I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

Sallie, I am so very sorry you have to go through all of this and pray it will all be okay. In the mean time, you have a lot of doctor visits and will need help . Use your Moms money, social security, pension, whatever she has to find help,and take care of yourself !! Use one on the online sites like care(dot)com and find help. Best of Luck to you, keep in touch.
Bookworm, glad you liked my post!

Sallie, Maybe those tumors are not c. I can relate to all of you, but in my case, I am considered the wayward child who doesn't help. Believe me, I have my reasons. I want to help but can't much. I have constant back pain, I have fibromylagia, my husband has dementia, and a dozen other things.I am disabled bc of a car accident. I almost died in this car accident and my sister never sent even a card or came to see me in the hospital. My sister wants me to do much more than I am capable of. If she would be more cooperative I would find a way somehow, little short bits of help anyway. Her cooperation would involve inviting me and dh to thanksgiving dinner, easter dinner, Christmas dinner or coming to my house for these holidays. She hasn't invited me or been with me for years for the holidays. Yet she invites half the town and lets me find my own way. Then the next day after the holidays she emails me and orders me to do something. So I do have my reasons for not being as helpful as she probably is telling people. She probably is on this site telling you all what a deadbeat sister I am. If she would dig deeper, she would find that I am not a bad person, but an ill person, with sickness. Maybe your relatives have reasons and not just being mean.

Sallie, please put yourself first and take care of YOU! I hope all goes well. Book is right. Do not go back unless you are well healed! HUGS going out to you!!!!

Wow book, you've been thrum the ringer too. Thanks for your kind words. I do have a daughter 25 and a son 22. They both work and go to school, but they do what they can to help. My husband helps with mom and is more than understanding. My husband and kids have been my rocks with all that I've been through. I'll keep you informed with my health. I'm making appointments this week. I believe us care givers have a special place in Heaven waiting for us.

Sallie I am so sorry for all you are going through and come here and talk whenever you need and want to do that-we can all offer support that most do not get from their families-some times I think living with friends not family is a good idea -I met a very happy lady last summer who lives in a commion I think that is the word-just friends and they all get along so well it is a blessing to all of them-if your family can not be supportive detach yourself from them.

Thanks all, It is really nice to be able to vent here. I have given up on venting to family. I have bigger fish to fry right now.

Sallie, Venting is good. Take care of yourself.

It's Friday night here...I'm waiting, Sallie! Any news? I was suppose to write to you tomorrow but...I keep wondering what's happening.

Hey, LH, is it too soon to ask how you're doing? Should I wait until my Monday which would be your Sunday? Confusing. I wanted to wait until Monday to ask how you're doing after the weekend. For me, weekends are so much more tiring than the weekdays.

I didn't notice I was having one of my depression until another member here commented about not hearing from me on the other threads. I like to surf this site on the diferent topics and then comment. Then I stopped and was only commenting here. I even put on my "On my mind: Life Sucks!" I just didn't notice I was going into depression! It is soooo sneaky!

So, since I haven't heard from either one of you, I'm here asking. I've seen Reverse commenting other other threads, so she seems to be doing okay.

Having to watch my sister care for my mom is difficult for me. I live far away and work full time. My sister lives next door and has never held a job. So, some people accuss me of being that sibling that doesn't help out. Nothing much I can do. I can't give financially, and my cars won't take me back and forth on weekends that often. Money is tight. I can't afford to lose my job since I am supporting five people on one paycheck. My sister probably feels along most of the time, plus my mom is manipulative and vicious taking out most of it on my sister. So, you might say I am able to see both sides of the story. Ask you siblings outright if there is anything that is preventing them from helping you. Ask them to work with you on arranging for you to have some time off. Ask. Don't demand. My husand has very little to do with his parents care. It was all dumped on his sister who lived next door to his parents. She also didn't work at the time, but had two young boys to care for. He avoided going over unless she picked up the phone and called him. He would go when she called. Some people are like that. I felt bad for his sister, but I was working full time and also had two young children to care for, and never felt that comfortable around the father. They had the money for extra care but choose not to use it. My husband was effectively cut out of the will and I didn't even bother to contest it because that poor sister deserved every dime she got!

More. HE didn't contest the will because I told him he could have done a better job helping out. He had no excuses.

Hi Amitaf. I guess you're really worried that after your sister's hard work, she will be rewarded with nothing. It is a very strong possibility. As for myself, when I was helping my dad care for mom (these past 23 years), he had told me upfront that this house and land will go to my brothers who live in the states. He said that I can marry a man with land. Yeah, when would that be? When I'm 80 years old? Hello?! By that time, why on earth would I want to have land?

Is there any other way you can help your sister? When you do have spare time to go visit, does sis at least get complete relief from your mom? Every little help counts. How about just writing to her by email? It's lonely to be here at home with the parent. I would email my 3 siblings in the states. Most don't even answer. And one just sends maybe a 2 sentence email. Sometimes, I would just love to just hear what is happening...but whatever you do - Do Not mention any vacations! Whenever one of my siblings (who says she can't give money) mentions Las Vegas or New Mexico, I get so resentful. She says she has no money to give but she has money for the trip, for the hotel, etc...I have another sis who works in the library. I enjoy hearing some of the stories she tells! You know, the scary dude, the irritated parent who got mad cuz sis politely asked her to control her out-of-control children in the library, etc...I'm sure your sister would love to hear something ...as long as it doesn't make her realize she's missing out in life.

I had to smile when you mentioned about your husband not contesting the will. Later! Oh, and welcome to AC!!!

First and foremost you have to get a break! You must think of you! Second talk to her doctor and have him write a script for her to get evaluated for home health care and therapy. He will know of a company to contact or do some research and find one call them. When they evaluate her they can tell you what she will qualify for. Look in to your local area on aging and see if she qualifies for any programs. Also it would be good for you to speak to an attorney as you family does not help there will be issues when it comes time to divide the estate...if there is one. Call your local hospital and find a support group. hope you find help and some relief...

Hey Book, Sallie and All. Yeah, been a bit busy lately. Mom is doing ok. Loves the Adult Day Care!! I'm so happy for her! We're going to the hospital tomorrow for her PET Scan to see if things have progressed. (Send prayers, please that they have not!). The sibs are still treating us like S_ _ _. We're supposed to go to another fam party this weekend -- my SIL's fam. We called and explained why we wouldn't be going but we would come by some other time. Funny thing, no one is surprised. They all have seen the treatment they have given my mother and me and are not happy with them.

Book, have you gotten the book yet? Just curious on your thoughts. How are you doing?

Sallie, how are you? Hope all is well with you!

Hugs and prayers to all us Caregivers!!!

LH, mails from the states to my little island takes a Looooong time to get here. Sometimes like...2 months!

I'm fine now. It's a constant up and down...I know what triggered it and there's really nothing that I can do about it. My bedridden dad is now going through the "poopy stage." The stage where they Touch and Spread it all over. I kind of went over the deep-end every time he does it. It's something I'm going to have to learn to handle and not go into "shut down" mode. I need to view this poopy stage as just another "obstacle" on the road that I overcome it by going Over It or Around It. Not just stop and freeze - like I just recently did.

Thanks for asking. I agree! Hugs to all of us Caregivers!!!

Hi Book, when my Mom went thru that I bought one piece pjs that zip up the back so she couldnt get to her you know what parts. Then I sewed her pj top to her bottom, and used suspenders with a cover shirt after that. there is a store online called buck and buck that sells unstripable clothing, hope this helps.

Reverse, thanks...I don't think dad would cooperate with that! Remember, if I get him angry enough, he will punch me. And I have to go near him to change his pampers. If I was my oldest sis , who doesn't change pampers, then it would be great. But, after the 1st time, he would never willingly let us use it. But, I will check out the online store.

Book, check it out and maybe give it a try. Maybe trying, like Reverse said, to sew one pair of pajama top to bottoms before buying one to see how it goes. Hugs to you!!!!
I spoke to my SIL's fam member who is having the party and told her why mom and I wouldn't be there. She wasn't surprised and was completely disgusted with how they are treating my mom. She has had her issues with them as well. It seems everyone just tolerates them and all are disgusted with them. All agree karma is a B_ _ _ _. Wish us luck today.
Book, hang in there. Great big hugs to all!

LH, I will think real hard of good thoughts for your mom. You and your mom just hang in there, too! I'm just soooo glad she's happy.

Book, can you get your Dad on depakote, did you ask his doctor? you can sprinkle it on his food if he wont take it I suppose, it comes in capsules you open and they work wonders for calming their brain. Do you put him on the toilet ? This morning I was a bit slow getting my Mom into the bathroom because I was trying to figure out where to put the hosp bed thats coming Anywhooo I lifted her onto the toilet and she did her big bm load. Mom cannot speak but a few random words, nor can she tell me her feelings, but for some reason she holds her bms until she is on the toilet, what a good girl huh? This is why I have the problem of lifting her on and off as I cannot do it with the hoyer. Would your Dad understand how to take off suspenders or whack you if you put them on, we gotta have some humor here.:) My Mom beat up a caretaker after she talked her into going outside and mom was taking off up the hill, awe yi yi, thats the day I called and got the depakote. She didnt quit, my neighbors thought she would, they ran out to help and I was on my way home from work at that time 3 year ago. Hugs 2all

Caregiving is never boring that's for sure. It is not for sisses

Dad is bedridden. He refuses all "white man's medicine". He only takes herbal. When he was in the hospital, the only way the doctor was able to give him the prescription was to tell him that he will not be released until he took it. So he did - with HIS demands too. He had to also be allowed to take his herbal pills. And We All Know that hospitals are Not Allowed to have patients take medicines not provided by the hospital - some kind of FDA regulation. I know because I got caught taking Gas-X for my severe acid reflux on the 2nd day after a major stomach surgery. Sigh...sorry, Reverse, it's only 830pm and my brain seems to be getting tired. Getting difficult to think. Later...

Barb, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a new member to this forum and it seems that there is usually one dominant caregiver. In order to prevent burnout when my grandfather had Alzheimer's, my mom and I would proactively schedule time off in our care calendar.

Also, she started going out with her old friends. Similar to your situation, we had almost no help from our family members. It became an expectation for us to take care of grandpa since everyone else was married.

My suggestion is to connect with your old friends and spend some time on the things you want to do. Caregiving is like running a marathon, we all need to pace ourselves.

Care4sure, you got it! Slow and steady wins the race. We've all taken on quite a job and we have to believe that good things will come to us.

I have family coming to visit mom and me this weekend. I can't wait as it'll be great to be around those who truly care for mom and me. My mom is loved very much in her family (I should say outside of her own children -- besides me, of course) and she deserves to feel that love. She raised her own brothers and sisters (6) plus took care of her sick mom and mother in law. She is a special lady. Unfortunately, most of her family is 6,000 miles away. They are well aware of what is happening and call often.

Book, any chance you can sneak the meds in food? That may help in some way to not make him so combative. I worked in a hospital for a short time and when some combative patients would come down for tests, they would sedate them prior to coming down. Let me know your thoughts.

I totally agree about spending time Outside of the caregiving environment. All my friends...well...I don't have any current active friends. I don't want to re-ignite my old friends since I'm currently...not active in my religion.

But, I do spend time with my fave sis and her kids and grandkids. It really does help a lot. Except, I hate it when it's time to go home. I can feel the weight coming back on my shoulders just by Thinking it.

LH, I don't know. He mixes so much herbals - I worry. I've learned on this site that if your elders are abusing their meds - as a caregiver - you will be held responsible. Just with what he has - I think he's overdoing it. It's a constant struggle. It doesn't help that Sis will give him whatever he wants. Dad & I had a recent yelling match when he asked for more herbal and I said that he already has a lot he's taking now. Sis just went and got it for him! So, I started yelling because I AM THE MAIN CAREGIVER and He Is Abusing His Herbals!! And I just lost it and said that I Do Not Want to Go To Jail for YOU. And I said for my sister's benefit that WE both would go to prison when they do an autopsy and find all those drugs in his system. I don't even know why sis is scared of him. I'm the one who gets punched since I'm the one changing his pamper. She refuses to help change his pampers. So, I don't see why she jumps when he orders her around. My goodness, He's BEDRIDDEN, he Can't Chase her!!

LH, I just worry so much about this. I would throw his herbal but I wouldn't put it past him to call authorities and say I'm trying to kill him...(he's already accusing it to my face.) Stop...Breathe in, Hold, Breathe out....I was getting dizzy here just recalling that day. Later! And thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, by the way, don't forget to update us when the relatives visit. I sure hope they bring some goodies!

Book have you told his primary doctor that he is taking a lot of herbal medicians and have him talk to him that should take the pressure off of you and tell the doc that your sister is providing the herbs to him-I feel bad for you that you are in this position.

Book, yes, I agree with Austin. At least have it documented that you spoke to the doctor for your father's benefit.

I came across this book, Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret. Has anyone read it? It sounds very interesting.

Losing do you know the author sounds like a book I need to read

The author is Jeanne Safer Ph.D. I'm reading reviews now so, I can decide whether to purchase. Let me know your thoughts too!

Book, I know you wrote to me about the joke and I read it quick wanting to go back and cannot find it, can you write me again, thx

Reverse, you have your account on Private Setting. I was going to Post you a message privately but you have your settings on private. So, I sent you a hug. It would be easier for you to keep track of all hugs sent to you and all you have commented if you change your settings to Public.

You see your box on the top right with your photo/name MY ACCOUNT. Click on EDIT ACCT.
Click on EDIT PROFILE. Go to the box that has ABOUT ME and click to Public Setting:
1. ACTIVITY/FOLLOWING 2. WALL POSTS

Once this is done, you will see my Hug to you with the encouragement to send in your funny joke.

Try it! I think you will like this better. You see on your WALL POSTS all the hugs everyone has given you. When you feel depress, just go to this and re-read it. I do that ALL the Time!!