One more online game of Solitaire and I just might go mad.

I'm a loner, by nature, nearly a hermit. I am, when around others, fairly gregarious and talkative ... but I prefer my alone time. There was one time in my life when I realized I hadn't had human touch in almost a year, and figured out it that it wasn't a good thing and did stuff to change it.

I'm still a loner, by choice .. and my sanity is kept in tact online. I used to spend 90% of my time online, chatting, blogging, writing in forums. Almost to the addiction level. That's changed to something more like 10% of my time. Now it's a healthy outlet for me, rather than an obsession. My absolute favorite is a virtual world called SecondLife. In all the activities I engage, I'm 100% me and authentic, and I think that helps me a LOT. I don't 'pull punches', I'm honest nearly to a fault and whenever I can (and someone else wants it), I do what I can to help another. I think of it as a good life and rather karmic.

My focus is on paying it forward. I've had lots of help in my life and my goal is to pay it forward, magnified. I had about 5 years of feeling (not entirely unjustified) completely alone, overwhelmed and helpless, because despite all my best efforts I was nearly homeless, and yet there were people who DID help: with land to squat on, a small part time job to buy food, food shelters, etc.

At the end of those five years, I landed here: fulltime caregiver to a good friend. It's where I live .. and breathe. For me, this is a chosen lifestyle (as opposed to a job). It's my calling. It's what I love: I'm good at it and I've got some space to breathe. And .. there are times when I don't think I can do it one more minute, while I watch this lovely woman decline.

I guess my point is: we all have our stories to share. If I were to give any advice, at all (aside from helpful tips, etc.), it would be: LIVE. BREATHE. Do what's right for you, first. Be creative and make good memories, if you can. And, no matter how it *feels* you're really not alone. There are lots of resources, including this site. The effort to find them will pay off, in the long run.

Blessings ..

Jinx, I have read your email several times to absorb all that is there and thank you so much for the priceless information. Lots of what you have suggested are certainly new Avenues to explore. Yes, the only asset my Mom has is this house. My one Brother who got married last Nov. for the first time...he was 50...lived with us. Although he is a "boy" and was not able to provide too much support at least the "manly" chores of the house...snow removal, trash, recycling, car stuff were done by him. But now he is not living local since they married and now are having their first baby. But in spite of his new family and his own expenses he pays 1/3 of the mortgage still, as I do. We have thought of reverse mortgaging the house but we all kind of have issues with the bank owning the house and us having to sort out a house that my Mother has lived in for 48 years in a month before the bank takes the house. We/I are/am begin that process already. Slowly so as not to freak out my Mom. But it has to be done. Amazing how much stuff a person can accumulate. Some of your ideas are stellar Jinx! Thanks and Hugs!!! I love your idea of having some fun now and Ireland is spectacular. I will create lasting memories and give the two of you some quality time. I speak from experience as I was caring for my Husband for 2 years before he passed away and those times were precious to me. Thank You again for your insights and thoughts.

I can relate to worrying that I'll be too old to enjoy life once my mom passes. But it is important to carve out some "play time" with friends regularly. I have been able to leave my mom alone for short periods. I go to the gym for an hour 2 or 3 times a week and on Sunday afternoons I give myself permission to go out. My time with friends is limited to a few hours, but better than nothing. I don't feel like I can ask a friend to sit with my mom and take that responsibility, but hiring some home care is something I think I will have to do eventually in order to have some freedom. Caregiving is a tremendous responsibility and you are a good person to take it on yourself, but know your limits and get the help you need. Contact a local family service agency for advice. When you can't be with your friends, visit on the phone. I also like to read and watch TV to relax and escape. Exercise helps relieve stress too. I think you need to be fair to yourself and realize you will need income for your future needs too. Get a job and hire someone to be with your mother while you're at the job. Medicare may cover at least a few hours a day since your mom's needs are medical. I hope some of this helps. Good luck to you - we're all in this together.
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I must really identify with you, because I keep thinking of more things to tell you!

I'm also an online solitaire addict, which I am a little ashamed of. I have started doing little bits of volunteer work, to have something for myself. I have started to cultivate certain interests to put more life into my life. Would you enjoy tutoring or assisting in an elementary school classroom, or running an errand for someone who will be appreciative?

Would you like to learn a language, or become a gourmet cook, or paint or draw, or garden? What about writing a romance novel or mystery? Or comedy or Scifi or porno? It doesn't have to be any good. You just have to enjoy doing it. You may not be able to climb Mount Everest, but you could start doing Yoga or swimming or taking a daily walk. I do genealogy online, read books about New England history, identify wildflowers, and prowl the local thrift shops for "finds". Those are all things I can enjoy a lot at home or locally.

You deserve to have a good life. You need to find ways to have some good life even now. It will be worth it. Good luck!

I'm older than you - 66 - and have had a pretty good life and have one child, bless her annoying little tush. I expect to live well into my 80's. My husband, 68, is starting in with Alzheimer's, and based on his family health, I would expect him to live another 10 to 20 years. You understand, I don't want him to die. At least not now, while he is still continent and funny and stimulating and sweet. But I don't want to spend 20 years tied to someone who needs 24/7 care as I get older and frailer myself. I want to get some fun out of my 60's and 70's and 80's.

I'm no saint. I don't want to feel trapped, and I don't want to start hating my husband, when I will have to oversee his care for the rest of his life. So I have to make my life un-trapped.

So I have decided that I need to have SOME fun now. He and I will take a real trip this year, maybe to Ireland. We take a lot of little trips in our region to do a little genealogy. If - WHEN - the time comes that he can't tolerate travel, I will somehow arrange at least one real break a year for myself. I will continue to have dinner with my "old lady" friends monthly. I have more money than some, but not an unlimited supply. I will "spend down" some of our resources to make life bearable now, at the risk of being impoverished a little early. Because I am alive now. I may not be alive in 10 years. If I die before or soon after my husband, I will go knowing that I gave myself permission to enjoy the day while I was alive.

Don't get me wrong! I still hold onto a nickel until the buffalo screams! But a bunch of flowers or a nice restaurant or a granny-sitter for a weekend seem like real good ways to avoid regret for life passing me by.

Pekilove -
Do you ever need help!

Would one of your friends be willing to granny-sit so you could go out to dinner with the others? You would be asking for three hours, maybe once a year, from several friends. Some of your friends probably would never be willing, but maybe two or three might agree. For such a short period, you could leave her all set up, so the friend would just chat, get a snack for her, or watch TV until you get back.

Is your mother's income too small to pay the mortgage? Does she have any assets other than the house? You are already impoverishing yourself by not being able to work. Can you ask your brothers for financial support? these days no one has enough money, but could they each give you $300 a month toward her care? How about $100? That amount might make no real difference in your situation, but, in your shoes, I would feel better to be getting recognition from them of my efforts and sacrifice.

Have you looked into support services your mother may be eligible for? Was your father a veteran? Have you talked to your area council on aging? It's a pain that to get help, you first have to do more work, but it might turn out to be a real lifesaver. You might get help to put her into an ALF for a week's vacation, or maybe someone to come in for 3 or 4 hours so you can go get a break with friends. God bless you, and lift your spirits.

I did forget to add that I too am no longer able to have children. I am 57. Does not seem to matter as my 2 Brothers do have kids...My best friend has affectionately dubbed me Cinderella Nightengale. I know it is his attempt at humor and in it's way is humorous but you are sure right about it being a very depressing thought

Good Morning Book, my Mother still lives in the same house we have lived in for the past 48 years so it is the mortgage I pay but I pay more than I make each month so my savings are almost gone. I have always worked in the medical field so the course I am taking is medical coding and billing. I should be done in 6 months or so.

Peki, may I ask why you're paying rent? Is your mom paying rent and you both are splitting the cost? Or is she still paying mortgage? If this is the case, I can see why you're helping with the rent. But...still, it bothers me that you pay rent because you are also doing caregiving duties for her. If that is the case, I would not split the rent in half. I would split it where mom pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3. The reasoning is, you are also paying "rent" by manual labor of caregiving.

It's good that you're doing online courses. I've thought of that all the time. Except at age 47, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow old. So, I wouldn't know what subject to take online.

Your comment about no one seems to care about your life or your future sure hit me. Father is only interested that I'm here to take care of him. My siblings don't care that I am no longer able to have children, therefore no grands. They all think that this is the life I chose since I was age 23 - to be a caregiver for mom and now for father. Depressing thought.

Thanks Captain! Laughter is the best medicine and I will check out cracked sounds like my kinda read! As far as meeting someone I will hope I am not too old to appreciate it.

and you can always go read " cracked " on line every day. each day brings 3-4 new articles and if a laugh in possible in your day these writers will usually bring it out of you. the language is horrific and of course i love that..

youll have your life back someday. just hope you meet someone whos missed out on a few years of intimacy themselves and are resolved to make up for lost time. ive been alone for 13 years and when i eventually meet someone i hope shes a nudist AND a nympho.

Ahhh. maybe I did not make it too clear. There are enough chronic issues to require a care giver. She is non ambulatory, cannot make meals for herself or get to the second floor to use the bathroom hence the commode that needs to be emptied twice a day. She is incontinent so there is plenty of laundry as she refuses to wear protection because they are uncomfortable. Then there are the 3 days a week to the wound care clinic and once a week to the lab and every 2-3 weeks we go to 3 other Dr.'s. Then there there are the blood transfusions that average every 2-3 weeks or so. Then there are all the odd tests for the blood loss that cannot be found and the monitroing of the nodes on her lungs. Then there are her Heart issues. Then her diabetes which no matter how careful I am her blood sugars are so out of whack....I could keep going but you get the idea. I appreciate the input but it not feasible. She definately requires a care giver. I do not mean to make light of her issues because one or a number of them will eventually end her life. Recently her PCP offered an estimation of 2 years. Should that be the case it will be be at this for 6 years. And yes, without a caregiver that end would be much sooner.

You don't have to do what you are doing. It sounds like you are way too young to be wasting your life sitting in your room - you need to get out and live your life. You should not be paying your mother rent to be her caregiver. I assume you have some form of income that allows you to pay her rent - so go pay rent somewhere else, and get a job. You stated that none of your mother's problems were critical - good. That means she won't die without your help. There are other resources out there for her - either you or she can look for them. You need to get about living your own life.