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My mother has advanced frontotemporal dementia and is a resident of a memory care unit. She broke her hip in a fall 4 weeks ago. Surgery was successful, as was her rehab. But I honestly regret having her hip fixed.


Why? Because she won't sit the hell still. She's fallen four times since completing rehab. She bolts up out of her wheelchair and falls forward before staff can get to her. Or, she gets out of her bed. Every single we time we hold our breath and hope she's ok and, fortunately, her last three falls she has been okay.


But tonight turned out differently. She has left hip pain. The hip that was operated on. The memory care unit just called me to say they're sending her to the hospital. In the middle of a damn pandemic.


I get it, they need to treat her. But Jeebus Christmas. We live in Massachusetts. 4th largest infection rate in the country. And if that wasn't bad enough, we're in the county that has the most infections out of any other county in the state. I have asthma and am high risk. Earlier this week, the last time she fell, I told the head nurse at memory care that I know mom is difficult to manage but they need to do something because it's going to be a very bad situation if she needs to go to a hospital.


I asked if she could be sedated heavily or restrained. No. They can't do that. So here we are.


Deep down I know this isn't mom's fault. But after a half dozen incidents of this over the past couple months, a hospitalization, a risk surgery, and now this, I want to shake her and scream at her to just sit still, for Christ's sake - she's risking everyone's damn health!


My husband is offering to go to the hospital in my place but he's not her health care proxy. And honestly, he could bring the virus into the house just as easily as anyone else. Guys, I could cry. I don't want to jeopardize my family's health for this. I just don't.

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Oh, you have all my empathy, and more.
Sometimes I feel like shaking my mom in the very same way, I'm trying the impossible to stay calm and protect her during this extremely difficult time for everybody, and she seems to do the opposite of what I tell her, putting both of us at risk. As you say, I know it's not her fault, but it's your survival instinct to kick in... we are at risk too, not just them! So you have every right to feel like you are feeling and I truly, truly know how frustrated and hopeless you must feel right now. I'm so sorry you must go through this right now.

But pamzimmrrt is giving you a very good angle; she's there already, and after all she's in the best place to be treated if something else happens. I don't know if I would be able to leave her there without visiting, but it is certainly the most sensible thing to do; how about hiring a social worker who goes there anyway, or ask a volunteer and give them a tablet where she can see you via skype? ... I know it sounds selfish, but selfish is what will protect her also her in the future.
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I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. You may be doing all that you possibly can at this time. It’s tough on everyone right now. You have additional stress. I’m so very sorry about your frustration in dealing with this trying situation. Let the hospital deal with your mom at this time. You can’t risk bringing the virus to her or bring it back home to you.

All the best.
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Do not go to the ER.

You need to take care of your health. Think about it, if you lived across the country, you would not be there, you have to think abut your health. It has to be your focus.

I have been reading and listening to the updates on how Corvid-19 effects different people and it looks like Asthma is not as bad a diabetes, HBP or smoking, but it still is a concern. My DD is asthmatic and works in a pharmacy, so I worry about her.
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Where is it written that we as family must be at the E.R.?
They can talk to you on the phone, treat her in person.

Someone can go to pick her up maybe. Not you, not hubs.

So hard, I hear you! The preventative measures will be grueling, and may seem cruel or heartless.

Hang in there, after your cry.
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Then don't ,, she will be in the hospital,, I know that is scarey right now,, but its the best place to be IF she gets something, and it appears that MC and homes are hotbeds right now. So if she appears to be infected on top of the fall, they will treat her. You can call and check on her.. you really don't have to BE there. And I assure you the hospitals are trying to be on top of this, and if they can and she is not infected they will send her back promptly,, the hospital beds are going to be needed for the infux of pts we expect . And when / if she goes back to MC,, you will likely find they will go into lock down ( ours in MD are) so you will not be able to visit and bring something home. I know how scarey this is,, but they will do their best
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