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I know we can't change other's behavior, just our own. Whenever I call my dad's house, my sibling who lives there ALWAYS tells me, 'dad is getting, worse, blah blah. I lived there for 20 years and recently moved out to get married. He DOES NOT want to care for my dad. My husband says I'm taking the venting personally , but I know him and can't help but feel he's resentful. Any advice. thanks

RE living rent free (because this ticks me off when I get told this ) Living rent free while caring for an elder parent is not FREE to the caregiver. We give up EVERYTHING - a job, social life, essentially free in home care that would sap their finances had it been a paid home health worker -

All we do to live RENT free in serving their needs. Free? There' nothing free.

If he is stating he can't do it then he is telling the truth.

A few small errands morph into more and more and more - and he has found his cut loose point as crappy as it feels to hear it.
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Mama, I agree that everyone is not cut out to be a CG, I didn't, but I sympathize with Nantucket. Her brother has gotten away with things for years. He lives in the house, I bet, rent free. If Dad is getting worse then its up to brother to find a solution. Get extra caregivers. Set Dad up in an AL or NH. Sister has done her part. Its time for brother do his share. Its time she live her life.
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Just my perspective... I got thrust into being a live in caregiver to my dad. While he didn’t need quite as much care in the beginning, he has declined quickly and I am so unprepared. I’m not a natural care giver, I have lived alone for 8 yrs and I suffer from severe anxiety. The stress of taking care of dad is taking its toll. I blew up at my family members for not helping out enough, in 10 months I have only gotten 4 days “off” to visit my son. I never let dad see my stress or unhappiness but I keep it in which is killing me. Family is not supportive of my needs or mental health because it’s not their problem. While you may have handled everything, it may just be too much for your brother. Not everyone is cut out for the demands of caregiving.
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Nantucket, I see where you are coming from. I bet your brother took advantage of your cooking and cleaning. No, he doesn't want to take care of Dad, he probably thought that was your job. Did he pay Dad rent? If not, tell him he is now paying Dad back for his free lodging. Call brothers bluff. Tell him if he can't take care of Dad then move out and you will find a way to get Dad additional help.

Sorry people, everything was OK when sister did everything. Looks to me like brother never contributed anything to the household. Now he has to do something, Oh My God! Really, he comes home at maybe five, Dad is in bed maybe 11pm. He can't care for Dad for six hours! But, he expects sister to do it. I'm with sister. Maybe Dad doesn't need that much help brother just not willing to do. He had it good before now.

I had an Aunt who used to piss me off. She was born at the end of 8 children. The first six grew up during the depression and the war. By the time my Aunt came along things were looking up. The older ones were getting married and had moved out. My GF had a good paying job and she was his favorite. She was the laziest person. Her house was filthy. She knew it all. She would brag how smart she was and never held down a job. Her mother always had health problems. Got to the point my Gma was having spells. So my Mom or cousin would spend the night with her. My uncle would check on her everyday after work. Eventually, the oldest daughter thought it would be best for my Gma to sleep at her home at night. OD held down a f/t job. She would take her mother to her house every morning and pick her up after work every night. This went on for a while. Eventually the youngest daughter moved in with Gma. In all this time my Aunt did nothing for her mother. OD retired and moved leaving five of Gmas kids living in the same town. It got where Gma's Dementia was getting worse so low and behold, Aunt takes her in for two years. All we heard from then on was how much she did for her mother. How OD left when Mom needed her most. The woman had 8 kids! The OD had done her share. So, I can see where spoiled brother is coming from and its time he grew up.
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Thank you for all your responses. Obviously, I'm not going to get into every detail of what our disagreement was like when I lived there. Let's just say ugly was an understatement. I've learned from life and reading this chat room that there's always at least one difficult entitled person in each family, office, etc. The reason why I even brought it up was just to vent and maybe get some positive feed back b/c honestly, having conflict, whether its passive/aggressive or confrontation, makes me very nervous.
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Nantucket, I am sorry if anything I, personally posted made it sound like you don’t deserve your own life and happiness. And, it sounds to me like your relationship with your brother was already going down the tubes when you married and moved out. Sounds like he made no bones about not wanting to be a caregiver. It’s very difficult to force someone to assume that role even if the feelings are that it’s thejr turn to step up.

Where you take this now is up to you. Even when we give up the day to day, we are still caregivers until the person passes. Try to put aside your ouchy feelings and ask Brother if he thinks you should enlist the help of home health care.

No matter who does it there is no doubt that caregiving is the most thankless job in the world. If my kids knew what I have to do for their dad on a day to day basis, they’d be shocked and amazed. And I wouldn’t wish it on them for anything in the world.
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Thanks for that. I just think some peps only want to care for themselves. I took the reins for so many years and now it's anger is what I get.
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I understand the lop-sided - uneven - unfair thing.

from the beginning of my journey with my parents, as soon as I saw something that needed to be done, I was on it. I put myself in that situation. because I already knew I had to. (I just knew I was the one who was going to have to STEP UP)

so maybe you are the responsible one and your brother is not.

I told myself at the beginning. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. what the other person does or does not do, doesn't matter to me.

not trying to put myself on a pedestal. but I felt I wanted to make sure my mom and dad had everything done for them. I don't care if it was all on me. take my sibling out of the equation (in my mind) because I'm not going to change my sibling.

I don't have it as hard im sure because my mom and dad went to AL. but the beginning was really rough. its was overwhelming. each year gets easier but harder at the same time. (harder as my moms dementia get worse)

so ask your brother what does he want to do? tell him you are at your wits end too. make a plan so you can both go on with your lives.
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Aha.

Can I assume that you're a girl and he's a boy? Or rather the adult versions?

I am not a guy-basher! But I've often found that SOME men find this care-giving stuff to be much harder than women do. I don't know if it's because they weren't taught those skills or are less skillful at seeking out advice.

How about giving your brother this website as a "go to" place to vent and get useful tips?
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Thanks for all the responses. I don't want to get into a long diatribe about the dynamic of everything. I just think some people are more selfish.
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Not only did my sib not offer to help ….I everything for my parent while my sib lived in the same house!!!!!! Then miraculously as soon as I moved, EVERYTHING got worse...no it did not, I just took care of it.
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My parents are declining in health, I was giving updates after appointments to my brothers, one says he appreciates what we do and wishes he could help more, the other always sounds angry, I decided to call his wife to ask why and she said he feels guilty about not being able to help out, so responds negatively. I am on the opposite side of where you are, but through all this, no one should feel any negativity, you are where you need to be with a new husband, your sibling is choosing to be where he is, maybe feeling resentment and he needs to work on that, but maybe just needs to vent. My parents live in Assisted Living, we thought it would be easier, but with different personalities in the mixture at this stage of a parents life, does not provide for any easy answers. For me, lots of deep breaths and figured I have to change my thoughts, I can't control his. Good Luck!!!
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Of course you can get married! I'm sorry that no one offered to help while you were the caregiver.

It sounds as though your line of thinking is "I did it without complaining, why can't you?" Is that about it?

Selfish? I'm not sure about that. You say that he says "dad is getting worse". Does dad have dementia? That progresses, and what was "doable" by one person 6 months ago may no longer be possible.
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We have help while my sib is at work and I go over regularly. I did it and no one offered to help, I still go over. He just doesn't want to be a CG, but it was completely fine when I DID IT. I know CG is hard, but it's not my fault. I mean is it okay if I get married??? Come on now people. I didn't get mad at my siblings when I was the CG. Instead of saying, you did all this before me, you did a good job, etc. etc. It's all about him, no one ever asked me if I needed help. EVERYTHING was at an even keel until I moved out. Does anyone else see the selfishness in this?
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Now is the time toe work on salvaing any kind of relationship with brother. You have done your "share"

LEt brother know you know exactly how he feels, and together come up with a plan that can work for all 3 of you.

I'd take the venting personally. He's not doubt mad at you for stepping away and now having a life. CG is depressing and grinding and the worst paid profession, I think.

You've been there, you' ve done it and you have a lot of insight.

For dad's sake, for brother's and yours, dad needs to be elsewhere. And brother probably needs a decent job.
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Does your dad have dementia? That is NOT a one person caregiving job!
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I agree with Barb. Take your brother out to lunch and have a meeting of the minds. Chances are Dad is very vocal about not wanting to go to a facility. No one looks forward to needing to be placed. But, if your brother is burning out, you and he need to find a solution. Do more than call. If you live close enough, give Brother a break once week or so.

Brother is not just “venting”. It’s wonderful you don’t take it personally, but he needs help. He needs you to be there and support him. Offer to research facilities or in-home help. For Dad’s sake, you need to help your brother out.
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I was the nurse, cook, gardener, you name it. My sibling moved in several years ago to save money and in the meantime I moved b/c I got engaged. But I can tell he's pissed about it.
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Maybe I'm missing something here, but if your sibling doesn't want to be dad's caregiver, why is he doing it?

Were you helping with the caregiving when you lived there?

Can you assist your sibling in getting dad into a care facility? Is that what you think he wants?
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