My 91 yr old mom recently was admitted to a dementia facility after a week long stay in a hospital. We're working with an elder care attorney to get the Medicaid application processed to pay for mom's long term stay, and her Medicare coverage just ran out yesterday (we were given 48 hrs notice). I'm very anxious about the situation. It looks like she'll qualify for Medicaid but there is a grey area that I don't want to get into here in detail. Let's just say that there's one point in her application that has me concerned.
I was researching it tonight online when my daughter came in to remind me I need to register her for summer camp (the one she likes registers god awful early!). I responded with, "thanks for the reminder, sweetie. I'll take care of that just as soon as I finish looking at this article." She smiled & left the room. Then I turned to my husband to show him the article that I found.
He abruptly told me that I need to stop sacrificing my daughter for my mother. I was stunned. How have I possibly done that??? He pointed out how my daughter wanted me to do her summer camp registration & instead I put her off. In my defense, I was putting her off for five minutes while I showed him this article on Medicaid that I found, that was it. He then let me know that he's had enough. It's time to "wrap up this mother business" & get back to focusing on us and our lives. He told me that I needed to get my priorities straight.
I'm devastated. He all but accused me of being a neglectful parent, which he knows has been my biggest fear in all of this (I didn't have the most nurturing mother, myself). I've tried to do everything I could possibly think of to compensate for all the chaos of me dealing with mom's recent medical issues & long term needs. But, I'm an only child and my dad's deceased. I'm my mother's only immediate family member. I HAVE TO but the work in to settle her situation and I have no control over how complex it'll be or how long it'll take.
It just broke my heart that he could think that way about me. I beat myself up for a few hours about it, wondering if my daughter was going to grow up to hate me for this time in her life. But later in the evening as I was picking up around the house, I realized a few things. Her new winter boots, new coat and snow pants? I took her shopping for those things. The Santa presents hidden in the attic? That was also me. The Christmas presents for extended family (including all the in law gifts)? Me again. This year's photo of her and Santa and the town bazaar? I was the one that took her to that. Not her dad. Her Elf on the Shelf has gotten moved every single night since Thanksgiving (when our elf has traditionally shown up) by ME. Oh, and the letter from Santa that arrives from an artist on Etsy (that she's gotten every year since she was born)? I just ordered that myself on Friday.
All the prepared food in the fridge, the snacks, and her lunch sitting ready to go for tomorrow? Me, me, and me. I was at her basketball game this morning, took her shopping for new basketball shorts and sneakers afterwards. I helped her wash her hair this evening, then brushed it and braided it for her. Despite the situation with mom (and my full time career), nothing has faltered. I stood in the kitchen realizing that everything to be done for this family in preparation of a new week was done, by me alone.
I'm NOT a neglectful mother and I'm NOT sacrificing my daughter for my mother. In fact, I'm killing myself to make sure that my baby girl can count on everything in her world being consistent and secure no matter what back bends I need to perform to make that happen.
That realization should've made me feel better but it did not. I'm so disappointed in my husband right now that I can't even see straight. Empathy isn't he strongest trait but I never thought he'd be so thoughtless right the worst of this situation.
Second, all the posters here telling you to take care of yourself and your family are absolutely correct. Caregiving can be overwhelming and consuming and you have to try to not let it take over your life. That is absolutely true.
Third, maybe, just maybe, your husband needs to understand the relationships in his life. You are his wife, not his mother. He's supposed to support you, not get snippy, when you're taking care of someone besides him. Maybe he could try to be there emotionally for you, for a change. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve one single break from being Superwoman and automatically knowing and balancing everyone's needs and juggling your caregiving for everybody.
I'm just saying I'm not going to tell you one more thing you need to do. You are doing enough. I think your husband needs to grow up and step up.
and as far as the husband & registering camp, maybe he doesn’t have the information necessary? Cut him some slack please. There are certain things some of us handle because WE have the information and know how to do it and our spouse doesn’t.
There is something bigger going on here and we shouldn’t be crucifying one party to it. What the OP needs to do is listen to her husband and have a discussion to find out where this is coming from and how THEY can work through it. She doesn’t need to hear negativity about her husband from a bunch of strangers.
I am glad you realize your value and what you are contributing to the relationship. You are in an extremely stressful time and need the SUPPORT of your husband. You do not need another person or situation sucking the life out of you. I find your husband's self centered attitude absolutely unacceptable. Poor thing isn't getting enough attention. Well BOO HOO. For people to suggest he needs more sex, I say he's got a hand, doesn't he?
I have been in an extremely stressful caregiving situation for 5 years. I am so lucky my husband does what he can to take some of the stress off of me. If your husband can't be supportive in your time of need, is this someone you want to spend your life with? Is he only there for you in the good times?
You are a strong, kind hearted woman. I am so upset with your husband.
Sending hugs your way!!!!!
What an arse.
She is working with an attorney, let him do the research, that is what she is paying him for.
I agree, have a date evening and night with hubby, start looking him in the eyes and telling him she loves him. I left home and it was MY mother and my husband. I had to get out or die. Life is too short to live in an unhappy situation, don't be surprised if hubby feels the same way.
The dysfunction becomes so normalized that it becomes the norm for them. They don’t even see the mayhem or chaos until they either step away themselves or forced to step away from it because someone walks, thus leaving them alone.
Sometimes it isn’t even a dysfunctional situation. People become so preoccupied with stuff that that don’t notice anything else. They live in their own little world.
I always find it interesting when people say what they would do differently in their lives. Some have a long list. Others say that they wouldn’t change a thing because that is precisely what made them who they are. I see both sides.
As far as gender goes. It doesn’t matter if the OP is male or female. Everyone should be treated equally. That is what is fair.
2nd: I've known personally a lot of couples (excluding my own) in this situation & *every damn time* it was the case that the husband was expecting too much. Not saying that *all* men are that way but every darn time in this situation (except for mine), that's how the men behaved, i.e., another kid for the wife to take care of. Every. Time.
3rd: To the comments about "she was just reading an article, not really working on Mom's application, that's what the lawyer's for, let him do it": wow, there are lawyers who do what they're supposed to where you live instead of saying, "Now, I've got some homework for ya"? (Which is something that I've literally had 2 attorneys say to me.) Annnd, if you're thinking right now, "Well, just fire a lawyer like that & get a new one"? Been there, done that; got another lawyer just like the first. (And looks like I may well have to fire yet another one soon...so tired of people who won't do their jobs...) So I guess I'm wondering, what are these lawyers you speak of who do their jobs and actually *earn* their copious dollars? Don't seem to be any where I live.
Don't get me wrong. I come from a family that can get very crude so Cap's comments don't really offend me but having said that there needs to be some consistency across the board on this forum when it comes to what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate.
1. Husband sees the future and wants to remind that her daughter and him have to take precedence (I refer to the “gray area in her application that has her concerned).. If OP doesn’t care to share here, then it’s hard to understand the entire situation. Maybe she IS spending a lot of time on this.
2. Husband is a selfish arse and wants all attention on him and daughter, not understanding or caring that her mother needs assistance. WIthout knowing the level of time/care spent with mother by the OP, hard to discern.
Although I am not an only child, I might as well be. None of my sibs do anything, although one brother will do a bit if I pay him.
Sorry -- I'm venting.
Hey, you’re allowed to vent.