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Sometimes I wish that my parents could just be my parents again. Too much to ask I know, but me taking over as caregiver is like we are changing places in this world. And I just can't stand to see it in their eyes. It's as if panic has set in and we all aren't ready for it. How can we work through this and allow them to go through this next stage of life with dignity and not shame? I don't want our roles reversed. I just want my parents. Silly? Sure sounds it doesn't it?

Hugs, Dcurnan. I'm sorry to hear you had a hurtful experience. I've only been on a few months but have gotten a lot of wonderful support despite every now and then seeing some negative comments. I've found the majority of people here though do really want to help. I'm really glad you're here, and hope you will stick around.
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Hi Dc....not sure how to erase an account. I know what you mean. I visit this forum every day. Sometimes I post and sometimes I don't but this forum has helped me a great deal since I first signed up and as I said there are a bunch of wonderful people here. It is so sad that one person has the ability to hurt someone when a person is at their most vulnerable and going through a frustrating and hard time. I hope you won't leave but I will understand.

If you don't leave, please keep me posted and let me know how you are doing. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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you know the old saying dusti, one bad apple, something something something. that's how I feel. sour all the way around. do you by chance know how to erase an account?? thank you for saying that though. I think I may be a little addicted to this site though. lol. ive found so much good here also. take care
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teri4077, I sure wish there was a thread that people could discuss these things. I wish I could start one but im not sure how myself. I don't even know how to erase my account. lol. thanks for caring.
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Hi Dc.... I am so sorry to hear of your bad experience. Please don't let one person make you quit the forum. There are a lot of wonderful, caring people here.

Take care.....
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oh, Dcurnan, I'm very sorry to hear that. I know what you mean, however -- a site like this should never be used negatively, but some people do. It's very sad, as we all have such needs for support. I actually study health communication processes -- I edit an international journal on the topic. That would be an interesting study, wouldn't it -- what kinds of messages are not only nonsupportive but actually hurt us? Would be interested in hearing from people about the messages that they find hurtful. I don't understand social media well enough to know how to start such a conversation, however, and don't know the rules about doing so on this site. I need a millenial to hep me! :)
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thank you everyone for all of your support. im going to leave this as soon as I can figure out how to get myself erased off this account. bad experience with someone on this site and I cant forget it. please forgive me for just trying to be myself and be real.
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I am so glad that you followed up and contacted your mother's nurses after the wellness check and that one of them stated that she would contact the social worker assigned to your parents. Now that they are aware of the situation, let the nurses and the social worker do their jobs.

In regards to antidepressants, I understand your reluctance to take them. Yes, they can make you feel "loopy"...HOWEVER, when you find the RIGHT ANTIDEPRESSANT FOR YOU, they make you feel great! I have been on antidepressants for 30+ years because I get depressed easily and to help decrease my fibromyalgia pain. Over the years, as my situation has changed so has the antidepressant medication.

www.drugs.com/drug-class/antidepressants.html
This website has excellent information about antidepressants. There are at least six main types (classes) of antidepressants: tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors, monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), and the atypical antidepressants, such as bupropion. Each type has a slightly different action on specific neurotransmitters. Side effects also differ between classes. You and your doctor will need to work closely together to find the right antidepressant for you and your situation.

WebMD has some short videos about depression:
www.webmd.com/depression/find-happy-17/video-basics-depression
www.webmd.com/depression/find-happy-17/video-basics-antidepressants

TALK THERAPY (AKA Counseling) is also helpful in dealing with depression. This forum is another source of help. Please keep us posted on your situation. God Bless!
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Leave them be, DC. I take your son didn't think that it was his place to speak up and tell them what was really going on.

Look, people who are legally competent get to make their own bad decisions. And WE are able to put our wellbeing, physical and mental first and say " no, I'm not enabling this fictional independence any longer".
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The wellness check they did from what my son says was just taking vitals and asking everyone how things were going. And of course my parents said fine, find. So i contacted my mothers nurses one said they were sorry to hear what was going on the other one said she would contact the social worker assigned to us. Havent heard a thing.
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dc: I am glad that the poem helped you.
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Nickie1970: You're ever so welcome. I am glad that you liked the poem.
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Loopy? um, no.

I've been on antidepressants a couple of times in my life. Post Partum for number 2 (was suicidal; also, I was hospitalized). Again, during a tough patch when I was in grad school, soon to be ex was acting up ,etc. Made me able to cope, not want to just lie down and die. And then again, when I entered menopause and just started crying for no reason.

That last time, I was at a community synagogue dinner, helping to cook and my adult daughter came upon me weeping. She said "mom, what's wrong!?" I said, "Aunt Rosana's mom is dying and I can't do anying about it!".

We both started laughing, because it was just so ridiculous. Of COURSE I couldn't do anything about my SIL's mom dying! Most depressions? they attach themselves to whatever reason is available. Get meds. You will feel better! You will get through this, stronger and wiser.

PS, I have not been on anti depressant meds for many years now.
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And the poem, is such a simple reminder why in the beginning i wanted to take care of my parents. It makes me think ive lost a little of the perspective wanting everything just right. In taking care of my parents nothing is easy but i do love them. I have to remember that.
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Barbbrooklyn. Thank you for your wisdom. Im sort of afraid of antidepressants, dont know why. Do they make you loopy? And im over due for a complete physical. It seems im always doing something else. And you are right i did move out of the famiky home. Adult services did a well check today. We are meeting up tomorrow with the nurses to get a plan in order that is best for everyone. Im not going to move back in. I can help a million other ways. I cant go back there. I shake at the thought. So ive got a list going of priorities. I thought adult services and me getting out of the toxic enviroment were number1. Now lets see what they think.... i cant wait.
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Thanks Llamalover47!!! That is a beautiful poem! Thanks for sharing!!
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Smeshque: You and everyone are very welcome. That ode is so touching.
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DC, I am glad that you are going to talk to the hospice nurse. I understand why you think that moving out wasn’t the answer and that it didn’t solve anything quickly or immediately; however, moving out just might be a step in the right direction and solve something in the long run. Moving out is a positive step for you because it gives you some space of your own where you can relax, chill out, calm down, meditate, think, or look at the situation from a different perceptive without your parents standing or sitting right next to you watching every move you make.
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you need to see your doctor and that you might benefit from antidepressants, talk therapy or both. You have been going through so much right now. Keep us updated on your situation.
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LL- Thank so very much for the poem, we all need a good reminder.
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Dc: The poem that I posted may not help you. You should see a doctor, if you saddened. Please do not wait. And please listen to BarbBrooklyn's wisdom. 
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THIS IS THE POEM...


Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter

“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago.” Just listen, please.

Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way. Remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair, and dealing with life’s issues every day.

The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient, or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad—just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling daughter.”
Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter posted by A Place for Mom Staff
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Im just at my wits end. Everything has crashed in around me. I just dont know what to do. I know im losing it. Me leaving wasnt the answer either. It hasnt helped me solve anything. My parents are still my parents. And they arent getting the help they need. I know it. Im going to call the hospice nurse and see what she says.
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DC, I read on another thread that you've had to move out of your parent's home due to you dad's irrational behavior.

Do you have a doctor? You need to get yourself in there and talk about your all the time sadness. You might benefit from antidepressants, talk therapy or both.

I'm hoping that the hospice nurses will take note of dad's behavior and get him evaluated for dementia.
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Please if you can find it. I need something somewhere to give me something positive to look on. Im so sad. All the time.
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I have to say, in the end what good would it really do to be resentful, acrimonious or bitter that we had to care for our mother or our father? Why would we want that to replay in our minds every day? There exists a letter that a mother writes to her children. I must locate it very soon because it epitomizes this thread. If anyone knows of it, kindly post it. Thank you in advance.
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When Mother broke her neck and became so ill with blood clots and heart problems,many times she acted like a baby.She curled her fingers around mine as I gave her drinks of water,and I had to feed her like a baby.She was so frail and weak and scared.I wanted to help her and I felt like I was the MaMa bird and she was the baby bird.I loved her and wanted to protect her and everything just came naturally through time.
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Dcurnan, glad to hear that you have a smoking schedule and that it gives you an opportunity to share time with your mother. As you can tell by what others write, the future isn't pretty or very positive.
Even though Mom and I were "roommates", it hasn't been a bed of roses. Plenty of times, Mom & I disagreed and we have this tendency to "feed off of each other's emotions" until neither of us can take it and we would both disappear to our separate parts of the house (Mom to her bedroom & me to the bedroom in the basement).
Since 2015, Mom's ability to perform ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) has slowly been declining. She no longer was able to cook or clean and we had to go over the bills 2-4 times because she didn't remember what we had paid. I quit sleeping in the basement in Jan 2017 when Mom tried to walk down the stairs because she heard me scream for help (I hadn't screamed-I was quietly reading a book in bed). 2017 was the "YEAR FROM HELL"!!!! (That is for another conversation that I might start if I can quit crying when I talk about everything that happened.) Mom is now at a LTC Memory Care Unit because she needs assistance with her ADLs: eating, getting dressed, toileting, etc. & uses a wheelchair; and because she thinks that I live in _______________ (fill in the blank) such as Hawaii, Florida, California,...; thinks that my brother lives in the house & teaches school (he lives in another state & is not a teacher) and that we gambled away all of her money and sold our two farms. She can hold a conversation for 15 minutes and then wheels away from you or puts the phone down.
BlackHole, you are right about elderly parents re-writing their adult children’s reality--no matter how nice or mean the parents are.
Feelings of denial, sadness, exhaustion, guilt, resentment, fear of unknown...I have them all. While 2017 was HELL, 2018 is better because Mom is in a LTC facility. It is hard to have or make good memories, yet my brother & I try. We all have to cope in our own way. Not all of us are caregivers. Thank goodness for this forum. There is a kinship that we can't get anywhere else.
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I agree with smeshque. And thanks for the reminder! Just to love them and keep them safe!! One day I was so frustrated with my mom not taking her meds/vitamins and telling me she did. I said, "What am I suppose to do with you??!!" She said, "Love me and tolerate me." And she's exactly right lol. I couldn't say anything to that.
It is frustrating sometimes being the "parent". My mom's not all there some of the time, but my dad is, but he's no help-as much as I think (hope) he wants to be. I say, please make sure she takes her meds, as I run out the door to work, but he believes her when she says she took them. So I just make sure myself when I come home. My parents have been phenomenal throughout my life and I'm grateful. I try to remind myself that they won't be here forever, enjoy them now. It's a good opportunity to give back to them, for all they've done for me. I certainly couldn't do it without God's strength though, that's for sure!
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Funny how we’re all wired differently. My mother’s “being dishonest about health conditions” sent me into a spiral of resentment.

There was no entertaining the thought of being Mom’s roommate. Cuz that would require a spirit of “meeting me halfway” that Mom didn’t have. And quite frankly, never had.

Mom spent the last 5 years of her life alternating between THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME and martyr and stoic mute.

Mom didn’t know what she was dealing with, either. Cuz she refused to see a doctor. Despite having top-tier medical insurance and more-than-adequate $ and a long-term care policy.

When elderly parents become their own worst enemy, they re-write their adult children’s reality.

Denial? Moderate denial? No denial? Doesn’t matter. From here on in, forget good memories. You probably won’t be making any.

Very draining for those of us who can still drive safely, write legibly and execute a plan. (H*ll, can execute a grocery list in less than 3 hours.)

For many of us caregivers, role-reversal could have been a good outcome. If the stubborn — and legally competent — old goat would have allowed it.
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My mother once said "you just expect me to keep going along" {insert living alone as always}. No, I was not that naive and had been working for a living solution for her for many years. It is of paramount importance that we let them have dignity and never to treat them like children. When it became apparent that she was not truthful about health conditions, I gladly moved there in with her in Massachusetts from my Maryland, putting my life on hiatus because I loved my dear late mother. I would move heaven and earth for my mother.
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