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Carla, well said, especially the comments about the medical (research) field finding ways to extend but not supporting older lives, and even more so about what I consider to be the somewhat nonsensical and tabloid style approach of AARP, especially the magazine which I spend about 5 minutes on, only to see if at last there is something worthwhile.

In fact, why don't we use this thread as a brainstorming thread? Glad I'm Here mentioned sometime ago organizations that were addressing peripheral issues. That's a possibility.

Lobbying, especially with an election year approaching, is another possibility, although I've been through that decades ago and it takes a lot of effort and flexibility as well as time that some caregivers don't have.

I like the idea of seminars, beginning with hospitals, which have the space and resources to host them. The hospital we use used to have annual presentations on cancer, with speakers from the hospital as well as outside sources. It was very helpful, sometimes enlightening. Held in October at a local country club, the scene was perfect for discussions on something as unsettling as cancer. It was a very peaceful setting, soothing to enter and soothing to leave the area, especially after some of the topics discussed.

Sloan Kettering Memorial might be a good national hospital to support and/or lead an effort.

So, who would be the beneficiaries besides caregivers? That I think would be where to start lobbying, at a grass roots level. Nursing homes, AL, IL, SNFs, retirement communities, etc. - for elders. Could we contact corporate offices of some of the national ones, such as Sunrise and Heartland? I guess the question is who besides caregivers has the most to gain, to lend support to this kind of enlightening movement?

And what about for caregivers? Who stands to benefit from assisting us?

I'd like to see some more posts on this. Let's put our heads together and see what we can come up.
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FF, I see this scenario playing out between my sister and her husband as well, what she wants for the future is to be in the city close to healthcare, transit and family, what he dreams of is moving farther out into the country. She will either have to give in to him (yet again) or make the move on her own, so for now she is paralyzed with indecision. Since I am single I am better off as I will only have to please myself.
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I grew up in my early years living with my grandparents and great grandparents in the same house. None of them had to go into a facility, but they also never had dementia or stroke. To me, many families would welcome a senior parent living with them in their golden years if they had their mobility and were not suffering with dementia. Those issues make it very difficult to manage in the home. In the 60's, there didn't seem to be so many people with dementia.

I would never want my family to feel obligated to manage me in their home if I had dementia or had poor mobility, that made it dangerous for me to be left alone. It's just not fair. I think I have at 20 more years to make my arrangements, but I'm already looking at the type of places I intend to go, if I have to. And I'll put it in writing, along with my DPOA and HCPOA.
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FF, has SO ever been a football player? If so, you might want to point out some of the articles addressing research on the brain damage done by concussive activity of football head injuries. If he was a player and had concussions, he may very well need someone to take care of him in the future.
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I agree with you, Nojoy, but I would take it a step further. We need to start discussing this issue as a society, not just within individual families. Many families are not close or cohesive enough to agree on a workable solution, and many simply don't have a workable solution available to them.

I believe our society created the monster we're currently dealing with, by providing so much medical care to extend lives and so little to improve mobility and function in later life, or to support those who outlive their mobility and function. Medicine allows people to live for years or decades in a slow decline instead of dying quickly of heart attacks, strokes, or infectious diseases. I doubt families are every really prepared for what that extended decline will mean for them.

There needs to be a plan for all these impaired elderly people, so that those of us who don't have families (children) are not left to fend for ourselves in old age, and so family members are not stuck in the trap so many of us are stuck in now. I would like AARP to spearhead a discussion about this, instead of telling me all about exotic travel destinations and how to improve my sex life after menopause.
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I am trying to think ahead for myself. I want to downsize and move into a retirement community that has tiers of care. My sig other wants no part of that, so I guess I will go by myself. We both are pushing 70. I have no children so I want to be somewhere where I can make new BFF and we can watch out for each other.

Sig other will buy a house up north near his children and they will be the caregivers, even though he said he would never have them do that. He just doesn't understand that will happen. I tried to get him to read this website to get an idea of his own future, but since it isn't football related he has no interest :P
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What to do with the elderly when they are no longer productive to their society is a question cultures have wrestled with since the beginning of time. And, I don't think the answer is as simple as you have portrayed it. Yes, our family culture has changed. But just taking Mom and Dad in to live with you isn't an adequate answer.
How many of us until faced with caring for an elderly parent had ever even considered what all was involved. For example: the cost, the duration, the mental, physical and financial toll it would take on a family caregiver. Getting old is not something our society encourages one to think about. But, it happens. Maybe we need to take the subject out of the closet and start talking about it more openly with our families. Maybe we as elders or near elders need to be more realistic about getting old. I can think of no group more aware of their own mortality or of growing old than those of us who are caregivers for our own aged parents. I strongly suggest you read the posts on the site mentioned by GardenArtist.
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Well, I am old (78) and I have no interest in living with my kids, and I am sure the feeling is mutual. We love one another dearly, but... I would rather be independent. When the time comes that I need more help, I will rely on others largely. I have planned for my retirement and old age - financially anyway. Some things you cannot plan for. Eat right, exercise and still you die as they say, or get sick. It comes with the territory of aging, no matter how well you plan.

I did not plan on being a caregiver at this age, but I am. Yes, the ball game has changed with people living longer. Seniors are looking after seniors, and it is not easy - even as a distance caregiver. My health has suffered from the stress though I do bounce back eventually. Soon I will be looking at a senior's complex with everything from bungalows with services to long term nursing care. The bungalows have room for visitors. My kids and grandkids can come and stay with me - for a short while.
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Even though I've never watched the Waltons, I think that show as well as the one about Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and similar shows of that era reflected an idealized vision of family life. And one centered about the home with the traditional male head of household, female staying at home to cook, clean and raise the kids, and 2.0 children.

Today we have the so-called reality shows, including Kardashians, Ducks, Honey Boo-Boo and others of that ilk, reflecting apparently the need for people to be frank, blunt, low class and vulgar.

I'm aware there are other shows, maybe some family, but they aren't even on my radar so I couldn't name or compare them. And they don't garner the publicity that the "reality" shows do.

I don't really know how the transition from idealized to blunt and tell-it-all shows evolved. Maybe the idealized Waltons were in fact better shows than the garbage on some of these contemporary shows.

I think the bottom line is that people are in fact living longer, modes of addressing this are still evolving, and in the meantime, there are tremendous social, economic, legal, financial, medical and family relationships changing as a result of increased longevity.
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I started remembering Spencer's Mountain when I read the review. It was a pretty good show, though I remembered being distressed at the fate of the "dream home" in the movie. Even when I was a kid I thought it was an over-reaction, though it was very theatrical.
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JessieBelle, thanks for the information on the Waltons.... I never watched the show but heard about bits and pieces. The links were interesting :)
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I am learning all types of things reading. The Waltons is based on the old movie Spencer's Mountain that was written by Earl Hamner based on his childhood. Hamner wrote for movies and TV. What do you call that? Screen play writing? Anyway, it said Spencer's Mountain was based on his childhood in VA, but I don't know if that means it was true. It makes me want to watch the old movie again. I can't remember what it is even about, it has been so long.
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Oh, no! The life of the Hamners was totally different than shown on TV. There was animosity with one set of grandparents. And I don't see anything about any grandparents living with them. What? I'm not going to tell my mother it's all a fraud. She would be devastated.

http://www.earlhamner.com/about.html
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I know the link won't stand long, but here are the real Waltons, AKA Hamners. You can see they aren't like the TV Waltons at all.

http://www.the-waltons.com/hamner.html
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Great discussion, but screw the Waltons! Such Hollywood crap......FF is right. We are all living tooooo long. My God, I'm only 60 and I'm starting to wonder if I'll outlive my parents! This is what my mother told me about how old, dying folks were care for in the depression:

They were put in the basement, attic, shed, etc, given water and food if they would accept it, "Turned" a couple times a day, and pretty much let nature take its course. There were the drugs of those days, mostly moonshine in some tea with honey, and it was just seat of the pants hospice before anyone had ever heard that term. People in the 30s lived to be 60. Maybe. Now....God help us, 90s or 103?

Hereforyou, I don't write this as a rebuke to your post. Just commenting. This is a good discussion. Thanks for posing the question.
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Oh, I understand what you mean now. About half the people in this group have parents living with them. I guess you can say we are the modern Waltons.
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This is hereforyou...I wasn't talking about seniors who are infirm or chronically ill. I was talking about seniors just old and alone who would rather be with their families. The Waltons was a true story all about the authors family. They did actually live all together and by his account, got along well. The grandparents were older than their "60's" while still living with them. I personally know of a husband and wife In their 70's living with their daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren by choice and are happy with it. Many more families did this even 50 yrs ago. Today our culture is different, but many seniors would prefer to be with family -- not all single seniors today prefer to live alone in a Condo.
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Carla, you are so right about how our elders will hang onto that home and refuse anyone coming in to help. I was dealing with that with my own parents... no way, no how were they going to move to a retirement village even if it did look like a 5 star resort.... and no way, no how could I hire caregivers to come in to help, Mom chased them out after 3 days.... [sigh]. Dad kept saying "we will manage".

A decade ago my Dad said he didn't think he and Mom would live this long.
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And I think grandpa and grandma Walton were in their 60's .. not 80's and 90's. Makes a HUGE difference.
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The biggest change to our culture came from the establishment of Social Security in the 1940's. When elders finally had the option to live alone, most chose to do so rather than move in with their children. This is historical fact, established by demographic research. This changes when people become so old and infirm that they can no longer take care of themselves. Even then, most still choose to live alone; they'd rather keep their space and privacy and let the help come to them. This stage of dependency and infirmity rarely occurred in prior generations and, when it did occur, rarely lasted for years and decades as it does now. This makes caring for them at home, either their own or a grown child's, very difficult, stressful, expensive and exhausting.

I love the example of the Waltons. They had one doctor between them and he made house calls. The grandparents were both sound of mind and body, even able to help around the house and farm. (At least as I remember it) Nothing like the elderly parents most of us (caregivers) are dealing with.

I love
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Even the other families on the show didn't live like the Waltons if I remember correctly. There was a boarding house for older ladies, old Maude lived alone, the Baldwin sisters just had each other, and I don't remember any of the other characters even mentioning their parents. And didn't Grandma spend months in the hospital and only get to come home because Mary Ellen was a nurse?
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Oh, I take that back. My great grandmother had a stroke and lay in bed unconscious the last days of her life. My mother told me how they cut a hole in the mattress and put a pot under the bed. They didn't have Depends or hospice back then. She never regained consciousness and died a few days after the stroke.
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I gave it some thought and really don't know any families who lived like the Waltons. We are deep South. My mother's family is rural. All of her ancestors died in their 60-70s and never required any caregiving to speak of. My mother at 89 is now the oldest person who has lived in the history of her family.
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Hereforyou, I don't think culture has really changed but illnesses have. What use to cause the passing of one's parent in their 60's and 70's doesn't happen that often any more, thus our parents are living into their 80's, 90's and 100's.

And what happens is the grown child who use to be able to help care for a parent is now an elder themselves. I am pushing 70, there is no way I could physically care for both my parents who are in their mid-90's. Huge difference being 40 year old and caring compared to being in your 60's and 70's. Age decline is now upon us, and we, ourselves, are now fall risk. Who is going to pick ME up???
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-has-caregiving-changed-your-views-of-life-186127.htm

There are a lot of good thoughts expressed on this thread about caregivers aging and how it's changed perspectives.
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There have been a lot of threads dealing with how we caregivers are preparing for our own old age. Many of us are single or childless, so relying on family has never been an option, but most of those with children are doing everything possible to ensure their own family doesn't have to shoulder the burden of elder care.

BTW, the Walton's may have been the reality in some families but not in ours. Most of my ancestors go off the boat in the 1850s, so they left their elders behind. Many in the next generations died young; in childbirth, in the bush cutting wood, of disease. Widowed men often married a younger wife so she could care for him in his old age. My great grandmother was sent to live with a family in her childhood to help care for the old aunties... she got the last laugh there as she eventually married the son of the family. In her old age all the family strays, old unmarried bachelor aunties and uncles, lived together. I think we should avoid over romanticizing the past, even those who did live in multi generational families like Walton's didn't always get along together.
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