Parents who use guilt trip, "I took care of you for all those years and supported you now you have to take care of me!"

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Big difference. Yes kids are a huge handful, can be a nightmare and put you in the poor house, but normal families (I've heard there are actually some out there) raising kids is fairly routine. Kids get smarter, learn good judgement, take care of themselves go away and support themselves. Elders who are failing physically and mentally are going the opposite direction. I'd take the terrible twos any day over dementia and dying. Should we be expected to return our parents child raising work with total devotion to their elder care? No nursing home? Gotta live with them or they with you?

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If you're pretty busy, you can explain if you have a job for starters and kids to care for. You can also explain that not everyone is cut out for caregiving
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Graygirl, it would be totally unprofessional for the caregivers at the facility to say that about you. I suspect your mother said it to them and they listened without saying a word. You aren't doing anything wrong. Your mother is receiving the care she needs. I have a feeling that it would be a mistake to move her into your home. Her personality sounds like a difficult one that would make your home an unhappy one. IMO, it is better to arrange for her care in an AL facility. Guilt can push us into doing things that is bad for everyone involved. Your mother and you will be able to live more independently if she is in AL.
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Hang on in there, Graygirl. So your mother's been in the facility for less than a week, yes? And it's only two months since her stroke - essentially, you and your mother are both in the very early stages of a huge adjustment and there is bound to be emotional turmoil. None of this is your fault!

You've done really well for a start to organise the respite stay, it's the ideal half-way house for her while you get your head round everything that's been going on, what's changed, and what's best for next steps.

If you'd been independent and then had a stroke that landed you in a care facility, you'd be angry and depressed and lost too - your mother's venting, basically, and I'd take her interpretation of what the caregivers are saying about you with a very large pinch of salt. But even if you could magically move her to your home she'd still have had a stroke, she'd still be feeling terrible, she'd still be angry and depressed, and she'd still have lost her independence. Upending your life is not going to improve hers, is the point. So don't do that :)

Of course you want your mother to be comfortable and happy, but the saddest thing of all is that no matter how much you want that it doesn't mean you can make it happen. But you are Not Guilty - you didn't do any of this, and you can't cure it.

For now, just give it time. It can take months for the immediate effects of a stroke to ease off and you may find your mother very, very gradually improves over the next few weeks anyway or, if not, that her doctors can consider medications to balance her mood. If I were you I'd be talking to the facility now about repeat extensions to her respite stay so that you don't have to make final decisions under pressure. Is she all right financially? Do you need to organise Medicaid or anything? Is all the paperwork under control?
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Graygirl - you don't need to feel guilty. You're not doing anything to her - the stroke is what damaged her, not you. Your mother's expectations are unrealistic. She didn't live with you before the stroke (I'm guessing since you said your house isn't big enough) and there's no reason for her to expect that you would move to accommodate her needs now.

I'm curious though - what is the plan for her after the 30 day respite? Stay in assisted living? Go back to her own home, with an aide?
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My Mom had a stroke 2 months ago and has been in rehab the last 55 days. She is doing a 30 day respite visit in an assisted living facility but is fighting it choosing not to engage in the activities because she thinks every one there is old and she's not even though she is 83. She is not dealing with losing her independence well at all. She is so angry and puts a guilt trip on me every chance she gets by saying her sitter or nurse says they can't believe I would do this to her I work 3 part time jobs and still have a teenager at home plus a husband. My house is not big enough for her to move in or handicap accessible I am eaten up with guilt because I don't want to sale my home which is paid for to buy one big enough for her plus she would have to have a sitter 24/7. She's been diagnosed with dementia along with effects of stroke. I feel like my life is over can't release the guilt.
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Crouded, I looked after my son's girlfriend's 5 y.o. daughter today, from 7am til 6pm, im 55 y.o., and while the little girl is a total sweetie, I'm exhausted! I really don't know how you are going to keep up as both oldie and we one continue to grow old at a rapid rate! I'm thinking of you, as it going to get tough! My FIL, had a pressure sore on his backside, ya, great fun, my husband would have nothing to do with it, and being a retired Medical Assistant, I was the one "assigned" to do the twice daily bandage dressings as wel as the twice weekly trips o the wound care specialist, great fun! It only gets harder as time goes on. FIL, is a stubborn cuss, who always waits too late when things get bad to address things, like Rx refills requiring Dr approval, and medical issues that could have been nipped in the bud. I'm tired tonight,! Hang in there!
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Stacey, thanks. I will tell you all what his father and my husband told me once. They told me his dad use to bathe his mother in law when she needed help. I told my husband, I sure hope you two are trying not to guilt me into it because I am not there yet and not going to bathe your dad, sorry honey. I will bathe my husband, not his dad. I am sure my husband grandmother was embarrassed to no end if that was really the case.

Stacey, also if it ends up that I truly have health issues myself. I believe it is time for heart to heart with my husband about his dad staying here. I do feel like we are missing out, and have had private tears for just that because we couldn't do something. We are hoping he is up for our little girls birthday party soon. We decided to have it hosted at a place rather than home to take the stress off of me this time, but we know she will love it.

True me, you have said alot I have thought, I just keep a brave front.
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Stacey, thanks for a little bit of needed extra confidence that I am doing the right thing in insisting my father move to AL. I also wish I had found this site sooner, before I agreed for him to move in with me and my SO. I didn't expect it to be easy, but I never imagined the scope of the problems. And this while he still needs emotional support more than hands-on care. I am amazed by what some of the people here are able to do, just as I am amazed by how gently and effectively the AL staff treat their residents.
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No problem Windy, we all good 😊...hope I answered the questions okay too.
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Crouded, kudos to you for sticking by your husband, but in my experience, the "short term" can and probably will grow lengthy in caring for your FIL, as we have been doing for 11 years now. Yes the guilt, and carrot dangling goes on and on, and almost always pits you against your hubby, and with a small child afoot, must be grueling! I truly with all my heart, recommend that you don't let it carry on too long in Your home, as the years soon accumulate and your earning power and retirement planning will set you back so fast, as well as job potentials diminish the older you get, rendering you redundant in this fast paced world. There are really great senior facilities out there letting him be close to you, yet letting you get on with your own lives, as we only get one go around. I truly wish I had done this with my FIL, now wasting away in my own home. Things could have been so much different, if only! I also wish I had found this site back then as well, so much great information! Really, get on with your own lives! Its not fair to be guilt ed into giving up your lives to our parents, we didn't ask to be born, it was their choice to have us, and we must take a stand for what we want in our lives! At this point, I/we would love to downsize into a small condo, but can't because of a very ill thought out Promise, we Never should have made, and now really can't get out of. I never thought he would live this long. Food for thought!
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