The painful conversation.

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So this is probably a combination of Dad's dementia, My codependency (as a result of growing up with Dad) and me being tired-which leads to being overly sensitive. OK... I semi-cope with Dad's repeating of the same thing he's told me since yesterday for the millionth time, but I took offense to something that should probably be trivial. Dad kept repeating the story about my late brother's (may he rest) son being deemed academically gifted. Dad then kept repeating how "He's just like his father..." NO DAD!!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's petty, but the more he repeated it, the more frustrated I could feel myself becoming. I never got ANYTHING below a B- EVER!!!! I HAVE THREE DEGREES THAT I DON'T GET TO USE BECAUSE I CHOSE TO WORK A JOB THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE TO DAD!!!!!!!!! IT'S INFURIATING!!!!!!!! I'm aware that MY issues are way more deep rooted than just being looked over again for having the wrong "equipment", but I wonder if his oversight is "innocent". I know dementia patients get things crossed up sometimes and I'm secretly hoping he's just getting our accomplishments crossed up due to his disease, but GOODNESS!!!! It was my hope that dementia would change the "overlook the daughter" and "make the black sheep bad boy the golden boy" syndrome would somehow diminish with the dementia. Guess I was wrong. Forgive me for the pettiness. I needed to get that out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

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And finally we get the point of who cares what they think? People who think women aren't as good don't really deserve a thought. They're just dodo heads.
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Tinyblu. I am glad I was one of two sisters, and that I have two girls myself. Especially men of the older generation (and some ethnic groups) were raised with the mindset that the boy must follow in their footsteps or do better, or make them proud and is the one who is to succeed, the important one, the breadwinner, etc. I saw it with the way my grandparents treated my uncle and how my stepfather spoiled his son, and many of my friends husbands favor the boy, spending a fortune on sports, everything for the boy - and in most cases, this coddling resulted in the son being the weak one in the family.
I know it must hurt to hear your father say those things, but maybe it will help if you say to yourself - everyone else knows I was the strong one, I was the successful one. I am woman!
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JessieBelle -
Or being able to live with yourself.
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Amen, Rainmom. I would have put her in her place, too.

My mother is also one who whitewashed her life. She had bluebirds and butterflies around her. Her childhood family was perfect, her husband was perfect, and she was perfect. The bad things that happened along the way were other people's fault. One thing about this is that it makes for superficial boring conversation. I want to say Mom, I know you were pregnant when you married -- no preemie baby weighs over 10 lbs! And you were one of the worst mothers ever. But I just hold my tongue and know that nothing would be accomplished by saying these things. She needs to keep up external appearances even inside her own head. Maybe losing memory of the things done along the way is the ultimate way of forgiving yourself??
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My brother, the middle child was always my mothers darling. Brother has a genius level IQ, earned two BAs in very tough geek fields in five years and started making six digit figure salary right out of college- but has never had a clue as to how to talk to and get along with us common folk. No matter - he was mammas baby. But I was Daddy's Little Girl from the start so I never got overly twisted by the situation.

What did get to me was what my mom did after the dementia got rolling but before she was too far gone. Mom began to whitewash her entire life. To hear her tell it she was a saint - the perfect daughter, sister, wife and mother. Even before I realized she had dementia or even had a real understanding of what dementia was - I didn't correct her as there never has been any point in correcting my mother. So - I'd try not to listen to what she was saying - pretty much grinding my teeth the whole time.

But then came the time she was whitewashing her actions in a particular situation that had to do with my dad. This situation directly lead to daddy passing away alone and in a strange place. Then came the part when she attributed what had happened to me! That I was the one that did what she had actually done - and the result was my fault!!! I actually had warned her and the hospice people not to take this line of action - told them what happened in the end would be the result - long before they did it.

If ever I was gonna do bodily harm to my mother this would have been the time. But instead I very firmly put a stop to her talking and told her how it really went down - and I didn't pull any punches

There's a current thread that talks about correcting the dementia patients delusions - right or wrong? Even if it does no good in the long run, sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and tell the truth. We are people too - and our feeling matter.
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I feel for you, Tiny. It's also a cultural thing. My husband comes from a a big family of Latin men and I have been as insulted as you by how my inlaws (before MIL died) treated their eldest, who graced them with his presence once or twice a year, compared to my husband, who did everything for them. It would get my goat when eldest visited and the inlaws acted like it was Moses parting the Red Sea. Boy did they showtime when he was in town! Nothing that anyone else did ever compared to their golden child.
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My Dad taught me to drive. Wouldn't let me get a car until I knew how to check the oil, change a wheel, fill the washer reservoir and manage a hot radiator. Bought me a socket set for my 23rd birthday.

He also taught us all how to punch without breaking our thumbs. Straight right, left hook and right uppercut. And tuck your car keys into your palm if you really, really need some impact.

But he left his motorbikes to my one brother, and his complete toolkit (a whole garage full) to the other, and didn't mention either of us daughters in his will. Heaven knows his estate was scant enough (everything else transferred direct to mother), but I admit it, I was really hurt. As far as 1928-vintage rugby-playing army types go he didn't have a sexist bone in his body. I suppose I felt a sort of "et tu Brute" moment about it.
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Mom2mom, I think Dad's stuff is a little of a mixture, chauvanism (women were nothing but objects), and some dementia.

Dad didn't have very good things to say about my brother when he was struggling with his addiction. In fact, I was the enabler (another word I learned from Al-Anon), so now that brother is now the saint seems very odd to me.

I guess after all the negative comments I get from the family who do NOTHING to help, I get a bit sensitive. I could ALWAYS count on my intellect. That was something TANGIBLE Dad couldn't dispute, yet he somehow snatches that away too.

... and as for women hating women. I GET THAT TOO!!!! My evil stepmother was always an adversary.

Thankfully, I was able to do NO CONTACT with her. Can't do that with Dad, so it is what it is...
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It is so strange when women don't like other women. If you can't talk to women, who can you talk to? With men, you always have the gender gap to get past. A lot of women are so competitive with the others, though. They don't realize that men can come and go, but a good best gf will be there forever.
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JessieBelle, My mother doesnt like women either.
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