Follow
Share

I just have to get this out. My 81-year-old mother, who was already using a cane/walker, fell a couple of months ago and has been in a rehab/skilled nursing facility for most of the time since. She's utterly miserable, as anybody would be, and I'm not sure she'll ever walk again.



I'm her only child, a two-hour flight away. I know that's rough. But even before the fall, she'd make self-pitying comments about not having anyone to do things for her, and a CONSTANT running monologue about how her friend's husband does her friend's bidding like a footman. (She married and divorced my dad *twice*). Recently when she said she longed to go outside, I suggested she could get somebody to wheel her out to the courtyard (she has plenty of visitors), and she snapped, "That's for people with families," (Huh?) Whenever she goes all wavery-voiced and tells me plaintively, "You're all I have," it fills me with rage.
Her old age and illness are not my fault (although it feels like they are), and now she wants me to feel bad that I don't have brothers or sisters? And speaking of brothers and sisters, am I wrong in thinking that very few elderly people--regardless of how many kids they have--pretty much have only one child who's actively involved in their care anyway? I don't even know what I'm asking, I guess I'm just venting. Wish I could rent a sibling.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

35 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Why must you "rent a sibling"?? are children's sole role in life to take care of elderly parent? I think not, that is not our only purpose in life.
Based on what you have told us, I would reply that: you mother made some mistakes in earlier adulthood, when she was an adult and could have set herself up for the future. As you mention, she has no spouse , as she married and divorced your dad twice. Should could have set herself up to be around friends of her age (some of whom may be physically fitter, and able to spend time with her, and help out somewhat). She could have made friends with neighbors, or fellow churchgoers (if religious), or friends from activities....the list goes on....but she could have set herself up better, aside from expecting you to jump when she is in this state...
(6)
Report
She is very unhappy.
I am 82.
Old age isn't a time of happiness. You cannot make her happy and it is not your RESPONSIBILITY to make her happy. She wasn't born yesterday. There have been many many times in her long life that she was unhappy and this is but another one of them. There are many losses and this is a time of losses and sadly there is no "upside coming".

She laments that "YOU ARE ALL I HAVE". No, she doesn't have you. She gave birth to a child. She raised that child the best she could. She did her best given her limitations. Her child came to the age of MAJORITY and then that is IT. That is the time the child is set FREE to live her life. Her obligations are moving forward. They are to herself, to her family, to the children she brings into this world. You mother does not have you. Your mother HAD HER LIFE. Now she is at the end of it.

My brother in his 80s said of his ALF "You know hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the army. I didn't much like it, but I made the best of it." And he DID. He did his best not to burden those who had to stand witness to his losses. THAT is courage and honor.

I am 82. My parents spent a lifetime seeing to it we would not be responsible for them. I have done the same for my own daughter. She is well aware that she must NEVER EVER consider for one second giving up her own life, the most free time of her life now, to care for me. I will go into care when I need to. Will I like it! No, you betcha I will not. But I will, as my brother did, "make the best of it". Just as I have tried to make the best of it when things are tough all of my life.
We die as we lived. I was an RN and I believe that to my core. We are who we are and we don't much change. I will say that being old doesn't do much for our sense of humor, but we should be ASHAMED if we put this on our children.
(13)
Report
Are you your Mom's PoA? Does your Mom have dementia? If so I would contact her facility and tell them she needs meds for depression. If she's already on something, tell them they need adjusting or something different. I'm also an only. For my first 20 years I was raised by my single Mom and her 2 older sisters who never married nor had kids. All in the same home. That's right: I'm an only child with basically 3 Mothers (now down to 2). My husband is PoA for his Mom, and we had a hellish time trying to get the stepFIL under control when his 2 sons wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole (for good reasons). My advice to you is get your Mom's med situation worked out as that is the most practical solution in the short term. Then I think it would be beneficial for you to see a therapist to help you find and defend your boundaries with your Mom. As another long-term participant on this forum points out: you didn't create the "problem" of being an only child and you aren't responsible to/cannot fix it. But out of mercy for your Mom I would at least try to help her by addressing her depression since (if she is now in dementia) she is not very able to do it herself. You may also consider contacting the facility's Activities Director (if they have one) or their Chaplin to do some visitation. They need to also know she is struggling. I wish you success in working out your role with your Mom and peace in your heart for however you choose to deal with it.
(5)
Report
I wasn't actually going to respond because AlvaDeer said it all perfectly, but then I caught your screen name "LousyDaughter" and had to at least tell you that you are NOT a lousy daughter.
You are a daughter who obviously cares about the well being of her mother, while understanding that her happiness is not on you , but her.
And the fact that you're an only child isn't your fault, nor is the fact that your mothers health is failing or that she's getting old.
So next time your mother tries to play the "feel sorry for me" card, you just tell her that you have to go and say goodbye. Don't play into it.
You can't control your mother, but you can control yourself and your reaction to her. So start there.
And I'm changing your screen name to either "caring daughter" or "only daughter" as that sounds much better than lousy daughter, don't ya think?
(8)
Report
Eh, my mother said the same things to me, the only child, and adopted at that, so I should've been eternally thankful and grateful for the care that she gave me as a throw-away that nobody else wanted. In her very old age, I even heard about how disappointed she was to have never "had children of her own". She was the Poor Soul living in AL and woefully neglected while "everyone else" had dutiful children treating them like royalty and bringing them gold, frankincense and myrrh. All she got was a spit in the eye by an ungrateful daughter who wasn't even a REAL daughter, hmmmpffff.

At some point you have to rely on what YOU know in your heart to be true, not the rantings of a manipulative old woman. I know I was a very good daughter to my mother for the entirety of my life, in spite of her not being a very good mother to me. I got shortchanged in that department, as you did. What we did get in return for the heartache is a strong character and an iron will. FIERCE independence where we don't play the Poor Me card no matter how tough life gets! I will always thank my mother for teaching me how NOT to behave to my own children and how to be strong like bull.

Press on my friend, and put the phone on mute when you've had enough. It works a charm. 😉
(12)
Report
To answer your question, I think it’s quite common that the vast majority of the care falls to one child even when there are siblings. It’s true in my case with my parents. My brother barely visits and doesn’t call more than once a month.

My husband has two younger sisters. When their mom was old and sick, all three took part in helping my MIL in various ways. The youngest daughter chose to move in with my MIL and do the lion’s share. She spent a lot of time angry and resentful about it, but it was her choice.

good luck to you.
(4)
Report
I hear you! I’m an only too. My mother actually screamed at me for making her grow old. Called me selfish for marrying and having children instead of looking after her. No matter how much I did for her it was never enough. And all her problems were my fault. Absolutely preposterous!
(9)
Report
I have 4 siblings . It didn’t matter . It all falls on one child .

Some elderly are more verbal about their unhappiness than others. And some elderly try to blame it on others .

I ended up telling my mother “ I did not make you old , I can’t fix old.”

Sorry you are having guilt trips placed on you. It’s not your fault Mom is old
(11)
Report
You may be able to hire a sibling. There are companions. Home heath aides. It would not have to be everyday or all day. Home Health aides do light cleaning, laundry and cooking. Could take her to appts and shopping. Maybe out to lunch.They assist in bathing. Help remind to take meds. (Some States don't allow aides to handle medications unless certified) It would be some company.
If Mom has been like this all her life, you are not going to change her now. I had a friend like this, she was a Debbie Downer. She had certain expectations of people and when they did not fit her expectations, she was miserable. You'd suggest, she would have a reason why she couldn't do it. You can't live Moms life for her. Explain to her that you will not be moving back to her State. That how her life goes is all up to her not you.
(6)
Report
Imagine being 1 of 3 surviving adult children, and being the ONLY one taking care of everything. Mom is in AL, but that doesn't make her less dependent on me (because she refused to ask staff for any help with anything). While one of my siblings does work 16 hours a day at 61 years old, and is also still raising a child, with his wife, the other lives with her adult daughter and works from home 3 days a week, yet cannot find the time to go visit Mom, or do anything for her. Long story short, She could not be trusted with the financial end things(with proof she couldn't be trusted), and doesn't have the slightest understanding of medical things (I am a healthcare worker with some knowledge and understanding, but not anywhere near an expert on anything but my own work). Meanwhile, I work 2 jobs, am raising two teenagers, am a single parent, housing my adult daughter (who has been amazing throughout this, but needs to take more responsibility as an adult in this house). Whether you're the only child of someone who needs care, or the only one who is willing or capable of stepping up for the parent who needs care, it's overwhelming. People will try to make you feel guilty or like a horrible person if you take time for yourself, or just live your own life as much as you can. I feel your frustration. You have every right to it. You're right. This isn't your fault. And it's my opinion as a fellow "only one", you don't have to tolerate that. I don't know if your mother has dementia or is just aged, either way, you do not have to tolerate it. But, trying to draw a boundary and ask HER not to cross it is a waste of time. The boundary you draw is the line that you won't cross. Only you can decide where those lines are, and what healthy thing you can do for *yourself*, that will allow you to keep your physical and mental health. As much as I know people will criticize me for it, I have decided to take a break from visiting with my mom until *I* feel *I* want to and need to. That could be weeks or months. Who knows. It might even include phone calls and messages. She is well cared for, and no one else has lived my unique experience (each of our experiences with our LO is unique to us). Only you know what you need.
(10)
Report
@strugglinson,

THAT part.
(1)
Report
I'd like to add, you did rent siblings. She's in an SNF. The staff are your rented siblings.
(10)
Report
I can relate to your comments. As an only child I have wished for a sibling so many times to help. My Mom has also made comments about others in her senior's home having more company than she does, which is not my fault being an only child!!! I cared for her at home for 5 years prior to her moving to a lovely seniors home. I live close by, visit a lot, speak to her several times a day, take her places , take her to appointments etc etc but it is never enough. When I do something for myself the silence is deafening. So frustrating. Last year was hell for me, on chemo, but I just passed my first year cancer free. I am now living my life as much as possible and still being available for my Mom, but like I said...it is never enough.
(7)
Report
Onlychild07, if all you do is never enough anyway, why do so much? I reached that conclusion myself after years of jumping thru fiery hoops for nuthin. What's the point when they're gonna bitterly complain anyway? Cut down your interactions and focus on YOUR health and YOUR life now, that's my suggestion.

Congrats on being cancer free for 1+ year, that's a huge milestone!! As of Feb 23, it'll be 2 yrs for me! 😁
(8)
Report
Your mother is playing a guilt trip on you. I wouldn't be surprised that she interacts with people more than she is telling you. I have a sister around this age. She was miserable in the rehab at first, but now she is surrounded by people her own age. She has three ladies that she has befriended. They sit up late at night in the day room ordering pizza and listening to music. Her daughter was complaining that she shouldn't be up that late, and yadda, yadda, yadda. The point is, sister adjusted well to her new home. From what I hear, it is a very nice facility.

Take care of yourself. When your mother starts with this nonsense, just excuse yourself and get off the phone. Maybe stretching out visits and allowing her to interact with others. This is the stage in life where she now. Acceptance of this fact is the key here.

I have a daughter too, but I would never want her saddled with my care if I got old and disabled.
(6)
Report
Whatever you do, don’t let her guilt you into moving to help her. You will regret it. The two-hour flight away is just fine.
(5)
Report
I sympathise on behalf of my husband. He’s the only child leg & he moved to Australia 2Oyrs ago to marry me!
We thought at the time we may live in USA after kids were grown but financial circumstances that didn’t happen. My MIL lays the guilt on him all the time, says that he lied to her about coming back & now she’s all alone bla bla bla.
This woman has done nothing but cause upset & drama & in the 20+ years I’ve known her I can honestly say there is not one happy memory. Every visit she went out of her way to cause drama & on with the accusations of lying about going to USA ti live. She says she needs him to take care of her & I guess until he met me & immigrated he said he would take care of her but we can’t drop everything & fly to USA every week. She really belongs in care but refuses to go & seems to prefer hurting herself so she can tell him about every little misery she’s going through.
This woman did not by any stretch of the imagination take care of him & his brother with horrific consequences for the boys that I won’t go into here.
So I feel for you & what you’re going through.
(2)
Report
"And speaking of brothers and sisters, am I wrong in thinking that very few elderly people--regardless of how many kids they have--pretty much have only one child who's actively involved in their care anyway?"

No you're not wrong. I'm the youngest kid and my sibling will not help me in any way, shape, or form with our dad. They also did not help out mom on several occasions.

Ex: one of my parents decided to sell their house and move out of state. My sibling lived 10 minutes away and did not help my parent pack AT ALL. For MONTHS.

Sibling sure had no problem showing up when we were literally locking the house, take some pictures, and then make a dramatic ass social media post, though. 🙄
(4)
Report
Fellow only child here. I feel your pain and frustration. Wouldn't rent-a-sibling be an amazing service? My partner is the youngest of four siblings and I envy his peace of mind every single day.

Just commiserating with your experience. I live a 4-hour flight from my mom and she's constantly saying stuff like your mom says to you. She talks about not having a family, about how her cat is her only company. Meanwhile she's done nothing to cultivate or maintain relationships with her extended family and/or lifelong friends who WANT to be in touch with her, but she doesn't respond when they reach out. Nor will she travel to visit me and my family (she "doesn't really like to fly," meaning if I want to see her I have to travel across the country every time).

It's hard, isn't it?
(3)
Report
Do you know any of her friends?
If so could you contact one of them and ask if they would be willing to take mom out in the courtyard for a little walk?
You might not be far off when you suggest that you "rent a sibling" Contact the facility and ask if they have volunteers that would take mom out in the courtyard once in a while.
I am going to assume (I know not a good idea) that mom is now there long term. If she is unable to progress with her rehab and if she is not able to manage on her own they will / can not discharge her back home unless she has a caregiver. This might be a difficult thing for her to accept.
(2)
Report
I can relate. My father lived 3 hours away from me and after a sepsis infection from a back surgery, his kidneys shut down and on dialysis now. I transferred him to skilled nursing followed by assisted living minutes from me. He has been in and out of the hospital again for a repeat infection which greatly affects his ability to recover any mobility whatsoever. He gets hospital delirium and is convinced staff is trying to drug him or kill him. Once he is out and in AL, it clears up and he is mentally fine. He never says "I am all he has". I know I am all he has and thats my struggle. It is exhausting. I am now in therapy and on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. I wake in the middle of the night and cannot get the thoughts of the decisions I have to make and the what ifs. He wants to go home at some point, but I don't know if that will ever happen. It has consumed my life for the past 4 months. It is comforting to know that my feelings of despair are common and natural. I know that the only way I will get my life back is when he loses his. I know that is a selfish thought to have and I feel guilty for it, but I am suffering too.
(5)
Report
Your Mom is having a Pity Party, table for one. Having another sibling is no guarantee of any real help. Your Mom knows she can ask someone to wheel her outside on a nice day. She is trying to manipulate you to feel sorry for her, and convince you to be her caregiver slave.
Remain a 2 hour flight away! Let her know (in most conversations) you're "Sorry you can't help her much being 2 hrs away, but you don't plan to move"...Set up a free Zoom acct, get your Mom a cheap laptop, and meet with her on Zoom a few times a month. Try to keep the Zoom calls fun and cheerful.

At her age, she knows damn well she has to hire people to help her, just like I do. I used to do everything around my house, now I'm limited. No more ladders, etc.

She needs something to look forward to. You don't jump in and save her, or uproot your life. It's not your fault she is old and fell. Just be creative and nicely refuse to come move in, or offer her to come live with you!

Ask the Rehab staff if they know of a friendly companion to help set that laptop up.
(7)
Report
This really hits home with me. My dad has had recent sudden cognitive decline and dementia, I had to do a wellness check with the local police department because he was acting strange on the phone with me and I live across the country. Long story short, he was hospitalized with kidney failure, they resolved some of the kidney stuff, but his cognition has not returned and he cannot live on his own. I am still pressing his skilled nursing facility that he’s now at for an actual diagnosis (“neurologist are booked up months out” but I can’t wait in this limbo for much longer, it’s starting to deteriorate my own life and I can’t move in a forward direction) because I feel like my entire life has been upended in the span of a few months, everything I do outside of my working hours is related to managing this situation, I’m all by myself with no family to help. I’m so angry all the time now, all I do is tell my friends (if it is possible) “don’t just have one child!!!!” because it is so unfair. I go through periods of extreme guilt, extreme depression, followed by extreme rage because somehow it is become my burden in life to manage things that are way beyond my comprehension. I know my dad does not truly mean the things that he says at this point, but even up until this point, I know he is sad that I moved across the country to start a new life, I was very unhappy living where I was and I knew I wasn’t going to live there forever so I took an opportunity when I had it, and every time we talk and he asks me what’s new and I tell him about all the things going on at work and in my life, I do feel that he gets a little frustrated that he is not directly with me all the time, and I feel guilt. I tried to explain to him that even if we lived the next town over from one another, I work six days a week. He wouldn’t be seeing me very much anyways. I’m sorry but it’s a hard fact of the matter. I can’t be his only Reason for existing. We lost my mom 12 years ago to cancer and I do feel horrible that he’s been alone ever since, but I am also alone in many ways and I am managing the best that I can and I’m doing what I need to do to get by. I am exhausted. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having made the decision to move to a different state and have a life of my own, yet I constantly do, and now this situation has occurred exacerbating everything. I feel like I’m losing valuable time in my own life, I’m not getting any sleep, I’m super stressed out about everything to do with this situation and how I’m going to manage it all by myself while also working multiple jobs and living paycheck to paycheck because everything is so damn expensive these days. I completely understand your position and what you are feeling right now
(2)
Report
Next time she complains tell her that maybe she should have stayed married if she wanted a footman. Or had more kids. I assuming she still lives in the area you grew up in and you are the one wo moved away.

My father would throw that 'your all I have' line around or "you'll get all i have" just to get me to do something. It never worked so I don't know why he tried it so often.
(3)
Report
Your last comment is so true for me. I am the eldest of 4 children and I get virtually no help from 2 and the youngest, who lives the furthest away does try to stay with my mother for a week so we can go away. My mother's logic is because I don't have any children then I have the time. Ironic how the middle two have grown up children. Over the years it has annoyed me but I am learning now to only visit 3 times a week (I am 20 minutes away) and stay in touch by text. I retired last year but I am not retired because I am now a carer by default. Lucky my mother is capable of living alone, no mental deterioration yet.

You have to learn how to distance yourself, create boundaries and thst includes not tolerating their nastiness and narcissm. Good luck xx
(4)
Report
I can relate in a way. I remember my dad saying one night to Mom after my sister and I had gone to their house to help with the latest disaster - "What would we do without the girls?" I know he meant it because he was grateful and happy that we were there to help but somehow it just made me feel very conflicted.
(3)
Report
Next time she guilts you for being her only child, ask her point blank why she didn’t have more kids! This is HER fault, and you could blame her for not giving you siblings. Tell her how lonely you were, how terrible it was to have to walk to school alone, how on National Siblings Day you have no one, NO ONE! Sob convincingly. She will be so flabbergasted that she may forget her drama queening.

Siblings often make problems for each other when it comes to caregiving parents. Be secretly glad you don’t have to deal with a hysterical sister as well as a blaming shaming mom.
(6)
Report
M daughter is an only child. I had fertility issues and was unable to have another child.

When I read posts like this one, I file it away for future reference. I want to learn how not to be.
(5)
Report
OH WOW!!!
So happy that you started this thread! It’s exactly what I was thinking of doing, ☺️ Thank you so much!
for now…how about the “But I don’t WANT anyone else “!!!
Again, thank you, I absolutely feel your pain.
more later ❤️
(4)
Report
You struck a cord here my friend! I am late to the game but OMG, this is my life! I thought only my mother used this phrase. And she just used it about an hour ago when she called to ask for the second time if I was ok and where was I. "Take care of yourself, you're all I got and if something happened to you.." I am 56, married for 30 years and she'd been saying this since I was a teen. Both parents live with me (I have a thread on here about that-don't do it is all I can say now) and both are disabled. I tell her each time she shoulda had 12 kids and I would have been quite happy to be which ever one that got to be the forgotten one!
But you are right, even with siblings it seems there is always one that does everything or mostly everything...
(2)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter