Realized that I have to start moving on from my grief and start living.

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I went to the cemetery over the weekend, as I usually do and go through the same self questioning, apologizing, and feeling sad over my mom. Then after a few minutes I suddenly came to the realization that I have to move on and start living my life. And as soon as I thought that, the feelings of sadness and grief just left me. And while I still miss my mom, it's not with the same depth of grief or yearning. That realization just snapped me out of it. My mom is in the next world, as I believe, and I am still here with who knows how many years left. So the issue is and has been moving out of state as I have wanted to do for many years. I have been vacillating back and forth, should I move or stay. And I realize that at 65 years old I need to move, just to accomplish this goal I have and wanted to do for many years. If I don't I know I will feel disappointed in myself and that an opportunity has passed. So I am trying to stick with this goal of moving. I feel I really can't and don't want to stay here anymore. So I am giving it a go in 3 or 4 months. If it doesn't work out, I am still in a good position to move somewhere else. But I feel that time is running out and I need to live the life I've wanted to live for a long time in an area I've always loved since I was young. Curious what your advice would be. Any advice, thoughts, concerns is welcome and would be helpful. Thanks.

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It all sounds hopeful. Thanks for sharing!
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Well another update on the road to healing. I’m off to travel back again to where I though I want to move. Checking out some other towns in western New York finger lakes region. I have some more clarity what I want. And thinking about my parents and family and realizing more and more how they are “really” gone from this world. And their hold on me is lessening as I feel more free to shape the life I’d like to live. Not quite sure what that life is but it’s beginning to peek through the fog. I’ve realized a little bit more that I’m in a new stage of life and the things that happened to me growing up in an abusive family is a past life and I can brush that part of my life aside. I do have days I miss my mother deeply but she’s earned the right to move on to the next life (my belief) and in that sense I’m happy for her. I’ve somewhat stopped looking at her passing as a tradgedy and have somehow reframed it as a reward for her hard life and suffering. It’s all very difficult to put into words. But even though the grief rears it’s ugly head uninvited I’m seeing this as my birth into a new life however foggy it appears at this time. I’m beginning to look forward more and less into the past. Just thought I’d try to express that a bit. All very complicated I guess.
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Bloom, you're showing a new level of insight into the post-death grieving and recovery process, seeing the positives and negatives of both sides of making changes and segueing into a new, modified or different lifestyle and location.

The observation that you can "go into any direction" you want is an insightful one, and something I plan to "add" to my own post death planning. I'm still fighting to get out of the "I have to..." or "I need to..." mode in terms of managing and then wrapping up the Estate.

It's coincident that you posted these observations on a holiday weekend. I was thinking the same thing. Trust and estate work gets set aside today. I'm rereading for the umpteenth time one of my favorite author's books - Peter Mayle, on his transition from England to France. I'll sit back with some lemonade and dream about living in Provence, one of my lifelong dreams.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your journey, today, and life going forward. I think contemplating these options is one of the necessary recovery actions after we lose someone.
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One step and one day at a time, Bloom!
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I hope everyone is doing well. Caregiving and grief is so not easy. I’ve had a few days of the grief rising to the surface unasked again. Sadness. But I bounce back quicker. Time and a lot of reflecting has given me some clarity. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 12 and spent most of her life recovering. So I see now that I’ve kind of been helping her most of my life. Sometimes reluctantly. That’s my biggest regret. I wish I had more awareness and compassion for her, even though I was so young and pretty unaware into my 30s! I had to fend for myself growing up. Parents were not there for me. And the strange thing is they never talked about themselves so I know very little about their growing up years and there parents. So this morning I am more aware that my caregiving days are over and it’s my choice on how to move forward. But at the same time I am finding I’m not ready for change, even so much as moving furniture. So on one I very much want to move to a new nicer location, mountains, streams, nice weather...on the other I find I’m not ready. So I’m staying out another year to work out my feelings and gain more insight into my life and process my moms passing. But as each day passes I realize just a little more that, hey, I can go into any direction I want.
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CDN, 3 deaths in a year is a LOT to deal with. You have some extra challenges to face, so I hope you're being kind to yourself and taking all the time you need.
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Thanks all. I can’t imagine having multiple losses. It was hard enough losing one parent. I have wrestled with my beliefs of life after death and chose to believe in it as it gives me hope. Maybe that belief is silly and not true but I’ve come to the conclusion I need hope and would rather have hope than not have it. Yes it’s difficult to experience all this and really don’t want to go through this again. It’s been a life changing experience and I have a feeling I’ll discover that I have become a different person on some ways. I’m writing this after a sleepless night so maybe I’m rambling on. But I must be evolving into something new as I look back to when my mother was here and that feels like a past life for me. A life that is over and now I’m moving forward into another stage of life and it’s a little scary as I don’t yet know what’s down the road for me.
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for letting us know how are you doing. I find myself in the same boat. Wanting a change of scenery but, I, too have decided to stay put for another year.

Grief is a long journey. It sometimes shocks me that its almost 19 months since my father passed. And since then I've also had to process the loss of my grandmother and aunt. I wish coming to terms with loss was easier.

Glad you are hanging in there. Take care and thanks again for letting us know how are you doing.
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I too am glad to have an update on your journey. I knew months ago that you would find yourself again, not only as you moved forward but as you expanded your journey and experienced new perspectives. And that reconnection with self brings with it new insights and perspectives.

Sometimes I wish I could take a bullet train or something with such high speed that I could quickly journey pass the immediate post death rediscovery, but I also recognize that it's a valuable and probably necessary process of coming to terms with loss.
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Bloom; It's so good to hear from you!

I'm glad that you're making your way one step at a time. It's the only way.

Be well, and let us know how your journey forward progresses.
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