I just have to get this out. My 81-year-old mother, who was already using a cane/walker, fell a couple of months ago and has been in a rehab/skilled nursing facility for most of the time since. She's utterly miserable, as anybody would be, and I'm not sure she'll ever walk again.
I'm her only child, a two-hour flight away. I know that's rough. But even before the fall, she'd make self-pitying comments about not having anyone to do things for her, and a CONSTANT running monologue about how her friend's husband does her friend's bidding like a footman. (She married and divorced my dad *twice*). Recently when she said she longed to go outside, I suggested she could get somebody to wheel her out to the courtyard (she has plenty of visitors), and she snapped, "That's for people with families," (Huh?) Whenever she goes all wavery-voiced and tells me plaintively, "You're all I have," it fills me with rage.
Her old age and illness are not my fault (although it feels like they are), and now she wants me to feel bad that I don't have brothers or sisters? And speaking of brothers and sisters, am I wrong in thinking that very few elderly people--regardless of how many kids they have--pretty much have only one child who's actively involved in their care anyway? I don't even know what I'm asking, I guess I'm just venting. Wish I could rent a sibling.
Adjusting to the losses age brings can be relentless. Reduction in friends, becoming lonely. Reduction in health, loss of independance.
Some things just can't be fixed.. But, our attitude can change!
With a positive spin "You're all I have" could be spun into "I'm so lucky to have you in my life". I don't mean to stamp a super-happy smiley face emoji over every real feeling Mom expresses, no. It's OK to be sad, to be lonely, to get down. It's OK if Mom feels she can be real with you, but there is a difference between having a heartfelt conversation & an over-used woe-is-me on repeat.
Do you get the vibe Mom is depressed? If so, that may be worth talking to Mom & her Doctor about?
This reduction in my life has hit me at such a young age. It is hard not to be depressed about it. Especially when I see how much time I continue to flush down the toilet dealing with my parents' issues. I am determined not to let it get me down but boy this is hard
You mother is trying at manipulation of you and guilt-tripping. She expects you to quit your job, get her out of the rehab, move in with her and basically become a slave to her. My mother pulled this with me and I have siblings.
When your mother starts up with 'You're all I have' nonsense which is a manipulation tool, you should ask her 'Whose fault is that?' You do not owe your life to your mother. She is in care which is where she's supposed to be.
You did not cause her fall or her old age. It's not your fault.
Tell her plainly that is she can no longer hold a normal conversation that isn't a manipulative guilt-trip, you will no longer call her or visit. Tell her up front that you're not moving her in with you, nor are you going to move to her area to live with and take care of her. Let her know this.
When she starts up on the phone with you, that's when you end the call.