Parent in nursing home or rehab, but you still have no peace...

Besides true mental illness there is not a disease that takes all that you have to keep going forward. I recently lost my Mom. This process took 10 years, I cared for her 7. Fact is, when you”re loved one stops eating, moving, you are getting close and yes, aspirating and pneumonia is common and also, what my Mom had. I am proud to have cared for my Mom in home from start to finish. Hospitals were a necessity only for her first UTI and her final pneumonia diagnosis when I brought my Mom home with hospice to die in the comfort and safety of her home. Hospitals are not equipped or have the man power to compassionately care for your Alzheimer’s parent or family member. Why is everyone looking for a respit when your parents are leaving you on every level. They are so scared and confused. How can you leave them in the care of strangers? I joined this site so late in her diagnosis, but there’s more whining then “What can I do?” Buck up people, it’s quite a ride. You want to return the love? Then use your love, honor and help your loved one in the only way you can...be there!!

Even though you can't always turn off your worry about loved ones in the nursing home you can at least reclaim a portion of your own life back, just being able to sleep through the night without being alert and listening for mom was invaluable. Giving up that control and learning to trust that they are OK in a facility is a process, it doesn't happen overnight, and unfortunately many people simply can't ever allow themselves to stop micromanaging.

Katie, I admire those like you who had the strength and courage to care for someone at home up to their final breath, when that was still part of my plan looking forward to her final days filled my with anxiety. I'm still anxious about losing her but I'm relieved to be sharing that burden with people who have been there many times before and knowing it is not all up to me alone.

My poor Mom went from walking hwith her walker to 2 weeks having a TRAMA procedure to remove a hematoma in her leg, then to a rehab, now bedridden under hospice care. I finally got her home yesterday . I feel your pain. Too much confusion an noise in a NH/Rehab. She has declined so quickly and it so very very difficult to watch. I am a controlling when it comes to her care, but when you walk in and she is hanging off the bed hollaring for help, it was unacceptable. The only night I left her over the last 2 weeks was when the was in TICU and Stepdown ICU. Hospice is there for medical support but you are still the one to do most of the work. Believe me, I did this with my Dad, although I had more physical freedom, NO REGRETS . It is a difficult process but I am thankful she is now at home in as much peace as she can be. Hang in there as best you can.

My Mom went to three different nursing homes for rehab. The first two were awful though rated 5 stars by Medicare. The third and final one was good and I trusted them to take care of my Mom though she declined steadily, and I finally took her into my home on hospice where she was bedridden and I did most of the care. I just couldn't take the 100s of people we dealt with during the 19 months of decline and we are very private people so she was much happier during her stay in my guestroom. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I suffered a retinal detachment during this time as well with an operation. The first nursing home tried to push too much rehab on her,the head physical therapist became snarky with me when I was concerned, and my Mom developed a stage 4 bedsore on her tailbone that became infected requiring many weeks of hospital stay, the second nursing home dropped her and broke her ankle on transfer to her wheelchair. They seemed annoyed with my daily visits though I didn't ask them for much. One crazy old nurse began yelling at me when I was concerned about something running up and down the halls and yelling for Jesus. I had had it and took Mom home. By the time we went through the 3rd rehab after the 3rd hospitalization I just wanted the quiet and privacy of home with a bath aide and nurses coming in without all the calamity of the nursing homes. There were the phone calls too. Mom passed away peacefully 2 years ago, but I still have great anger at the first 2 nursing homes and the losers that they hire. How they rated 5 stars is beyond me and I have lost faith in that system.

By the time Mom was in a NH she wasn't aware anymore. She aclimated well. I eventually allowed them to launder her clothes since I was going away for a week. The Nurses loved her. She was clean, fed and cared for. I loved the freedom.

I don't worry too much about my mom in AL. its the best place ever for her. anywhere else I would probably be worried. not to say nothings ever going to happen.
she fell one night and I got called at 3am or so. and she gashed her arm - got staples. it was gross tho. and she kept picking up her arm "im getting blood on my jammies"
uhh you got a big gash in your arm, put your arm down...

any way I do get uptight when I hear the phone ring at night. say after dinner hours...
and I try not to stay up too late at night, I fear I may get another call.

mostly tho. I do have peace about mom. its the other responsibilities that stress me out. for her, like: bill paying, taxes, bank accounts, dr appts, keeping tabs on RX's, buying personal items, also buying birthday cards for everyone on her behalf. ETC ETC.
ps I do worry about her dementia decline. I get scared for the future. oops rambling again.

I think a lot of it is a control issue. People like us need to be in control and have a really hard time giving it up to what amounts to strangers. I worry about my kids who are both married and parents themselves. My son drives a large, black pick-up truck. About a year ago, on a main intersection near his house, a big, black pick-up truck was in a rollover accident. I saw a photo of the crash on Facebook. I was frantic until I could get a hold of him. He thought I was flippin’ nuts. I worry about my grandsons. One is having his first sleep-away camp experience this week. I’ve been stressed since Sunday. I’m not responsible for any of them, technically but if something happens I feel like I should have done something.

Somewhere along the line, we have to realize we can’t do everybody’s everything. We have to let go. It’s darned difficult. But you get to the point where you do.

Poetry, I understand “no peace”. Mom has been in NH for 1.5 years now. Many ups and downs along the way. I used to go 3 times a week for a few hours, but since she lost her vision I now go daily for 4 hours and feed her lunch in her room. She hates the noisy confusion of the DR so she eats much more for me which is good. I had been really stressed and worried about her and her care the other 20 hours. The perverse thing was I’ve always been very happy with her care...but I worried myself sick nonetheless. Then suddenly one day a month or so ago I had an epiphany when I remembered that these folks are getting $10k a month. I dont know why this fact had such an impact on me but it was like a light switch went on in my brain. So I decided that when I’m there I will make sure she’s getting her moneys worth. I still think about her when I’m home, (and still jump at the phone) but I don’t worry about what’s happening nearly as much and find I can relax more. I hope you can find similar peace.

I feel this way when my Mom is in the hospital. It is more stressful than having her at home with me. I believe its something to do with the idea of "relinquishing control" for me anyway. I NEED to make sure she ate, took her pills, is clean and hydrated. I hope that in time you will have peace. It "should" get easier with time.
I hope you have a nice 4th of July :)

My Mom had to go to rehab last year for a broken pelvis and back. She called constantly. She has Alzheimer's. They made me come spend the night there! It was awful. She couldn't figure out she could not walk so she kept falling. She's back at her house now but it was so bad the sent her to a psch. Hospital. I had no peace for 2 months. I'm so sorry so many of us have to go through this. Every illness seems to set them back so much. May we all have a peaceful 4th of July!