Our roles are switching and I don't like it.

This has been very useful information for me. Sargeant, I'm so sorry about the news about your mom. Honestly, that is my biggest fear. I can't seem to get my mother to stop smoking. Even after a heart attack, and other health scares, she still won't stop. I've tried everything. She is starting nighttime oxygen with her C-Pap. For me that's just another sign that we're headed down the road towards Lung Cancer. She calls it her best friend. I keep telling her that her "best friend" is killing her.

Its good info about the oxygen. I didn't know that. Since I'm now heading into a stage where she needs oxygen therapy, I'll have to keep an eye out on her with the smoking and oxygen.

Unfortunately, I think many of us on this sight are probably children who have siblings who have basically allowed one child to take over the role and responsibilities of caregiver. I seem to see that a lot here. I have had people ask why I do what I do for my mother. The truth is, despite any family dynamic issues, I know her time is limited. She doesn't have a diagnosis limiting her time yet, but she can't have all these problems forever. Its been a slow progression over six years to get to this point, and while it could last many more, I don't think I'm looking at very many years. As much as I get frustrated with the demand on my time, finances, and energy, I know in the not very distant future, she won't be here. If I didn't help her, I know I would feel terrible. For me, its the right thing to do. Even if my sister won't help me. And Sargeant is right. Some children are not suited to being caregivers, or perhaps more so for their parents. My sister has been a caregiver, but she has no patience when it comes to our mother. And my mother requires A LOT of patience. I love her. But sometimes it is overwhelming and daunting thinking I have possibly ten or more years of this coming. It's scary. But the alternative is worse.

Deeanna, thank you so much for the information on oxygen and smoking. I didnt know its not the oxygen itself its the stuff that it gets into and that is is scarier than i thought. We live in a beautiful part of the united states where its beautiful right now. Every time i go out now for a cig shes coming with me or no cigarettes for her. Not that i smoke that much but she can just enjoy the sun with me. I do buy her smokes for her but i limit her to 2 a day. I almost have her there to not smoking at all. I dont want to forget to respond to what sergeant201 said. You are absolutely right about us kids cant just toss our parents aside. I wish my brothers would listen to what you say. My parents gave us a good childhood, never needed for anything and they havent spent anytime with them now that they are older. So sad. And im sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she knows what a special person she has raised. Take care

I had my Mom come to live with me after her husband (stepfather died) 5 years ago. She is now 80 yoa and I too have become being the parent. I have always said that, "they took care of us when we were young and now It is our turn to take care of them." We cannot just throw our elders away. I do realize that some children simply are not in the position to be caregivers but it is still our duty to see that they are taken care of. I see the hopelessness in Mom's eyes when she cannot do something she use to do and her stubbornness in asking for help. I sat with her awhile ago and explained to her that being a daughter who is able to take care of her gives me joy and while not always easy, it will be a time I can look back on and say I was fortunate to spend this time with her. That seemed to take away some of her despair in becoming the child and me the parent. I found out a week ago that I will only have between 6-8 months left with my Mom. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. My heart is broken because just recently did I come to the realization that while being a full time Caregiver is as tough of job as one could want, it is the most rewarding. I now wish I had a few more years to take care of her and show her how much she is loved and appreciated. So everyone out there facing these tough challenges: Hang In there, some days will be rougher than others but you will never regret the time you spend with your loved one.

Dear dcurnan,
I didn’t like it either when my parents and I started to switch roles. When Dad died in Dec 2007, Mom bought a house and we became “roommates”. We sat down like two adult roommates and paid the bills together and we talked about what needed to be done around the house, etc.
In regards to your Mother smoking with the oxygen on…that is something she may not be able to stop by herself. In the 1970’s & 1980’s, patients could smoke in their hospital rooms and many a nurse would find a patient who could barely breathe sitting up in bed, a cigarette in their hand and the oxygen tubing dangling around their neck. Although oxygen itself is not flammable, it gets on the person’s skin, hair, and clothing thus creating an oxygen-rich environment that causes flammable (and even, non-flammable) items to burn faster and hotter.
Who is providing your mother with cigarettes, lighters, etc? Can she get them herself or do you need to bring them to her? Develop a Smoking Schedule during which you (or someone) help her take off her oxygen tubing, turn off the oxygen, make sure the ashtray is within reach and then, STAY WITH HER the entire time that she is smoking, and lastly, YOU dispose of the used cigarette safely. Slowly decrease the number of times and the number of cigarettes she smokes per day.
Do you have an outdoor patio (NOT a wooden balcony) where she can sit & smoke? (This is one way to follow HER RULE of: “if you smoke, smoke outside.”)
Has your doctor discussed with your mother about a “Smoking Cessation Program” or medications that could help your mother stop smoking. Nicotine patches, gum, inhaler and sprays may be used with these medications. HOWEVER, if your mother starts to take medication to help her stop smoking and she keeps on smoking, she has an increased risk of experiencing severe side effects because she might be getting double the nicotine.
Have her sign a “Non-smoking Contract”. You can find sample contracts at www.heart.org/HEARTORG/HealthyLiving/QuitSmoking/QuittingSmoking/Get-Ready-To-Quit-Smoking_UCM_307848_Article.jsp#.WuCr6MKou1s, www.smokeforwhat.com/quit-smoking-contract.php or www.interpersonalnet.com/quitforlife/contract.pdf along with many other websites.
It’s not easy becoming the “parent”, but we do so out of love and respect for our parents and because we want to keep them safe during the last years of their lives. Keep expressing your concerns and feelings to us. Good Luck and God Bless.

Gabbygirl, your mom is only 65! I'm 64, and I'm the caregiver! Oh, my.... This transition must be especially difficult for you.

In my experience, although my parents required more and more assistance from me, at the end of the day, I knew that they loved me as only parents can. They brought me into this world and raised me. They were there for all milestones. Despite their infirmity, their love as my mom and dad remained constant. Dad was proud of my accomplishments and was my greatest supporter of my work as an artist. Only one month before he passed he was asking me about my newest work. Just a few days before mom passed, she expressed concern because I looked tired. Once a parent, always a parent:) I tried not to think of what they were losing as they became more frail and ill, but instead tried to adjust to each new reality and figure out what I could do for them and what we could do together. There were times I felt overwhelmed, but I have no regrets. Adjusting to each new reality isn't easy, but you can do it.

My DH thinks I'm one of his 3 wives, all named Linda. It happens. If I ever find the other 2 wives named Linda - I am going to throttle them! Lazy stiffs, never help out, LOL

My mother is fibbing constantly. Its beginning to really concern me. Shes putting herself and every one in this house in danger. Ive caught her twice now smoking with her oxygen on. When the rule in her house was always if you smoke, smoke outside. And when ive caught her she says something like i didnt realize or its off when its really on. How can i instill in her the importance of not smoking near any oxygen? She draws a blank recently.

This role reversal may only happen on an emotional level, if the parent has dementia.

If not the role reversal will typically be as the decision maker for the parent's well being.

It is important not to treat them like children. Some dying patients remain sharp until the end.

My mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Extended Care Facility for many years. Fortunately for us, she gave us a lot of life tips about preparing for our day when we were going to need care. I am now in my late 50's, the patient with dementia-poss early onset ALZ. My DW is 8yrs younger than me. We've done all the legal things regarding a Trust, DPOA, Medical Directives, Funeral Plans etc.
I remember as we grew older, my mother introducing us to life's real facts, people die young, people become disabled young, you have children with special needs. These things happen and we need to develop strategies to deal with them that best suit our circumstances. My DW and I have lead our children on this same path of real life education.
My advice is to those struggling with care of elderly parents, introduce your children as they mature to these situations. Go out now and put together a plan for your own future needs. Yes, it will cost some money to put your affairs in good legal standing so that your children know what you want, and the plan you've put together for your own affairs. This can then roll down hill and the children of your children's children will perhaps not have the big struggle that our generations have faced. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children, and by bringing them in to the picture, perhaps they can take some of the heat off and help us with our challenges. Just a thought.

I, too, can relate to this. My mother is only 65, but disabled with so many health issues. Honestly, its hard to keep up. But the roles have definitely reversed. At the moment we are going through her teenage years where she is trying to figure out whether I am truly paying attention and what she can get away with. I haven't put the restrictions on her. Her doctors did. But I'm the one that has to enforce them for her safety. Right now, she's angry she can't drive. She fell asleep behind the wheel (thankfully the car was in park, but she was parked at a store and people got concerned). Very unsafe. But she keeps trying to get me to say it's ok to drive. That's a firm "Nope!" from me.

Essentially, I feel like I'm raising a 13 year old. I can't exactly ground her or take away her tech. I never yell at her. It wouldn't work on her anyways. But I also have to keep her safe. And when she does things that are clearly unsafe, I get very frustrated. That's when I feel like I've got a child. I try so hard not to condescend to her. But honestly, when she tries to sneak things by me, or lies to me (and I almost always catch her in the stupidest of lies), or she turns on the crying to make me feel sad for her so I'll give into to her requests, that's when it's hardest not to treat her like a pre-teen child. I just feel like a defeated parent. I have to really pick my battles. But honestly, its very hard. This dynamic is very trying. Even her doctors see it. The best I can do is just take it day by day and hope that someday I'll get my sanity and life back.

I think the point that this is a natural cycle is an excellent one. dcurcan, I like how you put it: "silly?" Yes, it is silly. So we have to laugh at it. That's how Mom and I handle it. Fortunately, she can still laugh with me. We can choose to define these things as funny and natural or we can desire something that just won't happen -- that they will be parental again. You can choose to move into acceptance.

The first time I knew things had changed between us was standing at the curb and cross the street. We both stepped off and almost got hit by a car. We looked at each other and screamed, "I thought you looked!" It changed that day and Mom told me she was in her second childhood. (A cute way to describe what happens to all of us as we age.)
Remember the cycle of life and everyone has to go through it. There is talk of how we are born and lying in bed, then crawl, pushed in a stroller, then walk by holding on, then walk, then run, back to walking, then walking with a cane, then walker, then pushed in a wheelchair, then only can stay in bed, and then the final end of the circle, death. I know folks have a hard time watching loved ones go through this cycle of life. My question is: Would you rather them not go through the cycle? The alternative is an early death.
Look for the second childhood and make games of it, joke about it, welcome it as a part of our lives! They probably took care of their parents and now it is our turn.

I well know what you mean. My dad is so frail and often asks me for advice, what a role reversal! He seems so unsure in this world, not at all the confident dad I once had. He also deals with near constant fear of all sorts of things, most of which never happen. I try very hard to approach him with respect, ask him for advice on things, and still treat him as the dad I once had. Not easy, we often refer to “new dad” and “old dad” and sure miss the old one we had...

My mother thinks I AM a paid caregiver.

I've thought about this a lot for myself. I don't want my any of my children to be my primary caregiver. It would feel much more dignified to have a paid aide to wipe my butt or feed me, etc. I hope I'll always have a lot of contact with the kids and grandkids. I hope they will be helpful. They are my POA and medical proxy. I am confident they will act in my best interest. But I want the dignity of relating to them as an adult.

Dcurnan, do you think it might help your feelings and your parents if you didn't do all the hands-on care personally? I'm sure there are many things you can do that won't infringe on their dignity, but feeling that the roles have switched completely can be overwhelming.

I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for this time in life. Changing roles with our parents. However, it is very important that we do not treat them like children. But, with respect and love. Even though they may act like a child sometimes, it is for the same reason a child does it, to see if you will love them through it or stop loving them. Persevere. Our job is to love them, keep them safe, and do whatever is possible to give them a good life, in whatever situation we are facing.We just do our best and draw strength from above.
This is a difficult thing, so difficult. But love conquers all.
May God help each and everyone one of us through this part of the journey.

I’ve noticed that. To me it’s a natural progression. My mom’s dementia is not bad before 3pm and then she’s the mother. But generally, I accept that I’m the head of the household (despite my father’s periodic rages that HE’S IN CHARGE). This is only natural, look back through human genealogy.

That guidance we received for 60 plus years is gone. We are the guidance.

Dear dcurnan,

I hear where you are coming from. I don't think any of us realize how fast the time has gone. And then all of a sudden our parents are getting older and then to a stage where they are the ones needing help. It's hard.

As the oldest, I've always felt like an mini adult even as a child. And it was still shocking to me to see my parents age and face their own health challenges. As much as I want to be younger and my parents too, this is the life.

I don't know if it would help to talk to a family therapist or join a support group to talk it out some more. Always know there are supports through the community and through church. Have that honest conversation with yourself and your parents about what you are and aren't willing to do.