Preparing the way.
"Failure to thrive" is such a hard label, but it is likely the one that will be associated with my sweet 88-yr-old dad when the end comes. Malnutrition and dehydration have been weakening him for months alongside a couple of conditions and his motivation to change things has been waning steadily. Both the hospice nurse and the social worker visited today, and based on that and the various factors you look at during end-of-life, we could be in the days-to-weeks zone with greater likelihood on the days side. Ooof. Typing that felt a little too real. So did the turtorial on the oxygen machine earlier this week. Never again, thank you very much. 🙁
I know in my bones I have done everything possible to support Dad in a different outcome before he decided to step off of the medical merry-go-round. I also know for sure I've done all I can to support him and help prepare the way since his decision day earlier this month. Part of me feels surprisingly serene and very well supported. And yet...the only kid/Daddy's girl in me so wishes this was like that shower scene in Dallas (if you know you know) and allll of this has been a dream. If only.
One victory in this is that Dad has been able to make his own decision. Another is that he's at home and will stay here to the end. After multiple hospitalizations and SNF/rehab stays between June and December, I'm claiming that victory for both of us. He's banking some quality rest time in his favorite recliner in front of his own TV, with his bird feeder in sight just outside. It brings me a little joy to witness that. I also like thinking about the huge grin and hug that awaits him when he joins my mom and other beloveds who have gone before.
Does self-doubt still creep in with some "In only..."? Yep. But only a little now, thankfully. My friends, faith community, and social worker/other supports are working for me. I'm a little nervous about the last hours and how that will feel, though...feels like sort of the last piece to put in place for myself if I want someone here with me besides hospice. Grateful I have some amazing friends (including pastors) who will come if I decide I want that.
For those of you who have been present for your loved one's final hours and passing, what is one thing that most supported you during that experience? Would love to know. Thanks for sharing. #Daddysgirl #solocaregiver #love #respect #ease
But I was very close to him. Watching him die from Parkinson's disease was so hard--and yet, believing in eternal life with our LO's made that transition so sweet.
My faith supported me. And still does.
I lost mom about 16 months ago. She went quietly, peacefully and we all rejoiced in that.
I think I learned that being on good terms with people makes their passing easier. I'm watching my DH and his sibs literally fighting their VERY difficult mother to get her into an ALF. Sadly, there will be no sadness when she dies. They are all exhausted and angry and it's a mess. Not one of them is on good terms with her, and she will die with that as her legacy.
The gift you are giving your daddy--will comfort you for all the years to come. It is hard, I won't lie, but in the end--it can be sweet, it can actually be joyful as your LO moves on.
Be gentle with yourself. We never felt the need to say 'of only' this or that. We gave both daddy & mom the best care we could. No regrets.
((Hugs))
I hope you find peace.
My mother was on hospice and I knew the end was near. It came sooner than expected. Two days before she passed I told her I loved her and kissed her. I had planned to be there every day but that was not to be. It likely was what she preferred.
In the end with both I have to tell myself I did my best. My mother had frustrated me at various points in our lives and I wasn't always as patient as I now sometimes I wish I could have been. I am sorry she had to suffer towards the end. She certainly didn't deserve that and there were situations that became out of my con
Trusting in a resurrection to a cleansed world free of everything that makes living such a challenge now helped me think of my dad laughing, happy, and whole; of him and his buddy gleefully eating all the things their mean families wouldn't let them have (LOL); and enjoying all the music in the world. He would sleep, and feel SO much better when he awoke. And, as an Air Force brat, I'm used to him being away for long stretches of time. So Daddy's would go TDY (tour of duty) again but, like always, he'd be back.
That outlook held true afterwards; and there was such a feeling of peace that morning when we walked into his room. My main thought was that he was free of the pain and all the indignities that had been heaped upon on him. There are, of course, moments of missing him intensely but the hope carries me through.
I'm so happy for you and your dad that he can be home. That alone is great reason for peace of heart.
My mom would always comment that Dad slept better when I was in the house (like visiting them, or then when helping with caring for her). I can tell that now, too. The paid caregivers are gone for the week until tomorrow night. Just us in the house, and it is peaceful as can be. Grateful for a quiet night.
Thanks again for sharing your experience with me.
I spent lots of time with my parents throughout my life. They knew how much I loved them.
Some people truly desire to be there for their parents at the very end and others don’t.
If it’s important for you to be there at the end, then I hope that it works out that way for you.
Very often a person dies after you leave the room. If this occurs, please don’t feel badly.
Take comfort in knowing that your dad is aware of your love. Your father’s memories will live in your heart forever.
Wishing you peace as you go through difficult time.