I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

I agree with the caregivers contract, having one myself, and do "walk" if you dont get one because it only gets worse! Remember you have to get at least $15 an hour and pay taxes, which brings it down much lower. Also you willl be increasing the heating, electric, food, etc bills also not to mention clothing, diapers and pads, etc, so keep that in mind. Be Strong and persistant, it WILL pay off if you do. Keep in touch.

The caregiver's contract is essential - you and everyone in the family need to have it spelled out - if an aging parent can pay for care they MUST morally do so - it is grossly unfair to put the burden of caregiving unpaid on one sibling but I've seen this happen when the parent wants to "preserve their money" .So insist. If the siblings will not go along with a fair contract, then (after checking any legal considerations re abandonment, etc.) explain that you are not going to do it anymore and what do they want to do? And walk. No one has a right to abuse anyone else. However, did this idea get started?
Now, I've seen situations where the siblings disagree about how an aging parent is to be cared for. The case I'm thinking about concerns a wealthy woman who could well afford a good assisted living facility. But she wanted to stay at home and talked one sibling into going along with this and giving up a normal life. The other siblings refused to get sucked in (the parent's serious health problems would have been difficult to deal with at home) and there was discord. In that type of case, I think the parent had a duty to go into assisted living, or to pay for having her needs suitably covered if she stayed at home. I don't think the siblings who refused to be swallowed alive were wrong in this, bacause decent assistted living was an option in this case. I think the parent was playing the siblings off on one another. Provision of basic care for an aging parent is a responsibility for all the children, but how that is going to be done is open for discussion among them. The parent's preferences are NOT the controlling factor.

Chillwill2, get to a lawyer for a free consultation for advice. You as he caretaker should be the POA and if she doesnt want to give it up, tell her she can take care of your mother . It will work, I guarantee it. A caregivers contract is in order here, for you. Does your Mom own a home or assetts, was your dad in the service? Do you know how much it would cost to replace you, your sister needs to be put in her place.

I had forgot to mention that my sister has breast cancer. And had both of her breasts removed about 2 months ago. Eventhough she isnt here in the same state to see my mother health drain her daily due to her alzheimers and her other ailments. What can I do?

I live and help my mother. She has alzheimers, diabetes and other issues. My sister has power of attorney,and she lives out of state. Am i considered the cargiver,if I cook,clean give my mom her meds amongst other duties that im called upon. My sister has it blocked that I cant even talk to my mother doctor. I can get information concerning my mother health and well being. This includes obtaining her medical records. Im unemployed with no income. Is there anyway I can recieve income. Who do I talk to or cand someone give me some resources.

Laughed about them sending the cleaning lady!!! Gee Whiz, it's his mother, her mother-in-law!!!

Swallow your anger and pride. Remember: Break! Break! Break!... ;-)

Yes, mom did have a good time! Yes, that is all that matters! I understand what you are saying but, it just kills me! Funny thing is they didn't even pick her up! They had my SIL's cleaning lady come and pick her up and drop her off! LOL My mom has met her once or twice so, it wasn't a total stranger but, it's so ridiculous.

Did your mom enjoy herself? If she did, good! As caregivers, we need to Encourage our family to help us (not demand for it). One way is by giving positive feedback to bro. If your mom enjoyed herself, you can text your brother that mom really enjoyed herself. Then thank him..a simple "Thanks!!" would do. He would get the drift and feel good that mom enjoyed herself. Then when the next party comes up, he will remember and it won't be so hard for you/mom to have him ask her again. This is what I have been doing with my family. It took YEARS but as you can see from my earlier posts, that I'm finally seeing the fruits of this slow and steady work. It's just that we need to give Positive Reinforcement to fam.

LOL I was thinking the very same thing! When can I schedule my next BREAK! I'm really going to try as I feel rejuvenated! It is so necessary for us caregivers to have a break! I don't believe it's asking for much and we all deserve it! In the packet for My 2nd Home, they give a copy of Caregiver's Bill of Rights:
1. You have a Right to your own space, a place to relax; 2. You have a Right to time for yourself; 3. You have a Right to ask for Help; 4. you have a Right to say "NO"; 5. You have a Right to talk with others for support. Relationships are both giving and receiving; 6. You have a Right to take care of your own health; 7. You have a Right to make mistakes, to be an imperfect person; 8. You have a Right to change things to make care as easy as possible for yourself; 9. you have a Right to rest and relaxation; 10. you have a Right to your feelings whatever they are (tired, frustrated, helpless, relieved, grateful, satisfied or a combination of all of these)!; 11. You have a Right to a satisfying life, too!

Sallie, I know how difficult the situation can be and it is good to be able to sleep at night knowing you are doing the right thing. That being said, I believe we have to take care of ourselves first. Check out local resources for what may be available to give you some free time. My Mom was very upset in the beginning that I had a "stranger" coming in while I ran errands and went to Bible study. We all need our own time. You are doing no one any favors in giving up your personal life, marriage or whatever to care for someone 24/7. Our unhappiness and stress carries over to our caregiving and affects the very one we are caring for...they sense these feelings. God bless and good luck!

It's funny how she was a one-time caregiver and now she doesn't see that you're going through what she went through. With regards to her saying that the book is too harsh - I think she KNOWS in her heart and mind what you're going through but has decided that it's not her problem. By reading the book, it tweaked her memory/conscience and so she reacted that way and said it's harsh.

Well, I'm glad you had a good break! Yes, while your mom is still independent and doesn't really require minute-by-minute supervising, then you should get more breaks. When's the next holiday or birthday that you know your brother will be celebrating? ;-}

Book, Sal there is a book out there called "They're Your Parents Too". I had read it and, of course, it made so much sense to me. I loaned it to my SIL and her claim is that it is too harsh. Too harsh?!? I said, No, it's very telling! This coming from a woman who took care of her father who had brain cancer. She screamed and yelled until she had help from her 2 sisters, my brother and her sons! But, the book is too harsh! LOL Regardless, I had a wonderful weekend off! Mom told me all at the party asked where I was and she said I needed a well deserved BREAK. Everyone understood, meaning other guests, not my bro! I feel I'm going to be taking breaks more often. I feel good and ready to continue.

Aahh..Sal...best seller ONLY for us caregivers. Normal people would not understand. They will think we're exaggerating. They wouldn't get the humor of the show! .. ;-)

Lol, Book... We should make our own show or write a book about all of this. I see a best seller here!

Sallie, I too don't recall signing a contract. But it landed on me by default because I wanted to stay and help dad with mom. But...even so...family should help each other...Guess watching all those Brady Bunch, Partridge Family shows made us believe we should have a family like that. Maybe we should have watched more of the show: What's Happening or All in the Family! This way, we don't have this expectation that family sticks together....

You know, I have a friend whose mother became bedridden for years. She was the main caregiver. But her siblings each took turns watching mom. I remember envying her sooooo much! Her mom finally died this year.

I have an aquaintance whose father had Alz & a stroke. When he became bedridden the son staying at home became the main caregiver. But the sisters here on island took one day as their day to watch. Those in the states, sent money to cover their share of having a paid caregiver. I envy my aquaintance too!

So, I always wondered what was wrong with my family. When therapist told me this past June that a high % do not have siblings helping, I didn't believe. Then I found this site. My goodness! He was right!

On my very first question for help, I was told straight out that our siblings have a Right Not To Help. It was hard to accept - but I did. So, now that we're done venting on our siblings, it's time to Act on Our Own to solve "our problem" with caring for our parent. We go solo among the family. But we have friends on this site that gives us very good advice and all the encouragement we need to succeed (or atleast Handle) our parent on top of our health issues. ... 8-)

P.S...I find that when I harp on my siblings lack of help, it really depresses me. I really don't want to go down that road again - too soon from the last episode. So, this will be my last comment on siblings lack of assistance...(until I get angry again and need to vent!)

So many of our stories sound alike. When I tell people my story most say " It always falls on one sibling" What does that mean? I don't remember signing a contract to be a caretaker. I don't mind doing most of the work, but wish I had more breaks. Excuses are like Butt holes. Everyone has them and they all stink!

Actually, those phrase "your siblings find it difficult to see their loved one with an illness" and "you're the stronger one" and "they don't visit because they don't want to see themselves in that position one day", etc...similar phrases pisses me off! I agree with you totally - it is a cop out. They just don't care and are sooooo glad that We are the ones stuck with The Problem.

There was several points in my life when I just wanted to disown most of my siblings. I have suffered, vented, yelled and cussed them privately. In person, I have told them what I'm going through and need help. It took me YEARS to get me where I'm at. Before, no one helped physically or monetary. Now, I have one sibling paying our powerbill, and 2 other brothers giving me money for me (not parents) and 1 sis who helps on Saturday so that I can take leave from parents.

I still wish I had PHYSICAL help!

I also think that it's such a shame that my siblings don't have a conscience when it comes to the parents. But then, I don't blame them because we had a very bad abusive childhood. Too bad 2 of my siblings are in turn abusive to Their Family. And from what I hear, Their Kids are in turn being abusive to Their Kids!! It's a terrible cycle....I'm a true believer of what goes around comes around. One day, their children will treat them how they treated our parents.

I find it a little hard to swallow when comments are made like "maybe your siblings find it difficult to see their loved one with an illness" and "you may be the stronger one" sorry to sound a bit mean, but i think its a cop out. I as my mams main carer am certainly not the strong one, and I cry every night when I think back over the day of what mam is going through, but I dont turn my back on her, i believe however bad or difficult my life seems mams is worse and she is the one that is vulnerable and needs her family.I no in a perfect world all the family would share the care of their parent, but we live in a far from perfect world, the excuses made from family members who dont mean nothing to me and i can totally understand barbs feelings towards her siblings.

I guess it's true when I read that "your not alone" because everyone of these stories sounds just like me. I am the middle child out of five and have been there for my mother since my dad passed away four years ago. She is in a ALF, I live 45 min. away, take her shopping, hair salon, we sit at the water front and feed the birds, etc. I have been the one to take her to all of her doctor appointments so I know everything that is wrong with her. Three of the other siblings have pretty much nothing to do with her and the other, my older sister who lives in NJ only saw her for four days in the last year and hardly calls her. Now she thinks my mom is capable of living on her own so she is constantly pushing to get that done, yet she doesn't want mom to go to NJ. It will be up to me to find an apartment, pack, and move and then do everything in between after she gets settled down. At least the ALF is there for mom, she is safe, has plenty of activities, friends, shuttle to Walmart and doctors. Mom is 83 and is in early, early stages of dementia but my sister thinks mom is like she was ten years ago, she is not. I can't convince her any different. I hope this doesn't happen. I too feel like when my mom passes on I will not have anything to do with the rest of my family again, I don't need them now, I won't miss them later. We have never been the "normal" family, the kind that I always wanted, the kind that takes vacations together, gatherings at holidays, etc. I am so tired of all of this, I feel sad most times, can't seem to laugh much, it's crazy. Just wanted to get this off of my chest.

I'm glad! No one should struggle with caregiving by oneself and Not be aware that there are Outside Help available. You just have to look for it via phone book or contact one's parents clinic and ask the doctor's nurse for recommendation. There are so many resources out there that we are unaware of. Keep us updated of this and your bro's party!

LOL YES, I feel the same way! I somehow got the compassionate gene! LOL I've only begun to learn how to say "NO". But, see that's the problem. I'm now saying "NO". They don't like that and will call me every name in the book. They say they are done with me. No, I've been done with you! The bottom line is I don't mind being here for mom. The issue is I'd like a break or sometimes I can't do EVERYTHING or I need some help packing, lifting, etc. Is that too much to ask/beg for? But, as you said, I need to take them out of the equation and figure out a way to just get what I have to get done. Which, slowly but surely, I am learning what resources are available. I thank you for making me realize all of this and that there are options and its ok to say NO.

My oldest bro who lives next door with wife and 3 grown children are like your bro. Can you believe - and this is from his daughter - that when sil's aunty moves back here for good (she's in the states) - bro and wife will move in with her Aunty because...get this...she's old and can't live by herself! Hello?! She's healthy, she's walking, she's not disabled. But, when it comes to HIS parents - it's not their problem. It's My Problem...I understand Losingh. Like I said, they only come to me when they need something...Like my one-time only therapist said to me, "You have problem saying NO." Soooo true! Like niece said, "Aunty, you're too softhearted." Bummer! I have to be the "normal" one of the family who has a conscience! :)

Ok, I see what your saying but, when my SIL family needs help -- father had lung cancer which became brain cancer and her sister was in a terrible car accident (hooked on pain killers) and her 5 year old son was killed. He didn't hesitate to help and support, etc. But, the minute I ask for ANY kind of help for mom -- believe me, I've learned never to ask for myself -- I get YOU DO IT!

So, the key is to withdraw emotionally from them. Accept that they won't help and move on to find ways to help de-stress ourself. Ways to handle our parent. Get advice from other sources. And if/when family helps, be sure to enthusiastically thank them. (Even though inside, we want to say: That's all!? What about this or that? etc..) Do not say, "Finally!" which will just make them angry because they "try" to help you and you had an "attitude"! And this will be such a good excuse to stop helping you/parent! Always, show appreciation so that They Feel Good and Maybe help you again. Note, I said Maybe. Don't ever give them a reason Not to help you... 8-/

This is what I believe with my whole heart and soul. I have spent YEARS caring for my Alz mom. If you check my profile, you will see what I'm talking about. When dad had a stroke last year and was bedridden, I really, really thought that my siblings will help. NOPE!!! Therefore, based on my experience with my family, it is NOT that they "don't get it." They have Their Own Life and anyone Not of their womb is Not Their Problem...and that includes their own sis/bro or parents. I understand why they don't want to help with the parents - because of the abuse we endured growing up. But, what about me? We grew up, stood together and hid everything from the PARENTS to avoid further punishments. So, I feel so Betrayed by most of my siblings. Does that make sense? It's not because they "don't get it". They Do Know but just Refuse to Acknowledge it. It Is Not Their Problem...until one day they need something from your or said parent. Trust me, they will come..as if nothing happened, as if no resentment, etc...

That's so funny, bookw..., you are so right! Mom is only going for her grandchildren. I get that but, the fact that she has opened her eyes to her own children upsets her. I hate to see her upset. I've had enough of their B.S. Please, someone explain why it is that they just don't get it????

Good for your mom. She knows how hard it is for you. I hope your mom tells them she'll be staying there later while you have a vacation. Enjoy your day off, you deserve it.

Losingh..off course he got all upset! The "babysitter" won't be there to help with mom! Funny...I actually laughed. I'm glad that your mom actually spoke up for you. This shows to your bro that he agrees with you not being there. Well, we'll see if anyone will be able to pick up mom or will he find another excuse not to?