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So this is probably a combination of Dad's dementia, My codependency (as a result of growing up with Dad) and me being tired-which leads to being overly sensitive. OK... I semi-cope with Dad's repeating of the same thing he's told me since yesterday for the millionth time, but I took offense to something that should probably be trivial. Dad kept repeating the story about my late brother's (may he rest) son being deemed academically gifted. Dad then kept repeating how "He's just like his father..." NO DAD!!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's petty, but the more he repeated it, the more frustrated I could feel myself becoming. I never got ANYTHING below a B- EVER!!!! I HAVE THREE DEGREES THAT I DON'T GET TO USE BECAUSE I CHOSE TO WORK A JOB THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE TO DAD!!!!!!!!! IT'S INFURIATING!!!!!!!! I'm aware that MY issues are way more deep rooted than just being looked over again for having the wrong "equipment", but I wonder if his oversight is "innocent". I know dementia patients get things crossed up sometimes and I'm secretly hoping he's just getting our accomplishments crossed up due to his disease, but GOODNESS!!!! It was my hope that dementia would change the "overlook the daughter" and "make the black sheep bad boy the golden boy" syndrome would somehow diminish with the dementia. Guess I was wrong. Forgive me for the pettiness. I needed to get that out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

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And finally we get the point of who cares what they think? People who think women aren't as good don't really deserve a thought. They're just dodo heads.
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Tinyblu. I am glad I was one of two sisters, and that I have two girls myself. Especially men of the older generation (and some ethnic groups) were raised with the mindset that the boy must follow in their footsteps or do better, or make them proud and is the one who is to succeed, the important one, the breadwinner, etc. I saw it with the way my grandparents treated my uncle and how my stepfather spoiled his son, and many of my friends husbands favor the boy, spending a fortune on sports, everything for the boy - and in most cases, this coddling resulted in the son being the weak one in the family.
I know it must hurt to hear your father say those things, but maybe it will help if you say to yourself - everyone else knows I was the strong one, I was the successful one. I am woman!
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JessieBelle -
Or being able to live with yourself.
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Amen, Rainmom. I would have put her in her place, too.

My mother is also one who whitewashed her life. She had bluebirds and butterflies around her. Her childhood family was perfect, her husband was perfect, and she was perfect. The bad things that happened along the way were other people's fault. One thing about this is that it makes for superficial boring conversation. I want to say Mom, I know you were pregnant when you married -- no preemie baby weighs over 10 lbs! And you were one of the worst mothers ever. But I just hold my tongue and know that nothing would be accomplished by saying these things. She needs to keep up external appearances even inside her own head. Maybe losing memory of the things done along the way is the ultimate way of forgiving yourself??
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My brother, the middle child was always my mothers darling. Brother has a genius level IQ, earned two BAs in very tough geek fields in five years and started making six digit figure salary right out of college- but has never had a clue as to how to talk to and get along with us common folk. No matter - he was mammas baby. But I was Daddy's Little Girl from the start so I never got overly twisted by the situation.

What did get to me was what my mom did after the dementia got rolling but before she was too far gone. Mom began to whitewash her entire life. To hear her tell it she was a saint - the perfect daughter, sister, wife and mother. Even before I realized she had dementia or even had a real understanding of what dementia was - I didn't correct her as there never has been any point in correcting my mother. So - I'd try not to listen to what she was saying - pretty much grinding my teeth the whole time.

But then came the time she was whitewashing her actions in a particular situation that had to do with my dad. This situation directly lead to daddy passing away alone and in a strange place. Then came the part when she attributed what had happened to me! That I was the one that did what she had actually done - and the result was my fault!!! I actually had warned her and the hospice people not to take this line of action - told them what happened in the end would be the result - long before they did it.

If ever I was gonna do bodily harm to my mother this would have been the time. But instead I very firmly put a stop to her talking and told her how it really went down - and I didn't pull any punches

There's a current thread that talks about correcting the dementia patients delusions - right or wrong? Even if it does no good in the long run, sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and tell the truth. We are people too - and our feeling matter.
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I feel for you, Tiny. It's also a cultural thing. My husband comes from a a big family of Latin men and I have been as insulted as you by how my inlaws (before MIL died) treated their eldest, who graced them with his presence once or twice a year, compared to my husband, who did everything for them. It would get my goat when eldest visited and the inlaws acted like it was Moses parting the Red Sea. Boy did they showtime when he was in town! Nothing that anyone else did ever compared to their golden child.
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My Dad taught me to drive. Wouldn't let me get a car until I knew how to check the oil, change a wheel, fill the washer reservoir and manage a hot radiator. Bought me a socket set for my 23rd birthday.

He also taught us all how to punch without breaking our thumbs. Straight right, left hook and right uppercut. And tuck your car keys into your palm if you really, really need some impact.

But he left his motorbikes to my one brother, and his complete toolkit (a whole garage full) to the other, and didn't mention either of us daughters in his will. Heaven knows his estate was scant enough (everything else transferred direct to mother), but I admit it, I was really hurt. As far as 1928-vintage rugby-playing army types go he didn't have a sexist bone in his body. I suppose I felt a sort of "et tu Brute" moment about it.
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Mom2mom, I think Dad's stuff is a little of a mixture, chauvanism (women were nothing but objects), and some dementia.

Dad didn't have very good things to say about my brother when he was struggling with his addiction. In fact, I was the enabler (another word I learned from Al-Anon), so now that brother is now the saint seems very odd to me.

I guess after all the negative comments I get from the family who do NOTHING to help, I get a bit sensitive. I could ALWAYS count on my intellect. That was something TANGIBLE Dad couldn't dispute, yet he somehow snatches that away too.

... and as for women hating women. I GET THAT TOO!!!! My evil stepmother was always an adversary.

Thankfully, I was able to do NO CONTACT with her. Can't do that with Dad, so it is what it is...
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It is so strange when women don't like other women. If you can't talk to women, who can you talk to? With men, you always have the gender gap to get past. A lot of women are so competitive with the others, though. They don't realize that men can come and go, but a good best gf will be there forever.
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JessieBelle, My mother doesnt like women either.
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I'm right there with you guys. My mother talks about how smart and accomplished my brothers are. She doesn't even recognize that I have degrees and taught biology and statistics in college. Girls to her are only good for two things -- breeding and cleaning. It was how she grew up, though surprisingly she doesn't see herself that way.

My mother talks about my brothers so much. She doesn't have but one or two memories of me when I was growing up. My consolation is that I know it isn't my fault. She has something missing in her that doesn't let her acknowledge other women. Her comments about them are if they are fat or slim, and if they're pretty or not. This is strange in a way, since my mother was very obese and certainly not a beauty. You would think she would have empathy with other women. I just SMH and don't let it get to me. What she thinks of me really doesn't matter.
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Tinyblu, correct me if I am wrong but, it seems like you are in the same situation that I am in. If this was suddenly a new behavior or thought, it would be a little hurtful and a lot annoying BUT you could forgive because it is the dementia talking. But, in our cases, dementia is acting like a truth serum and removing the filter between their thoughts and their mouths. They are saying out loud what they believe and have believed all along.

If my mother had always acted like she had any belief/trust/pride in me then I could chock comments like these up to dementia. But when I have been hearing MY WHOLE LIFE how great this brother or that brother is and how I was insignificant, it hurts to hear it now.

When I am elbow deep in poopy buttcrack but she seems to remember my brother taking such excellent care (he didn't, BTW), it hurts to hear about him.

Yeah, in the long run, we have to let it go. But it sure is nice to have a place to vent right after it happens.

Mom loves to mention how my older brother was a genius and got a near perfect score on his SATs. I was just, eh, average to her. Wasn't expected to make anything of myself. Well, I was the one who bought a half million dollar house so that she could move in with us. And the genius has never held a job.
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I think it is a generational type thing.   Males are suppose to be smart, and women not.

My Mom [98] was that way.   She was appalled any time she went to a new specialist and the doctor was a woman.   Same with women being Mayors, Governors, Senators, etc.   Same with Attorneys.   Mom would say those women need to be home having babies, and taking care of their husbands.... [sigh]
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@Countrymouse...

Unfortunately, my brother was smart, but didn't exercise it. He made lots of bad decisions as a result of alcoholism that landed him jail time for several DWI's and a dishonorable discharge from the military for assaulting an officer while intoxicated. He didn't think he could go on and took his own life.

My Dad has NEVER acknowledged that either. So a LOT is going on here. It's just hard sometimes when I don't have any physical support in this journey.

This board is a Godsend...

And this issue was placed in my "God box"-- a little gem I got from Al-Anon.

Yesterday was just a bad day... I'm better today.

I just let it go.
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CM, thanks for posting this.
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Sorry BB - I was typing while you were posting!
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See also BarbBrooklyn's mother's routinely attributing the saving of her husband's life on one memorable occasion to her son. Clue: it wasn't the son; although he did provide minimal late input after BB had already sorted everything.

So, in parallel, I don't suppose your late brother was any slouch when it came to schoolwork, true? So your father's not actually *wrong* - nephew probably does take after his dad. It's just that your father is smiling fondly on that memory and completely overlooking your much shinier record. Which is extremely irritating.

I personally like to claim responsibility for any achievement by any junior member of my family - "takes after his/her mother/aunt/grandmother, that must be it." This includes my Australian nephew who is not in fact related to me by blood, so perhaps it's more an environmental influence. Except when he does something idiotic. In which case he's very much his parents' child.

So Tiny, when gifted nephew comes up again, you merely repeat "takes after his auntie, AND MY FLAWLESS ACADEMIC RECORD, obviously!" as often as necessary. Also. Never mind what your Dad says, he's old. What your nephew understands is much more important: make sure *he* knows it's not only boys who get the bright genes.

I know you know better than to expect Daddy Leopard to change his spots by now, don't you?
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Tiny, Ive posted this elsewhere. To make long story short, my dad, with Chronic Leukemia developed a potentially fatal infection. I got him into a clinical trial. My brother brought the tissue samples to the lab. My mom refers to this as "the time Paul saved your dads life".

I recently got mom's awful roommate moved. I know that mom will credit brother with doing this. At some point, you have to let go and let G-d or other higher powers be on control. Because we are certainly not.
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Tinyblu, yep, you were wrong. What was probably at one time a wish has become a memory for Dad. So sorry!

You hoped dementia, and the fact you are taking care of him, would have improved his relationship with you. I suppose it sometimes happens that way. But more often the adult child is disappointed that the old patterns persist. Bummer!

Reacting strongly to one false memory of someone who has dementia is kind of trivial. I don't think it is the dementia part that you are reacting to -- it is the lifelong pattern that has hurt for a long time. And that, my dear, is far, far from trivial.

We all know never to argue or reason with someone who has dementia. But I wonder if it might be a good idea (good for you, not necessarily him) to interject a little reality. "Yes, grandson is very smart. He comes from a very smart family. Not only his dad was smart, but so are you, and I am too. Do you know that I have 3 college degrees?" He'll probably drag the conversation back to Golden Boy, but at least you've asserted yourself. Repeat as often as he tells that particular story.

I know that you are just venting and you didn't ask for advice. Sorry. I guess I'm kind of compulsive about that. What I really want to do is reach out and give you a hug!
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Right there with you Tinyblu.
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