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My mom passed away and all I can think of is how I would lose my patience with her. I love and miss her so much. So many things I wish I would have said to her. 😞

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Tea Tea
I am sure if you ask most caregivers, we're gonna tell you that we've lost it with the ones we care for too. Please don't beat yourself up. You must have loved your mom, because if you didn't you would not have cared for her. I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you peace and comfort. ❤
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So sorry for your lose. Just imagine all the times she lost patience with you when you were a child and consider it even😉
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Say those things to your mother NOW. She will hear you and you'll get to say what you wanted to say so you can move on. Instead of remembering the bad times, instead, focus on all the happy memories you had together. That is when the healing begins, my friend.
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Thanks for the kind words and advice. When I start feeling guilty I will read everyone’s remarks.❤️
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It's all part of the human experience. You can now stay spiritually connected. Say what you need and honor her and let it go.
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TeaTea, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. My mother passed away October 31st, 2020.

My mom was 96 years old when she passed away from a stroke. She was briefly hospitalized before she passed.

I too had arguments with her at the end. She would say something to me that set me off and I would yell at her.

She still had her mind but had severe mental illness. Her mental illness got worse after she turned 90. She refused help from me or anyone else. She was fiercely independent. But I lost my temper and I regret it. I still cry over it. I talk to her every day. I tell her I love her and I didn’t mean to yell at her.

I found comfort in listing to 18 voicemails she sent to me in 2020. I am grateful I kept them. I also saved many cards and letters she sent me back in the 1980’s and 1990”s and 2000’s. The last letter I kept from her was in October 2014. The cards and letters were all full of love for me. I read them over and over and it helps so much.

I agree with other posters saying to journalize and write everything down that you are thinking and feeling regarding your mom.

Forgive yourself, I know your mom has.
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I think most of us feel as you do.

Please know that your mom would want you to be at peace.
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I’m sorry for your loss. Both of my parents died last year. I wish I had done more for them. They were elderly and in declining health. Realistically I know there was nothing I could do, but I sometimes I still wish I had.
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I can relate with your regrets. I too was often too hard on my mom b/c I thought she wasn’t trying hard enough to hang on, didn’t appreciate me, etc.. The woulda, coulda, shoulda’s took over and made me more unhappy. My pastor suggested I speak to Mom in my prayers and say the things I wish I’d shared with her. I’ve done that- several times actually. I believe she knows I did what I thought was in her best interest but came up short at times. I know she forgives me, I’m sure of it. Now I need to forgive myself! Good luck- we’re human and make some mistakes. Love yourself- so you can love others too!
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I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Personally, I think we're far too hard on ourselves when we've done so much for a LO and after they pass, the 'guilt' comes crashing down. It's actually grief, not guilt.

You're not a saint and mom wasn't either. Like Sunny said Life isn't a pretty movie. It is what it is and we are not perfect by any means.

I do believe that we live after death and our LO's who have passed do know of our sorrow and are very forgiving towards us, even after death. Be kind to yourself and work to remember the good moments with mom.
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Unfortunately because we are all human, we tend to initially think of what we should have, could have or would have done or said, before our loved one died. All of us caregivers have lost our patience with our loved ones at some point or another, and it does no good to beat ourselves up over it once they're gone. We all do the very best we can, and that is all we can do. I'm sure your mom was grateful for the great care you gave her, and she knew how very much you loved her as well. Please don't waste your time on what you don't think you did well; instead think of all the special times you and your mom had together. Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
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TeaTea, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved mom. May God comfort you with wonderful memories of the close relationship you shared. 😊
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Beautifully said!
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I am so sorry for this loss and your grief. I went through similar feelings before and after my dad died. There were days I had to just "hide" from him in his home and and scream into a pillow because I didn't want him to see my despair and frustration. I had to be very matter of fact with him at times and looking back...it was all I could do, because he was very strong willed and refused so much help. I think these feelings are very common and part of grief. I have to reassure myself that I did my very best for him and that I could not do everything alone. I still have to tell myself that real life...real families...real illness...real caregiving...is not always a scripted and edited Hallmark movie or an episode of Little House on the Prairie. In no way do I intend to sound cold-hearted or unkind, but I think it's so easy to get caught up in "if only." My heart goes out to you. I am sure you did your best. Losing patience is a symptom of overwhelm and fatigue. You are one person. You were helping. Please forgive yourself. Sending a hug - Sunnydayze
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I think we all think like that. I was the only child Mom could do a guilt trip on our of 4 of us. Mom passed at 89 from Dementia. I refuse to feel guilty. Yes, I lost my patience. Yes I wish I had said "I love you more" but we were not a demonstrative family. But I was the one there for her. Not my brothers. I was always the one who did for my parents, not my brothers. So as soon as that "guilt" shows its nasty head, I push it back down. At 71 I refuse to think what if. Better to remember the good times.
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I’m sorry for your loss, seems losing a beloved mom is a special kind of pain. Please accept that you can’t change the past and ruminating on the negative will only drag you down. Getting some counseling is never a bad idea. Focus on the positive and happy memories of your mom. I’m sure she knew your love
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TeaTea, so you weren't a Saint? That's almost kind of good, because we won't have to fill you up with arrows, send you to heaven, and then pray to you to fix everything here below for all of us for an eternity. That you were a human being with human limitations? Guess what, your Mom likely already knew that. Bet she had some limitations of her own. I am so very very sorry for your loss. It occurred to me after my bro died last May that out of all the wonderful 7 decades I had him, all our closeness and love, it was the few times I failed him, the few bickers at the end when both of us were so very stress with his diagnosis, his move, his making me POA and Trustee, his sale of his last home, my flying back and forth to him that would stick in my head.
It's human nature. I heard it said on NPR that we will choose guilt in order not to move on with grief, which is the REAL G. word. We think we can stay stuck in the would have-should have- could have, in that world that can be changed, rather than move to tears of loss in a world that cannot be changed. That loss that cannot be changed.
I helped myself by creating a journal of letters to my bro. When separated and not living in same city we used to write long long letters to one another. I wrote him the times I worried I let him down. I wrote him things I saw that day that made me think of him. I wrote him wonderful memories and I decorated it all with collage and cutouts and drawings. It became such a positive thing for me.
Your Mom will always be with you. I am 79 almost and I feel my Mom and Dad with me daily. They were wonderful people. I can't reach out and talk to them, see them, but they are with me as surely as ever they were.
I wish you healing. Your Mom would have wanted that for you. Imagine how quite she would be to forgive some small slight. She raised you from a baby. Don't imagine she didn't know a bit about you. I wish you the very best, and again am so sorry for your loss.
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