I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

I was rereading my post, and I hope I didn't offend anyone by talking about my whining. It is a personal and local term, not meant as offensive and I am sorry if I sounded that way.
And, as we all know, when we talk with family members about the struggles and strains of this job, they sometimes act as tho we are 'whining". My siblings have been doing that for over a year. Acted as tho I was being dramatic. Making a mountain out of a molehill - even tho they do not live here, and most visit for a few days every year or two. They have always thought that by talking to Mom on the phone each week is sufficient input.
"Whining" is what it was called when I made my feelings or needs known within my family. My late husband told me that he considered my crying to be blackmail.....so I learned to suck it up and just ignore my own feelings. For almost 50 years my life was "suck it up and stop crying". Recipe for lifelong depression, huh.
I had/have treatment, both medical and therapy, and am so much better, so much happier with myself, but in my family, expressing my needs still not really appreciated. So I call my needs and wants "whining".
Again, I hope I didn't offend anyone. Make anyone feel small or unimportant or feel that somehow I was ridiculing the hard work and struggles.........

Mary! We have not taken offense. I guess you missed my Play of Words when I said "whine" of the day...get it.."wine of the day"....It's like going to a fancy restaurant and they give you the "special of the day" or the "soup of the day." I just used your word to "whine of the day." ...I didn't take offense with the word whining because....when I "complain" to siblings, it comes out as "whining" but I'm sure they would not tell me that to my face. :)

Barbs,
You are definitely not alone. I, too, am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother who has Dementia and COPD. I have a brother who lives about 5 hours from us (I live with my mother and care for her in her home) and this brother and his wife are both in total denial. At first I was writing emails to my brother to make him aware of mom's health issues and our financial concerns. My sister-in-law became so angry with me that she blocked me from emailing them. Shortly after, my brother called me and screamed into my ear not to involve his wife...to leave her out of it!!! Well, as a result I feel resentful and hurt that they do not wish to help me. After all, my mother raised my brother and me sacrificing many luxuries so especially my brother could go to a good college and live off campus all expenses paid. He would not be where he is today (an economist making a mint and an author whose books bring royalties). Like Ed stated earlier, I am a Christian and am trying to forgive them for their ignorance. I am told I will be rewarded for doing God's work and that provision will come for me when all of this is over. My brother has not visited my mom in 5 years and calls her only on special occasions. Our funds here are very limited and I am trying to do what I can for my mom myself. I pray with God's help I can stay physically and mentally healthy although this caregiving is a very lonely job. God bless you, Barbs. This site is filled with very compassionate caregivers with great advice. I find it even more helpful than the caregiving support group I was attending at a library once a month.

Try Angels for elders it is in alot of different states and also if your parent doesn't recieve much money she may qualify thru medicaid for respite care this can be done through someone coming into your home or at your local nursing home, if they have room. A break is necessary while doing this job and you have to accept the fact that the other siblings don't want to see or accept the fact that Mom is not the same Mom. Their trying to distance themselves and have someone to blame. I truly understand and Wish you lots of luck.

Just reread my apology - very dramatic and needy sounding, huh. I am tired and rambling, and, whining.

No, I really didn't get the play on words, sorry. I am not sleeping and just not the sharpest tack in the box right now. Now, after you explain it.............really need to get some sleep. Thanks :)

Mary, we all have our days. I had a meltdown yesterday and am moving forward today. We have taken on a very difficult job. I think we can all relate to how you are feeling. This is why we are all here. Hang in there!

LH, is it morning where you are now? Has the time passed when you were suppose to get your mom to the AD? Did she go?

Mary, did your brother arrive yet? Were you able to explain to all agencies that you are not your mom's caregiver? Just wondering what's up.

Good morning, Book! Yes, we had a talk last night and she did go this morning. I wished her a good day and told her that to be honest and let me know how her day goes. If it turns out that it isn't for her then, that's okay but, to at least give it a try.

LH, I stayed with my Mom at the daycare for lunch, then for her haircut there, etc... she was super shy and would absolutely not stay. She learned to love it, couldnt get ready fast enough. Hang in there, it might work if you go too for a while, or have someone go with her until she starts in the activities and meets friends. Just a thought...

Hi.
Thanks for asking and all of the kindness and support.
Yes, both yesterday and today I , in person, told the NH that I would not be in the house when Mom came home - told both Social Workers that I was leaving town and gave my new address. One sibling was also present yesterday. Gave them money for a cab for Mom to get home, gave them Mom's checkbook and housekeys. ..............
.
I also talked with Mom face to face today. She already knew I was going to leave. She was not happy. Called me names, told me I was a liar, said "I hope you are happy now", Then she said "get out and never come back". As I was leaving the room I said " I love you, goodbye" and she shouted "Bullshit". Not a great way to end this. If Mom was confused or suffering from dementia, I would accept the namecalling as part of the program. But every professional says she is competent and clearheaded.....................
I have been here in Moms house for 2 1/2 years, we have helped each other - yes, she has been very kind and good to me - and, she has been very mean to me. So I am sorry I am doing this. But I am leaving tomorrow.......
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I have learned thru this site that there is a difference between giving by choice (even if you feel it is a lousy choice) and being forced to do something you cannot do. I am in my 50's, you would think I had already learned that lesson...............
.
The NH is trying to help Mom set up in-home services. Mom has agreed to Meals on Wheels (there is lots of food in the house already.). She is not really cooperating/making decisions for her in-home care. Probably expected me to break down and give in...............
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I hope she can stay home. I hope the in-home care works. I want her to be happy and comfortable. But not at my expense. The house is clean, stocked, and completely ready for her to come home. It is hurricane season down here so there is plenty of stuff. Lifeline is paid up...................

So, yes, I leave this town tomorrow to drive to Nashville, I will probably cry a little more.......I have put in a change of address, went to the bank, social security and have a call in to my doctor down here , even took care of my magazine subscriptions......... My family is looking forward to me being back- I swear, even the dog is excited.

Book, Revereroles she loved it! She had a great time! She met new friends! She didn't care for the food but, that's not horrible because you can bring your own. I am so happy for her!! I think it will be a very good thing!

I had to drop off stuff to my bro again. I just dropped and left. He said nothing and neither did I and I don't care. He tried to call my mom yesterday but, she obviously was not there and he didn't ask and she didn't say where she was. I can tell that she's had enough too. She said, if they ask I'll tell otherwise, they don't have to know.

LH, I am sooo glad that she loves it! Whew! This will be something that she will be looking forward to. As for bro, well...You don't feel uncomfortable just dropping off stuff to him? I tried doing that but I feel sooo bad, I end up starting the conversation.
Mary..so glad that your mom finally accepted that you will no longer be there for her. That you will be going back home. That she knows she's not ready to be by herself longterm. Do what you can while you're there. If you have to go, then your brother can help. But, I would prefer that he does it now since he flew in just for your mom. Because there's no guaranty he will fly back for your mom again.
If we don't hear from you soon, then we know that you're on the road to go back home. Travel safely!!! Hugs from all of us. And make sure you take care of yourself and your fam.

Book, yes, I do feel uncomfortable dropping stuff off to him. But, at this point, I have no other option. I went early this morning in the hopes that he wouldn't be there yet so, I could just leave it in a bag. Unfortunately, he was there. I am afraid as he has started altercations with others and has recently gone to court for it. That's why I'm quick to just drop and leave.

So glad to hear it !!! Its nice for them to be with their own people, lol

Ha! Ha! Ha! Reverse...you are sooooo baaad!!! ;) I won't tell you what I thought when I read your words. It's sooo disrespectful of our elders...But I can think it!

It's 8:50pm. I'm really really tired. Mom's constantly needing to be suctioned at night, on then going to work and using my brain constantly that I come home so exhausted physically and mentally.

LH, I won't be staying long enough on this site when you're about to come in soon. So just wanted to let you know that I guess with your situation, it's best to separate yourself from siblings. I just read another thread on it and I was thinking of you. Later....

I care for my 71 yr old mother, I am 30 yrs old, I am the youngest of four siblings,(my oldest sister is the only one who lives in town) and I have three beautiful kids two of which are sick, Aspergers (son)- Tuberous Sclerosis (daughter) , so I understand and can relate to "useless sibling" comment. My sister lives 2 blocks away from mother and I have such a difficult time getting any VISITS/ nor help either. I get so angry at my sister but have learned that not every person is a giver! I know I am doing the best I can, as I'm sure you are too. It helps alot to vent to others that understand our situations. Keep up the good work! We are awesome! Not many people love others these days!

Hi cryssy! Welcome to this site and please feel free to vent. I know what you mean about sibling(s) not helping. I still struggle with that but try my best not to get out of shape over it. Okay, more like, I try not to get very bitter and resentful about it.

Like you, I just recently found this site. I jump around on the various discussions. I used to think My situation was bad. Ha! It's Nothing compared to A lot of these people here! I'm just soooo glad I don't have toxic siblings.

When I feel down and depress, I go to "Gross Out and Need to Vent" discussion to remind me that I have it much easier than some people. I learn things on this thread even though it doesn't apply to me (or will eventually.)
The other thread that I like to go to is "Caregiver...How are YOU doing?"

All I can say is you must be one very strong person and loyal person. May I know why your mom needs care? Well, if you ever need to vent, please stop by and vent!!! Take care..

Book, yes, they are completely toxic and I must separate myself from them. As you said early on, just take them out of the equation.

Try and get some rest (I know, easier said than done!). Before mom had her colon resection, I was waking up at least twice a night having to change her ostomy bag. At times, I had to run home from work! At the time, I was 5 min. away but, it's exhausting -- physically and mentally. It's the weekend. Try and catch a nap or sleep in a little. Wish I could help!

Bookworm, I'm lost, what did I say? On the being with their own people? It means their age, what did I do, oh no! Hope it wasnt bad :(

Barbsvineyard1
I am crying for you. The tears are rolling down my eyes right now as I am typing
this to you. Because I feel your pain, sorrow, grief, heartaches and your broken
spirit. Never wish death for your mother. Maybe God is not finish with her yet.
And your other siblings will feel the pain of their gross neglect maybe when your
mom closes her eyes and be at peace forever. My comfort as a burnt out
sibling is in the book of Job, the 23rd chapter. It gives me so much peace
and I read it every morning. So I praise God for you without case. Tthere is a extra star
up there shinning for you for your hard work and dedication. It is hard to do
but forgive your siblings. Not for them but for yourself. Peace

Reverse, when you said that she will be with their own people, I had automatically visualized this in my head: one person (with Alz) with start a conversation and then forget what she's saying. Another will respond with a totally off-the-wall comment in response. Whatever one was saying, will make another person think of something in the past and bring That up. Etc... Nothing BAD!! It was just that your words triggered in my head this scenario. LH, I'm NOT saying that your mom is like this. It's just that when I spend all my hours with my dad, he does all these...stop in midsentence cuz he forgot what he's going to say, or something triggers his memory of the past or he says something that has totally has nothing to what we're saying.

Reverse, you did Not say anything bad...it was my vivid image of what you said. Sigh...this is what happens when you read books a lot. I tend to visualize things when I read... ;)

Hey Bookworm, good to see you, and I am a visual person too, have many pics in my mind sometimes reading posts.... hugs across the miles to you....

Bookworm, phew I get it, oh do I get it. Did you ever hear the 3 old ladies joke? One old lady was upstairs in the bathroom and she yelled to her sister "can you come up here, I forget whether I was getting in or out of the tub? her sister started up the stairs and stopped and said "what am I going upstairs for? The third sister said "oh my god has everyone lost their mind, thank god I am still ok, (and she knocked on wood) and said " I will be right up as soon as I answer the door!"
HAHA love it!

Ha!Ha! While I was reading your joke, I wanted so badly to skip to the end to see the punchline. I had to force myself to read it all the way through. That was funny! And it was basically what I was visualizing with your words...That's a good one..Thanks for the laughter! Sometimes we need this to help lighten the stress. Take care!!!

Hi girls, I just found out yesterday I have a 9mm tumor on my pituitary gland and a 2.3cm mass on my breast which I have to get a biopsy on. I have to see a neurologists about the tumor. I told the one sinking out of 4 who "helps " once and a blue moon. Do you think she'd offer any help? No, she is once again going away for the weekend. This will be getaway number 4 for her this Summer! Ugh.....

Sibling *

Before I get distracted, LH and all, I just finally checked out the thread "Caregiver Olympics." It's funny..Even Sallie just commented on it. (For the past few days I've been too tired to surf this site on other topics.)

Sallie, I hope, really really hope it's just benign. You already have so much in your cup and plate and maybe the whole table - you don't need any more "stressors" in your life. I'm not surprise of your sbiling's response.

When I was suffering with severe endometriosis, (my doc thought it was cancer)- the pain was really bad. You ever have those very, very painful menstruals? Well, endo is much much worse than that. Can't sit or stand or lie down - it just hurts soooo bad, like you're constipated...I described it to my doc" the pain is so bad it feels like there's a bowling ball inside.pressuring down." I finally decided for drastic measures, when the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die from it, cold sweats, shivering badly, and in the restroom torn between throwing up and diarrhea. (Difficult to do both since it's from opposite sides. Solved the problem by throwing up in the trash can at same time doing #2!!) Seems, my endo had progressed to the advance stages of whatever it's called (???). For several days, the pain was so bad I could barely walk too far or sit too long.

I alerted fam of next door of my pain...no help. I have changed my dead-weight mom's pampers all by myself in severe pain. It would get so bad, I would do a little, stop and pant in pain, do a little more, stop and pant, etc...I think I was bent over too long, the pain just flared and I almost fainted (saw the darkness coming and fought against it.)

Family will ONLY step in when you are hospitalized. A word from the experience (that's me! done it Twice -major stomach surgeries) - if you ever need a major surgery, do NOT go back home where your parent is. 1st surgery, I spent 1 month at sis, then came home. You go home, your "helpers" disappear. You're still in pain from the major surgery and now you're stuck doing elderly care. 2nd surgery - I learned from 1st surgery. This time I took 2 months away from home and caregiving. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first.

Well, we care about you. So, please update us. If it comes out worse than we expected, you need to figure out your mom's situation. You will need to concentrate on your health first. I can't remember, if you had ever mentioned children? Do you have kids? Are they adult who can help you, etc???

Gosh, when my doctor mentioned "cancer" , I went into shock. I remembered lying on the exam table, then next thing I know, I'm sitting up, doc is talking (like those silent movies - mouth moving but no sound) and holding both my hands, patting it. After that, he never mentioned that word to me. With all my visits after that initial pronouncement, he would use the word "complication." I bring this up because all my follow-up visits,I wished I had someone with me. To give me courage and words of comfort. So, I asked if you had children (teen or adult) to be with you.

You take care! And please keep us updated. HUGS!!!!