Please Read - I'm Ready to jump off a cliff.

This is ridiculous.

Get her a cellphone and set it to ring & vibrate. Tell her to keep it handy at all times so the therapists can reach her and you won't have to play all this receptionist nonsense. She might be hearing impaired, but when the phone lights up at least she'll know someone's calling.

I'm pretty sure your lounge lizard bro has a cell too. Give his # to the therapist(s). The least he can do is relay a message.

PT has to be prescribed by Mom's primary Dr and approved by medicare or whatever supplementary insurance she may have. A certain number of sessions are authorized and there is usually a co-pay which I feel is too expensive. The PT will assess the patient regularly and decide when they feel enough progress has been made that is possible. PT can be done in the home or at a facility.

wouldn't PT have to go through her doctor anyway?

sorry key guards

I think you might call them key cards and you can buy them on Amazon

I haven't read all the comments so if I am going over old ground please forgive me. We have a key safe on the side of the house. The safe has a 4 digit number lock that I change monthly (sometimes every 8 weeks). I let the agencies and the emergency services know the number so that in the event they are not heard they can actually access the house. That means your Mum doesn't have to get up to answer the door they can knock the door or ring the bell then let themselves in and shout hallo as they do so.

Mom does not want her problems solved, she wants attention. That's why she rejects every possible solution. She also sounds like a die hard cheapskate. You can't fix much of this, so congratulate yourself on every and any little thing you do accomplish here. See if the times you can go over there involve something you can actually enjoy with her - pizza - a movie - reminiscing - whatever.

~ "Veronica91" has a point. I currently wear a Fentynal patch, using Motrin for break through pain. It took a long time, of trying to find the right doctor and the right medication.

I've been using this combination for years. It's wonderful ... I don't get all droopy or tired, like other pain medications do, because the medication is worn and distributed gradually. It works very well ... They can start her on a 25 mcg dose, and work from there.

I would try to speak to your mother's doctor about this. Good Luck!

Mom needs to go to a pain clinic to be assessed and the proper medication prescribed. if she needs narcotics so be it. It really does not matter about addictions if she is genuinely in pain. is she does not reliably take medications she can be prescribed a Fentynal patch which only needs to be changed every 72 hours. She would also be given another pain medication if the Fentynal wore off before the time to put a new patch on came around. The dose of the patch can be adjusted up or down depending on the relief she is getting. Just present it to her as information not a suggestion it is entirely up to her if she does or does not want to experience less pain. Pain is very difficult to assess because everyone experiences and tolerates it differently, but no one should have to endure unecessary pain

~ I want to comment on your Mother's saying, she's in so much pain. I too have issues with pain. Night time, and getting up in the mornings are VERY difficult. Sometimes in the mornings it takes a while to get the basic creaks out of the joints, at this age. But when you have severe pain added to that, it's not easy to get going in the mornings.
Night time can also be a challenge. Laying there, in pain, watching the clock makes it seem like the night will last forever, and makes the pain seem worse.
Please be patient with her ... I know it's not easy, but she is your mother. I lost mine when I was 17 .... What I wouldn't give to be able to take care of her right now.
Just something to think about . . .

~ Hadnuff ~ Good for you! You handled it perfectly ... Hopefully, this will continue to work for you ... and for your mother.

Hadnuff, way to go! I find that if it is complaining it often is a repeat performance - just wanting to vent. After a while - I might ask my mom "wow, it is so frustrating and sounds like it has been for a while. Is there something you or the doctor office can do to make this better?" sometimes they will surprise you with a good option. Hang in there

Hadnuff,

That is great! That is a step int he right direction and each step is a big accomplishment. It takes YEARS to get this all figured out and to have the self-confidence to detach a bit. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. You will get it!

I actually just did this with mom a few minutrs ago. She called to ask me what the temperature was to day. She needs to go get blood test. Then she went into complaining about the doctors paper for getting the test. Specific day for test. Thats how they do it. When mom tries to tell them she cant always go on specific date. For some reason she sometimes has problems at blood place if she shows up another day. Anyway, I just calmly listened to her complaining. Instead of trying to make suggestions or fix it. Does it count that I have heard this complaint several times before? And the first two times tried to make suggestions?

It is an improvment.

Barbara

Hadnuff - I've been following your posts. Something I realized recently - when you are talking with your mom and she is complaining - there are two things you can do. 1) just Listen and let her talk and be sympathetic the other is 2) problem solve.

You might be jumping into problem solving mode when she wants you just to listen - and that is frustrating to you both. My husband and I often ask each other "do you want a shoulder or problem solving" so we can listen and help appropriately.

If she does want problem solving - then she has to help with options - not just say no to everything. You can say "what do you want" (not what do you want ME to do) and "what are you willing to do, mom, to get that done". You can certainly help but don't own the solution - it is up to her.

If she wants you to listen - just do that with patience and love.

Keep us posted. There is nothing harder than watching a situation with a ton of crazy going on and people won't do what seems like logical steps. Then all you can do is love them and make sure they know that you love them.

I won't go away. Just try not to complain so much. It's just really hard. Dealing with mom. The stress. Trying not too get too hooked into her emotions. Especially now. When she is in a lot of pain. Last night there was a misunderstanding. And she said you dont know how much pain. I got frustrated. And said. What do you want me to do? I could hire a person to help take care of you, but you wont accept that. She says They will only come in one hour a day. I tell her they will stay for several hours. Then she says I can't get up early anymore because I'm up all night going to the bathroom. I tell her she doesn't have to get uo early. Then silence for a minute before she says just make the phone call and see if you can get deposit slips for this account.

Barbara

Hadnuff; please DON'T go away. We just want you to take care of yourself, understand that this is NOT your fault, and that what your mom is asking of you is NOT humanly possible.

I think perhaps seeing a therapist for validation of both your concerns and techniques for dealing with mom and brother might be in order. NOT because you're crazy, but because they are certainly doing a number on your self-confidence.

For kittens sake - enough!!! Your mom is of sound mind. She needs to make some decisions - and not force all of this on you. Do as previous posters have said and set boundaries. She can certainly make the arrangements with PT. Just stop being her whipping post.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Desperately-Need-To-Distance-Myself-Emotionally-From-Mom-How-193884.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-I-deal-wih-mom-193298.htm


https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-separate-myself-from-mom-193087.htm

Well said, Countrymouse!

Report the harassment to the police and ask them to visit your mother to discuss it with her. You don't need permission to do that, and it is hard to see how it could have any negative consequences for anyone. The worst that can happen is that the police thank you for your report, visit your mother, and politely decline to take the matter any further if they can find nothing in it. And if your mother sends them away, and gives you a flea in your ear for having talked to them, so what? There's still no harm done.

Other than that, you say your mother - let's leave your brother out of it for the moment - can think and function just fine. Yes? And you go on to say that she is rigid. Then for heaven's sake, let her get on with her life. Be a sounding board, make sympathetic noises, but don't get involved - and especially not when your mother doesn't let you do anything useful. For example, the way to go with the PT and the OT and the pain management could be something like this:

Mother: So you think the physical therapist might help?
You: Yes, I think it would be a good idea to get a consult, anyway.
Mother: Well don't hire one if it won't.
You: No, I won't be hiring one. It will be much better if you arrange it through your doctor's office.
Mother: Oh I don't want to do that.
You: That's a pity. I think it might be helpful. Why not make the call and see what happens?

And round and round and round you go. But the key is the boundary here: you sympathise, you discuss, you share ideas… but you do not *do*. If your mother is in charge, then let her do it.

My mother and brother both can function and think just fine. My brother is lazy and selfish. He does get grocerys and takes her to doctor appointments. Fixes stuff in the house. Stuff like that. There is a real person calling her. But he might not be calling anymore. That started five or six monts ago I think. Mom says the phone rings a lot and that he is still calling. I don't know if she is right or wrong.

I dont have this persons name, address or phone number. And mom says he uses other peoples phone as well as his own to make calls.

Mom thinks the physical therapy might help with her pain. She wanted me to find out before the therapist came if it would. Told me not to hire a therapist if it wouldnt. Told her the therapist cant tell till she sees you. I think occupational therapy might be helpful to mom. And the only way to get her to accept it is if they come in for her pain. Mom is rigid. Always has been.

Barbara

If she quits getting the PT, they will contact her doctor and he'll take it from there; have you been with her to her doctor's appointment?

Take the advice of Countrymouse: take over or drop it.

You are too far away to manage this. The next step might be AL. Get APS and/or Area Agency on Aging involved.

When the police start banging on the door, your lazy brother will do something. He doesn't sleep all day.

Barbara; listen to Jeanne; Your mom is putting you in an impossible bind. "Fix this", she says, "but don't make any part of the fix something that I have to do". You mom wants a fairy godmother, not a human daughter.

You are going to need to say "no" to her. "no mom, I can't do that". You can't communicate with a therapist for her under the rules that she's laid out. "You're going to have to make other arrangements yourself, mom". "Call the doctor mom, perhaps his office staff can help make those arrangements. What you're asking me to do is not possible".

If you believe that someone is blackmailing your mom, indeed, call the police and report that. But perhaps she's become paranoid and delusional?

In any event, you need to protect your own mental health at this point. Again, please understand that you're not being a bad daughter. Your mother is asking something of you that is simply NOT POSSIBLE TO ACCOMPLISH.

Barbara, you really have had enough, haven't you? More than enough, I'd say.

Mother refuses to do sensible things to help herself (like look at caller ID). I don't know what her cognitive abilities are. Perhaps she can't help herself at this point. But I do know this: It is Not Your Fault.

Brother is mentally ill and can barely take care of himself, let alone your mother. Mental illness is cruel, and I feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is just a lazy jerk using his disability as an excuse. I sure don't know. But I do know this, absolutely: It is Not Your Fault.

You have an anxiety disorder. Not Your Fault. You are working hard to compensate for it. Good for you. You love your mother, you understand her disorders and illnesses. You are a compassionate and conscientious person. But you are not SuperWoman and can't take on all the burdens of the world. Or even all the burdens of your family.

I think it is time to acknowledge that the family burdens are not your fault, you are not obligated (or qualified) to fix them, and you need to focus on what you can at least partially fix -- your own health and happiness.

I'm not suggesting that you abandon your mother. Far from it. Do your best for her. But also realize that your best is all you can do. And there is no point in feeling guilty or inadequate when your best is not enough. That is Not Your Fault.

Do your best to get the PT sessions going. If you can't work it out with a reasonable number of phone calls, oh well, she just won't have PT. As someone pointed out, that won't be the end of the world. If you can't persuade her to arrange to get the pain med the doctor recommended, oh well, she'll just be in pain. That is too bad, of course, but you don't have control over her.

Do your best. Stop trying to go beyond that.

sounds very much like my hub's uncle's situation; he was on pain meds but didn't want to take them because of how they made him feel and did him, so he wasn't really able to do his PT, so they eventually quit coming anyway; don't think they can provide just comfort care; think you have to be on hospice for that, which is what they recommended but where doc at least initially was willing to order the PT has not been willing to order hospice, wouldn't even test for heart attack when he fell

How realistic is it that your mother will benefit from physical therapy at her age and in her condition when she's not being cooperative? Is there anyway to just provide comfort care for the pain through home health (the agency providing the PT)? There gets to a point in an aging parent's care that trying put one step forward actually puts that person three steps back. And it gets to the point that your mother will need more hands-on-care. Is your brother willing to do this? If you not, are you willing to move to be closer to be with her so you can do these duties for her? You may have to plan now for an assisted-living/group home/nursing home in the future.

~ Regarding the employee your mother's been paying, she MUST STOP this right away! If he was going to sue her, he would have done it already. Plus once a judge hears that this person has been harassing an elderly widow, taking money over the course of time, he most likely will throw out the case. Maybe even charge him with blackmail. He IS blackmailing her at this point, and like "Countrymouse" said ... You don't need your mother's permission to call the police about this. I would call them immediately!

Can you look into a different PT company? Maybe there is a local place she can go to, and not have to worry about someone calling, setting up appointments, and actually being able to get into the house.

But I agree, you MUST take charge, or everyone is going to walk all over you, and you don't need this added stress. If your mother and brother don't want to answer the phone, stop calling for a week. I'll bet they'll take notice to that, and hopefully they'll make some changes.

Good Luck and God Bless Hadnuff . . .

She does the ring three times and hang up with the one person she had to take calls from. I said I can do four rings then call back with two and you would know it was me. No the haraser might do that. Special rings for family. I have to look into that. Never heard of it. She does have callsr ID. Told me she doesnt want to look at it cause if its the haraser it will maks her more upset. She will probly tell me she cant see the phone number on the caller Id or something if I bring it up. She has an answer to everything.