Please list reasons why you have decided not to be a primary caregiver in your home or their home. Thank you for sharing.

I am loving these honest and very practical reasons for why it isn’t always the best solution to live in the same house as your parents, either in their home or ours.

Great responses!

Most of you know that I did try caring for my mom in my home. It wasn’t the right solution for me. I had to find out the hard way. Siblings can complicate matters as well. So, if I can spare others from reliving my pain I feel like it is worth a discussion.

This discussion also helps me to realize that I am not alone in how I feel. I thank all of you so very much. You have helped me more than you know. Hugs! 💗

My main reason for not living with my parents [in their 90's] was because I am a senior citizen myself. I was lucky to get myself together to go into work. And at my age [at the time late 60's], I only had the energy to clean my own house, much less clean another. Plus I would rather have open heart surgery then cook.

And I couldn't imagine living in a house where the temp would be at 82 degrees year round. I prefer the temps to be one step away from snow. Who wants to live in a hot flash 24 hours a day.

Oh I helped with the logistical things that needed to be done, and that in itself was stressful enough. I wanted to scream if I saw one more doctor's waiting room or fill out another set of paperwork. I hated driving my parent's car [yes, it was my father's Oldsmobile], it got to a point of major panic attacks which I still have years later.

My parents never needed to care for their own parents as they lived far away. Thus, my folks had zero idea how tough it was. My Dad's parent's had my Dad's brothers, their wives, and a gaggle of driving age children. Big difference when there are 15 people helping vs just me.

With my mother there was no choice. And I defy the “no nursing home ever” crowd to say there was. Her care after a hemorrhagic stroke was so involved there was no way possible it could be accomplished in home. I remain grateful to the kind and compassionate caregivers who took such good care of her when we could not. With my dad, he’s had a longstanding rule of his own making that no adult child of his can live with him and he won’t live with any of us. He says he’s seen it ruin too many relationships. I’m grateful he feels this way. Currently frustrated that he’s still attempting to live alone, but glad he’s got his rule

For me, it’s complicated. There are multiple reasons why I won’t bring my parents in to my home & care for them. For one thing, you could say they had my brother & I later in life-they were 32 when I was broken and 35 when my brother came along. So they are now 71 and I am about to turn 39. I have an 8 year old and a 12 year old. Sadly my parents made some not so good decisions earlier in life, both drank and smoked. My dad still smokes. They were never active when I was a kid, they didn’t exercise or anything. So now at 71 both are in bad shape. They Both have a slew of health issues and mobility problems. For their age, they really are in bad shape.

I am obviously raising my family. Our house isn’t big enough to bring in another person. My kids would have to switch rooms & my daughter and mom would have to share the bigger room. I have thought about that but it wouldn’t be fair to my kids especially my daughter. Both of my kids play sports and it is quite a time commitment, they have practice 2-4 nights a week and games on the weekend. We would have to give that up.

It would mean putting life on hold and putting my parents first and I will not do that. My husband and children come first. My parents didn’t raise to me think I owe them something. I kind of wish they did because maybe they wouldn’t feel obligated to pay my bum of a brother to help out around the house! He’s lived there 15 years and hasn’t worked but 1 year in his life, they’ve provided full financial support this whole time....and my parents pay him to do things like paint a room and fix the fence! So yes I do not feel I owe it to my parents. They raised me to self efficient and they have always said they don’t want to be a burden. They have never once said their children owe them, never thrown it in our faces all the things they did for us and how they raised us.

I also don’t have the patience for it. I will never deny that. I just don’t. It’s not in my blood. I don’t like repeating myself. I’m always in a hurry. And I need my space! I could not bring one or both of them here. After about 2 days of company, I’ve had enough and I need my space and I need my regular routine. So I could not handle having my parents here full time. Not gonna happen.

If they lived near by, I would absolutely help them. I would have no problem running errands, cleaning the house and making dinner once or twice a week. I wish they did live nearby so I could help them and not throw it in their faces the way my brother does.

Because just being my mother's daughter has given me enough stress. She was a Christian Scientist for years. I had to be until I was old enough to know that medication existed for relief. All her praying did not keep her from having hip and knee replacements. She waited until she literally could barely walk.

She spent large periods of my youth in bed. I asked her at 10 if she was dying. At 16 I taught myself to cook and spent every day cleaning the house. I was striving for some sense of normalcy.

At least she bought a LTC policy. That will expire in June. She is in AL. I try to advocate as best I can with her health issues. I feel I have done more for her as a daughter than she did as a parent.

She is very overweight which is only exacerbating all her health issues. At times I can feel as though I could lose my mind when thinking about how her health or lack of it will play out. So I have to mentally detach. I still try to get her to doctors she needs to see. I moved up an appointment with the eye doctor at her insistence. Then because she is having chronic back pain she wanted to cancel it. I insisted she go as it is not that easy to get these appointments. There was no change in her eyesight from 6 months ago. I truly feel as though she never knows best. There have been times I wish I was never born but I try to get a positive perspective.

I would guess those were all enough reasons although there are countless more.

I have to agree with Barb. Most of us don’t have a choice. We are still of working age and can’t do hands in care. I am shocked at the number of posters who choose to quit their job and jeopardize their future to be the caregiver ( and often for an awful parent). I just can’t imagine someone who actually needs to work making the decision to quit and care for an elder.

I have only 1 reason: Because my mother is way too toxic of a human being for me to be able to spend any real time with her, never mind taking her into my home or moving into hers (when that was a possibility) where there would be no escape. Not gonna happen.

Hopefully, your post doesn't turn into a hate-fest where martyrs come out to tell us why we're 'horrible' and 'wrong' and 'going to hell' for not honoring our parents the way the bible tells us to. Let's hope.

Nobody can walk in anybody else's shoes to feel our 'whys' ......some parents are sweet & kind & easy to care for, while others are the polar opposite. That's 'why', in a nutshell, methinks.

Barb and cwille,

As always your posts are on point and genuine.

geeeeee,

There are many reasons why people simply cannot care for their parents. I certainly understand yours!

Wow, tothill

It’s true that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I don’t blame you for keeping the door closed to your heart. There is no need to reopen wounds.

I’m so sorry these things happened to you. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment or abuse.

My mom had congestive heart failure and she was doing ok living alone for about 2.5-3 years after my dad died. My uncle helped her out a lot doing home projects, fix it stuff, errands, etc. (I lived over 1,000 miles away)I knew the time was getting closer that she'd probably need more help and I thought about it a lot. I have 3 kids and I'm single. I couldn't go there to help more than a couple times a year and the thought of her moving even to the same STATE that I lived in filled me with absolute panic. We did not have a good relationship. She wasn't even a bad mom, in fact she was a pretty good one, but she lied a lot, chain smoked and was passive aggressive, didn't know how to not cross boundaries, had been mean to my son (she preferred my daughters), and overall there was just always friction between us. I set it in my mind that there was no way I would be in charge of taking care of her, even though I was the only child. I KNEW she would destroy my life. The uncle that helped her was an absolute angel and did so so so much for her, but all she could do was complain about him, be mean to him, tell him to go away, beg him to come back and do more, try to make him leave when me and my kids were visiting by telling him there wasn't enough food for him during a family get together, she was just so awful to him. When I saw that I thought, you know what, you will not step foot in my house, I will not cater to you and have you treat me like garbage. I will make sure you are taken care of but it won't be by me. Of course I feel some guilt because she died before it really became an issue. She got pretty sick in October went into the hospital and bounced back and forth between there and rehab for a while and died in January in the hospital. I can guarantee that if I had lost my mind and brought her home to my house to take care of her that I would have gone crazy. I don't know how people who do that can do it, especially when the relationship is bad. Anyway, that's my story...I knew I couldn't handle her negativity so the answer was no when she started hinting about moving "out there with you."

Abusive parents. I have had years of therapy to recover from my childhood. I will never put myself in the position of being abused by them again.

It is not a matter of forgiving them. It is a matter of not forgetting what they did and ever putting myself in the position of being the brunt of it again.

I had a brief in person conversation with my Dad in October. It was enough to trigger me and make me realize that any amount of time spent with him is too much.

My mother is not allowed in my house. When I was going through an incredibly ugly separation and divorce 5.5 years ago, I found out she was going through my mail and possessions, taking things she felt I did not deserve, listening to my answering machine and reporting to my ex what she knew about my finances. There was far more to it. She knew what my ex had left, had a conversation with him about him getting the kids and the house and her supporting him in that before ever thinking to check if I was ok.

I am Mum's POA for everything, but nothing would convince me to provide any degree of hands on care, daily check ins etc.

I am not a bad person, but the way my parents have treated me throughout my life you would think I was a monster. They were pillars of the community, nobody knew what it was like at home.

Well, I did it all, I cared for mom in her home, then we moved to a home I bought, then I was her advocate after she needed a nursing home. Most of the old timers on the site know that I crashed and burned attempting to care for her at home, this despite the fact I had 8 hours of respite every week (which is something many caregivers can only dream of). My hat is off to those who manage that level of care until the end.

There was no "choice" for us. All of us had to work to support our families and pay our mortgages.

We were taught early in life that we were each responsible for our own financial lives. Our parents' led by example and prepared for their old age.

Thus, when it was clear mom could no longer live alone, we found a good Independent Living facility. After a stroke, she needed Nursing Home level care.

I will go first. I wanted peace in my life. I wanted time for myself and my family. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.