Parenting your parents.

Follow
Share

Pissed off, pissed on and fed up.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
20

Comments

Show:
It's tough. if her home is next door. If not, I would STOP NOW. No question.
(0)
Report

Millieannie, if you've been reading posts here long you've probably come across statementa like this. You can control your own behavior. Your husband can control his behavior. Neither of you can control your mother's behavior.

She has you doing "anything and everything." Why do you choose to continue to do that? Because it is a choice, you know. You are no longer 9 years old and mother is no longer in charge of your actions. Why is your husband maintaining her 5 acres? Why aren't you doing everything in your power to discourage him from risking his health in that way? Of course your mother does not care that he is short of breath. But I assume that you care. Why are you letting this sad state of affairs continue?

Your brother made a choice not to be responsible for her 5 acres. You can make that choice, too. Mom, here is a list of lawn care services in the area. Hubby will not be mowing your property any more. I'd be glad to help you call and get estimates, or you are welcome to make your own arrangements. But we are retiring from extra lawn care." She'll throw a fit. So? She'll refuse to bring in a service. So then her property will start to look untidy. Not Your Problem.

She doesn't like the ax murderer you found for her? OK, she can find someone herself. But that someone isn't going to be you -- unless you choose for it to be you, in which case, you know who to blame.

I think it is time to get out from under Mommy's thumb. And definitely time to pull Hubby out from under her thumb.
(1)
Report

My mother wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She thinks that neighbors should help. No such thing anymore. She has us doing anything and everything. My poor husband is trying to keep 5 acres of land mowed and cared for without any help from my brother. My husband is not well. He has had 2 heart attacks and is very short of breath. Do you think she cares....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. It is all about her. the other day she decided she was going to throw a fit and there was no one to throw it on but me. She was whining about not having any help and she has so much to do. She sits on her behind all the time. Cooks a little and that is it. I had found someone to come in. You would have thought the girl was an ax murderer. She downed her to no end.
(0)
Report

Thanks to dmwillis and jeannegibbs this discussion made out AgingCare.com Facebook page. Check it out, like it, and share it with your friends and family members!!! http://www.facebook.com/AgingCare
(0)
Report

I am amazed at the stories I read of the number of Seniors with alzheimer's. I help take care of my father in a nursing home with alzheimers and a brain tumor. He is very appreciative for the most part of what I am doing for him. He gets agitated easily when he is tired and I am trying to help him take care of his teeth. He also can be a real joy to talk too. I am grateful that he is still alive today. I have to remember that each day is a gift. The frustrating thing is working with the nurses to ensure his eye and foot care during the lunch period. I have to constantly be reminding them to take care of this. I have discovered that his CNA will help me in this to ensure that these things are requested. I also take care of mom at home. She is a sweet person. She has a sense of humor and will make you laugh. It was so good to laugh together. Laughter is the best medicine. She can be stubborn to get things done. How do you help someone who is stubborn to achieve task that need to be done that day? Should I just do it myself and not expect my mom to do much? What is the thought about putting the house and car in a trust? Advice would be appreciated
(1)
Report

Such a good and honest post. It is such a struggle to give up our own lives as caregivers and to keep focused on our parents needs and not our own. I know when my time comes, I may not have anyone to care for me as I do my Mother, but I want the end of her life to be the best I can give. I don't expect anything back. She is in a nursing home, and I hear comments everyday from friends and family that I don't need to visit her everyday or do what I do for her...but I will say this, she is my Mother and this is the most difficult time in her life, this boils down to the purest of love because the outcome is not going to be good, and there are few rewards, so love is all you have. I think our society is a throw away society and when people get old too many are forgotten (I see it everyday). Nursing homes have improved considerably, but they still have a long way to go. The staff is often underpaid and understaffed, but I just don't know the answer except the family has to step up to the plate and fill in the gaps in the care rather then just complain. Yes, you have to almost be a parent to your parent - it is about the cycle of life. It is more difficult if your parent was not good to you, as is sometimes the case - but live your own values, not your parents, as this is the one time it is about you - and what you are made of - not about what they didn't do for you..
(2)
Report

You are correct,however by really looking at the care medications and life style you have put yourself and your parent in,alot can be changed.My father was on alot of medications when I brought him down to live with me and he is on about 75% less now and has regained memory,speach and is alot more with it.I am keeping a small journal so i can track what has worked,I just might need it for myself someday.I figure if he has it I might get it too.so.I went and the tests done.If I pay attention now,maybe I won't go thru the hell or put someone else thru the hell we are all going thru.
(0)
Report

Caregiving is not the same as parenting. I know that there are some aspects of taking care of an elderly impaired person that seem similar to taking care of an infant or young child. Hand-feeding, toileting issues, frequent sleep disruptions, help dressing, making decisions from how to dress for the weather to when to go to the doctor -- lots and lots of things seem similar.

But the hugely significant differece is the prognosis and the outcome. As parents, it is our job to work ourselves out of a job. Even as we are changing diapers we know that next will come potty training (which we might not be looking forward to) and then that issue will pretty much be behind us. When we pick our toddler up from the floor for the fourth time in a half an hour we know this is all part of learning to walk, and there isn't much risk of injury. We want our children to learn to make good decisions for themselves, and we work at sharing our values and not just telling them what to do, but teaching them. Piece by piece we see them becoming more and more independent. It can be a little sad, but it is also a great source of pride for us. It is a lot of work, and some heartache, but ultimately we will be rewarded with years and years of a mature relationship with adults we enjoy.

The rewards of caregiving have to be in the moment. There is no new and improved future to look forward to. Our parents health will probably get worse. Their needs and their dependence will probably increase. And then they'll die. The pride and pleasure we get from caregiving has to be in the here and now -- in knowing we've eased the way a bit today, we've prevented a serious injury, we've given comfort where there was anxiety. There are no graduations, no weddings, no job promotions, no milestones to celebrate and mark the milestones of this life we are influencing.

If caregiving a parent were truly like parenting, the stresses would be balanced by the progress and eventual happy outcome. Sadly, caregiving is an entirely different experience.
(5)
Report

most hospitals have support groups for us.Call the hospitals in your area,the women crisis line,if you have health insurance,look and see if they have a prevenative care portion you might be able to hooh into.Talk to your parents doctor and ask if they have any literature.I am learning how to build bird houses.Amazing what hitting a nail into a board can do for your mental well being and at the end I can enjoy another pretty bird.
(0)
Report

I was just surfing the net, looking for a counselor in my area to vent to... this thread has helped me tremendously.... so true... also, "2 parents raising dozen kids yet dozen kids can't raise 2 parents"... so true... I cant believe people even think that "oh my parents raised me so I owe it to them"! No one has any clue until you experience it yourself...

My kids are going back to college in next couple of weeks and im starting to feel so anxious about it because Im going to be back the way I felt in April and May. I'm not blaming my kids... I want them to go back and not feel one iota of guilt about it... but... I better get back to finding that counselor!
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions