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Sometimes I wish that my parents could just be my parents again. Too much to ask I know, but me taking over as caregiver is like we are changing places in this world. And I just can't stand to see it in their eyes. It's as if panic has set in and we all aren't ready for it. How can we work through this and allow them to go through this next stage of life with dignity and not shame? I don't want our roles reversed. I just want my parents. Silly? Sure sounds it doesn't it?

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Dear dcurnan,

I hear where you are coming from. I don't think any of us realize how fast the time has gone. And then all of a sudden our parents are getting older and then to a stage where they are the ones needing help. It's hard.

As the oldest, I've always felt like an mini adult even as a child. And it was still shocking to me to see my parents age and face their own health challenges. As much as I want to be younger and my parents too, this is the life.

I don't know if it would help to talk to a family therapist or join a support group to talk it out some more. Always know there are supports through the community and through church. Have that honest conversation with yourself and your parents about what you are and aren't willing to do.
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I’ve noticed that. To me it’s a natural progression. My mom’s dementia is not bad before 3pm and then she’s the mother. But generally, I accept that I’m the head of the household (despite my father’s periodic rages that HE’S IN CHARGE). This is only natural, look back through human genealogy.

That guidance we received for 60 plus years is gone. We are the guidance.
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I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for this time in life. Changing roles with our parents. However, it is very important that we do not treat them like children. But, with respect and love. Even though they may act like a child sometimes, it is for the same reason a child does it, to see if you will love them through it or stop loving them. Persevere. Our job is to love them, keep them safe, and do whatever is possible to give them a good life, in whatever situation we are facing.We just do our best and draw strength from above.
This is a difficult thing, so difficult. But love conquers all.
May God help each and everyone one of us through this part of the journey.
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I've thought about this a lot for myself. I don't want my any of my children to be my primary caregiver. It would feel much more dignified to have a paid aide to wipe my butt or feed me, etc. I hope I'll always have a lot of contact with the kids and grandkids. I hope they will be helpful. They are my POA and medical proxy. I am confident they will act in my best interest. But I want the dignity of relating to them as an adult.

Dcurnan, do you think it might help your feelings and your parents if you didn't do all the hands-on care personally? I'm sure there are many things you can do that won't infringe on their dignity, but feeling that the roles have switched completely can be overwhelming.
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My mother thinks I AM a paid caregiver.
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I well know what you mean. My dad is so frail and often asks me for advice, what a role reversal! He seems so unsure in this world, not at all the confident dad I once had. He also deals with near constant fear of all sorts of things, most of which never happen. I try very hard to approach him with respect, ask him for advice on things, and still treat him as the dad I once had. Not easy, we often refer to “new dad” and “old dad” and sure miss the old one we had...
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The first time I knew things had changed between us was standing at the curb and cross the street. We both stepped off and almost got hit by a car. We looked at each other and screamed, "I thought you looked!" It changed that day and Mom told me she was in her second childhood. (A cute way to describe what happens to all of us as we age.)
Remember the cycle of life and everyone has to go through it. There is talk of how we are born and lying in bed, then crawl, pushed in a stroller, then walk by holding on, then walk, then run, back to walking, then walking with a cane, then walker, then pushed in a wheelchair, then only can stay in bed, and then the final end of the circle, death. I know folks have a hard time watching loved ones go through this cycle of life. My question is: Would you rather them not go through the cycle? The alternative is an early death.
Look for the second childhood and make games of it, joke about it, welcome it as a part of our lives! They probably took care of their parents and now it is our turn.
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I think the point that this is a natural cycle is an excellent one. dcurcan, I like how you put it: "silly?" Yes, it is silly. So we have to laugh at it. That's how Mom and I handle it. Fortunately, she can still laugh with me. We can choose to define these things as funny and natural or we can desire something that just won't happen -- that they will be parental again. You can choose to move into acceptance.
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I, too, can relate to this. My mother is only 65, but disabled with so many health issues. Honestly, its hard to keep up. But the roles have definitely reversed. At the moment we are going through her teenage years where she is trying to figure out whether I am truly paying attention and what she can get away with. I haven't put the restrictions on her. Her doctors did. But I'm the one that has to enforce them for her safety. Right now, she's angry she can't drive. She fell asleep behind the wheel (thankfully the car was in park, but she was parked at a store and people got concerned). Very unsafe. But she keeps trying to get me to say it's ok to drive. That's a firm "Nope!" from me.

Essentially, I feel like I'm raising a 13 year old. I can't exactly ground her or take away her tech. I never yell at her. It wouldn't work on her anyways. But I also have to keep her safe. And when she does things that are clearly unsafe, I get very frustrated. That's when I feel like I've got a child. I try so hard not to condescend to her. But honestly, when she tries to sneak things by me, or lies to me (and I almost always catch her in the stupidest of lies), or she turns on the crying to make me feel sad for her so I'll give into to her requests, that's when it's hardest not to treat her like a pre-teen child. I just feel like a defeated parent. I have to really pick my battles. But honestly, its very hard. This dynamic is very trying. Even her doctors see it. The best I can do is just take it day by day and hope that someday I'll get my sanity and life back.
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My mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Extended Care Facility for many years. Fortunately for us, she gave us a lot of life tips about preparing for our day when we were going to need care. I am now in my late 50's, the patient with dementia-poss early onset ALZ. My DW is 8yrs younger than me. We've done all the legal things regarding a Trust, DPOA, Medical Directives, Funeral Plans etc.
I remember as we grew older, my mother introducing us to life's real facts, people die young, people become disabled young, you have children with special needs. These things happen and we need to develop strategies to deal with them that best suit our circumstances. My DW and I have lead our children on this same path of real life education.
My advice is to those struggling with care of elderly parents, introduce your children as they mature to these situations. Go out now and put together a plan for your own future needs. Yes, it will cost some money to put your affairs in good legal standing so that your children know what you want, and the plan you've put together for your own affairs. This can then roll down hill and the children of your children's children will perhaps not have the big struggle that our generations have faced. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children, and by bringing them in to the picture, perhaps they can take some of the heat off and help us with our challenges. Just a thought.
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This role reversal may only happen on an emotional level, if the parent has dementia.

If not the role reversal will typically be as the decision maker for the parent's well being.

It is important not to treat them like children. Some dying patients remain sharp until the end.
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My mother is fibbing constantly. Its beginning to really concern me. Shes putting herself and every one in this house in danger. Ive caught her twice now smoking with her oxygen on. When the rule in her house was always if you smoke, smoke outside. And when ive caught her she says something like i didnt realize or its off when its really on. How can i instill in her the importance of not smoking near any oxygen? She draws a blank recently.
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My DH thinks I'm one of his 3 wives, all named Linda. It happens. If I ever find the other 2 wives named Linda - I am going to throttle them! Lazy stiffs, never help out, LOL
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In my experience, although my parents required more and more assistance from me, at the end of the day, I knew that they loved me as only parents can. They brought me into this world and raised me. They were there for all milestones. Despite their infirmity, their love as my mom and dad remained constant. Dad was proud of my accomplishments and was my greatest supporter of my work as an artist. Only one month before he passed he was asking me about my newest work. Just a few days before mom passed, she expressed concern because I looked tired. Once a parent, always a parent:) I tried not to think of what they were losing as they became more frail and ill, but instead tried to adjust to each new reality and figure out what I could do for them and what we could do together. There were times I felt overwhelmed, but I have no regrets. Adjusting to each new reality isn't easy, but you can do it.
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Gabbygirl, your mom is only 65! I'm 64, and I'm the caregiver! Oh, my.... This transition must be especially difficult for you.
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Dear dcurnan,
I didn’t like it either when my parents and I started to switch roles. When Dad died in Dec 2007, Mom bought a house and we became “roommates”. We sat down like two adult roommates and paid the bills together and we talked about what needed to be done around the house, etc.
In regards to your Mother smoking with the oxygen on…that is something she may not be able to stop by herself. In the 1970’s & 1980’s, patients could smoke in their hospital rooms and many a nurse would find a patient who could barely breathe sitting up in bed, a cigarette in their hand and the oxygen tubing dangling around their neck. Although oxygen itself is not flammable, it gets on the person’s skin, hair, and clothing thus creating an oxygen-rich environment that causes flammable (and even, non-flammable) items to burn faster and hotter.
Who is providing your mother with cigarettes, lighters, etc? Can she get them herself or do you need to bring them to her? Develop a Smoking Schedule during which you (or someone) help her take off her oxygen tubing, turn off the oxygen, make sure the ashtray is within reach and then, STAY WITH HER the entire time that she is smoking, and lastly, YOU dispose of the used cigarette safely. Slowly decrease the number of times and the number of cigarettes she smokes per day.
Do you have an outdoor patio (NOT a wooden balcony) where she can sit & smoke? (This is one way to follow HER RULE of: “if you smoke, smoke outside.”)
Has your doctor discussed with your mother about a “Smoking Cessation Program” or medications that could help your mother stop smoking. Nicotine patches, gum, inhaler and sprays may be used with these medications. HOWEVER, if your mother starts to take medication to help her stop smoking and she keeps on smoking, she has an increased risk of experiencing severe side effects because she might be getting double the nicotine.
Have her sign a “Non-smoking Contract”. You can find sample contracts at www.heart.org/HEARTORG/HealthyLiving/QuitSmoking/QuittingSmoking/Get-Ready-To-Quit-Smoking_UCM_307848_Article.jsp#.WuCr6MKou1s, www.smokeforwhat.com/quit-smoking-contract.php or www.interpersonalnet.com/quitforlife/contract.pdf along with many other websites.
It’s not easy becoming the “parent”, but we do so out of love and respect for our parents and because we want to keep them safe during the last years of their lives. Keep expressing your concerns and feelings to us. Good Luck and God Bless.
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I had my Mom come to live with me after her husband (stepfather died) 5 years ago. She is now 80 yoa and I too have become being the parent. I have always said that, "they took care of us when we were young and now It is our turn to take care of them." We cannot just throw our elders away. I do realize that some children simply are not in the position to be caregivers but it is still our duty to see that they are taken care of. I see the hopelessness in Mom's eyes when she cannot do something she use to do and her stubbornness in asking for help. I sat with her awhile ago and explained to her that being a daughter who is able to take care of her gives me joy and while not always easy, it will be a time I can look back on and say I was fortunate to spend this time with her. That seemed to take away some of her despair in becoming the child and me the parent. I found out a week ago that I will only have between 6-8 months left with my Mom. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. My heart is broken because just recently did I come to the realization that while being a full time Caregiver is as tough of job as one could want, it is the most rewarding. I now wish I had a few more years to take care of her and show her how much she is loved and appreciated. So everyone out there facing these tough challenges: Hang In there, some days will be rougher than others but you will never regret the time you spend with your loved one.
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Deeanna, thank you so much for the information on oxygen and smoking. I didnt know its not the oxygen itself its the stuff that it gets into and that is is scarier than i thought. We live in a beautiful part of the united states where its beautiful right now. Every time i go out now for a cig shes coming with me or no cigarettes for her. Not that i smoke that much but she can just enjoy the sun with me. I do buy her smokes for her but i limit her to 2 a day. I almost have her there to not smoking at all. I dont want to forget to respond to what sergeant201 said. You are absolutely right about us kids cant just toss our parents aside. I wish my brothers would listen to what you say. My parents gave us a good childhood, never needed for anything and they havent spent anytime with them now that they are older. So sad. And im sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she knows what a special person she has raised. Take care
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This has been very useful information for me. Sargeant, I'm so sorry about the news about your mom. Honestly, that is my biggest fear. I can't seem to get my mother to stop smoking. Even after a heart attack, and other health scares, she still won't stop. I've tried everything. She is starting nighttime oxygen with her C-Pap. For me that's just another sign that we're headed down the road towards Lung Cancer. She calls it her best friend. I keep telling her that her "best friend" is killing her.

Its good info about the oxygen. I didn't know that. Since I'm now heading into a stage where she needs oxygen therapy, I'll have to keep an eye out on her with the smoking and oxygen.

Unfortunately, I think many of us on this sight are probably children who have siblings who have basically allowed one child to take over the role and responsibilities of caregiver. I seem to see that a lot here. I have had people ask why I do what I do for my mother. The truth is, despite any family dynamic issues, I know her time is limited. She doesn't have a diagnosis limiting her time yet, but she can't have all these problems forever. Its been a slow progression over six years to get to this point, and while it could last many more, I don't think I'm looking at very many years. As much as I get frustrated with the demand on my time, finances, and energy, I know in the not very distant future, she won't be here. If I didn't help her, I know I would feel terrible. For me, its the right thing to do. Even if my sister won't help me. And Sargeant is right. Some children are not suited to being caregivers, or perhaps more so for their parents. My sister has been a caregiver, but she has no patience when it comes to our mother. And my mother requires A LOT of patience. I love her. But sometimes it is overwhelming and daunting thinking I have possibly ten or more years of this coming. It's scary. But the alternative is worse.
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My mother once said "you just expect me to keep going along" {insert living alone as always}. No, I was not that naive and had been working for a living solution for her for many years. It is of paramount importance that we let them have dignity and never to treat them like children. When it became apparent that she was not truthful about health conditions, I gladly moved there in with her in Massachusetts from my Maryland, putting my life on hiatus because I loved my dear late mother. I would move heaven and earth for my mother.
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Funny how we’re all wired differently. My mother’s “being dishonest about health conditions” sent me into a spiral of resentment.

There was no entertaining the thought of being Mom’s roommate. Cuz that would require a spirit of “meeting me halfway” that Mom didn’t have. And quite frankly, never had.

Mom spent the last 5 years of her life alternating between THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME and martyr and stoic mute.

Mom didn’t know what she was dealing with, either. Cuz she refused to see a doctor. Despite having top-tier medical insurance and more-than-adequate $ and a long-term care policy.

When elderly parents become their own worst enemy, they re-write their adult children’s reality.

Denial? Moderate denial? No denial? Doesn’t matter. From here on in, forget good memories. You probably won’t be making any.

Very draining for those of us who can still drive safely, write legibly and execute a plan. (H*ll, can execute a grocery list in less than 3 hours.)

For many of us caregivers, role-reversal could have been a good outcome. If the stubborn — and legally competent — old goat would have allowed it.
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I agree with smeshque. And thanks for the reminder! Just to love them and keep them safe!! One day I was so frustrated with my mom not taking her meds/vitamins and telling me she did. I said, "What am I suppose to do with you??!!" She said, "Love me and tolerate me." And she's exactly right lol. I couldn't say anything to that.
It is frustrating sometimes being the "parent". My mom's not all there some of the time, but my dad is, but he's no help-as much as I think (hope) he wants to be. I say, please make sure she takes her meds, as I run out the door to work, but he believes her when she says she took them. So I just make sure myself when I come home. My parents have been phenomenal throughout my life and I'm grateful. I try to remind myself that they won't be here forever, enjoy them now. It's a good opportunity to give back to them, for all they've done for me. I certainly couldn't do it without God's strength though, that's for sure!
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Dcurnan, glad to hear that you have a smoking schedule and that it gives you an opportunity to share time with your mother. As you can tell by what others write, the future isn't pretty or very positive.
Even though Mom and I were "roommates", it hasn't been a bed of roses. Plenty of times, Mom & I disagreed and we have this tendency to "feed off of each other's emotions" until neither of us can take it and we would both disappear to our separate parts of the house (Mom to her bedroom & me to the bedroom in the basement).
Since 2015, Mom's ability to perform ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) has slowly been declining. She no longer was able to cook or clean and we had to go over the bills 2-4 times because she didn't remember what we had paid. I quit sleeping in the basement in Jan 2017 when Mom tried to walk down the stairs because she heard me scream for help (I hadn't screamed-I was quietly reading a book in bed). 2017 was the "YEAR FROM HELL"!!!! (That is for another conversation that I might start if I can quit crying when I talk about everything that happened.) Mom is now at a LTC Memory Care Unit because she needs assistance with her ADLs: eating, getting dressed, toileting, etc. & uses a wheelchair; and because she thinks that I live in _______________ (fill in the blank) such as Hawaii, Florida, California,...; thinks that my brother lives in the house & teaches school (he lives in another state & is not a teacher) and that we gambled away all of her money and sold our two farms. She can hold a conversation for 15 minutes and then wheels away from you or puts the phone down.
BlackHole, you are right about elderly parents re-writing their adult children’s reality--no matter how nice or mean the parents are.
Feelings of denial, sadness, exhaustion, guilt, resentment, fear of unknown...I have them all. While 2017 was HELL, 2018 is better because Mom is in a LTC facility. It is hard to have or make good memories, yet my brother & I try. We all have to cope in our own way. Not all of us are caregivers. Thank goodness for this forum. There is a kinship that we can't get anywhere else.
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When Mother broke her neck and became so ill with blood clots and heart problems,many times she acted like a baby.She curled her fingers around mine as I gave her drinks of water,and I had to feed her like a baby.She was so frail and weak and scared.I wanted to help her and I felt like I was the MaMa bird and she was the baby bird.I loved her and wanted to protect her and everything just came naturally through time.
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I have to say, in the end what good would it really do to be resentful, acrimonious or bitter that we had to care for our mother or our father? Why would we want that to replay in our minds every day? There exists a letter that a mother writes to her children. I must locate it very soon because it epitomizes this thread. If anyone knows of it, kindly post it. Thank you in advance.
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Please if you can find it. I need something somewhere to give me something positive to look on. Im so sad. All the time.
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DC, I read on another thread that you've had to move out of your parent's home due to you dad's irrational behavior.

Do you have a doctor? You need to get yourself in there and talk about your all the time sadness. You might benefit from antidepressants, talk therapy or both.

I'm hoping that the hospice nurses will take note of dad's behavior and get him evaluated for dementia.
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Im just at my wits end. Everything has crashed in around me. I just dont know what to do. I know im losing it. Me leaving wasnt the answer either. It hasnt helped me solve anything. My parents are still my parents. And they arent getting the help they need. I know it. Im going to call the hospice nurse and see what she says.
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THIS IS THE POEM...


Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter

“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago.” Just listen, please.

Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way. Remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair, and dealing with life’s issues every day.

The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient, or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad—just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling daughter.”
Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter posted by A Place for Mom Staff
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Dc: The poem that I posted may not help you. You should see a doctor, if you saddened. Please do not wait. And please listen to BarbBrooklyn's wisdom. 
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