When he got home today…I didn’t ask him how his visit went or how she is doing. His face says it all! He looked exhausted. He has been told by his doctors that it’s effecting his health though he doesn’t listen. I am tired of begging him to step back and take care of himself. She has the BEST care, 24 hour care in a expensive retirement community. She loves the attention. I know her patterns. For example when we leave for a vaca she has a crisis. It’s very disturbing. Sad. Selfish. She is sharp. Her mind is good, almost too good. She is a master at manipulation.
On a positive note I have learned a lot from her toxic behaviors. I am no longer a people pleaser and have learned to hold healthy boundaries.
It’s ok to love someone from a distance.
Just when I thought I had her down pat, she would do something different. So never understood her. Her moving to Fla was probably a Godsend. We only saw her about 1x a yr since its a 2 day trip for us. She was so sweet to everyone who was not her DIL. I really think she was in competition with the DILs. She use to say "you attract more bees with honey than vinegar". Think she took that philosophy to heart. I have seen her nasty side when she did not get her own way and her son stood up for me. Its sad, but I could never say I loved her. I got along with her but a week was about as long as I could take. So, don't feel bad if there is no love there.
Maybe husband should read the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. He needs to set boundries for himself. He stands strong when she tries to cross them.
Happiest day of my life (yes, I am embellishing here) was the day I walked out of my MIL's house...never to return. And snagged a Diet Coke on the way, just to tick her off. (She didn't 'allow' me to have a drink at her house b/c she was afraid I would have to use her bathroom...long story....) And I have NOT seen her for almost 2 years.
DH still goes, totally out of guilt, to see her. He hates every second of it. He begs me to go with him. He's tried going by her house when we're out and then tries to coax me into visiting--if/when he does that, I simply walk the 3 blocks to my sister's house and hang out there.
She hates me, she is very vocal about that and everyone in the family knows. It has been horrible and I wish I had had the courage to divorce her 20 years ago when she got really bad....
The boundaries have kept me sane. I will talk with DH about her, how she tries to manipulate, etc and I am sympathetic, but every time he tries to talk to her about her behavior, she comes unglued.
Some people are just mean and awful. I do not have to have this woman in my life and I do not.
Dh tried to guilt me recently about not visiting her, and I asked when was the last time he visited MY mother? It had been 5+ years, at least. So--what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And my mom LOVES my DH.
Good for you for not participating in the abuse by MIL anymore. I hope your husband follows suit before the stress kills him.
A big round of applause for you. Isn't it great when the lightbulb finally goes off and you can see things clearly!
I do hope that little by little you can help your husband see the light as well. Even if he takes one day off from visiting that can make a difference.
You are right it is OK to love someone from a distance some times that distance is 6 feet, some times 60 feet and sometimes 6 miles.