Really a discussion on "why do people feel its their responsibility to care for a LO"
Is it the generation we come from? My Grandmother had 8 children. Besides her kids my Dad doesn't remember not having someone else living with them. The last ones my Gma's father and sister who had cared for him. Now remember SS didn't come into effect until the 30s. My GGfather was in his late 60s then.
I know my DHs Aunt, a widow in her 90s, got mad when two of her brothers, with their wives, permanently moved to Fla. They should have stayed and helped her. (Her DH spoiled her and they never had children) So, I can see that generation feeling that family needs to be there for them.
I grew up in the 50s/60s. My Dad always said, once we graduated it was College or work. I chose work. I paid room and board. I didn't quit a job unless I had another to go to. I never borrowed large amts of money from my parents. I worked for everything I have gotten. No cosigners. When we bought a house, it was one we could afford on one salary. ( realize doesn't happen that way now) We are lucky to have some money put away. I asked for nothing.
My parents never instilled in us that we were responsible for each other's lives. I don't feel that my brothers should be a caregiver for me or me them. If my brothers lost their homes, yes I would offer them to stay with me until they got it all together. Yes, if one of my brothers lived alone, I would make sure they had food, heat and were safe. But, if they fought me at every turn and didn't appreciate what I was doing, I wouldn't do it. If they needed 24/7 care, I would find them a nice AL or LTC. Thats what I owe them. I don't owe them my life.
My parents were good parents. My Dad a little hard to live with but a good man. He, I would not have physically cared for. I would have found him a nice LTC facility and visited often. Mom I did care for but found it was too much and placed her in an AL 5 min up the road. Brothers never offered to care for her. One was having problems with his MIL and other one is in the wind somewhere.
I just can't understand when you see someone is already caring for someone, why would you even consider asking them to care for you. Like Jo, why does she feel that sister will ask to move in and why would she even consider it? (Not that u would Jo) And what really gets me is when someone has been caregiving for years and the LO dies. Freedom right. No, someone in the family feels now you can care for Aunt Lilly. What! Is it a sort of romantic outlook? Where you just help them dress, see they ate bathed and fed and its all hunky dory? Not that the person cared for is a narcissist, or stubborn as hell. And each bath turns into a fight. That they spill food all down the front of them meaning clean clothes. Not that ur toileting them like a toddler. That u have no time to yourself that ur tired and every bone aches. Your back will never be right again. And then they expect you to care for someone else.
I believe in giving a helping hand. Point them in the right direction. If they chose not to go in that direction, thats not your fault. If they haven't saved for a rainy day, thats not your fault. If you can help financially to get them over that "hump" ok but they need to find a way to stand on their own. If it means selling their house, that extra car so be it. We can't be everything to everyone. Sometimes I sit here wondering, and who is going to do for me when I am elderly. This doesn't mean I won't be there for people, just means I will not allow someone to take advantage of me.
Like someone said to me onetime "God does not expect us to be doormats"
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Unfortunately, my mother, like many, did not make any other plans for her old age. She didn't expect to live so long, or in such a state of disability. She needed a lot of help and she had no money for paid help or assisted living. And she latched on to my good will and willingness to help out in a pinch, and over time it turned out she was a lot more willing to be a burden to me than she was to scale back her expectations for the "independent" lifestyle she could only maintain with constant help.
I blame society for making elders believe that their comfort and convenience in their old age give them the right to take over the lives of one or more of their adult children. It's a pervasive attitude that often masquerades as some God-given truth. I recently read an article in WebMD entitled "Am I responsible for my Aging Parents?" They quote as their "expert" an author who says:
"I'm a big believer that the expectation must be that everyone will one day be a caregiver ... It’s important to understand that feelings of affection aren’t necessary to be a good caregiver … We can’t simply pick and choose whether we're going to help based on our feelings about [parents'] past behavior. It will certainly be stressful to care for someone who you think was irresponsible and careless, but nonetheless it's part of the journey we call life."
This is the kind of crap that's being peddled by self-appointed experts and disseminated throughout society as the gospel truth. It's almost impossible to fight this, especially when you have a parent who is elderly, needs help, and has basically no other options.
it is also so true, about the mindset of not lifting a finger to help anybody. It’s dangerous. If you can help, you should but it’s ok to do it in your terms. Within your boundaries
reminds me of another forum / another time .
a girl got all indignant when somebody denounced welfare / disability grifters . she said we should walk a mile in their shoes . i wrote back and added " while they have a much needed nap " .
yea you do have to be careful trying to help ' some ' people .
On the other hand as individuals we have to recognize our responsibility to ourselves and take care of our self and plan for our futures so that if the time comes when we can't take care of ourselves at least we've prepared as much as we are humanly able to.
But I've always had this "but through the grace of God, there go I" mentality too. Not every homeless person begging on the street is lazy. Sometimes mental illness is involved, sometimes they are escaping abuse. There can be dozens of reasons a person needs help. This also includes our own loved ones. So I guess what I'm saying is every case is different. We use our own common sense to figure that out when deciding to help or not help someone.
Both Dad's parents were immigrants from two different countries, both were the eldest children in the family. My grandmother "escaped", having to care for her mother who would take to her bed for weeks at a time. Likely her mother was Bipolar, the second oldest wound up living at home caring for her parents, then her brothers, until the brother's married in their 40s.
Dad's Dad abandoned two families in the UK, before moving to Canada, shacking up with my grandmother and they had my Dad.
My parents did not provide any care to their parents. Both grandfathers died of lung cancer, both grandmother's died at 82 in hospital, but they lived independently in their homes up to the end.
My brother has Dad living with him and they are both convinved Dad will not have to go into a nursing home. I keep out of it.
Mum lives independently and knows I will not provide care to either of them.
I had a lot of expectations put on me to be a good girl, do well, etc as I was their only. I ended up being kind of a wild child for awhile and becoming a mom myself at 17 so I began caregiving then as a mom. But I got it together and have done very well in my life. All my cousins have taken their parents in to care for them. My dad's sister took in their parents who lived with them even though they seemed from what I have heard to be physically sound- it was just something the family did and expected that they would all live together. That aunt was cared for by her daughter in her home until she passed away at 102. My cousin was deep into her 70's by then. Because I was so much younger than my first cousins I grew up close to all their kids. My mom's parents were taken in by one of her younger brothers. I have tons of cousins on both sides and with the exception of one violent demented uncle, not one single person has put their folks in "the home"
I took care of my ex, my son's dad long after we split up and he needed help getting help with his addiction and mental health issues.
I took care of my best friend while she was dying of lung cancer.
I helped to the extent I could caring for my MIL and both of my SIL.
My husband is another story, he has multiple health issues and I fear the beginnings of cognitive issues, but that's a post for another day.
I finally have God help me, at this point in life, started to figure out boundaries and not giving a rip so much about what other people think I should be doing or who I should care for and how. My mom is in AL and although she sure complains about a lot of things I know I cannot care for her in my home, her needs are met, she's well taken care of.
I am doing everything in my power now to get ready for the rest of my life and to not expect this of my only child, my awesome son.
But yes- when other people see you as a caretaker, in my family anyway, no one seems to feel like you should have any issues taking on or helping out with another one!
My wife and I don't expect our sons to take care of us. We are prepared for retirement.
I believe that a marriage comes first and should not be sacrificed, thrown away or taken advantage of by a parent.
I'm fortunate (very fortunate) to have an awesome situation: my mom was able to purchase a "just the right size" home next door to mine, and she's still very independent. She's single and I'm an only. We've had some very calm and honest conversations over the course of time about expectations. On her own she tested out hearing aids (her hearing wasn't bad enough!) She's visiting NHs. She's voluntarily driving less. We know where we both stand on the care issue. She did all this after she witnessed the debacle created by my in-laws for our family. It is heartbreaking to read about the stress born by those with parents or spouses who have created incredibly messy situations. I can unfortunately relate.
Not enough people come to this forum early enough in the aging journey for themselves or for LOs. How to get all this amazing wisdom and info in front of people BEFORE they burn out, run out of money, run out of options and have to make decisions in a flaming panic with few resources?
I was raised to be independent and in my parents minds there was no glass ceiling for a woman....so off I went!
Although my parents divorced they both planned for their retirements, they set the example for me...for this I am grateful!
we dont wanna go back there .
The reason that a lot of women of our mom's ages never went back to work was the misplaced pride of their husbands; at least, that was so in my parents' case.
My father felt it would be a blow to his manhood to have a working wife, even after we kids were all out of the house. I found this out during a screaming match with my dad over the cost of college; he said, mad as all heck at me "what do you want, for your mother to have to go to work?". I said I didn't understand what would be so bad about that, since my brothers were both in school all day at that point. Boy, you shoulda heard the screaming that day!
Finally, when my youngest brother went to college, my mother got a job and hey presto, felt SO much better about herself! When she finally retired several years later, she went back to college (something else my dad hated).
Don't get me wrong; he was a wonderful guy, but had very old fashioned "old country" ideas about women working.
I think this is true of a lot of marriages from the 1940s and 50s.
Today, we raise up our daughters to think about careers from the time they are young.
Some cultures expect that you simply scoop up grandma or grandpa and move them in with you until they die.
Many people didn't save for retirement, believing (as my parents did) that SS would cover all their needs. Not by a long shot. If mother and dad hadn't lived with YB they would have been in some kind of low income housing.
My GRANDPARENTS prepared more for old age than did my parents. They saved and invested and lived within their means. Mother and dad didn't.
Dh and I are working on his retirement (I worked, but it was always as a 1099 contract employee) and we have investments, savings and our home is paid off. We did not think we'd have SS, and surprise, we do, which is good. I do not want to ask my kids for a dime.
I know far too many people my age who have made no plans and just expect their kids to care for them. My BIL is only 64 and 'retired' about 10 years ago. Sits on his butt and watches TV all day. His poor wife works FT and deals with her daughter and 2 kids living with them AND her crazy mother (who is hinting she wants to move in with her).
I DO NOT want to live with my kids, although all 5 have offered should the need arise. That's sweet, but it's a 2 way street. I rarely see it working out to the benefit of all concerned.
As far as feeling 'well, my parents took care of me for x many years, I owe them' I get hot under the collar about that. By age 12 I was working and paying for EVERYTHING I wanted or needed. I was taking care of my SIBS b/c my mom checked out so often.
I owe her NOTHING but respect.
My mother raised me to be able to take care of myself. I never felt like I was responsible for doing hands on care for my father but I did feel responsible to make sure he was in a safe place which he is.
So much I read here seems to circulate around religious beliefs, for some, actual brainwashing. Then we have those who lack the ability to say NO, not realizing that in many cases NO can be a positive not a negative answer, thus opening up the door to make sound decisions for those who no longer can do so.
My mother was never a SAHM, she could never figure out why women didn't go back to work after the children were in HS or an adult. I look around where I live and most wives (75+)never had a career, never planned for their future, they were totally dependent on their husbands, now hubby has died and they are both unable to meet their bills or deal with life on it's own terms...sad.
Ladies, the world has changed, we need to change with it.
Your post is spot on!