Please Read - I'm Ready to jump off a cliff.

First get the pain under control, even inpatient rehab made sure I had the pain meds before a session. Maybe that's what mom needs; inpatient rehab. Can you make that happen?

How do you contact your mom if she won't answer the phone? Why won't she answer the phone? What pain meds is she taking? Is her doctor aware of the fact that she's in pain?

Yes, her doctor is aware. She went to him because of the pain. He says she has arthritus. She alzo went to a specialist who said she had arthritus and gave her a cordizone shot. Think it was cordosone. It only lasted a few weeks. She says she cant keep gong every few weeks. Too many other doctor appointments and she cant afford it. She can afford it. I think the arthritus is in her arm and maybe
shoulder. Then came lots of added pain. She uses a walker and had to get mamagram. The lady holding her up pulled hard on her shoulders and arms trying to get her in correct positions. The day before she pulleda muscle reaching up to put dishes away. She is 89 and refuses to pay for help even if I help pay. I bought her two moist heating pads on small and one large. She uses them. Doctor said use extra stength Tylenol. She said didnt work. Doctor then said try motron. I told mom totell brother to goget motron. She said she would think about it. I live an hour and a half away. Brother lives in house with her. Doctor wont give prescription pain pills cause of all moms other perscription drugs. She also has stage three kidney disease. Dont know if that has anything to do with being careful on prescription drugs. She is better than she was when she came home from the mamagram.
She calls me everyother day. And inbetween when she needs me to help her take care of something. She was and I guess still is being harassed by a former employee of my fathers. Dad died six years ago. This employee wants money for doctor and hospital bills. He cleaned stain in parking lot of business with something thatgot in his lungs. He keeps calling mom threatening to sue her. I think she was giving him small amounts of money over the years since dad died. Then told him she couldn't anymore. She won't involve police or lawyer. Says he uses other peoples phones sometimes so telephone company cant help. She won't tell me his number or name. I dont think this person would really sue. But moms fears of being sued are realistic. She was sued twice as the owner of dads property since he died. She setteled each time. Brother wont talk to strangers. He wont answer the phone eighter. He has personality disorder.

Barbara

If she won't answer the phone would you consider calling the police and having them do a wellness check. That just might get Mom's attention. How far away do you live?

I live one and a half hours away. It is really one hour if you use the beltway. We live in different counties. But I have anxiety disorder. I learned a way to get ther using regular roads with traffic lights. Just takes me longer to get there.

My brother lives in the house. Idont know if they would do a wellness check. Besides, that would only get mom to lie about how well she can manage. And do nothing. Adult protective services was called out. And did nothing. Cause of brothers excessive temper. Social worker told me they dont do anything unless its an extreme situation.

I think Ididnt understand what you ment. That wouldn't work toget mom to start answering the phone. She is rigid, has anxiety disorder,

Hadnuff, take deep breaths. All this whirlwind about a PT appointment?

But. It is, I agree, symptomatic of the total disorganisation surrounding your mother's care; and there you are trying to deal with it but with no co-operation either from your mother or from your brother, who normally would be best placed to deal with routine appointments because he lives there.

So, what to do. No good calling your mother - she doesn't hear the phone, and your brother doesn't answer it.

Does your brother agree, in principle, that your mother needs this PT? Can you text him, does he have a cellphone? Would he agree to liaise with the PT?

Or, can you arrange to take your mother to the PT's office? That way you make the appointment, you tell your mother when you're collecting her, you're in control. The drawback, of course, is that it means you have to find a minimum of, what, five hours to deal with one appointment - but at least it won't all end up in a b*gger's muddle like this week's has.

The other reason to take charge of it is that, once you have run your therapist to earth, you can make friends with her and work out a better way together to fix appointments and communicate about them.

Don't forget, professionals in this field deal all the time with elders who really are on their own, and who have hearing loss, disabilities, you name it. Where there's a will there's a way, and you should find they'll have ideas that work.

Overall, though, it comes down to this choice for you: *either* take charge of the appointments and do the extra work involved, *or* butt out and leave your mother's GP/PCP to sort out the healthcare he/she has prescribed. Right now you're stuck between the two and getting crushed - not fair on you, and not getting your mother the treatment she needs.

It is a visiting nurse and therapist company. There is no office. And the company wouldnt give me the phone number of the therapist. Hopefully after the first visit things will be easier. And the therapist will give me their number. I hope.

No, brother doesnt have cell phone. And wouldn't comunicate with me if he did.
Mom can hear the phone. She just wont answer it.

If your mother is regularly harassed by people demanding money and threatening lawsuits then I'm not surprised she doesn't enjoy answering the phone. And, by the way, that kind of thing you can report to the police - you don't need her permission to do so. Or, of course, she could change her phone number. In any case, whatever the rights and wrongs of these people's grievances, they have no right to harass an elderly lady in her home.

But again, that is something you either take control of or just live with.

For the rest of today, anyway, please take a break and look after yourself - there's nothing you can do about anything now, and I hate to think of you worrying and upsetting yourself over it. Let's start again in the morning - try to get some sleep?

If she knew it was you on the phone would she pick up? You could subscribe to caller display, or some phone companies can set different rings for family members. You could even work out a code like ring twice, hang up and call again.

I doubt you will get the therapist to give you their number unless they have a phone for work only. Our nurse usually sets up her own appt times the evening before she comes from her personal phone, number blocked of course.

She does the ring three times and hang up with the one person she had to take calls from. I said I can do four rings then call back with two and you would know it was me. No the haraser might do that. Special rings for family. I have to look into that. Never heard of it. She does have callsr ID. Told me she doesnt want to look at it cause if its the haraser it will maks her more upset. She will probly tell me she cant see the phone number on the caller Id or something if I bring it up. She has an answer to everything.

~ Regarding the employee your mother's been paying, she MUST STOP this right away! If he was going to sue her, he would have done it already. Plus once a judge hears that this person has been harassing an elderly widow, taking money over the course of time, he most likely will throw out the case. Maybe even charge him with blackmail. He IS blackmailing her at this point, and like "Countrymouse" said ... You don't need your mother's permission to call the police about this. I would call them immediately!

Can you look into a different PT company? Maybe there is a local place she can go to, and not have to worry about someone calling, setting up appointments, and actually being able to get into the house.

But I agree, you MUST take charge, or everyone is going to walk all over you, and you don't need this added stress. If your mother and brother don't want to answer the phone, stop calling for a week. I'll bet they'll take notice to that, and hopefully they'll make some changes.

Good Luck and God Bless Hadnuff . . .

How realistic is it that your mother will benefit from physical therapy at her age and in her condition when she's not being cooperative? Is there anyway to just provide comfort care for the pain through home health (the agency providing the PT)? There gets to a point in an aging parent's care that trying put one step forward actually puts that person three steps back. And it gets to the point that your mother will need more hands-on-care. Is your brother willing to do this? If you not, are you willing to move to be closer to be with her so you can do these duties for her? You may have to plan now for an assisted-living/group home/nursing home in the future.

sounds very much like my hub's uncle's situation; he was on pain meds but didn't want to take them because of how they made him feel and did him, so he wasn't really able to do his PT, so they eventually quit coming anyway; don't think they can provide just comfort care; think you have to be on hospice for that, which is what they recommended but where doc at least initially was willing to order the PT has not been willing to order hospice, wouldn't even test for heart attack when he fell

Barbara, you really have had enough, haven't you? More than enough, I'd say.

Mother refuses to do sensible things to help herself (like look at caller ID). I don't know what her cognitive abilities are. Perhaps she can't help herself at this point. But I do know this: It is Not Your Fault.

Brother is mentally ill and can barely take care of himself, let alone your mother. Mental illness is cruel, and I feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is just a lazy jerk using his disability as an excuse. I sure don't know. But I do know this, absolutely: It is Not Your Fault.

You have an anxiety disorder. Not Your Fault. You are working hard to compensate for it. Good for you. You love your mother, you understand her disorders and illnesses. You are a compassionate and conscientious person. But you are not SuperWoman and can't take on all the burdens of the world. Or even all the burdens of your family.

I think it is time to acknowledge that the family burdens are not your fault, you are not obligated (or qualified) to fix them, and you need to focus on what you can at least partially fix -- your own health and happiness.

I'm not suggesting that you abandon your mother. Far from it. Do your best for her. But also realize that your best is all you can do. And there is no point in feeling guilty or inadequate when your best is not enough. That is Not Your Fault.

Do your best to get the PT sessions going. If you can't work it out with a reasonable number of phone calls, oh well, she just won't have PT. As someone pointed out, that won't be the end of the world. If you can't persuade her to arrange to get the pain med the doctor recommended, oh well, she'll just be in pain. That is too bad, of course, but you don't have control over her.

Do your best. Stop trying to go beyond that.

Barbara; listen to Jeanne; Your mom is putting you in an impossible bind. "Fix this", she says, "but don't make any part of the fix something that I have to do". You mom wants a fairy godmother, not a human daughter.

You are going to need to say "no" to her. "no mom, I can't do that". You can't communicate with a therapist for her under the rules that she's laid out. "You're going to have to make other arrangements yourself, mom". "Call the doctor mom, perhaps his office staff can help make those arrangements. What you're asking me to do is not possible".

If you believe that someone is blackmailing your mom, indeed, call the police and report that. But perhaps she's become paranoid and delusional?

In any event, you need to protect your own mental health at this point. Again, please understand that you're not being a bad daughter. Your mother is asking something of you that is simply NOT POSSIBLE TO ACCOMPLISH.

Take the advice of Countrymouse: take over or drop it.

You are too far away to manage this. The next step might be AL. Get APS and/or Area Agency on Aging involved.

When the police start banging on the door, your lazy brother will do something. He doesn't sleep all day.

If she quits getting the PT, they will contact her doctor and he'll take it from there; have you been with her to her doctor's appointment?

My mother and brother both can function and think just fine. My brother is lazy and selfish. He does get grocerys and takes her to doctor appointments. Fixes stuff in the house. Stuff like that. There is a real person calling her. But he might not be calling anymore. That started five or six monts ago I think. Mom says the phone rings a lot and that he is still calling. I don't know if she is right or wrong.

I dont have this persons name, address or phone number. And mom says he uses other peoples phone as well as his own to make calls.

Mom thinks the physical therapy might help with her pain. She wanted me to find out before the therapist came if it would. Told me not to hire a therapist if it wouldnt. Told her the therapist cant tell till she sees you. I think occupational therapy might be helpful to mom. And the only way to get her to accept it is if they come in for her pain. Mom is rigid. Always has been.

Barbara

Report the harassment to the police and ask them to visit your mother to discuss it with her. You don't need permission to do that, and it is hard to see how it could have any negative consequences for anyone. The worst that can happen is that the police thank you for your report, visit your mother, and politely decline to take the matter any further if they can find nothing in it. And if your mother sends them away, and gives you a flea in your ear for having talked to them, so what? There's still no harm done.

Other than that, you say your mother - let's leave your brother out of it for the moment - can think and function just fine. Yes? And you go on to say that she is rigid. Then for heaven's sake, let her get on with her life. Be a sounding board, make sympathetic noises, but don't get involved - and especially not when your mother doesn't let you do anything useful. For example, the way to go with the PT and the OT and the pain management could be something like this:

Mother: So you think the physical therapist might help?
You: Yes, I think it would be a good idea to get a consult, anyway.
Mother: Well don't hire one if it won't.
You: No, I won't be hiring one. It will be much better if you arrange it through your doctor's office.
Mother: Oh I don't want to do that.
You: That's a pity. I think it might be helpful. Why not make the call and see what happens?

And round and round and round you go. But the key is the boundary here: you sympathise, you discuss, you share ideas… but you do not *do*. If your mother is in charge, then let her do it.

Well said, Countrymouse!

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Desperately-Need-To-Distance-Myself-Emotionally-From-Mom-How-193884.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-I-deal-wih-mom-193298.htm


https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-separate-myself-from-mom-193087.htm

For kittens sake - enough!!! Your mom is of sound mind. She needs to make some decisions - and not force all of this on you. Do as previous posters have said and set boundaries. She can certainly make the arrangements with PT. Just stop being her whipping post.

Hadnuff; please DON'T go away. We just want you to take care of yourself, understand that this is NOT your fault, and that what your mom is asking of you is NOT humanly possible.

I think perhaps seeing a therapist for validation of both your concerns and techniques for dealing with mom and brother might be in order. NOT because you're crazy, but because they are certainly doing a number on your self-confidence.

I won't go away. Just try not to complain so much. It's just really hard. Dealing with mom. The stress. Trying not too get too hooked into her emotions. Especially now. When she is in a lot of pain. Last night there was a misunderstanding. And she said you dont know how much pain. I got frustrated. And said. What do you want me to do? I could hire a person to help take care of you, but you wont accept that. She says They will only come in one hour a day. I tell her they will stay for several hours. Then she says I can't get up early anymore because I'm up all night going to the bathroom. I tell her she doesn't have to get uo early. Then silence for a minute before she says just make the phone call and see if you can get deposit slips for this account.

Barbara

Hadnuff - I've been following your posts. Something I realized recently - when you are talking with your mom and she is complaining - there are two things you can do. 1) just Listen and let her talk and be sympathetic the other is 2) problem solve.

You might be jumping into problem solving mode when she wants you just to listen - and that is frustrating to you both. My husband and I often ask each other "do you want a shoulder or problem solving" so we can listen and help appropriately.

If she does want problem solving - then she has to help with options - not just say no to everything. You can say "what do you want" (not what do you want ME to do) and "what are you willing to do, mom, to get that done". You can certainly help but don't own the solution - it is up to her.

If she wants you to listen - just do that with patience and love.

Keep us posted. There is nothing harder than watching a situation with a ton of crazy going on and people won't do what seems like logical steps. Then all you can do is love them and make sure they know that you love them.

I actually just did this with mom a few minutrs ago. She called to ask me what the temperature was to day. She needs to go get blood test. Then she went into complaining about the doctors paper for getting the test. Specific day for test. Thats how they do it. When mom tries to tell them she cant always go on specific date. For some reason she sometimes has problems at blood place if she shows up another day. Anyway, I just calmly listened to her complaining. Instead of trying to make suggestions or fix it. Does it count that I have heard this complaint several times before? And the first two times tried to make suggestions?

It is an improvment.

Barbara

Hadnuff,

That is great! That is a step int he right direction and each step is a big accomplishment. It takes YEARS to get this all figured out and to have the self-confidence to detach a bit. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. You will get it!

Hadnuff, way to go! I find that if it is complaining it often is a repeat performance - just wanting to vent. After a while - I might ask my mom "wow, it is so frustrating and sounds like it has been for a while. Is there something you or the doctor office can do to make this better?" sometimes they will surprise you with a good option. Hang in there

~ Hadnuff ~ Good for you! You handled it perfectly ... Hopefully, this will continue to work for you ... and for your mother.