I hope I am welcomed as I pose a question as the fiance of a caregiver. We met in Los Angeles at work, and I then moved back to Georgia to be with my family. He has been taking care of his 88 year old Mother for about 10 years, and says he cannot move out to be with me and start our life because he can't leave her in the situation she's in now. Am I being selfish to think that he and his sister should find a nurse or arrange a home for her? She is not well at all, and my fiance is over there every night. I almost feel like the "other woman," and I'm just having a hard time understanding his devotion to her so much to the point that he sacrifices his own happiness and our future together. Anyone?

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Hi Brannysue,
Welcome. I'm glad you are seeking ways to understand this delicate situation. First, you do have a good man here. He has been caring for his mother when a lot of men would have left that for the sister. It's not easy to just decide mom should go to a nursing home. Family dynamics are at work here. Promises to Mom.

How is her health? Is she demanding and taking over everyone's lives or is she frail and they are just trying to do their best during her last months? Much depends on her health and if this is a long-term situation or if it is nearing an end. If it's going to continue for a long time, then changes will need to be made if you two are going to live your lives together. However, if she is truly frail and nearing the end, I encourage patience on your part. Talk with your finance and see what is going on. Visit his mother and learn as much as you can. If you love him and want a future with him, you'll have to learn more about why he seems to be putting his mother first.


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