Questioning my ability to put myself in his reality...

This post reminded me to really try to be more patient with my DH. He had a liver transplant 12 years ago--and although he lived, he's never been the same. Deep, deep depression has been our constant companion since. 2 weeks ago he had a massive heart attack---and wow, although I truly did not think he could sink more deeply into the darkness, he has found a way. And I don't see a way out of this. No meds seems to help, him, he is non compliant in his own care....and I find that my own natural empathy is on high alert and I am so anxious I could chew nails.

Haven't settled into any kind of a routine, post h/a. He just sleeps and sleeps. 100% against what his cardio doc wants. If I say ANYTHING about ANYTHING he shuts me down with a sarcastic, mean comment. I inquired if he'd attempted any of the list of things that the drs have ordered and his response is the same "I'm just so very, very sick, you don't KNOW what this feels like". True, I don't, but his dr saw him on Tues and was shocked the guy hadn't gone back to work, even PT.

We've been on the merry go round for 12 year. He's only 66. I am so tired. YES, he can still work FT and that's right where he should be.

Thank GOD for my therapist. And this board. I am sitting right on the fence of "stay with him" and "leave and have a life". It's awful, to feel this way, every day, every second. He never, ever thanks me. He never says he loves me. He just lays in bed and groans.

I can't give him more love, I don't HAVE any more to give him. Plus which, he does not care.

Dear She - everyone has responded with wisdom. It sounds like you cope well most of the time and this happens to be a particularly difficult moment when your emotional and physical reserves have been overtaxed (along w your husband’s). Very natural. Like others, I wonder if you schedule a regular time to “be heard.” I talk to a therapist regularly who also took care of her mother w dementia. These sessions are very helpful for me to get out what I’m feeling with an empathetic person who knows how to listen. Your heart is in the right place - give yourself as much love as you do your husband. Stay strong

This sounds so familiar. I also get tired, cranky, frustrated, angry. It's so difficult to cope with my husband's numerous questions about who I am, where is my wife, what is your name and having to listen to the same questions daily while taking care of his medical needs, bodily functions, shopping, cleaning the house, paying the bills, etc. Each day there is a new challenge to face and coping with his deterioration is hard but I keep telling myself that there isn't anything that I can't do. That attitude over rides giving up and although I don't have my "partner" here anymore to laugh with or share special moments that we once had, I'll cope until the end.

We are only human. That’s it. I think we all try to maintain a constant, cheerful attitude. And then there is the unthinkable: either major with blood and feces or just plain irritating like a facial expression or wacky request. I handle the major stuff and then the turning off the air conditioner when the outside temp is 100 drives me nasty. I hide the remote to it, and somehow, someway my 96 year old mother can find the off button, turn off all ceiling fans, close purposely open doors and be back in her couch spot to watch Perry Mason reruns in the time it takes me to use the bathroom.

I just convinced myself that my joining my mom's view of reality was like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Now all I need is the Tooth Fairy with some money under my pillow, since, as we all know, caring for someone with Alzheimer's can be an expense, either when hiring someone to be with them, quitting working yourself, etc. When all else failed, I'd pretend that I either heard the phone or needed to make a call. A phone-y excuse, I know, but it allowed me to regroup and recoup.

How to balance empathy with personal shields of sanity … it is no easy feat. Maybe you could have a mantra or song to cling to. What come to mind for me is the song: "Mama said there'd be days like this."

We all have days like that. My mom is only mean to me, when my brother is around shes an angel. Pray,forgive and move on. Hugs and kisses. If God didnt know we could handle this, he would not have given it to us. Love ya.

Dear She,

**Hugs!***

You don't need to question yourself. The fact that you are trying to be pleasant, patient and not cranky shows that you love him and wish to do more for him. But all of us are human. We have good days and bad days. We all get tired from time to time. No need to be hard on yourself. Try to get some respite and recharge yourself.

Don't forget it was a long trying day for you as well. You are only human and your husband knows what a trial this is. I bet if he could talk to you he would say, "Stop being so hard on yourself, I love you and appreciate everything you do for me, you show me a thousand times a day how much you love me, I am a blessed man!"

Give yourself more grace, you are longing to be heard as well. HUGS & STRENGTH 2U!

Dear She1934,

I know its really hard. Even the most patient person can feel worn down. I hope a trusted friend or family member can give you some respite.

I tried to be as empathetic as I can be most days, but sometimes the pressure and daily routine does take its toll.

We all know you are doing everything you can.

Sending you hugs.

I was just thinking this very thing this afternoon and I guess I look at putting mymyself in my mils shoes. I can't and won't do it , not because I can't do it or because I don't want to . But because I ddon't think either of us is ready for that or maybe I am already there ?

She, don’t ever beat yourself up or call yourself a failure. We do the best we can. My husband does not have dementia but he is bedridden and I do everything for him but feed him. I get angry, I get tired and I get depressed. We all do. I call my husband “The Minister of Silly Noises” because it’s almost like he has Tourette’s. I desperately wish we were one of those Senior couples they show on television. Active, nice house and clothes, joyful, social...but it’s not in the cards for us.

Saturday was a long day for you. And for him. He was overstimulated and over tired. That happens with me when I try to get hubby out of bed, into his wheelchair and into the car. I have a lift but it’s not electric and he’s over 300 lbs. Last time his power chair would not go back up the ramp. I had to push him and the 400 lb. chair UP the ramp. He was borderline  hysterical and so was I. I was bruised and sore. And boy, was I cranky on Monday.

You are doing the best you can. You care for your husband, keep him fed, clean and safe and as happy and content as possible. This is a nasty, horrible and unforgiving disease for all involved. We all wonder what we ever did to deserve it.

Make sure you take “me time” when you can. Right now, after a really tough day that started at 5:30AM, Hubby is asleep and I am on my iPad. This is my me-time.

Come back often for hugs and support. ❤️

You do love him, and that will help him feel loved.

Having some respite can help your attitude. My husband bowled with a senior league. A neighbor picked him up and returned him. That one morning a week to myself was very helpful in extending my patience! Arrange some breaks for yourself!

My husband was very aware that he had dementia. We called it Lewy, since it was Lewy Body Dementia. It was helpful to be able to say, "Oh honey, I'm sorry I was so crabby with you before dinner. I wasn't really mad at you. I was mad at Lewy! I love you very much and just wish Lewy would leave us alone."

It isn't fair that the bright, funny, capable man you married is no longer there for you! Of course it is not his fault. But you'd have to be superhuman not to resent it sometimes!

Another thing that helped me a lot was belonging to a support group of other caregivers.

She, come here and vent, if it helps. Many of us have been in your shoes.