Neither my father or mother have the skills to manager their money any longer. I set up an Irrevocable Trust under the our last name. However I was unaware that they will have to go through me to get money from their savings. They don't normally take money from the savings but my father wants complete control over his money. He can't even find the check book, moms wallets been missing now for a week. They called me this week because they didn't know which mail were bills and which were junk mail. So they wanted to send all of it to me to go over, I sat on the phone with my mother for an hour telling her what to through out. They can't find their behind with both hands yet dad wants to manage his own money! I'm trying to protect them from losing their house savings and they are keeping to much money in the check it needs to be transferred to the trust. Dad is already so angry at me he said it's his name money he's going to the bank and take it all out so I can't touch it. I warned him if he closes his checking account all of this pension check are deposited there and he will have a huge mess, which actually will be my mess to fix! I ask him about a 500.00 check he wrote to cash he didn't remember writing that check, doesn't know where that money is either. He told me not to move his money into the saving trust or I'd be in trouble. He was going to get a plane and fly down her to tell the attorney off who set up the trust. My dad is gone off the deep end. I've spoken to the agency about the missing wallet in a non accusatory manner. However she needs to go mom and dad are chronic complainers who wouldn't be in their stage of life, but it again is messing me up. I hate having to fight their battles with creditors, with my dad, they have know idea what they've done to themselves. It's going to get worse I've been told when he finds this all out, I tried to explain all of it to him but he can't grasp it. He still things he can go back to work as an investigator, he's getting worse he felt cut hurt himself the other day found that out from the care agency, and mother isn't eating. We are trying to get more help in to make them comfortable at home to move them to assisted living would be a nightmare for me, them the staff with my dads personality. So anyone have any thoughts on what do I tell him to calm him down you can't reason with dementia!

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I suspect the nurse's aide might be innocent. Many times a person with dementia wants to hide things to keep them from being lost or taken. The trouble is that they hide them so well that they can't find them themselves. Around here, misplaced articles show up eventually, sometimes in the strangest places. (I am still wondering where the light bulbs are. My mother removed them from the lamps and I haven't found them yet. She had a dream about exploding light bulbs that she thought was real and it went from there.)

JessieBelle, and Jimx4740, You're both right it's not going to be easy it hasn't been easy, I'm tried of being the bad guy getting verbal beaten up almost every conversation. Doesn't matter what I say how I say it, when I say it, how many times I say it. I reassured them always I have their best interest at heart I'm protecting them. Now I'm got to decide what is going to be done about the wallet. I was surprised that the nurses aid when my father let her know the wallet was missing she only said she didn't know where it was. Why didn't she offer to help them look for it. But it's always going to be easy to blame the dementia patient and that is unfair as well! Thanks for your input!

You're right, you can't reason with them, and "force" doesn't work either. I hope he forgets he was planning to make the trip, but no such luck.

Maybe divert him by asking for instructions and telling him you'll do just what he asked. Then don't do it, just do what's sensible.

Try not to ask him why he wrote that check. Ask if he made a note in the checkbook register, and if he didn't, let it go. Don't do things to remind him of his memory problems.

Pour on sympathy. "You really hate having me do things for you, don't you. You know just how you want it done. I wish you could do it your way, but I'll try to do my best to do what you want."

Remember that behind the anger is sadness and fear. He is driving you crazy, but he's driving himself crazier.

Do the best you can, and bless you all.

No advice here, zoolife, but I know what you're talking about. Everything would be so much easier if it wasn't a constant battle. We want to do what is right by them, but we end up being seen as the bad guy. It can be exasperating. I realize how hard it is to lose control over such large parts of life, so I empathize with elderly people who are losing control. Wouldn't it be nice if they would realize we are only trying to help, instead of seeing us as Devil spawn bent on robbing them of their freedom?

You have to do what you know is right, given the situation. I know you are in for some anger and bullying. I hope it doesn't cause too great a rift. Perhaps you can act like victim of the trust and talk to him about how you can work together if he needs money. There has to be a way to get him on your side, even if it is only temporary each time.

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