Parents don't want me to talk to the doctors, advice?

Your mother is at the end of her life. Be there for her as a daughter. Let go of the things that can no longer be fixed. I hope she gets on hospice soon. Just be there and hold her hand.

We had a conference call with the doctor today, he recommends hospice and I hope that happens soon she is in pain

but she never settled her legal affairs and they can't do that when she is in hospice.

I asked her to do this months ago, I begged her and she couldn't deal with it and here we are.

She can't deal with anything she never has been able to

My mother and sister and father don't want me to be POA.

My family makes me sick :(:(

I have to walk away

I keep saying I am going to but I keep going back.

Ugh can I go back to my life before this? It wasn't great but it didn't rip my heart out

/self pity off

I called him thank you all

He is ordering a cat scan for my mom and they are also doing bloodwork

I have to go to the hospital to meet her at her scan appt, she is taking a van. I have to meet her at the hospital

This situation sounds dire. Your mother is very sick. It sounds like she has advanced cancer. You need to call the oncologist to find out your mother's condition and prognosis. I would put hospice in place ASAP. Your parents are in denial at how bad the situation is. But you need to get involved. Now.

"Organ failure" means that all the vital organs--heart, lungs, liver--are becoming non-functional due to the damage caused by the cancer.

It sounds as though your mom is pretty close to death. I hope and pray that the nursing home doc has the wherewithal to prescribe the sorts of meds that hospice would ordinarily supply to ease her pain and agitation at the end.

(((Hugs)))

ETA: Are you medical POA? I would use it to bring in hospice for an evaluation. They may be better able to talk to mom about the benefits.

Thank you all.

Calling the doctor is a mess waiting and waiting and waiting. It seems so cruel :(

he did finally call yay

The nursing home said her organs are failing, her cancer doctor says he needs more info and he never heard from the nursing home but I was there and they said they called him twice

next step is a scan but it doesn't look good for her but she refuses hospice and wants to know what organs are failing that have nothing to do with the cancer

he says blood tests will give a lot of info but he still recommends hospice

She just wants to know what is failing and what isn't, why is that so hard?

All doctors have patient portals that you can contact them through without your parents knowing.
If your parents don't have one set up you can set one up using their information. I had to set one up under my late husbands name, so I could contact his doctors prior to any of his appointments so they could know exactly what was going on and were better prepared.

And like already mentioned I would call and get hospice involved too. You can contact them yourself and they will come out and do an evaluation on your mother to see if she qualifies for their help.
I'm guessing she will, and hospice will supply all needed equipment, supplies and medications, plus a nurse to come out once a week to start and aides to come bathe her at least twice a week, all covered 100% under your mothers Medicare.

This is what I found helpful. You call the clinic and let them know you have concerns about your mom/father's health that the Dr is unaware of. That they will not share any of their health issues that are concerning. Also that you can't bring it up at the appt with them in the room, as they will get mad. Ask how you can submit a letter to have the DR or PA to read prior to coming into the room for his/her scheduled appointment. Let the DR know if they can address him/her in a way that won't bring attention to you saying something or to disclose how the DR knows there are issues. I have done this with my FIL and it has worked very well.

Do you have POA for Medical? If not all you can do is call the Doctor. Maybe he isn't involved because Mom refuses to believe she has cancer or even Dad. Write that letter telling the doctor you realize that he can't give u information but you need to make him/her aware of the situation. Especially concerning Dad and the possibility of Dementia and Mom not getting the care needed. Ask that he call you. Deliver it directly.

I would try and get Hospice on board. Talk to the ALs head Nurse. Maybe you can bring them in as someone just checking on her. The AL nurse can give her any medication Hospice provides. Morphine is one used for pain and ease of breathing. Maybe when they are there, someone can take Dad to the common area or out for a walk.

Mary, I don't understand with a deaf and possibly not completely competent Dad that the doctor is not discussing your Mom's case with a competent family member as next of kin.

Time to contact Social Services with the next hospitalization.

It sounds as though treatment (for cancer?) isn't going well for your Mom. The wasting would indicate that. Without someone in charge here there is no chance of honest discussion and hospice care. However, your father does, if at all competent, remain the lion at the gate if your mother has nothing to say.

And can I ask, Mary, where IS your mother in all this. What does she have to say. How badly does she want to fight? Does she want you to be her MPOA or not? Does she want Hospice? Does she want you to receive her medical information.

Because for me, it is your Mother who seems to be missing in this equation, and SHE IS THE PATIENT. You DO say that your "parentS get hysterical" when you say you will call the doctor. Does that mean your MOTHER? Because, honestly, if your MOTHER doesn't want you calling the doc then you need to honor her wishes absolutely.

Have your parents sit at the table and call that doc on speaker phone (you will probably need to schedule this call in advance). Because your parents are present on the call, you will be permitted to hear their private medical info (HIPAA). And, you can ask all the questions they don't plus they will hear answers directly from the doc.

Or, you can send a note to the oncologist explaining that your Dad is hard of hearing and also may now be cognitively impaired, and that you're trying to help manage your Mom's care in his stead.

Docs can give guidance but they can't make or force patients to follow any of it. An oncologist once told my husband that most cancer patients die of malnutrition. If your Dad isn't coaxing your Mom to eat, and/or your Mom is refusing... how is this the doctor's fault?

Or, consider hospice care for your Mom. I think her doctor needs to order this for her.

I'm sorry everyone is suffering in this situation. May you receive peace in your heart during this journey.

Although I was one of my mom's health care proxies, she was always concerned about being a "good patient"--one who never asked questions or challenged the idea that "doctor knows best".

I realized that this wasn't serving my mother's interests well when ay age 65, she had her FIRST mammogram ( they discovered a lump and it was cancer. She only lost one breast).

When I asked her why she hadn't been getting mammograms since age 50 (that was the recommendation at the time) she said "If my doctor thought I needed one he would have told me."

Mom was appalled at my questioning of her doctors. She thought she would get worse care. She didn't.

Call the oncologist with your concerns and report your mom's condition.

Ask especially if it's time for hospice.

Just call the doctor. You are an adult with legitimate concerns, and you do not have to obey orders! Understand that the doctor can listen to you, may ask you questions, and may take into account what you say, but WON’T be able to discuss or share information about your parents if they have not authorised it. You don't need to tell your parents that you have called, although they may find out from the doctor.