I have been faithful (not perfect), but faithful my whole life. My Dad is a pastor and so was my Grandpa. I just don't understand why God is keeping my Grandma here! She is 94. That is too old. She is confused, tired, frustrated with her body, incontinent, her teeth are literally falling out of her head, she can barely walk anymore, she is tethered to her oxygen tank and even sleeping makes her tired. She cries a lot. Sometimes because she can't remember something, sometimes because she can't remember what it was she couldn't remember, sometimes because the sky is blue. Her quality of life is crappy. And ours has really gone downhill since we moved her in with us. There is not much peace. She is very uncomfortable and needs us all to know. There is much moaning and groaning and "oh I cant's". If we ignore it then she fakes an "attack". I realized yesterday she was faking a big one when I left her for a second to get the phone (she wanted me to call an ambulance) and when I walked up behind her I saw her petting the kitty and acting totally fine. Then when she saw me she was dying again. Her pre-Dementia self would have been mortified with this behavior. She is just not herself. It feels mean. Like God is punishing her. She is ready to go. We are all prepared. We will miss her but to be honest we miss her already.
Just needed to vent. I can't say these things out loud.