Five years ago on this date my precious mom passed away.


Sometimes I advise people here that it will always hurt, but not as much. I am learning, though, that one never knows when the pain of loss is going to be there. A lot of you today are beside your moms as they are at death's door. My heart is with all of you. Some of you know that your moms' deaths are in the near future and wonder how you will possibly live without her. Some are like I am. You have learned that you never know when the arrow in your heart is going to hit and you would give anything for just one more minute with your mom. The first year, I couldn't mourn, because hubby and I were having a bad time due to the time I had spent with mom for the prior 6 years and ignored him. The next year, it hit me on mom's birthday. The next two years it was on my birthday. I thought things were OK now because I can see something of hers and smile or remember something we shared and laugh. This year, for the first time, the anniversary of her death is the most difficult time for me. I want to sit quietly and reminisce about the times we sat in her room and sang gospel songs along to the CDs. The last day mom couldn't talk, but she could hear! So, talk to them! I said something about mom's dry lips and told her I was going to put chap stick on them. She moved her lips as we ladies do when applying lipstick or gloss! So, I read some of our favorite things to her, played the songs we loved, and talked about anything that came to mind. I held her hands and told her how much I loved her. When the Hospice nurse gave me the look, I told mom if she could see people I couldn't and she was ready to join them, it was OK with me. I would miss her, but I knew she was ready to go. Then, her one concern was leaving her only child alone, so I assured her that she and dad had given me all the tools with which to make a good life; and, I appreciated them. I told her I might not have family, but I had hubby and friends who were as close as family. I assured her I would be OK and not to worry about me. I had gotten the last word out, then mom took one more breath and her spirit was on its way! Looking back, it was actually beautiful.

The nurse said she had seen it happen time after time, that patients wait for a loved one to give them permission to go and to reassure them that things would be OK after they left. She said I had told mom just the right things, and that's what mom wanted to hear. I suppose I never will know which holiday or which day I just get up without expecting it, the pain will return and I will miss her. On the other hand, however, I was given a gift by being there for the last few days 24/7, while she was able to talk with me, and on the last day when we said our last farewell. I like to think of her as healthy, happy, and maybe even driving her red car around Heaven. She has forgiven me for selling it now. She promised to be waiting on the other side of Jordan for me, so if I am fortunate enough to go where she is, she will be there to meet me. If anyone can, I know my mom will do it!

My friends, don't fret about what might have been in the past. Enjoy the good memories if there are any. If there aren't any, let the past go. If you have your moms today, be thankful and enjoy every moment. You are making memories, whether happy or not; you will remember these days and wish you could call them back. And, for daughters who thought the pain was diminishing and would eventually end, it is not so. So, be prepared and make some quiet time to spent with just you and mom. No matter what, we only have one mom.

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Thank you for your comments, and I am glad if something I said helps you along your way. I debated about posting it. I am more prone to answer questions or to try to be positive. I decided to share even though some of us who seem to be positive and who appear to have everything under control have our unpredictable low times, too. The strange thing is that they happen in the strangest ways and at the strangest times. Most of us want to prepare for them, but my message is that we can't. All we can do is to live our lives one day at a time and be ready to use our coping mechanisms at any time. God bless all of us, whichever stage we are in and the quality of relationship we have/had with our moms.

Chari7, your post is so touching. Thank you for sharing your story.

My mother has pretty good health right now, but I know that the day will come......but, we will have our many happy memories. God bless you.

Astonishing how much work our elderly parents make for us. Even when they are no longer alive.

Mom has been gone for 6 months. I am sometimes bowled over by weird emotions that stop me in my tracks. And distract me from being an engaged partner, a good friend, an effective employee.

Mom was my last parent to go. Probate is a slog. A good bit of their estate planning was non-planning and magical thinking.

Mom decided, in her weird way, to boost our inheritance by not having any repairs/upgrades on her primary home, not installing safety features for her poor balance, not paying for professional house cleaning/errands/lawn & snow care, not installing safety features and not seeking medical care.

I'm grateful for the little chunk that we heirs have coming. But it's filthy lucre. Paid for with years of my shattered peace of mind.

Chari and frequent flyer
thank you for sharing your stories

It's 7:00 pm and I'm trying to find the energy to go see my mom in memory care - it's exhausting to be there for hours until she falls asleep and I have to go to work in the morning but I know she's waiting for me and so I will go and bring treats for her and whoever else is having a bad night.

Chari7, what a nice tribute to your Mom. I understand it can be very difficult for some people, and for others a relief.

I come under the relief category, as the past 7 years were so emotionally and physically draining for me. Even though I wasn't under the same roof with my parents, there was still so much to do, and I also was an only child with no children... and my sig other had the attitude "not my parents, not my problem". That in itself added more stress to our lives, he and I barely talk to each other now.

My Mom was 98 years old when she passed in December, and she had a wonderful life with a wonderful husband [my Dad]. But she was also so very stubborn in her later years, refusing to move to something safer, and refused caregivers for her and Dad, even refused cleaning people. All of that was so stressful for me, as I thought what I was doing would make everyone's life much easier. Lot of sleepless nights which did damage to my health. Just poor planning on my parent's part.

My Mom had a peaceful passing, she was in long-term-care under Hospice watch. While channel surfing in the wee hours of the morning [Hospice said she had a day or two left so I didn't want Mom to be alone], I found Mom's all time favorite movie "Smokey & the Bandit", so I watched it... the movie ended at 3 in the morning... Mom passed at 3:05. I had to smile about the timing. Even though Mom was in a coma, she was "watching" the movie.

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