Parents who use guilt trip, "I took care of you for all those years and supported you now you have to take care of me!"

It depends how one was raised, I think. For me, the answer was crystal clear. Mom would stay with me as long as I could care for her. She was a loving mom who worked her fingers to the bone to support us both. How could I do anything less?

How do YOU want to be treated? The way we treat our own parents is the way we teach our children to care for us.

Honestly, I think it's just a poor rationalization. Elderly people want to maintain the lifestyle and amenities to which they grew accustomed during their healthy adult years. They can't manage it themselves any longer, so they look around for help. What better help than someone they know well and trust, someone they don't have to pay, and someone they have taken care of in the past, laying the groundwork for a claim of indebtedness or reciprocity? Adult children are simply the ideal unpaid labor force for elderly parents who want it all, long after they're no longer capable of maintaining it on their own.

Do I think eldercare is comparable to what parents did for us as kids? Hello, no!!! My mother is fairly well, so I am generally just a chore fairy at this point, only rarely a hands-on caregiver. However, my life has been on hold for 4.5 years so I can live in her state of residence and be available to her on at least a weekly basis for errands, transportation, home maintenance, cleaning, bed changing, hauling groceries and mail into the house and garbage and recycling items back out again. When we were kids, we all lived where my father's job was. We didn't decide where to live and expect the caregivers to pick up and move with us. That's only one example of the differences - there of course are many more.

I think this post raises an important question that is almost always overlooked. The question is not - are we obligated to take care of our parents? The question is: What exactly do we owe them in terms of care? Do we owe them the lifestyle they led when they were young and able-bodied, at our own expense? Or do we owe them assurance that they won't starve or be homeless or be left sitting in their own soiled mess once they can no longer care for themselves? Or somewhere in between?

I have heard this guilt trip for my entire life, but it has been used as a weapon to me ever since my father went into the nursing home 4 months ago. My husband and I moved closer to him to help him out 25 years ago. I have taken almost full time care of him since my mother died 6 years ago. I raised 2 sons in the shadow of this. I agree .... raising 2 teenagers was a piece of cake compared to taking care of him. My boys never brought the police to my door. My father has had several interactions with law enforcement, many calls of complaint from neighbors, concerned citizens, etc. So after 25 years of indentured servitude, my father no longer speaks to me because I will not pull him out of the skilled nursing center that he needs to be in. He expects me to care for him in his home. I need to go back to work so that I can pay some bills and save for my own retirement. My whole family dynamic is shattered and I feel like I have wasted the best years of my life and my marriage.

You bring up a really important question! The bible says honor thy parents. The bible also says that if you cast aside your spouse and children you are an infidel. For myself, I say that making your parents first above all for over 50 years is enough. My father is well taken care of, medical, nutrition, social needs met. If I am no longer worth making eye contact or verbal contact with, so be it. I figure if I start taking care of my own health, I may be lucky to milk another 20 years for myself. Selfish, yes...maybe.

Only you can decide what the next level of the relationship with your parents will be. If they are stubborn controlling people, in my opinion, moving them in with your new nuclear family will not be easy. It may even destroy the marital and parent child relationships that you have worked your whole life to achieve.

Good luck to you as you sound like you have arrived at a crossroads in your caretaking journey. Before you make your decision, I would encourage you to look at assisted living, small private care homes, etc. Do not let them back you into a corner. Let the decision be yours before you agree to anything. For sure, make sure you have the tools such as the POA's wills, etc before you venture forth. Sounds like you have your hands full!

Family dynamics. It depends on your situation - cliche, I know. People show you how to treat them. If you have a great relationship, it can be easy-peasy.
My mother and I didn't speak for almost 20 years - raging alcoholic that allowed abuse of her 3 children by stepfather. Denial of abuse. Once I separated enough from the dysfunction with help from therapy and distance and she sobered up, we were able to have a good relationship. I watched my mother provide care LONG DISTANCE care for grandmother in another city until grandmother broke hip. Grandmother stayed with my mother and her sister (my aunt) until grandmother developed bleeding disorder and moved to NH where she died within a month. Aunt (mother's sister) stayed with mother and not with aunt's son (who lived in same city with 5 bedroom house) for over 10 years rent-free until she died. My sister would have had my mother stay with her-fine with me. My mother and I discussed my mother's increasing needs for care and agreed that she was welcome for visits no longer than a week in duration. YOU SEE my mother's parents cared for my mother. My mother did not care for her parents in her home long term and my mother did not move to be closer to her parents to provide care. Both parents were told that they had to move closer to her or be cared for in a facility. So I told my mother that she would have that same arrangement with me. My mother deserved to be safe and as comfortable as possible, but I was not going to be her one-on-one slave. Did that as a codependent child/teenager - not good for either of us as adult. But my best friend's now 88 year old mother has lived with her for 19 years. Worked fine when they both worked, lots more tension as the mother's aging has caused higher care needs and the daughter developed her own health issues. But their family took care of elders in the home until they needed NH 24/7 care, so daughter and mother live together.
No one solution for all.

IMO, obligation goes from a person to their children. Anything going the other way is done out of love and compassion, and not an obligation. Our duties as children are to make sure that parents are safe, fed, and suitably cared for. However, we do not owe our lives to them to ensure that their lives don't have to change. So often an adult child quits their job and moves to take care of parents, often ensuring that the child will end up in poverty and with a broken life. It makes more sense for the parents to be the one to move if you think about it. What sense does it make for a child to donate their life so the parents won't have to move?

We do need to do what makes sense. If we can do it, then fine. But if we can't, then we have every right to say no and to look at other options.

My mother has told me that I owe her on a few occasions. However, my parents never cared for their own parents. Both of my parents were busy with their own lives, so weren't able to help with their parents' care. So really, telling me that I owe them doesn't mean anything to me, since I know they didn't feel they owed their parents. I don't feel I owe my mother. She was actually not a good mother. She does need help, though, and me being here makes sense. That could change soon, though, because her needs may be more than I can provide. That is going to be a very difficult day when it does happen, since she doesn't want to leave her home.

Wow! Some great thoughts here on the subject. It appears I'm not the only one pondering this question. Since I posted the discussion I should be clear about my situation. My parents are not full bore pressuring me to live with them at this point but as they decline mentally I'm starting to hear hints about it. It's a scary thing when you begin to realise that you can't care for yourself much longer. I have been very clear with my folks. They are not moving in with me and my wife and I'm not moving 600 miles to my boyhood home to live with them. I've approached the issue diplomatically and they both agree ( for now anyway) they don't want to be a burden. I am doing everthing possible to see that they are cared for in their home and will continue to do so when they go to assited living and/or memory care. Honestly, I never felt the least bit guilty about my care method until I began reading this site a while back and saw all the stories about people who give up everything, move in with the elders, move the elders in with them, move across the country etc. so I'm thinking am I a bad son for not doing all this? But after all the horror stories, I'm all better now . No guilt. I'm sticking with plan A.

Windyridge - You're not a bad son, not at all. I will say, though, that you're very lucky that you're married, and that your folks still are. If you were single, there would be a lot more pressure on you to relocate. If you had only one surviving parent, there would be a lot more pressure to take him/her in. You're also lucky that they have the resources to be taken care of in their home without you there. It is difficult when the parent has no funds but needs help. Then one (or more) of the adult children is invariably roped in to meeting the parent's needs.

It is much easier not to become the hands-on caregiver (or chore fairy, as in my case) if the parent has other options. And much easier not to feel guilty about declining to help if it doesn't fit into your plans.

I remember back when I grumbled to a co-worker about driving my parents everywhere.... she, of course, said for me to remember how much driving my parents did for me when I was a child.... I quickly needed a come back to that and said "well, yes, but my parents weren't in their mid-60's when I was a child, big difference".

My Dad uses the guilt trip when he can't get me to drive him to Home Depot so he can roam the aisles for two hours and when check-out comes all he has is a light bulb in his cart. In the mean time, I am thinking I could have done two loads of wash... this trip is costing me time.

I honestly believe our parents still see us as "children" in our 20's who have a lot of energy and can go for 24 hours a day. We have seniors taking care of seniors. I believe my generation will not see our 80's and 90's because of stress related health issues... boy, I have some dozes.

You know, freqflyer, I don't believe my parents did nearly as much driving for me as I am now doing for my mother. I didn't demand to go to two different grocery stores each week, the library at least once a week, haircut appointments, stop for prescriptions, take-out food, plus numerous doctors' appointments. When I was a kid, my mother didn't even have a car. My father took the family car to work each day.

We were not chauffeured around the way it seems some kids are these days. We walked to school and to our friends' houses, and went shopping with our parents once in a while at their convenience. My parents took us to church each Sunday, and for family outings once or twice a month. That's it. I remember driving in my friends' parents cars at least as often as my own parents. That's the way it was back then.

If every child turned around and gave up their life and family to take care of elders, how would the human race go on? Maybe it is just this generation, where so many elders are ill and incapable but receiving enough medical care to keep them going; but we are in a bad spot if every one of us who has built a family and a career or life work must give it all up and have it all come to nothing at some point or else be labeled selfish and ungrateful. Human life is meant to be a pay-it-forward deal. Don't get me wrong - we all need to provide for our parents when they are in need, but where does the expectation come from that you must do it all yourself no matter what it costs you or anyone else?

I totally agree, vstefans. I recall a few years back reading some blurbs from a caregiving book where the author proclaimed that "We should be a nation of caregivers." He thought all elders should be taken care of at home by their families. p.s. this author was a doctor who cared for his mother with Alzheimer's at home with the help of round-the-clock nursing care. Easy for him to say, right?

My view is that there are many pursuits in life at least as worthy as, if not more worthy than, taking care of dependent parents. There are other life-goals at least as important as making the old ones comfortable. Those other things have to get done for the human race to survive and progress.

The problem is, the problem is only going to get worse, as we have more elderly people, and older elderly people, living for years in a dependent state and a shrinking base of younger people to take care of them. I pray we don't get to the point where we are literally forced to become a nation of caregivers because taking care of the elderly takes up all of everybody else's time.

Carla, you're right. In many ways I am lucky. My folks are still on their own in their home but barely. I call every day, make the 600 mile drive every few weeks and they have enough money to stay out of medicaid for awhile. I'm the only surviving kid so it's all up to me and to be honest, it was all up to me when my sibs were still living. Sadly, they were more of a burden than elder care. the discussion about driving is interesting. My mom did a lot of driving to various practices and games, but we got rides with friends, other parents, and even hitchhiked a lot . (Can you imagine!). But it was nothing like the demands that elders put on kids for all the appointments. I don't know how caregivers who are still working can possibly pull it off. And it's so hard on old folks to get ready, get in the car, sit in the waiting room for God knows how long, only to see the doc, or assistant, for 30 seconds and leave with a renewed script that they probably don't need any how. To me this is all the more reason to get folks in a decent facility as it will cut down on some of the travel to appointments, beauty shop, grocery, drug store, etc.

Yep, we grew up as "free range" kids back in our era :) We ran the neighborhoods a half mile to a mile radius, and I use to ride my bike everywhere. Walked to school for the whole 12 years, and those were long treks, uphill both ways in knee deep snow :P

Come to think of it, now that I think back, my parents didn't drive me that much, either, on my request. So the quota of "driving" really has been used up a couple of years ago... ok, folks, you are on your own now ;)

How I wished my parents would have moved into that nice retirement village... that would cut down on driving them as the village has it's own barber shop, doctor's office, bank branch, gift shop, and transportation to the grocery store.

My gosh, I could have quality time with my parents instead of errand and unloading groceries time. I don't have the energy or time to just sit a spell and chat with them.

This is such a good discussion. I have wondered at the sense of entitlement to care from a child that we see in many people. My mother has that sense of entitlement for her and her sisters. She thought it right that my niece gave 15 years of her life to care for her mother. She criticized my SIL for not taking another one of the sisters into their home. (Strange that she didn't criticize my cousin, but criticized his wife instead. And strange she did not criticize herself for taking her in herself.) She thinks that I owe her to provide care. Where this type of thinking comes from, I don't know. Neither she nor her sisters helped with their parents. One brother that lived near the parents did all the caregiving.

My mother didn't drive and had a terrible problem with her nerves, so she never went anywhere or did anything with us. We walked everywhere or caught rides with friends. My father was not involved with the children at all. We learned to leave him alone and not ask for anything. My mother and I would take a bus once a year when I was young to buy clothes for school. That stopped when I got to be a teenager. There were a couple of years I had no clothes and wore my brother's surf shirts. My mother had become so neglectful that I don't think she even noticed anything that was going on. So I started working a little and babysitting, so I could buy some things for myself. We were not poor and food was always available in abundance. But Dad was emotionally not there and Mom was lost to "her nerves."

So do I owe them anything. Nope. Paid in full at birth. The only reason I am here is that it makes sense for everyone involved. It is certainly not the way I envisioned spending my golden years, though. Where is all that fun we're supposed to be having?

Flyer, your comment about the amenities in the nursing home caught my attention. If I recall your situation we are in similar positions with our folks clinging on in their homes, I've been looking at facilities in their area and some are amazing. You walk into the beautiful lobby, chandeliers, fancy sofas, the grand piano, all the cute little shops, the shuttle to the mall etc. Hells bells! I'm gonna sell the house and car and move in this joint!! But the fancy ones are crazy expensive. And Jessie, that is a very honest summation of your situation and attitude. I agree. None of us are caregivers by choice. I didn't wake up on my 60th birthday and say "Hey Hon! Can't wait to go down and get the POA from dad and find where he hid all the money!" We do it for basic reasons . For me, I'm all there is for my folks and there is a sense of duty ingrained in all of us I think. I've resigned myself to being available and careing for my parents, but not to the point of giving up my life and sanity.

yeah... "You owe us because we had you."
"oh, have a kiiiid, who will take care of you when you're old?''
Ha, what a load of crapola.
It is said politicians hide behind the flag, the bible, and the children.
What I see is a looooot of people everywhere just hiding behind children, and using them as pawns for their own desires.
No good solutions imo. Just endure.

I wonder what the causes are that some elders refuse to leave their homes. I imagine for some it is the money needed for IL or AL. For my parents, it was because they didn't like to be around other people. Their home was their safe place away from the world.

My folks love their grubby little house, it's all they've ever known. "Well what will happen to the house if you make us go to a nursing home!?" And, "we can't spend that kind of money for a nursing home! That money is your inheritance!" No amount of reassurance will get my Mom off this. So I'm waiting it out till we have no other choice. And I forgot, " I don't want anybody in my house. Those people will steal you blind!" Yes, crackhead theives are going to want my baby pictures. They might take the HUGE big screen tv and get a quick50 bucks but that's about it. Where my folks live in rural WV theres a murder about every 30 years, but they watch the crash and burn if it bleeds it leads news every day and are just certain they will be attacked at any minute.

Windyridge, I can't stop laughing at your postings :) I know we need to find some humor in this crazy journey to keep us somewhat sane. Yep, your parents and my parents are very similar. It will take a team of horses, a 100 year flood, and a case of dynamite to get them out of their house.

As for that 5-start resort type retirement home, I have my eye on the place... in fact, I am starting to downsizing my "stuff" [as George Carlin would call it]... chances are very good that I will be living in that retirement village long before my parents will.

My parents won't part with their money, either, to hire help... I plan to hire a cleaning service for myself as I just don't have the energy to do it any more, and I will take my chances that the cleaning staff will take anything as I have been so fugal that I don't have anything made in the 21st century :P Oops, wait a minute, I am beginning to sound like my parents !!

Your choices need to be made, before you are 80+ and ill. We sort of have the reverse in our family. One daughter is 66 and a widow. She just lost her son. She wants to go to an AL. Her mom told her that is for old people.

You must live in the Now" Tomorrow is blank check!

My mother lived with me for 26 years until I could no longer care for her at home. I have absolutely no regrets about placing her in assisted living. I was lucky that her Social Security and the VA Pension cover almost all of her room and board.

She was mad at me, because I should have taken care of her like she took care of me all those years. However, she does not remember that she went everywhere with us during those years--the movies, dinners, and even vacations. We ran to the store when she could not get out anymore. One time she sent my husband to Walmart, he came home with the purchases. Then she handed him another list for Target. He was so patient with her.

A year ago she entered Hospice Comfort Care. It was the best thing for her since she is now on the downward spiral at 97 1/2. I still visit her and make sure all her needs are met. I did the best I could in providing care for her. This is the first time that my husband and I have been totally alone.

I think part of what is going on is that this is a generation that saw the horrors of the depression as young children and how awful it was for the elderly (so the fear of NHs was burned into their brains at an impressionable time). At the same time, they benefitted greatly from both the overall economic expansion, generous pensions, and programs like Social Security and Medicare, so they got used to ‘someone else’ being responsible for the bill.

They also benefitted from all the medical advances over this generation that made it possible to live much longer with chronic, lingering illnesses that used to kill people more quickly. In many cases, THEIR parents died earlier, in their 60s and 70s, and they tended to die rather quickly, so our parents often didn’t provide elder care to their own parents. Mom or dad just passed away one day at home, or if they went in the hospital or NH, it was a short stay before passing.

Now it is possible to live much longer with chronic illnesses, but at a far more reduced physical capability. So that means they WILL need help, and for a longer time than their own parents’ generation generally did. But they developed this expectation and sense of entitlement as to their own elder years. And apparently, that’s where we come in!

My parents are active octogenarians, but have lately been dropping hints – saying how they MEANT for one of their parents to come live with them, but that parent declined (how convenient…..), and how nice it is that one friend has a daughter that lives with her mom. My parents have a HUGE house (several times bigger than DH and mine’s, BTW) with lots of stairs, full of furniture and stuff, way, way too much stuff for them, but I don’t think they have given serious thought to actually, say, CHANGING THEIR LIFESTYLE TO FIT THEIR MORE REDUCED CAPABILITIES. Sorry, did I just shout there?

I think they truly expect that one of their children will come riding to their rescue to help them so they can stay in that huge house rather than changing anything in their lovely life. They have been very fortunate in that they saved and invested well and are in good health, but we all know things can change in an instant.

And so here we all are, many of us in our 50s and 60s, with this looming catastrophe ahead. I fear the only thing that will change my situation is if one of them becomes seriously ill or dies. And then, because they made no changes over the years, the parent left will be completely unprepared to handle the house by his or herself. They could be making these changes now, when they’re healthy and of sound mind, able to sort through everything and disburse it how they want, and to redefine life so they can remain independent longer, gradually paying people to do things as they need to.

But why do that when you could have a servant living in your own home, who would give up their own life and do that for free? ;-) The trouble with starting down the hands-on eldercare road is that, unlike raising children, it is a DOWNWARD slippery slope. Once you start, you will gradually take on more and more, and the elder will likely assume that’s how it will always be and will never accept going somewhere like AL or paying someone to come to the home. It robs you of your own life and just sets them up for a far more difficult transition down the road.

Tesoro, if I could "like" your post 10 times over, I would. Yes! Yes! Yes! You hit the nail right on the head!

It became clear to me almost from the outset that my mother did not intend to give up anything, and didn't feel she should have to. It made more sense to her to have me come over every day to walk her dog and take her trash out than to park her motorized wheelchair near the door so she could do those things herself. The wheelchair near the door looked "gauche" - it didn't blend with her décor!!! I'm not kidding!!! And yes, once you start doing anything for them, they just add on and on as they lose more abilities, thinking that's how it should be after all. My mother also claimed she would have been "glad" to take care of her own "wonderful" mother, had the need arisen. Like hello!!! She spent 20 years in retirement gallivanting around the country in her RV and going to non-stop social events - I can't imagine she would have allowed her mother to interfere with that.

When we talked about moving Mom closer to my two older sisters so she'd have more of us to help her, she shocked me by saying "I want to buy a house." When I asked why, she said "I've never lived in a place that I didn't own." I'm like "Really, you're almost 80 years old, and you think another house is a good idea for you?" Never mind that she didn't have any money for a down payment - that money ultimately came out of my 401(k). (Unfortunately there were no pet-friendly handicapped-accessible rentals in the area, so she ended up getting her ridiculous wish!)

I did assume that, given my mother's own free-wheeling history, that she would reach the point of realizing that her needs were cutting into her children's lives too much, and she would voluntarily scale back. Hasn't happened yet. In fact, when I raised the idea of assisted living with her years ago, her reaction was to break down crying.

I did live in my mother's house for a while. (I am co-owner, after all). I moved out after a few months because her expectations grew to unmanageable proportions. Home-cooked meals every night, and all she had to do was plant her butt in the chair and get up when she finished eating. That got old fast, for me. Couldn't enter or leave the house without her trying to tack some chore or errand onto whatever I was planning to do. Never again!

At least you see the issue coming and you can prepare yourself mentally, maybe even get a game plan together with your siblings. We were not so foresighted. I have often said that the problem with caregiving is that, by the time you get your feet under you, you're in it up to your neck. You seem to have avoided that outcome, so you're ahead of the game already. Yay you!!!

Tesoro12, BINGO !!

Oh how I wished my parents would have downsized while Mom still had half her eyesight.... now it would be unfair to have them move because Mom knows her way around her kitchen, and around their house... for her to learn a new floorplan/kitchen would be impossible at 97. But crying out loud, why didn't they plan ahead for that? Did Dad think Mom's eyesight would improve? HELLO. Guess I should be lucky they planned their financial retirement well.

I also believe our elders are glued to their homes because all their siblings did the same thing, their parents did the same, their grandparents did the same thing. I believe the baby boomers are the generation that will be flooding the retirement villages at 55+. I know where I live, we have numerous 55+ community springing up everywhere, and selling out quickly.

Here my parents are in their mid-90's... Dad should be enjoying the retirement village swimming pool instead of trying to balance himself on his cane to spray weed killer on his lawn.... and trying to shovel a large double wide driveway just in case there is an emergency and he needs to get their car out.... [sigh]. I planned ahead when it came to my large driveway, I bought a Jeep, no need to shovel :)

With elders living longer and longer... I know my Dad said he never thought he and Mom would live this long [excuse me, Dad's Mom lived to be 91, and Mom had a sister who lived to be 100]. Anyway, it won't be the grown children taking care of their 105 year old parent, but it will be the grown grandchildren taking care of their 105 year old grandparents and 85 year old parents. So look at that sweet 5 year old grandchild and think she will be stopping her life to care for us.

My husband and I have one child a high functioning autistic. I will be grateful for him to care for himself with some support (slow launch). My parents are both dead and my grandparents as well. His parents moved to be near his brother and him after a series of health problems. I borrowed FFs Not Julie the Cruise Director comment. I have my own health issues taken care of with NO help from in-laws. Ok now but I have told husband that he and BIL will organize care. This has been a source of strife but I have obligation to son, not the narcissistic in-laws who insisted on buying a house 60 miles away.

Tesoro, great post! My mom would have died 15 years ago had it not been for the miracles of modern medicene. Every day there's another life saving life extending drug or procedure coming out. Will they just quit already! But I think at some point the survival instinct takes over and you subject yourself ( or are subjected to) the med doc magic. The parents of the boomers and many of us boomers, are the first generations of better living through chemistry life style. To my folks the doctors are gods and you do what you told without question, just take yet another pill, don't exercise, lose weight, or quit eating junk, or change your lifestyle. Can't pee? Take this. Pee too much? Take that. Been a lazy fat pig your whole life? Take all kinds of stuff for that and still live to be 98 while the staff at the home try to move your 300 lb demented butt around. Now I'm ranting...see what you guys have done......got me all stirred up..........

Tesoro also pointed out how bad the first nursing homes were in the 50's, 60's and 70's,... I can remember how bad they smelled and how sterile and sad they were. All people our parents age think they are still like that.

Loved the better living through chemistry thing!!! woohoo....it is true. Before going into the hospital, my dad was a shriveled up grey shell, looking like death warmed over....now he has 11 different drugs in him helping him have the strength to issue orders and spew hate at lightning speed. When I asked the social worker if they could consider something to calm him, they seemed undignified and sniffed.."we do not do chemical restraints".....well we can "chemical" everything else!! :)

There's a % of people relocating, moving in, giving up their jobs, etc, etc, etc, who are there with their parents and living with them as children -- not caretakers.

Giving up one's job at 40 (whatever), moving in and becoming dependent on their senior parent(s) in return for keeping them company and running errands is unhealthy. Dragging one's family along for that ride is unconscionable.

Amongst the thousands of posts on this site dwell some selfish people who think no one can read between their lines. Many of us can do just that.

You aren't selfish. You're healthy. Stay the course.

Maggie, that's an interesting point. I wonder about some of these posts too, they can seem a little suspect, and in some cases the writer is honest about financial circumstances that caused them to be a live in caregiver. Regardless of the intentions I agree with you, it's not an ideal situation. Theres certainly some selfish scumbags out there but think about what has happened to our economy in the last 20 years. It ain't like the old days, dad went to work, had bennies and a pension, paid off a house, kids went to college. In our new Walmart economy young people can work 3 jobs and still not pay rent, so we do end up with generations living on top of each other.