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I'm tired. Couple years ago, I had to place my father (dementia stage 6) in an assisted living home an hour away due to mother having a stroke and she could no longer care for him nor herself. Shes not fully recovered, and relies on me for all medical, finance and daily life decisions. I'm Only sibling near, I had to step up and help... Mother had little education and passes everything on to me. Two other siblings visit/call but really haven't helped with any decisions, finances or tons of appointments, paperwork or daily issues, or driving mom to ALF to visit dad. I work, husband has own business and really never was around to help with our own home life stuff, so I'm left trying my best to balance it all. I've been able to keep it together..... But I'm tired. I don't enjoy life anymore... I just show up....try to make everybody else happy. Tired of feeling unimportant. I'm sorry for my pity party.... I just needed to be heard by someone outside my circle who could possibly understand.

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I am an only adult child in early 60’s with 92 year old mother and dad who died at 94 after a stroke and hellish hospice journey at home with caregivers. I told my mother today, I hate who I have become, bitter, angry and resentful of having their lives dumped on me. I work full time and don’t live with my mother. She has 2 wonderful caregivers that come daily but not 24/7. I hear you. I’m just going through the motions. I don’t have much joy in anything. I work my job with benefits hopefully until I turn 65. I don’t have the answers but want you to know, you are not alone. I find some comfort in my private life at my home and swimming and yoga at a nearby wellness facility that I joined. I also do day trips to a much larger city 1 hour away and plan to stay overnight in a luxury hotel. I did this regularly in my life before caregiving. I never realized people resented my freedom and lifestyle. It’s all a big sobering wake up call. You’re not alone. Do things for yourself and don’t feel guilty.
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I could just hug you right now. I am 72 and remarried 21 yrs ago after taking care of my mom and dad. I had 10 siblings with only 1 that helped some what. My f-i-l died 4 months before our wedding. Mom lived an hr away and we visited once a month as she got older things were falling apart with the house and her. I took care of her and my husband the house. 2 sons that live in the area,useless. Daughter in Arizona useless and full of drama. 5 yrs ago discover mom is an alcholic and finances all messed up and not going to doctors. We step up more,useless siblings step away.15 months ago admitting to assisted living near us after a fall. Sister now complains about me draining “ her inheritance “. I am a christian with full faith in God but this family has challanged it everyday. Brother ask for 50k advance in inheritance 🤦‍♀️.This winter the assisted living states she needs a higher level of care( nursing home).Back into research mode with no help. Finances jump from 4k a month to 18k a month for nursing home. His sister screamed louder about her inheritance but offered no suggestions except for us to take her in to save the money. She is 93 fully incontinent of urine and stool.I have had a heart attack,stents and vascular surgery and this is the crap I have to put up with his family. I have never seen such behavior . And to top it off I was a nurse for 43 yrs so just shoot me already.I find myself praying for a speedy death for mom so i never have to see or hear that family again. That is so wrong. Please don’t ask about my husband.Gentle soul with no backbone and has a flamingo head in the sand.I want to cry but too tired. My kids resent the time I spend caring for my m-i-l and the emotional abuse I take from his family.At the end of the day , it’s about me loving my mother in law ,not them. I lay down and thank God for my time with her that they will never have because they don’t try. I guess before I remarried I should have checked to make sure his parents were already gone 🤣🤣.Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless every caregiver here.
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I totally get it. I'm sorry any of us have to live this way. I also feel like a prisoner caregiver in that I feel that my children don't understand how hard it can be when I need male companionship and I am being denied that. I feel terrible for wishing this time would end but I don't see an end in sight
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Dear Stormysmom,

You absolutely may vent. You have been through and are going through a LOT. You are heard and you are understood. Though I had a wonderful wife who I took care of for many years, I never had to care for a loved one with dementia, but I know several people who have. It seems to be a step above "normal" caregiving, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away, but do your best to take care of you, too. That's important. Considering that you have now had to take on the care of your mother, that is amazing. You are truly an angel on earth. Vent as much as you want. Again, take care of yourself, too. At some point, this will all be over, and your folks will be gone. When that happens, you want to be able to be mentally and physically healthy to continue on with your own life. You can do this!

Sincerely,
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I feel you. I've been the sole caregiver of my partner. He was diagnosed with gastric cancer 2/24. He is 85, I am 70. The cancer is at bay-still there. The immunotherapy thankfully helped, but took a toll on his body. He just sits in his chair all day, and he is fine with that
My problem is I've lost interest in everything, and if I try to go out, I can't disassociate myself from caregiving. His kids only help out occasionally. No one understands caregiving unless they experience it themselves. Thanks for listening. Xo
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Assisted living is a huge accomplishment. Give yourself some credit for a job well done. Your siblings have the right to live their life. Some people have to go to nursing homes. If parents fail to plan for their post retirement then the kids should not have to stop life and get hit with the burden. If you can help get them both into a place where their meds and health are taken care of then you have done well.
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I totally understand. Ongoing caregiving for many many years for elderly parents. It wont last forever. Thats what you need to hang onto. You deserve a life and altho it isn't what you would like it to be right now, this is not forever. Thats what I tell myself every day.
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I was looking forward to my 97 year old father being gone so I could have an albatross off my back. Now I have a 74 y/o husband with health issues.

my best friend died and the bottom fell out of our couples social life. The 5 of us still get together but no more vacations together or doing things.

My SIL destroyed his family last month by admitting he never ended his affair two years ago. My daughter still wants him back. But I doubt I could ever be in the same room with him again. So there’s that too.

I really have nothing to look forward to. I’m tired of finding a reason to go on.
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“But I'm tired. I don't enjoy life anymore... I just show up....try to make everybody else happy.”

These words could have been mine - I’m so sorry. It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself.
my parents are 95 yrs old, still in their own home. Dad is in hospital right now, who knows if he’ll ever be able to return home. Siblings around but have trouble making decisions. I’m weary. Widowed 3 years ago, feel I have nothing to look forward to.
But recently read in this forum a post about thinking of things one would enjoy doing when all this is over - and it will be, we just don’t know when and I know it feels endless.
Anyway, I’m going to work on that strategy.
(I have a wonderful therapist too, but it’s still a struggle.)
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Unfortunately as many of us have learned, when you are really good at stepping up and taking care of things... People tend to give you more and more things to be in charge of. Before you know it you're juggling and balancing things like you're in a three-ring circus . It is unbelievably physically and mentally draining . You have good advice here in that both your parents should be in a skilled nursing facility where they can get their needs met. This way you can take care of some things but not have the complete load upon your shoulders. Caregiving is a very difficult job that cannot be done forever... I would put plans in place for your parents care and then step back. Hugs and our best to you.
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I think your mother is being tremendously selfish. She should have realized herself that she should go into AL with your father. Tell her to sell her house and do just that. And tell her EXACTLY what you told us here. You do not enjoy your life anymore and you need to make changes for yourself because this life is just wearing you down. This level of commitment you have made to your mother also affects your husband. How does he feel to be on the back burner?

There is nothing wrong with voicing this but it is also time to make some changes.

I get angry when I read posts like this one where the parent is extremely selfish and thinks their child owes them this sacrifice. I also am gonna bet that your siblings are brothers so they get a free pass.

I really hope things get better for you. Take care of yourself.
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“ I just show up …try to make everybody else happy.” Your words Stormysmom

You are not responsible for your parents happiness.
Tell Mom this is too much and she needs assisted living . Your mother is not going to be independent ever again .
It’s still going to be a lot doing the finances etc . But at least Mom will get housekeeping , meals , laundry, nurses, a primary doctor, hair cuts on site etc .
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Why don't you move your mother into the assisted living with your father? Two years after her stroke, she's not going to recover any further. Their house can be sold to pay for it. They'll be happier together, and the staff can take much of this burden off of you. You can rest and recover your physical and mental health. You can call or facetime with them, and limit the drive to a few times a month. You deserve to have the break and live your own life in peace.
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Of course you can vent! And, yes! I understand, as I think many here will understand!
I hope it will soon be time for your mother to be in assisted living as well. You can not possibly handle it all. That's what assisted living and nursing homes are for. They provide a staff 24/7 to take care of resident's needs.
I'm so exhausted, frustrated, and my body hurts after 10 years taking care of my bedridden husband. I had no idea what it would be. I just did what needed to be done. At this point, I am not ready for him to be in a nursing home, because I can not imagine my life without him in it. So, as hard as it is, I get up and do it every day. I complain about it, I take naps, but I manage to get it done.
Consider taking on someone else, home-care, to help out with mom. You don't have to do it all. And, mom's money pays for it.
Don't count on siblings. Once one person takes on the care of a parent, the other siblings will just expect it. They don't know what to do, and they don't want to disrupt their lives to do it. They will assume you have it under control.
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Oh goodness. That sounds like too much for anyone. You really need some help and some time just for you. Sounds like you are burnt out and that mean you need to change things, I don't know what your situation and options are but something has to give here before you break down; Please look after yourself. (((((hugs))))
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Of course you’re tired. This is exhausting and too much for any one person. Venting may momentarily help, but I hope you’ll soon choose real change. Mom can have help that isn’t you, she may not like it, but it’s still an option. It’s not your job to make everyone happy. Know that guarding your own health, physical and emotional, is vital, no one else will do it for you. I wish you much rest and peace
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