Wow. My relationship with my mother is completely shot.


Mom is 90 and started a tremendous physical decline just this Christmas. For the first couple of weeks, it was pain management and physical therapy. Now, my out of town sister, who mean well, but is very controlling has swept into town and completely taken over, and my mother is currently in hospital with cellulitis and completely bedridden and may not even live, let alone get out of a nursing home. I am frantically looking for nursing care for her which makes me the bad guy. My relationship with my mother is completely shot. She now has the nurses bar me from the room while my sister gives me "keep up the good work looks behind her back." I feel miserable, and I feel like the only one who is being realistic here..likewise, I'm probably out of the will by now, which is no big deal..any thoughts?

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My sister is very efficient and competent, but she is also extremely directive and controlling. She's this way in everything. That's her shortcoming to a certain degree. I am just going to have to adjust to a different relationship with Mom from now on, I guess. After all..this really isn't about me. I very much appreciate all the input and I will continue to follow others' comments and wise words..thank you all so much!

If I hadn't done anything life threatening to my mother but was being 'barred' (whatever that means) from seeing her, I'd raise a holy stink. It would take an armed guard to stop me from seeing my own mother till I got to the root of the problem. They'd have to let me into her room, or wake the dead.

Hey Inthis!
ask the nurses whassup. They see this stuff all the time.
people are really in denial when it comes to the end of life. As a caregiver to my mom, it was easier to make me the villian than to look at the situation and see the truth.
You're going to need all the strength you have to withstand the coming craziness. And that's what it is: Craziness.
Tell your sister that this situation is untenable and you are not 'banned' from your mother's room and you and your sister need to sit down and figure out what's going on for the next stage. March in and tell your mom to knock it off.
tell your sister to get on this site and poke around so she sees all the different stories and approaches you have to solve this problem.
The end of life does not have to be a giant boiling pot of stress because other people have added to it.
And, who knows, maybe your mom will rally and you guys will have some more good times together.
I wish you luck and angels to get you through all of this. Telling your sister up front that her management method is not working would get this stopped before it's too much of a habit to just mow over what you're doing.
Don't be frantic looking for nursing care. Call one of the agencies on the page here and they will get you started.
Breathe and stay in touch with us here. someone will always show up and say: take my advice! I'm not using it!
sense of humor real important.
Good luck and don't forget to Vent!!

Thank you so much for caring enough to listen to me! Sometimes, the changes my Mom is going through are scary for family, too. I know she must be very frightened, much more so than the rest of us. I think you must be very wise. Again, thanks.

Sit down with mom and ask her what are her wishes! And just tell her all you want is for her to be happy and well taken care of. Did mom or sister have the nurses bar you from the room? If it was sister, if she don't have POA then she has no say, if it was mom well you need to figure out why she did that. Maybe she thinks you put her there and she don't want to be there. But whatever it was or is you need to let her know you only have her best interest at heart. And if she don't want your help then so be it, not much you can do. And just tell her you love her and know you tried! Hope it all works out and you!

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