OK, I have just joined this site today and maybe just hoping to find others in similar situations, so I don't feel so alone. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with feelings of resentment, followed by guilt. I have been reading some of the other discussions on this site and realize that many people are in much worse situations, so now I am struggling with more guilt in complaining and I apologize if my complaints offend anyone.
My mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago, leaving my now 86 year old dad behind. I was never close to my dad but once my mom passed, it became my "duty" to be there for him. Dad is still physically healthy except very hard of hearing and in the early stages of dementia. He still lives in his own house but expects me to be at his beck & call-I live close by. At his age, I know that his mental & physical health will only decline but after 2 1/2 years, I am already so tired of being "there" for him.
Since he is able to physically care for himself, my job is to listen to him & do things with him. I know, that sounds easy enough, and this is where I feel guilty for complaining but I am so tired of listening. My dad is probably one of the most negative & opinionated people I have ever met, and he loves to talk at you. He doesn't want to hear anyone else's opinions and the daily 45 minute phone calls are exhausting. When I go shopping, he expects to go along, and then questions any items I am looking at, wanting to know why I want something. I usually have to drop him off at home and go back to the store to do most of my shopping, after we have the lunch that I have no desire to have. If he's not being opinionated, he has to tell me long "stories" about things that happened 50 years ago. I have heard the stories now, more times than I can count.
The outings & phone calls leave me absolutely exhausted and usually follow with a long nap for me, and I just get further & further behind on my own responsibilities. Before my mom passed away, I was happily single and independent but suspect I am now joining the ranks of "depressed" people, even though I never experienced depression prior to this change.
I have never liked my father. If he weren't my father, I would avoid him like the plague, to be honest. I moved closer to be near my mom and never expected to be in this position and now just feel stuck. If I considered moving away, I would be viewed as this horrible person that abandoned her father at his time of need. I feel like my whole life is now on hold, especially when people are always saying how wonderful it is that I am here to take care of him. Why can't I see anything wonderful about it?
Its just crazy how they think they can get you to do what they want.......
I almost lost my marriage and my kids etc before I realised. Then I tried to change. I'm not very good at it but I can see what hes trying to do. Its relentless in his attempt to get what he wants.
Just saying - you've got to stop this before it ruins your life...
Change your perspective on this to HE will participate in every aspect.
You state he is competent.
You state he lives in an independent living facility.
Mom's facility is a mix of IL, AL and MC. She lives in the MC. BUT, they having parking spaces for those who still drive/have a car. They offer transport to shopping. There are other ways he can get out and buy his own needs, such as the ice cream.
For both you and OP, boundaries. Set reasonable ones and stick to them. Anything that isn't an emergency, either they can deal with it or you say ok and get to it when YOU feel like it! Don't answer every phone call. Visit/help when it is convenient for YOU. If they were invalid or incompetent, that's a different story, but they need to get push back or they will keep pushing!
Since your dad is able to care for himself, it is his responsibility, not yours, to provide for a social life. There is NO obligation for you to be his "cruise director" - he sounds like a man who expects to unload on a woman, to pontificate, to be taken care of socially. How about suggestions about activities he could be a part of at the senior center. Or hanging out with his contemporaries at the local donut shop. He will probably refuse, but you have put the idea out there. Can you start backing out? Limiting your time spent with dad?
You must be firm! Quality, not quantity, will be better
for you in the long run and help to break cycle of resentment and guilt. Pretty soon, you start feeling bad really easily. Let us know how things go.
Tradeoffs. Do you give up this part of your life as a loving gift or do you regret it later? Can you afford it?
Have you considered just saying "No". Let him have his tantrum. Its time you don't allow yourself to be manipulated by his acting out. Just walk away and tell him you will see him when he is feeling better. ((((((hugs))))
Personally, I would be very careful about the house, the cook and the maid! If your dad is anything like my dad, I can see that whole scenario blowing up in your face, if anything does not meet his expectations. You will be the whipping post if there ends up being anything wrong with the house, the cook or the maid, and you may end up being the one doing the cleaning & cooking. I don't believe that he really wants you to disappear and if he gets the house, he will find all sorts of ways to just take more of your time. Please, be very careful in going forward with his demands about the house!
I am genuinely seeking enlightenment on this point. You say you were never close, not to your mother, not to your father. You say your sister was the favourite, and since you say she is just as selfish as your parents it's clear you think your parents selfish. You say your father thinks of you as his fairy godmother, which implies at least superficial appreciation on his part. You say you spent five years caring for them because you love them. You say they were good parents when you were younger.
Well, now I really don't know what to think. Then it occurred to me: perhaps you don't know what to think, either. Is anyone helping you sort that out, emotionally?
Your father is competent and living in an ILF. He has access to all the services and support he needs, and is capable of asking for them. It won't do him the slightest harm if you "vanish" right now, just for a break, until you've had a chance for your head to stop spinning.
If he can get it done himself, that's fine.
Otherwise say no and stay away until he's done tantrumimg.
My question: where are all those judgmental friends of your father's when it's time to go shopping, out to lunch, just chatting, etc.? Don't be guilted, or manipulated, by those opinionated people who are there only to criticize. When they've walked a mile in your shoes, maybe you can allow them to shame you, but I doubt that will happen. Your father sounds very meanspirited and petty. There's a possibility he could change his Will whether or not you cater to his every whim. You may one day have to decide to walk away and leave it all to save your sanity and happiness.
If you truly have joint tenancy with right of survivorship for all bank accounts, that should give you financial control that your brother doesn't have. However, your dad can change his Will or Trust any time as long as he is of sound mind. You need a Durable Power of Attorney to manage his finances and living arrangements when he becomes mentally incapacitated.
I can't imagine how difficult your position is now, and looking toward the future. My 98 yr old mother is sweet and undemanding, but she looks to me to fulfilll her social happiness and that's something no one can do for another person. I feel guilty everytime I leave her ALF and her deep sigh follows me out the door. Quilt is always with us.
Good luck to you.
However I was not able to accomplish this with my older sister who was negative and wanted me to hate my parents. I didn't want to hate my parents. I thought the did the best they could for who they were. Yet I was unable to get off the phone with her. My husband said I would be depressed for 3 days after each call. It was impossible to work things out with her. If you didn't agree with her or had a different idea, then you were accused of being mean. One time she said "Are you calling me a lier?" I said "no I just have a different memory of the event". Then she said "I don't think I like being called a lier"!. That finally crossed my line and I said "Well, then stop calling me!" and hung up.
Actually she was divorced and living alone and I didn't completely understand how lonely she was. She said she would even talk to salesmen on the phone for company. Now I am divorced and living alone (no family here). So I talk to people on "Word with Friends" even though I know most of the men are on the take. But I talk to them until they ask for money. That sounds sad, but this is a part of getting older.especially if one has lost their spouse.
My daughter will say "Now I want to tell you something but I don't want you to criticize" This is the boundary she is working on me with. I want information so I cooperate (the carrot). When I am too judgmental (I think I am just offering an opinion) she just clams up (the stick). Being positive is hard to do when one is so isolated. But I am working on it.
I moved to rural TN by myself. Didn't know a soul. I'm originally a "city girl" from the suburbs of Detroit. I moved to FL with my ex fiance, bc he took a job there, I didn't want to live in FL. I am not a hot weather person.We broke up 2 years after moving there,(he really didn't want to get married. Just didn't want to live alone.)
I bought a foreclosure in rural TN with the plans of staying 2 years to fix it up, spend time alone to grieve the relationship, than sell at a profit and move home. I had never even vacationed in TN. Just bought the house via the internet and FedEx. Did not know a soul here.
Less than a year after moving here, my older alcoholic brother moved 2 blocks away from me here a year later. He was the victim of a violent crime in Detroit, and left with his dog, the clothes on his back and his car. Less than a year later he had 3 strokes and double brain surgery. I have been "trapped" here 16 years taking care of him. He is mean and nasty, and bc he yelled at any physical therapist that tried to help him regain his ability to walk, he cannot walk. I came here when I was 40. Young enough to still have a good life. Now I am 56, have my own health issues, and nobody to help me. The strokes were not his fault. But the alcoholism, Rx drug abuse, and allowing every loser in town live to with him, than expecting me to clean up the mess after they stole his money, sold his belongings, his medications and abused him. And I did. Because "You're closest to him. What can I do. I'm in DC or I'm in MI."
All my hopes and dreams, my health and mental well being are gone. As is my youth. I cry everyday. I just want to go home. This house is a money pit and I'm too sick to go through selling it.
What I would do is try to put your father in assisted living. Hold off on moving till he is in and settled, and you know it is a good place. Contact an elder law attorney to protect any assets he has so the state doesn't take them. Do not end up like me. I wish I knew then what I know now. My life's path was decided for me by an alcoholic and my siblings. Now I am going to cry. I hope that helps.
He always was but now that he can not stay on the go, it is worse. My opinion is that even though your Dad may not like you not being the care giver, it is best for you both for him to have someone else. It is too difficult for it to not build up inside you. So if you stay you may have resentment. If you go have a life then you may feel guilt. You have to decide which one you can live with. Ive decided for my father to have a caregiver 4 hours a day. Even though everyone was in disbelief that I was not going to fulfill the caregiver role, they have adjusted. And my father likes the caregiver. I am unsure if he knows why but I believe it is due to it not being emotional for the caregiver to be with him. Hope you come to a conclusion that feels good for you.
My 91yr old dad is very hard of hearing and misses out on so much. He loves playing cards and dominoes but will only play with people who know him and know he doesn't hear well, so I understand my dad's not wanting to go to a senior center and frustrate his playmates and perhaps embarrass himself around people who don't know him.
He doesn't want to fork out thousands of dollars for a hearing aid, so I'm checking into hearing devices advertised in magazines. Surprisingly, there are some out there that have decent ratings. I think his desire to socialize would be greatly improved if he could actually hear well enough to participate in conversations. Not to mention how less frustrating and stressful for me not to have to yell all the time!
My two cents if it might help in this area.
What is your father doing to broaden his world, to socialize? He has got some responsibilities here. you know. How about senior center or other activities he might be interested in? You are not his "cruise director" unless you want to be and it seems reasonable for him to make an effort to meet his social needs other than through you.
Frankly, I would not feel guilty backing off, even moving away. It is not just about his needs, but about yours as well. Only fair.
PS this site does help tremendously especially when you are at your wits end. It helps to read and realize how much worse it could be or to laugh at some of the comments made by others.
I adore your honesty. I really do.
Other people are not living your life or paying for your upkeep. Why let those who know nothing about your life, influence how you live your life?
Oh, how I can relate to everything you wrote, the only difference is I provide care for both my parents to whom I am not close.
That being said, given you are self-sufficient, and were once happy and independent, please get some therapy. It will give you clarity in regards to your guilt and concern about what others will think. (F**k them and their opinions).
You didn't mention siblings, which suggests it's all on you. Do check out alz.org for guidance. I heard about it word of mouth from others in our situation, and found it helpful.
I too, have noticed that people who aren't, and never have provided care for a parent, upon hearing one is a caregiver, nod their heads approvingly and murmur platitudes about it "being wonderful". They mean well, but it does get old.
I wish you strength, and hope you'll seek the ear of a trained professional.