As briefly as possible--I cared for my alcoholic, mentally ill father when my mother had had enough. I was 22. Hospitals and nursing homes. Mother died in 2008 of ALS.
Now my FIL is ill. Just when my hubby and I were going to be empty nesters, we are instead dealing with a second hospitalization and rehab stay in 6 months. Oddly, he's not really the problem. It's my negative, passive-aggressive, non-driving MIL. For the sake of convenience, she'll be moving in with us while he's in rehab. It's terribly unlikely he'll ever go back to their independent living apartment.
It's only my husband and myself looking after them. His brother is looking after their special needs 3rd brother.
I'm feeling sad about the loss of what was going to be a bit of freedom for us. I know this is just the beginning of a very long row to hoe. This could go on for years, as Dad is medically fine--just incontinent and very, very shaky on his feet.
Frankly, I'm scared that if I feel this way now--what will get me through this?
Hm. I wonder if a dangerous precedent was set the first time, and MIL stayed in the OP's and her husband's home then?
Do NOT have her move in with you. Do not drive her to the rehab. You are allowed to say " no".
Even if it is much less convenient for you, let your MIL stay in her home. Bringing her into your home is the camel's nose under the tent.
You're fortunate - you have six months to think this thru and come up with a couple workable plans. Practice saying "it's not possible for us to do that". It's a sanity saving mantra.
If MIL wants to visit every day, she can get a cab, can't she? And then once or twice a week, as you and DH think right, you can take her and visit too. It's no bad thing for an elderly lady to make friends with a reliable cab driver or two, and it's not reasonable for MIL to expect you and/or DH to act as unpaid chauffeurs.
How long do you expect the rehab stay to be? At first I misread your post and was thinking aghast "six MONTHS? Six months in rehab??? Wow!" - but then I understood that the op and rehab after are due to take place in six months' time, is that right?
If she can get there on her own, fine. Otherwise , leave her be.
She stayed with him in the last rehab place. I'm convinced her negativity kept him from getting better on schedule. Conversely, he stayed with her in rehab when she had hip replacement. It's what they do. Getting her to leave the hospital at all nearly drove me to say things I can't take back.
She won't listen to reason. So, as much as I'd like to tell her---"live your life, we'll take you to see him 3x a week" she won't have it.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I very much appreciate the ideas and hopefully can implement some of them. Since we're new to this, we're struggling with boundaries.😜
Could your MIL find other transportation to rehab? There is Access Services where we live. It doesn't cost much. There is an application form that needs to be filed out.
Going everyday would be difficult. I would take her a 1 or 2 times a week.
Do you think they are going to want to stay at your house when this is over? You need to think about this.
Why does she have to go to the rehab every day? When people are in rehab, they are doing hard work and need time to rest. Have her visit one weekend day a week. You guys pop in on weeknights for a few minutes.
It's complicated and straight forward, all at the same time.😖
The convenience part would be for us, oddly enough. Think of a triangle with each side representing about 20+ miles. The points represent In-Laws apartment, our home and the rehab place. Getting from our place to their apartment puts us through one of the most ill-constructed set of intersections in our city. It can take a half hour to get through 2 traffic lights. Going to get her each day to take her to spend the day with him at rehab and then returning her each night would be maddening. We would be tied to his schedule until rehab ends.
Previous to this latest hospitalization, we told them they have to move to assisted living and actually put $$ down to hold a room. The place doesn't open til late November.
It is our fondest wish that they'll end up there. However, I'm feeling as though my FIL may no longer qualify as "assisted" living possible.
I'm just running on sadness and what-ifs and maybes.
My hubby supports me the best he knows how. He's just more able to put things in boxes--"We don't know what we don't know. Let's just get him to rehab and see how it goes from there. Don't get upset at something we aren't for certain is going to turn out badly."
You can be a caring caretaker for a loved one without them living in your house. If I felt overwhelmed about it, I'd discuss with your husband and come to an agreement.
How old are you? How old are the in-laws? It really sounds as if the plan is for them both to move in with you and your husband. (WHY????)
What is their financial situation?
If you don't think dad will ever be able to return to their current apartment, where do you think he will need to be? (Hint: "our home" is NOT the correct answer!) Have you talked this over with the rehab people? If he is likely to need assisted living, this might be a good time to start visiting and evaluating facilities in your area.
Even if it is inconvenient for you to take MIL places and help with her needs while she is in independent living, I think it will be worth it to avoid setting the precedent that your inlaws can move into your home. You don't need her negativity!
Why isn't she staying in Independent Living where there are activities and other folks around?