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I am sorry for yet another post. She's not even a month back and already I'm in constant turmoil. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I don't know where else to take it.


My mom burned through her recent Norco RX early and was at the pain doctor getting more pills yesterday.


Her drug seeking and dependence, the continue lies, the charades, ALL of it can not sustain itself. Even if I don't say anything and "let the chips fall" which was where I wanted to head.... just stay out of it... but I now fully realize her behavior is too extreme and there are only two options.


1- My mother's doctors agree that she can safely stay on opiates for life to manage her mood, phantom pain, whatever other personality disorder or issue that drives her to do this, and she gets "permission" to remain opiate dependent. That will at least end the lies and risky behavior on her end to constantly be trying to obtain these pills. By risky behavior I mean her constant lies to family and her doctors and the conning to get the pills. I'm not the first person she conned into an ER visit in recent moths.


2- Her doctors don't agree that she remain on constant and increasing opiates and THEY help her wean off in a medical detox setting and THEY come up with a professional care plan.


I realize that BOTH of those options will require my intervention. By intervention I mean I need to inform her doctors and that pain doctor of her lies and deceit. I want THEM to tell me what the best course of action is because quite frankly I do not know.


Nor do I care if she stays on opiates forever. This isn't about judgement. This is about me not wanting to deal with the fall out of this addictive behavior when it goes very wrong, which is inevitable at this point.


She has a trip planned to her old area to visit her best friend. The same friend who was caring for her and is well aware of her issues minus the opiate addiction. My mom can not wait for that trip. Since it is in 2 weeks and she has a new pill supply (so no WD issues while away) I plan to speak to her doctors while she is gone. I want her to enjoy this trip. I don't want any intervention now to ruin that because as I said she is really looking forward to it.


But when she returns, one way or the other she will learn of my intervention.


I hate every living breathing second of this, and if she explodes, won't cooperate with her doctors, hates me etc.... then I will literally go NO CONTACT and tell my siblings someone will have to come pick her up because I AM DONE.

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Please don't drive yourself crazy over it, the Drs have to wean her off the pills, if they think it's a problem. Can you base your input on what works for now, & what makes mom easier2 manage? I mean, if she keeps the opiates just for now, & ask the Drs to re-visit the issue every 6mo, for adjustment. The more you struggle over it, the worse it will be for you, so try & take small steps, not feel like everthing has 2 be perfect right now cuz it's a long road.
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You don’t have to be an accomplice piper. Honestly I see no reason why you shouldn’t tell her to buzz off when she wants to go to the ER. And quite frankly, the ER staff should be able to pick up on the fact that she’s there for opioids. If they aren’t already familiar with her.....they deal with enough addicts that come in looking for opioids that they should pick up on her too. When I got rear ended while pregnant, the woman in the “area” next to me was an opioid addict looking for pills and it was obvious to me that the staff knew it by the way they treated her. You can hear everything in the ER here I swear! I actually had a view from my curtained off area of a big TV sized monitor that displayed a list of patient names and why they were there, I kid you not! Anyway this woman was there with her kids can one was probably 7-8 and the other was 14-16......her story was that she & her mom had gotten in to an arguement and her mom hit her on the neck and she was in pain. (If anything happened, I doubt she was hurt badly enough that she need a Norco prescription!). They put her in an enclosed area next to mine and by the time I was discharged 4 hours later, she still hadn’t seen a doctor. She also occupied the bathroom for about 30 minutes and The toilet flushed every few minutes. I had to use the bathroom and she was in there so long and with all the flushed even the nurse was suspicious and had me to taken to another dept to use the toilet! Anyway.....you don’t have to be an accomplice. If you know she’s not in pain and just needs her fix.....let her figure out how to get the pills herself. Let her make a fool of herself.
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So should I just tell her to buzz off when she wants me to take her on an ER visit for opiates and embarrasses herself trying to get opiates by faking pain with histrionics that make the nursing staff alert me?

She was kicked out at 11 AM after being admitted the night before. My problem is unfortunately bigger than just having the luxury of ignoring HER problems.

Otherwise I would believe me.
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my mom was extremely bipolar as far back as i can remember . let me tell you -- her self medicating with scrip pain pills still resulted in emotional stability and they made her life more ' worth living ' to her .

our first hospice nurse commented that its a shame the docs let her have opiates . the second one ( and wiser one imo ) said " so f'n what ? she found comfort in them . i wouldnt want to be the ogre telling her any different .

life is hard . dont tell people how to live theirs . and i dont mean that in a hateful way .
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Piper..........this isn't about narcissism and going no contact, etc. It's about drug addiction and how to cope/what to do about IT. We know a bunch of techniques to deal with NPD, but not so much about how to deal with drug addiction. THAT is the point of going to Al Anon meetings............to gain THEIR insight on what to do next/how to deal with your mother, etc. Betcha they've seen dementia folks who are addicted to pain pills, too. The Betty Ford Center is FILLED with people who have opiate addiction.........it's rampant in our society, meaning people from ALL walks of life suffer from it. My recommendation to you isn't to ignore your mother.....it's to get help figuring out HOW to help her, what to do next, etc. I know you love her and want to help, and I would too..........I just wouldn't know how w/o help from others who've walked in those footsteps before me.

BEST OF LUCK!!!
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Lealonnie thank you I know you get narcissistic mother mental Hell, but her current proximity to me and constant presence in my life is forcing me to deal with this, I can’t just walk away. It would be the equivalent of leaving a disabled person alone with NOBODY watching out.

That why I’m starting with her doctors. I need them involved at this point.

By by the end of November this will be resolved one way or another, and then I’ll get help for my emotional damage. Again.
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Thanks I do need to know how others who have BTDT coped. What concerns me though is my mom also has dementia and needs supervision on an increasing basis just to get by, so that complicates the entire picture.

I know I can’t control her but I’m still at the point I feel like I need to do what is necessary to keep her safe from disaster because for now that fallout will land on my lap.
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You are trying to fix something that YOU cannot fix. You will continue to jump thru the fiery hoops, burning yourself over & over again in the process, until and unless you get help YOURSELF via Al Anon or Nar-Anon in dealing with all of it. You are living next door to her, to boot, so I'm sure that makes you feel like you HAVE to be involved, you HAVE to help her, you HAVE to fix this FOR her, etc, yet you don't know HOW.

Go to a meeting TODAY. Don't wait another moment. Don't keep going over the 'options' for your mother in your mind.........it's like being a hamster on a wheel. You'll never get to the 'finish line' because there ISN'T one!

Go listen to others who have walked in your shoes and let them help you figure out what to do next, ok?

Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the very best of luck.
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I second, or third, the suggestion of Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon). And don't wait, find a meeting today.

The things you learn there will help you with the craziness this situation brings. Hearing from others and having people who have already been through this is going to be super beneficial for you. You'll never be able to stop her or control her addiction, but you can learn better ways for you to interact with her and behave around all of this. Al-Anon meetings are all about sharing experience, strength, and hope with friends and families of alcoholics (or addicts) - it's going to be just what you need.

And another group of people supporting you as you walk through all this, is a great thing!
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No but that’s apparently what I need to do. My councilor mentioned Al-anon to me in the past. Yeah looking back I told my counselor over the summer I had concerns about her opiates use, but we didn’t spend a bunch of time on it because I was still trying to deny this was going to be yet another problem.

Thanks for responding. The best case scenario is my mom agrees to a medical detox and gets off this addiction train. I imagine it is very difficult to live like that being ruled by these damn pills. She never took opiates until she was over prescribed in late 2014 after a shoulder surgery. I don’t think she’s been off them since.

Before that my mom was much more vibrant, walked for exercise, her mood swings weren’t as extreme and overall she was much better (for her). Makes me wonder how much this has affected her dementia.
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Piper,

Have you contacted your local mental health services to see if there are any local support groups for the families of addicts?

https://www.nar-anon.org/ is one such group.

Even if she is living elsewhere as she was over the summer, you are still dealing with the issues she creates. You need support for you as the adult child of an addict.
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