I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

I know exactly what you mean! My oldest bro lives just next door. They have a house and a 2 story duplex apartment. He has 2 grown boys and 1 grown daughter still living with them. My dad gave bro the land for FREE. You would think he would now show his appreciation...Nope! When they mow the lawn, they only do their side and our front yard (where they All Park Their cars!). So, when they have visitors, people think that our front yard is Their land.

I tell them that I need help with parents. I am under 5 feet tall and weigh only 96 lbs. Both parents are fatter than me and weigh more, too. I have constantly asked for help...I have gone outside and just screamed my head off in frustration. I was so angry, and bitter...I have concluded a long time ago, that if my siblings have love for me (never mind the parents because they abused us when we were growing up) - they would help with the parents for ME and not for them. I knew deep down inside that they don't care for me. To have the therapist confirm it, I became so depress and very suicidal. But when you read the different discussions on this site, you will see over and over - the need to separate yourself emotionally from your family. It makes sense...you keep expecting and hoping they will help - they don't. Then you become so disappointed, then depress. I have taken their advice and it really works!! I guess it's like that old saying, if you don't expect anything, you can't get hurt. So, I went to those oriental stores and bought those small scythes. I now use it to cut back the creepy vines. Family of next door won't do it, so I just have to make do. I can't handle a mower or bushcutter but a scythe - I can handle that. I even use the tip to dig into the ground and pull out the deep-rooted weeds! Later...time to clean mom's trache.

OMG! Your situation and mine are so similar. You are right as to the saying, if you don't expect anything, you can't get hurt. All that you said is exactly what I've been going through -- screaming, suicidal tendencies, depression, anger, bitterness. I'm about your size as well! I'm really just going to take them out of the equation completely. Although, that means that I will not associate with them. My mom still wants to go to the grandkids b'day parties, etc. I understand that but, I will not bring her to their home. They will have to come and pick her up. If anything, it will give me a free day.

I still associate with the family. My thinking is that you never want to completely sever the cord between you and them. Unless your siblings are toxic (instead of helping or being neutral - they actually hurt you - whether physically, verbally, mentally or emotionally) - then I would completely end your association.

I'm the neutral one in the family. So, when I need help - other than the parents - my siblings will help me. This took years of being neutral and nice to siblings.

I have been able to:
1. Have oldest bro of next door pay for our power bill - I had accidentally let it be known that his sibling younger brother was giving me money monthly. I just didn't tell him that he was only giving me $50.00. Oldest bro - out of competition - offered to pay our $400-some power bill! ... :)

2. 2nd oldest bro - I kept texting him how badly dad was treating me, how stressed I am, how much the supplies are costing along with the house bills. So, bro comes home and sets up a bank account with both our names - and deposits $50/month for me to withdraw..this was like 4 or 5 years ago. Last year, he has increased my monthly $50/month to $100.00. This year, he said he's going to try to deposit $150/month (which I haven't seen yet...but Not Complaining!) Any money is better than No money.

3. Youngest bro will only send me $300 when I complain on and on about my hardship. He's not consistent because he's working so hard to pay a very high mortgage and bills ...

But, Losinghope, both my brothers who gives me money - they always emphasize to me that the money is for ME and not for the parents. I use the money to give to my oldest sis who comes here Mon-Fri to babysit parents while I'm at work.

So, try not to burn all your bridges when it comes to your siblings. Mine took YEARS to where we are at right now. I never accuse them of Not Helping. I ask and if nothing happens, I keep my mouth shut. If they won't help your parent, then maybe they will help you one way or another. Just a thought for you to think about.

With your mom, if they don't want to pick her up for the parties, you can just drop her off, say your hi's to everyone and just say you need to go. If asked why, just say that you need some down time for yourself...etc...something that they can understand but not hold it against you...because you never know if one day you might need their help. BUT if they're toxic, forget it! Later....Take care...

Wow, at least you get some sort of recognition for what you are doing. All I ever get is yelled at and told that I have to do it and that I brought this on myself. Yes, they are toxic. At times, I do feel my brother may have some compassion. But, then he flips and starts yelling and bullying me. My sister is a complete lost cause. She and I never got along -- since we were kids! She has never done a thing for anyone and when asked to do something, somewhere along the line, I wound up doing it! She's still following that pattern today! Yes, they are toxic!

Well...you see...when growing up my 2nd oldest sister and I had a temper. I mean, we had problem controlling it. I can still remember my dad telling me to control my temper as far as middle school. Because we both had a temper, we were Very Quick to attack any siblings who pissed us off. So, eventually, everyone left us alone. They yell at me, I not only yelled back - I attacked and hurt them. I remember several times of my siblings bleeding. Or when my brother grabbed me and was hitting me in the chest, i turned and purposely punched his face over and over. I was one mean quick temper hellion! So, I guess that's where we're different. I've learned to control my anger/temper. But, my siblings have also learned the hard way Not to treat me like how your brothers do to you.

Last year, my brother kept pushing and pushing me to get Power of Attorney over the parents. I refuse. We siblings were all at the restaurant. Him and wife again brought it up. I just couldn't take it anymore. I got angry and just started telling them off. All my other siblings kept their mouth shut because they know when I lose my temper, I don't give a d***. My oldest bro kept trying to tell me to lower my voice. I stood up and raised my voice as I continually told them that I have told them over and over that I don't want POA. What part do you NOT understand! Etc.. I was on the roll and I was soooo pissed off. When i was done, I walked out, and cried when I found an isolated area. You see, once I get POA, my family will tell me that the parents are MY problem and not theirs and they will stop helping. As it is now, I can still pack up, tell their doctors I'm no longer caregiver, and that the oldest boy will be taking over. Well, legally I can't do that but my brother doesn't need to know that!!! :)

One out of 4 of my siblings is the only one to "help" she is delusional about how many times she comes to see my mom who lives next door to me. I started marking on my calendar what days she comes and what she did with mom. It averages out to about once a month and it's usually to take my mom out for a meal. Doctor's, food shopping, banking, physical therapy and fixing whatever needs to be fixed are all mine. I guess that makes me and sis about even on helping out... NOT!

Aahhh...Sallie..but she's helping! (Yeah, right!) I have a niece who is Suppose to be helping me with my bedridden mom's pamper changing at 7am and 8:30pm. She lives just next door. Mom slides down when I'm changing her pamper. When done, I need to pull her up to where the headrest is. Niece will put in her facebook that she needs to go to help her aunty with the grandparents. She rarely comes to help me...but according to her facebook- she is helping me!

Losinghope, just out of curiosity, cuz you said your siblings yell at you, what kind of childhood did you have? I mean, when I was growing up, all of us kids were tomboys. But because our parents went overboard when it comes to discipline (if one kid gets hurt, ALL the kids present - even the injured kid - would get severely spanked with the hard leather belt.) So, us kids learned to stick together and watch our backs from the parents. I think that's why we don't yell at each other like your siblings do with you. Yours is not the only ones who do that. I've read other caregivers whose siblings are just like yours. I'm just so curious why they do that? You would think that as an adult, that they would stop acting so childish..Oooh...that sounds like one of my parents to us kids! Ugh!! :(

Bookworm, your niece sounds like my sis. My sis tells people she has to go care for my mom when she wants to get out of going to functions with friends or family. When I ask for help she makes herself out to be the busiest person in the world. It's nice to be able to vent here because I don't want to bother my kids and hubby all the time. At least here people understand fully how hard caregivers have it.

As to my childhood, I am the youngest. Because my mom did not learn to drive until after my dad passed (1991) she relied on my dad and us to drive her to the store, etc. My sister and brother used to keep my mom waiting for hours to pick her up at the store. Once I got my license, it was all on me. It's a pattern as they have always "dumped" on me.

My mom never drove either. I drive her everywhere. Next week alone she needs to food shop and get banking done. Monday we will do that then Tuesday is therapy, Wednesday is her doctor and Thursday is therapy again. I don't know how I get anything for myself done.

Are your mom able to shop and do other errands on her own? Or does she require your help? If she's still independent enough, maybe you can check the phonebook if there's a "handicap/elderly" van in your area? We have one here. Every day, I see that van picking up someone at an apartment. I'm assuming the van is either taking the person to the senior citizen center or to the hospital for dialysis.

I've been trying to find a paid caregiver for my parents on Saturdays. My 19yr old niece is not a permanent solution. This niece is NOT the niece from next door - who is about age 24. I thought I found a caregiver, gave her the hours and how much I will pay. Actually, the money from my brothers, that I mentioned earlier? - Well I will be using that money for the Saturday caregiver. ...Saturday came and went - she never showed up...not even called or dropped by to apologize...Oh well, back to the drawing board....

I've been trying to find some outside help. This is really becoming overwhelming and I can't handle it all on my own. We're starting off slow as to getting her out of the house during the day and we'll see how that goes. I have looked into a senior citizen van which we will try. I'm trying to get a job closer to home so things won't be so difficult. I've been having trouble sleeping as thoughts, etc. run through my mind as to how I'm going to handle everything.

My mom refuses to take one of those vans. She does need my help because she carries her oxygen with her and gets winded easily. I have to take her to sit down at times. There are many times we have to use her transport chair. I don't know where you live, but is there a local paper to place an add for a caregiver for Saturdays? You can interview people and get refferences.

If I do the ads, I would have to pay the "going" cost..plus it will be so much hassle. My dad's mouth is soooooooo bad, nobody wants to care for him as long as he can talk! He's verbally abusive and likes to threaten you. He's also mean looking - cuz he is mean. I'm not a fast person. I see that the car in front of me is stopping, it takes a while before it Registers in my head that he's not moving. Then I have to slam on the brakes. So, I'm not fast enough to dodge his fist.

Sallie, Losinghope - have you also checked out the other discussions on this site? My favorite is "Caregiver...How are YOU doing?" It's the most positive of all the sites. I found this site in June..and I am not about to start in the beginning! I just go to it, hit the last comment and backspace to my last reading.

Then, when you're stressed from what your parent is putting you through, go to "Grossed Out & Need to Vent Just Caught Mom Using my Toothbrush." This discussion is a bit depressing for me. But, I like to read it because when people comment about their parent, others give encouragement or advice on how to handle the problem.

I also like the "the Caregive Dysfunction Family."

But, may I recommend one thread that is my favorite? When I started reading it in June, it took me 2 whole days. It had nothing to do with me and my parents but I found it Very Empowering! If Survived2 can do this, then I can do it (well, not as fast as she did!) Please go to: “My Mother Moved In With Me When My Oldest Sister Died”

I think if you take your time reading it, you will benefit from it. I did - and it doesn't even apply to me!

What I did, was when I had to stop reading it for the day, I would click on the top where it has the website I would click on it, copy and then paste it on my computer. So, when I come back the next day, I would just copy it and paste it on the web, and I can continue where I left off.

Sorry, have to go now. Both parents pampers need to be changed, then clean mom's trache. Later!! I'll see if I can come back and respond to your comment sallie.

Oh I completely understand. It's frustrating because at the end of the day what can you really do to force your family to help? You can't make them. My two sisters are helpful with caring for my mom and grandma but I not sure they fully grasp how stressful it is to be with them full time. My uncles on the other hand infuriate me! My uncle leaves me notes saying things like "Grandma needs a hair cut". Why don't you go take her to get a haircut?! Does he forget I also run all the personal errands for his ill sister that he does NOTHING for. It's rough. I feel that I have made progress with them though by continuing to say over and over and over that I need help. It took almost a year, but I've finally got my uncle to come over 2x a week to help my grandma shower. Try to be persistent. This is NOT your sole responsibility. It is their responsibility just as much as it is yours.

Book and vb, thanks for your help and advice. I have read other threads, and will read the ones suggested. Vb, I cut my moms hair myself. Bookworm, you are a saint. A special place is awaiting you in Heaven :)

Nah, I'm not a saint. I was the one in the family who had a conscience and out of duty stayed home to help the parents. I also cut both parents hair. I'm so lazy, I cut it so close to the head so that it will take a longer time to re-cut it! Both parents look like punk rockers! :)

I keep hoping my sis who babysits them Mon-Fri could at least cut their nails. Ugh! I hate doing that. I have cut my mom's skin so many times. I'm nearsighted but I still have problem seeing close.

I cut my moms hair really short too. She wears a wig, so it doesn't matter. The last time I cut it she said " If I go out without my wig, people will think I'm a lesbian" I said "so, tell them you're a non practicing lesbian "! Thankfully I don't have to cut moms nails yet.

UGH! So, now my bro is having a party at his house for my nephews b'days and graduation. My mom wants to go but, because my sister will be there, I would rather not as I know we will have a problem. So, my mom called my bro to tell him that she will need a ride and that I wasn't going because I deserve a break and if you won't let her take a break, she's taking it any way she can (this is true!). My bro got all upset because I won't be there. TOO BAD! You won't help me so, why should I deal with your phony treatment of mom! Sure, they'll be all happy to see her when she gets there but, they want nothing to do with her otherwise.

Losingh..off course he got all upset! The "babysitter" won't be there to help with mom! Funny...I actually laughed. I'm glad that your mom actually spoke up for you. This shows to your bro that he agrees with you not being there. Well, we'll see if anyone will be able to pick up mom or will he find another excuse not to?

Good for your mom. She knows how hard it is for you. I hope your mom tells them she'll be staying there later while you have a vacation. Enjoy your day off, you deserve it.

That's so funny, bookw..., you are so right! Mom is only going for her grandchildren. I get that but, the fact that she has opened her eyes to her own children upsets her. I hate to see her upset. I've had enough of their B.S. Please, someone explain why it is that they just don't get it????

This is what I believe with my whole heart and soul. I have spent YEARS caring for my Alz mom. If you check my profile, you will see what I'm talking about. When dad had a stroke last year and was bedridden, I really, really thought that my siblings will help. NOPE!!! Therefore, based on my experience with my family, it is NOT that they "don't get it." They have Their Own Life and anyone Not of their womb is Not Their Problem...and that includes their own sis/bro or parents. I understand why they don't want to help with the parents - because of the abuse we endured growing up. But, what about me? We grew up, stood together and hid everything from the PARENTS to avoid further punishments. So, I feel so Betrayed by most of my siblings. Does that make sense? It's not because they "don't get it". They Do Know but just Refuse to Acknowledge it. It Is Not Their Problem...until one day they need something from your or said parent. Trust me, they will come..as if nothing happened, as if no resentment, etc...

So, the key is to withdraw emotionally from them. Accept that they won't help and move on to find ways to help de-stress ourself. Ways to handle our parent. Get advice from other sources. And if/when family helps, be sure to enthusiastically thank them. (Even though inside, we want to say: That's all!? What about this or that? etc..) Do not say, "Finally!" which will just make them angry because they "try" to help you and you had an "attitude"! And this will be such a good excuse to stop helping you/parent! Always, show appreciation so that They Feel Good and Maybe help you again. Note, I said Maybe. Don't ever give them a reason Not to help you... 8-/

Ok, I see what your saying but, when my SIL family needs help -- father had lung cancer which became brain cancer and her sister was in a terrible car accident (hooked on pain killers) and her 5 year old son was killed. He didn't hesitate to help and support, etc. But, the minute I ask for ANY kind of help for mom -- believe me, I've learned never to ask for myself -- I get YOU DO IT!

My oldest bro who lives next door with wife and 3 grown children are like your bro. Can you believe - and this is from his daughter - that when sil's aunty moves back here for good (she's in the states) - bro and wife will move in with her Aunty because...get this...she's old and can't live by herself! Hello?! She's healthy, she's walking, she's not disabled. But, when it comes to HIS parents - it's not their problem. It's My Problem...I understand Losingh. Like I said, they only come to me when they need something...Like my one-time only therapist said to me, "You have problem saying NO." Soooo true! Like niece said, "Aunty, you're too softhearted." Bummer! I have to be the "normal" one of the family who has a conscience! :)

LOL YES, I feel the same way! I somehow got the compassionate gene! LOL I've only begun to learn how to say "NO". But, see that's the problem. I'm now saying "NO". They don't like that and will call me every name in the book. They say they are done with me. No, I've been done with you! The bottom line is I don't mind being here for mom. The issue is I'd like a break or sometimes I can't do EVERYTHING or I need some help packing, lifting, etc. Is that too much to ask/beg for? But, as you said, I need to take them out of the equation and figure out a way to just get what I have to get done. Which, slowly but surely, I am learning what resources are available. I thank you for making me realize all of this and that there are options and its ok to say NO.

I'm glad! No one should struggle with caregiving by oneself and Not be aware that there are Outside Help available. You just have to look for it via phone book or contact one's parents clinic and ask the doctor's nurse for recommendation. There are so many resources out there that we are unaware of. Keep us updated of this and your bro's party!