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Pissed off, pissed on and fed up.

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It's tough. if her home is next door. If not, I would STOP NOW. No question.
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Millieannie, if you've been reading posts here long you've probably come across statementa like this. You can control your own behavior. Your husband can control his behavior. Neither of you can control your mother's behavior.

She has you doing "anything and everything." Why do you choose to continue to do that? Because it is a choice, you know. You are no longer 9 years old and mother is no longer in charge of your actions. Why is your husband maintaining her 5 acres? Why aren't you doing everything in your power to discourage him from risking his health in that way? Of course your mother does not care that he is short of breath. But I assume that you care. Why are you letting this sad state of affairs continue?

Your brother made a choice not to be responsible for her 5 acres. You can make that choice, too. Mom, here is a list of lawn care services in the area. Hubby will not be mowing your property any more. I'd be glad to help you call and get estimates, or you are welcome to make your own arrangements. But we are retiring from extra lawn care." She'll throw a fit. So? She'll refuse to bring in a service. So then her property will start to look untidy. Not Your Problem.

She doesn't like the ax murderer you found for her? OK, she can find someone herself. But that someone isn't going to be you -- unless you choose for it to be you, in which case, you know who to blame.

I think it is time to get out from under Mommy's thumb. And definitely time to pull Hubby out from under her thumb.
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My mother wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She thinks that neighbors should help. No such thing anymore. She has us doing anything and everything. My poor husband is trying to keep 5 acres of land mowed and cared for without any help from my brother. My husband is not well. He has had 2 heart attacks and is very short of breath. Do you think she cares....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. It is all about her. the other day she decided she was going to throw a fit and there was no one to throw it on but me. She was whining about not having any help and she has so much to do. She sits on her behind all the time. Cooks a little and that is it. I had found someone to come in. You would have thought the girl was an ax murderer. She downed her to no end.
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Thanks to dmwillis and jeannegibbs this discussion made out AgingCare.com Facebook page. Check it out, like it, and share it with your friends and family members!!! http://www.facebook.com/AgingCare
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I am amazed at the stories I read of the number of Seniors with alzheimer's. I help take care of my father in a nursing home with alzheimers and a brain tumor. He is very appreciative for the most part of what I am doing for him. He gets agitated easily when he is tired and I am trying to help him take care of his teeth. He also can be a real joy to talk too. I am grateful that he is still alive today. I have to remember that each day is a gift. The frustrating thing is working with the nurses to ensure his eye and foot care during the lunch period. I have to constantly be reminding them to take care of this. I have discovered that his CNA will help me in this to ensure that these things are requested. I also take care of mom at home. She is a sweet person. She has a sense of humor and will make you laugh. It was so good to laugh together. Laughter is the best medicine. She can be stubborn to get things done. How do you help someone who is stubborn to achieve task that need to be done that day? Should I just do it myself and not expect my mom to do much? What is the thought about putting the house and car in a trust? Advice would be appreciated
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Such a good and honest post. It is such a struggle to give up our own lives as caregivers and to keep focused on our parents needs and not our own. I know when my time comes, I may not have anyone to care for me as I do my Mother, but I want the end of her life to be the best I can give. I don't expect anything back. She is in a nursing home, and I hear comments everyday from friends and family that I don't need to visit her everyday or do what I do for her...but I will say this, she is my Mother and this is the most difficult time in her life, this boils down to the purest of love because the outcome is not going to be good, and there are few rewards, so love is all you have. I think our society is a throw away society and when people get old too many are forgotten (I see it everyday). Nursing homes have improved considerably, but they still have a long way to go. The staff is often underpaid and understaffed, but I just don't know the answer except the family has to step up to the plate and fill in the gaps in the care rather then just complain. Yes, you have to almost be a parent to your parent - it is about the cycle of life. It is more difficult if your parent was not good to you, as is sometimes the case - but live your own values, not your parents, as this is the one time it is about you - and what you are made of - not about what they didn't do for you..
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You are correct,however by really looking at the care medications and life style you have put yourself and your parent in,alot can be changed.My father was on alot of medications when I brought him down to live with me and he is on about 75% less now and has regained memory,speach and is alot more with it.I am keeping a small journal so i can track what has worked,I just might need it for myself someday.I figure if he has it I might get it too.so.I went and the tests done.If I pay attention now,maybe I won't go thru the hell or put someone else thru the hell we are all going thru.
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Caregiving is not the same as parenting. I know that there are some aspects of taking care of an elderly impaired person that seem similar to taking care of an infant or young child. Hand-feeding, toileting issues, frequent sleep disruptions, help dressing, making decisions from how to dress for the weather to when to go to the doctor -- lots and lots of things seem similar.

But the hugely significant differece is the prognosis and the outcome. As parents, it is our job to work ourselves out of a job. Even as we are changing diapers we know that next will come potty training (which we might not be looking forward to) and then that issue will pretty much be behind us. When we pick our toddler up from the floor for the fourth time in a half an hour we know this is all part of learning to walk, and there isn't much risk of injury. We want our children to learn to make good decisions for themselves, and we work at sharing our values and not just telling them what to do, but teaching them. Piece by piece we see them becoming more and more independent. It can be a little sad, but it is also a great source of pride for us. It is a lot of work, and some heartache, but ultimately we will be rewarded with years and years of a mature relationship with adults we enjoy.

The rewards of caregiving have to be in the moment. There is no new and improved future to look forward to. Our parents health will probably get worse. Their needs and their dependence will probably increase. And then they'll die. The pride and pleasure we get from caregiving has to be in the here and now -- in knowing we've eased the way a bit today, we've prevented a serious injury, we've given comfort where there was anxiety. There are no graduations, no weddings, no job promotions, no milestones to celebrate and mark the milestones of this life we are influencing.

If caregiving a parent were truly like parenting, the stresses would be balanced by the progress and eventual happy outcome. Sadly, caregiving is an entirely different experience.
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most hospitals have support groups for us.Call the hospitals in your area,the women crisis line,if you have health insurance,look and see if they have a prevenative care portion you might be able to hooh into.Talk to your parents doctor and ask if they have any literature.I am learning how to build bird houses.Amazing what hitting a nail into a board can do for your mental well being and at the end I can enjoy another pretty bird.
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I was just surfing the net, looking for a counselor in my area to vent to... this thread has helped me tremendously.... so true... also, "2 parents raising dozen kids yet dozen kids can't raise 2 parents"... so true... I cant believe people even think that "oh my parents raised me so I owe it to them"! No one has any clue until you experience it yourself...

My kids are going back to college in next couple of weeks and im starting to feel so anxious about it because Im going to be back the way I felt in April and May. I'm not blaming my kids... I want them to go back and not feel one iota of guilt about it... but... I better get back to finding that counselor!
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Guess I was just made this way. No matter what I cannot turn my back on my mother. She makes me blow up with the nonsense. But I am doing better. She was a great mom and I know she hates all this too. Very independent woman, she and my dad were really one. When he died in 2005, she just like slipped off the cliff. She still tries to be prim and proper. She tries to read her Bible. I think a lot of it would be better if she wore her hearing aids, but she doesn't think she needs them and can't hear a thing. She is OCD and takes to rubbing her neck till the skin is nasty red and bleeding. It all started with a little fatty tumor which she pulled off long ago. Doctor said nothing is wrong. But the clawing continues.
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This sounds trite, but it is true ! WITH A LOT OF PATIENCE AND PRAYER AND HELP FROM ANY AND EVERY AGENCY YOU CAN THINK OF.
If it is affecting your health and well being, then sit down with a counselor or another trusted individual and make the tough decisions.
BECAUSE NO ONE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU, BUT YOU!!!!!!
That's it PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blessings
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Caring for my parents is exhausting, rewarding, depressing, enlightening~~I could go on and on. It is THE HARDEST thing I have ever done (have been doing this for 10 yrs with no family support). Would I do it again?? HELL YES, IN A HOT SECOND
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It seems my own parent is my worst taskmaster!
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There is an old saying that goes somewhat like this "2 parents can raise a dozen kids; however, a dozen kids cannot take care of 2 parents". I have no real resentment toward my selfish and narcissistic sisters. The situation is what it is. I have to be the adult (the mean one doing the right thing) of the group and see that Mother's best interest is always the primary concern. It is just so darn frustrating dealing with 3 adult women. Mother and 2 sisters, who live in a dream world.
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I'm with Sarah123 completely. I will NEVER do to my kids what I have endured with my parents. I am planning for my own old age, if I make it! Caring for both parents, by myself, for the last three years, NO sibling support. Dealing with Alzheimer's, nasty dementia and all that come with it. Medicare, Medicaid filing, a self-medicating mother, incontinence, 5 surgeries, church, haircuts, groceries, meds, lawyers, the list goes on. But I was the only one of three kids even willing to try and help them. And now what? I'm exhausted, resentful and hate my siblings for performing the best disappearing act in centuries! So to all those beginning the caregiver life, THINK FIRST about how you are going to do this, who is REALLY going to help you before you get on the boat. Otherwise, you'll where we all are, ready to jump ship!
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This is good post. Yes I try to myself in my moms shoes. She is mentally ill and has dilusions about her present life daily. I have to careful of what I say when she is non compliant in taking her meds. She just threw them away the other day and I told hher i will put her in group home or convalescent home because I cant take it anymore! Im only 43. I need a life....And im waiting on a job to open up! Im in school for Project Management and I just received my MPA in health care services!
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I don't think you should keep on going. Why go through all this pain. There are ways to provide supports for a parent without doing it all yourself. I feel that a lot of kids do it out of guilt or because of a will. Not worth it. As for children getting older, learn from the mistakes our parents made or are making. Make investments, talk to your children about how you can be taken care of, and sign assets to those people you want early in old age before problems occur. Who says that children have to endure abuse from their parents? It doesn't have to be that way. I did everything for my parents and after my mom died, my verbally abusive dad cut ties with me because he didn't want me to control his life (has dementia and Alzheimer's). A lady took advantage of him and he let her manipulate him. There is no guarantee that what you do will be appreciated by anyone. Leave it to the professionals. I had power of attorney until the woman made him change it. If I could go back, I either wouldn't help and just visit, or I would have sold his home, put his assets in trust, and put him in a home where he could be cared for properly.
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Remarkable post! Thank you for giving me the courage and insight to "keep on keepin on"!!
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I realize,it is not easy to take care of an aging parent.I have a father with alzheimers and astep mother drug attict.To say the least,my hands get pretty full at times. confusion is part of the aging process and it is not easy for the parent either.Before you complain about all your horrible parents are doing to you,you might want to remember what you did to them. I get really pissed at times because I just know dad is being lazy and is not doing something because he knows I will just do it to get it done.Getting food down him uses up all my calories,sleeping more than an hour at a time is unheard of for the past few years.So yes I am tired all the time. Every day you have to start the same procedures all over again because they do not remember yesterday. SO what? That gives you another chance to try something new,that just might work.Get a calender,start a schedule that is consistant for you and them.Haircut,nails clipped, bath day,brush teeth ,think what you do for yourself and try to do the same for your parent. My father had an accident in his pants trying to get to the bathroom (just pee) the other day,so,I got some fresh clothes and changed him while he was sitting on the pot,wiped his legs off and put some lotion on them and then gave him a hot-warm wash cloth and it was like he had won the lottery. He doesn't have the balance to stand at the sink and wash off and he just is to scard to try it at this point. I do understand all the comments that are posted on this site and my heart goes out to each of you,more than you know. Please try to see things a little more through your parents eyes (not easy) and stop having the pity party for yourself.When you get there age (if your lucky) you will have plenty time and maybe someone like yourself will take care of you. What goes around,comes around. If you cannot take proper care of your parents,really look through every page of this web site and you will find all the answers for the help you need.Get in the phone book and start rooting around.call the foundation of whatever is wrong with your parent,ask the doctor for flyers and or phone numbers of people that can help. I have an egg timer that I put magic marker on the first 10 minutes. When I think I am going to say something I cannot take back,I set the timer to the 10 minutes,calmly say I am going to take an air break and go outside just to breath,watch a bird or just reboot my attitude.
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