Our mother is suffering from advanced dementia and we take care of her and have been caring for her 24/7.


Unless we get a little time to grocery shop or something important if someone comes over to stay with her and care for her. This has been a most difficult time day in and day out but she has been the best mother possible to all of her children and we don't want to put her in a NH unless absolutely necessary. The thing is that we have friends that had a parent in a facility that cared for the person 24/7. And this was even in a different state. The couple kept in touch with a sibling who did most of the work in keeping the parent there, as far as I know. The thing is, I have been told that this person was going through the same thing that I was. I tried to explain that it was different as I was with my parent almost 24/7 and caring for her, but this other person only knew most of the time what was going on but didn't have to take care of him. I think a couple of times they would make a trip there and get a hotel room and visit, but to me this sounds like a vacation! I don't mean to complain and I'm really not, but would just like other opinions if you think this is the same. I was told people deal with this in different ways and each one goes through a different thing in their own way. I agree with this but as far as caring for the person goes, I think this is a big difference.



Karyll, I understand what you are saying. I took care of my mother for 6 years. I didn't get to go out much. When their in a facility, they change them, bath them, feed them, they do everything. When they are home with you , you have to do everything. It is not easy but I am happy I did it. My mom died 5 1/2 weeks ago and I miss her but I know how hard it is. I will tell you please get a caregiver to come in a few hours a couple of times a week I know it is expensive but you need some time for you. I paid somebody to stay with my mother when I went to church on sundays. That really helped me.

"This has been a most difficult time day in and day out but she has been the best mother possible to all of her children and we don't want to put her in a NH unless absolutely necessary."

Are you the only one doing the caregiving? What about your siblings? It's easy to say THEY don't want to put her in a NH, isn't it? But what about YOU? Sounds like YOU are the caregiver, not them. Please clarify.

karyll, sounds like you are trying to compare taking care of a parent at home and taking care of a parent who is in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. Like, which is more demanding?

Both have their own set of challenges, and both can become overwhelming depending on the caregiver, the caregivers age and the caregivers own health. Plus not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver which makes it more difficult for that person. Then there is the physical and mental health of the parent. There are times when a parent needs a higher level of care that just can't delivered at home.

Believe me, it is no vacation.

I am not sure what you’re asking. Are you considering sending Mom to a nursing home? I don’t understand what you are saying with the person who had a sibling in another state and—- who was primarily responsible for their loved one?

Placing a loved one in a facility does not mean you think they are a terrible person and you want to abandon them. Sometimes, when caring for them becomes to be too stressful for us, unsafe for them, and we find ourselves resenting them, it’s time. What kind of person they were in the past shouldn’t have a bearing on our decision. Even the best, most loving and most caring parents there ever were can become unreasonable, combative and hard to care for as dementia ravages their brains. I believe it’s actually not fair to them to be kept in their child’s home where caring for them may be becoming more and more difficult.

I hope you can send us a post with a more clear explanation of what you’re asking. There are many people here who are very experienced and very willing to help.