The "you owe your parents, it's a privilege to care for your parents", commentators!

Thank you oldcdger2 for your quick response!!!!! We have always gone with my mother (2 siblings) she likes for us to go. The problem is my brother is demanding to take over even though the doctor asks me as the 24/7 for any new symptoms ect. He and I are disagreeing on so many things right now I don't think it would be healthy for my mother to have us in the same room. Still wondering if I should suck it up being in the same room with him and go anyway......

This is a topic I can sink my teeth into!
Regarding the remark about whining, and the response to it, I intend to whine a little on here when I have a bad day. If someone tells me not to, I wont listen to them. I'll just ignore them and continue whining untill I get the compassion and understanding I need, and I would advise others to do the same. Try to ignore negative feedback and instead, pay attention to people who say things like "I know just how you feel!" or "I hope things get better for you!" or "Hang in there, it will be okay!" Or those who offer you good advice or share stratagies that worked for them. Everyone is entitled to their opinoin, even if you disagree with them.Im not sure why you let it bother you so much.Maybe they are trying to make themselves feel better at your expense, perhaps to compensate for their own shortcomings, either real or percieved. Maybe they just had a really bad day, or maybe they just didnt think before they clicked "submit" and didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Either way, its just her opinion, not a fact. So dont let it keep you from getting the support you need.I dont see it as whining, I see it as sharing your feelings with people who understand because they are in similar situations.
Regarding what we "owe" our parents depends on our individual situation, how our parents treated us, (or MIStreated, as the case may be).
Generally, in a family where you know your parents did their very best to raise you and sacrificed for you, if they tookk care of you when you were sick, and now they need help, I think you do owe it to them.But what does that mean? Does it mean you owe them whatever they want? Does it mean your needs no longer matter? Sometimes elderly parents are unreasonable. They expect their children to just drop everything and travel hours every time they need something, and when they complain, they guilt them by saying things like "I carried you for nine months, nursed you for two years, changed your diapers, fed and clothed you, supported you, paid for your college...and so on and you wont even come help me change a light bulb?" Never mind that you live two hours away, have three small children, a husband and a job and you have already been there seven times in the last three days to help her. Never mind that she has the option to sell her house and move closer to you but refuses to do so, instead, insisting her childen come to her. Never mind that your four siblings who arent pitching in.. Never mind that you have all offered hire someone to come in and do some of the chores but she refuses, preferring instead, to make you jump through hoops.
I have read a lot of posts on here about people who do wonderful things for their parents and sacrifice a lot for them willingly. Thats great! But I have also read a lot of posts by people who are trying their best to accomodate parents who are ungrateful, demanding, selfish and stubbornly refuse to meet their children halfway. In those cases, I say no, you do NOT owe your parents. At least, not nearly as much as they think you owe them. Your needs are important too, not to mention the needs of your spouse and children. If a parent expects you to lose your job, your home, neglect your children, ruin your marriage to take care of them and they cant compromise with you then they are taking advantage of you. I

Sounds like you guys need an arbitrator. Need to sort out WHY he feels he should handle EVERYTHING. If she lives with you - and you are the one who monitors her health and meds, etc. you would logically be the one to handle her health care issues. Does your brother feel you are doing an inadequate job? Send mom to live with him a while - see how that goes. I am only slightly joking here :0) It may be a very good experience for him. Nothing like hands on to grow appreciation for the job of another. But, seriously, a mediator sounds like it is necessary.

oldcodger2 thank you!!! I actually am living with my Mother in her house. I moved back from HI to take care of her since all other siblings can't or won't live with her. I can't send Mom to live with him or any of them. This is my choice to be here, I have a very understanding husband and thank God for him everyday. We don't get to see each other for 3 months at a time.....as for my brother he is a good person just is taking his frustration out on me...I was told the caregiver gets all the crap and none of the appreciation and boy am I finding this out. Thank you for caring but I am done with my siblings, I am here for my MOM.

My last post was meant for Mimialoha -

Great post Queens! Couldn't agree more............... one life is not more important than another - parents should not expect more from their kids than is reasonable - and reasonable is not determined by their wants and needs alone............. Good post.

I agree with you all in one way or another. Depending on the day. But, that doesn't mean that I would ever demean or criticize other caregivers. First, all of us are doing a job or duty that obviously others do not want to do. Second, only each individual caregiver knows exactly what she/he goes through on any given day!!! Some days doing this caregiving for my mother is the last thing that I want to do.

So yes, this forum is essential in my life because I don't have any other person or outlet that will ever understand what I go through. Thank you other caregivers for allowing me to VENT!!! God bless you all.

Book, ANGER is part of the grieving process!!!!! Don't be so hard on yourself! You've been through an awful lot in the past 23 years and even more emotion the past month. I think most people understand where you are coming from if they, too, have experienced a loss of a parent and squabbling siblings. Please, be kind to yourself and vent away where need be.
It does EVERYONE good to let out the pent up emotions. I agree with some of the posters that unless one has walked in anothers shoes, they shouldn't judge or criticize. Everyone is handling their situations the best they know how. If any one of us can maybe offer suggestions or alternatives so be it. No one has to accept suggestions or alternatives that they don't believe in or agree with. As long as we also offer empathy, support, compassion and understanding, that's a must. Blessings

Thank you everyone for such a positive response to my posting. I never expected such a response. Yes I did get the typical few negative responses, but that is what I expected. Controversial subject matter brings out the true colors of those who comment on posts. Those who claim censorship is wrong are absolutely right, but then how else do you expose the negators that go to from post to post expressing their possible hurt full opinons?

Well, personally I just really needed to know that I was not alone and not too crazy, been through a lot of heart ache and suffering in my life but never anything like this, my mother's erratic behaviors had me thinking it was me not her, as in "showtiming," I came here to find out that this was what she was doing, a real help to my sanity. I needed to be able to express my fears, worries, outrages and just find a safe way to let it go. In my opinion, we all have to work on ourselves, everyone has issues, healing and becoming whole is part of the life journey in my philosophy, how we get there is up to us, either through religion, psychiatry, new age, crystals, booze, pot, reiiki, burning incense to meer cats, whatever, or in some cases some people choose to not to evolve. Take what you need and leave the rest. Also a lot of times, people do not have a clue where you are coming from because it is impossible to succinctly put decades of history into a post or profile. I am doing this for my mother not because I owe her, I don't think I had input about coming in, but who knows, rather I do it because she helped me in and as a courtesy I will help her go out. I took my 11 year old cat to Ireland, he is now 12, do you think that was easy, NOT, but the way I see it is I take responsiblity for those that I bring in to a situation and love like my cat into my life, people said, put him to sleep it is easier, now hang on don't want to offend anyone, but I would rather see them put to sleep than my cat, never ever happening, my cat is the lesson of love like all my animals have taught me, unconditional love, the unconditional love that a parent should only offer but many don't know how to give because it wasn't given to them, the cycle goes on unless you stop it. I don't abandon those that have helped me, cared for me, or raised me, unless they leave me no other alternative by perpetrating on me some truly abusive behavior. As an adult I also understand that my parents did the best they could with what they knew. I also realize that their culture and generation had mighty different outlooks on life, they suffered from narrow minded dogmas, the depression, hunger, rigid cruel parents, nuns, priests, crazy religious beliefs, alcohol, the list goes on, of course there was abuse but as an inperfect human being I realized that if I could forgive myself for my insanities, I could forgive them for theirs, if I could not forgive them, then I could not have any contact with them. If she puts me in peril or danger like she did when I got here again, well then the deal is off. I must self preserve, and me and the cat will go elsewhere and live a joyous life, because it really is what we make it.

Mimaloha, I am now in another country but I really think you have to have your mother sign a proxy that allows them to discuss her care with you. I am in the process of getting an Enduring Power of Attny, a real case of gymnastics for me since she was diagnosed with cognitive decline, I had to get the consultant state in writing that at this point in time she'd be able to understand about her finances and medical needs, right now, the time is ticking and it is not easy for me. As far as I know, unless you have signed a release they can't discuss her care with you. Has been the case for me here, and I have had to fight to find out what I needed to know.

I try not to say anything too positive about my situation - I was told I was arrogant when I did that.

Eguillot: It's not arrogant to be positive. I think what may annoy frustrated caregivers is an "in your face" Pollyanna grinning isn't this nice? attitude. Because usually, it isn't ! That is what we have been discussing in a thread Debralee started. If someone vents about their situation and someone else replies in a passive aggressive way to cheer up, get tough, whatever-- that is not showing empathy or compassion. I hope everyone's life improves daily:) xo

It is a rarity to go through the entire process of caregiving with nothing but warm cozy feelings emanating from BOTH parties all the time. It may start out that way - but as the losses mount up - *health gone *mobility gone * independence gone * mate gone * home gone - must now with in AL, NH or with family - well, then it can get rough and very often does. The MORE the elder loses the MORE we lose too. Then sometimes the 'sweetness' is lost as well and the elder replaces gratitude with derision, complaining, contrariness, etc. IT gets harder and harder as the end nears and that's the clincher! Guess how it ends?? We get to LOSE our parent - all the while facing our own mortality and doing it all without much help from our families. This doesn't add up to a POSITIVE experience. If you are having a positive experience - maybe things just haven't spiraled downward long enough. Sorry to be miss dreary here - but sometimes life stinks and old age is NOT PLEASANT.

I am happy for all of you out there who have a mother or father who validates you daily, has a sweet and kind disposition (and not just in front of you or company - but ALL the time - meaning it is genuine. Most of us do not have that. It may have begun that way - but it doesn't always end that way. And often we are just plain tired. Many have jobs and children still at home or their health isn't what it once was. Most of us are not young anymore. This isn't the way we envisioned our later years - by the time it is over - our life is about over too. Boy, I had better just give this up - I am depressing myself and I WAS having a decent day :-)

But, I think maybe you get the point. Not everything is sunshine and roses for MANY and this is their outlet - a place where they can come and 'complain' to a group who should be able to UNDERSTAND and just listen and validate them. I think that happens more often than not.

I do see some who are telling people to 'buck up' and 'stop whining' and 'if you feel guilty then it's YOUR FAULT.' Come on - give somebody a break. This is not way to encourage. If someone has changed someone's diaper 10 times in one day due to diarrhea - let them gripe away. Support them. What's so great about CRAP??? Sure, we love our parents - but let me tell you that adult poop IN NO WAY resembles baby poop!!! Been there - done that - and I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

I will shut up now. Hope everyone gets a GOOD day this week. :0)

I'd also like to make a gripe. Since joining AC, my mom has passed away. Someone eluded to the fact that just because a person doesn't currently care for their parent, they may have forgotten what it was like. Believe me, I haven't forgotten nor will I ever. I haven't forgotten the heartbreak of losing my dad either. The here and now activity doesn't mean we who have done this in the past can't help others or that we don't still get angry at caring for a narcissistic or vent about it. I thought this was a community for all. It'd be pretty sad to have to quit coming here once your duties are over.

Jeepers, who would allude such a rotten thing - that you may have forgotten what it was like, doy, duh, what???? I hope that was a mistake or a miscommunication.

equillot,
Personally I enjoy the positive posts. It helps me. I am here to learn what is in store with caregiving full time- if it was all negative than that could not be an accurate picture. I know from when I watched my Mom for a week it was hard but there were moments that were awesome. And this from a woman who said I was too fat to be bulimic- and then yelled at me for worrying my brother about it when he saw me throwing up and told her he was scared for me. (doesn't make sense-does it?) and then just ignored my bulimia for --well, forever- I finally got help on my own. So- yeah- there are times when I want to throw up my hands and scream at her- "You want me to take you in?!?! After ignoring my OCD and bulimia after,--- well, a whole bunch of sh*t- You want ME to take care of YOU?!?" And when the posters come on saying it is wrong to think this and that and you have to be thankful for everything it IS annoying BUT when a poster comes on and just simply tells of a joyous event or the love that is happening I don't find that annoying- I find that helpful!! I find inspiration in that and-hope. So I thank you, equillot, for sharing some positive stories! And I feel for all those who need to vent! I know that if I do take Mom on full time I will need to vent!!! I just hope that I can also come on here and share happy times as well.

A week is not very long - it is barely a taste of full time caregiving - the kind that goes on for years and years. If you and your mom have had some serious issues - well, those are very likely to resurface after the honeymoon is over.

I have at times felt that I was losing my mind and my health has taken a nose dive despite copious doses of vitamins, etc. My brother in law kept my MIL for 1 week and couldn't understand why it was so hard. After all, she is a sweetheart and they didn't have a bit of trouble.

It just happened to be one of her best weeks in months (in between her mini crises) and she is always on their best behavior for the 'rest of the family.' She came home though and had a small stroke. Who got to deal with that? Guess.

Wish we could go back 8 years and encourage my MIL to move to AL in the state where she lived in instead of moving here. I know I sound sour - but things have turned sour and it isn't all my fault. Caregiving is the hardest, most thankless job I have ever undertaken in my entire life and it has taken my health. There have been a few positive moments, moments when we laughed together - but those times are long gone now.

As noble as it is to care for another - and I tend to be a softie in this regard - when you are tired to the bone from it - we can all be grateful for a place like Agingcare - to hear us out and help us over the humps.

equillot~I personally have not seen what you have posted to others. This is not directed at you personally. There is a rare few that post that it is a pleasure, a privilege, and our duty to Honor our Mother and Father because they brought us into this world,etc. I truly believe that this is their choice and belief,however, those who make comments that placing your parent in a community or snh is "throwing them away" is a cruel comment to make to someone when they know very little of the person's situation, their own health issues, some have lost their homes in order to keep a parent out of professional care. While this is their choice and I commend them for their devotion and commitment to their parents, it does not mean that it is the right choice for everyone else. To honor Thy Father and Thy Mother means something different to everyone. An example is that I believe I have Honored my Father and my Mother by living a good life, raising my children with traditions that honor my parents, being self sufficient...not relying on family members or the government for financial support except in extreme cases and learning from their mistake that brought them to that point so they don't repeat it. Then there are those who were raised in very abusive families. I am not talking about...Oh, we all got whacked with a spoon or belt. I am talking about parents who put their children in the middle of spousal fights, forcing them to choose which parent is right, and when the children do chose, they are severely punished for doing so. Parents that play head games, sexually abuse their children, tell their children they are useless, good for nothing, ugly, fat, and I don't know why I ever had you because you will never take care of me...if the only reason a person has children is so the children will take care of the parents is so totally selfish. There was a time when female children did care for their parents/husbands parents because women did not work, weren't allowed to work or need to work to help support their family. To those of you who are caregiving 24/7365, I commend you!! It all comes down to having compassion for what others are going through and not everyone can be a 24/7/365 caregiver, just as not everyone can be a good mother and father.Yes, we are all entitled to our beliefs and opinions but it does not give us the right to to make uncaring remarks to others. Religion and politics are hot topics so would you as a republican go to an event by yourself and shoot your mouth off to the democrats? If you are an atheist, would you go to a Christian service and stand up in front of the congregation stating your beliefs? When a site like this one has such a diverse mixture of people, how we WORD something is important. This site is for everyone and that means that while you may be a 24/7/365 caregiver not everyone else is and respect in how you word a post is needed. I post mostly on the Dysfunctional family thread and I have gotten where I include a disclaimer so that those who not agree with my philosophy don't get offended if it is their first time on that thread. It is a shame I should have to do that, but there are people who take offense without having any knowledge of a person's situation or they only want to promote what they believe. I hope that all of us on this site can continue to state or vent our issues and if someone points out to us that our thinking may need to be changed, that we have the integrity to search our own hearts, admit to ourselves and others that we still have some growing to do. Growth is good but if you don't evolve you are the one who is left behind. God Bless everyone and if you don't believe in God...consider it a blessing of good will!! Hugs to everyone

I figure if a person needs or wants to post something on here, then they ought to be prepared for whatever answers come their way. Not all caregivers are created equal, and not all caregiving experiences are created equal. In my opinion, that's what makes this a wonderful place to shoot out ideas and problems, because everyone sees that problem from a different angle. You have to glean what you can from the answers that line up to your specific problem, and dismiss the rest. We're NOT mind readers after all, just trying to help. ♥

Trust me, oldcoldger2,I know what full time caregiving is. I know how hard it is. I get spit on, hit, punched and hair pulled almost daily. I wipe blood off walls and clean poop out of the sink on a regular basis. I have no friends; no social life and cry just about everyday lately. It is just not my Mom.
Yes, I realize one week with my Mom- though I have done many weekends as well, is not a true picture- that is why I like to come on hear and read about those of your who are full time caregivers- and about those of your who are full time caregivers but with an elder in a NH or AL. I need to make decisions , I need to know what is in store. So when I am reading and I see a positive story it cheers me up. And I appreciate all the posts that tell about the hard times as well- both are equally important. IMO. :0)

Oh, and Alwaysmyduty, I hope you stick around!! You are a valuable voice on here and, I think, that a big part of caregiving is what happens after the elder passes. I think once a caregiver always a caregiver- I think it changes you for life. (((hugs)))

I have been a member here for over 3 years and have seen lots of good and some bad. People get helped and people get hurt. Most times it's due to misinterpretation of the written words. Sometimes it is just downright cruelty!
This is a great place to meet wonderful and knowledgeable people who are looking for comfort, friendship, and someone to listen to them and actually hear what they are saying. It's not a contest to see who comments the most or who gives the most hugs, or even who gives the best advice.
This is a place that all of us caregivers came upon in our quest to find understanding of what we were going through and answers to so many questions that we could not find anywhere else.
I have found many lifelong friends here and answers to so many questions from so many great caregivers from all over the world. I myself have lashed out a couple times when I felt someone was attacked for their comments. There have also been times when I felt it just wasn't worth making things worse by bringing attention to negativity towards someone.
We are all exhausted most of the time and overwhelmed all of the time, so it helps to reread any comments that we find offensive and try to put them into perspective and decide if they are worth drawing more attention too.
I too get my back up when told I will be rewarded for being such a good daughter. I don't feel like a very good daughter when I wish this was over, but I keep on doing this because it is right for me and Mom. That doesn't mean it's right for everyone. There is nothing wrong in recognizing that you cannot be a full time caregiver. I sure have learned that lesson after 5 years with Mom.
I think this site is the place to be and am grateful for everyone's help and comments that I read. Debralee, this was a great discussion you started and the answers all have merit.
There are lots of great people here and I am thankful for all the input, even the ones whose comments I don't agree with! that's what makes the world go round. As for positive caregiver comments, keep them coming! It's nice to know that there are some of you out there that truly love what you are doing! If the comment isn't to your liking, then move on and let it go. We all have enough stress to deal with, so lets not let the "in poor taste" comments get us down. Let's do what we all do best and that is support each other as best we can and keep this site going so that new caregivers have a place to come and vent and whine and learn!!!