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It's not that the pregnancy was planned or not Two of mine were planned, two not. My kids don't have a clue whether they were planned or not. I never used it to hurt them. Some mothers, who obviously have mental health issues, use whatever they can to hurt their child(ren). This can be a powerful tool in their box of many.

In none of these cases - shell, cm or I - was dementia the issue. For me I was made aware that I was lacking in many ways, and displeasing to my mother from a very early age. I know I am not a mistake. God does not make mistakes. And I knew it was her problem not mine from an early age. Nonetheless, as I am human, frequent negative feedback took it's toll and I still work on some things. Such is life. None of us is perfect. We all have our challenges.
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That's a good point Techie, even in modern times when birth control is ubiquitous there are many, many unplanned pregnancies that undoubtedly put a crimp in people's lives. Carrying on and raising those children anyway may have altered people's lives in ways they haven't planned for and some are able do it with more grace than others - regretting the loss of those former hopes and dreams doesn't necessarily have to equate to a rejection of those children.
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Mistake to who? After the birth of her first child my SIL went to the doctor to get birth control pills but left with pre-natal scripts after her pregnancy test was positive. Everyone in the extended family on both sides was thrilled, even my SIL after a few weeks. After the second child's birth, SIL had her tubes tied. During a tubal pregnancy 5 years later, my nephew first heard his mother didn't want to be pregnant and hadn't wanted to be pregnant with him. A couple of years later when there was trouble in the marriage, my nephew got to hear his father telling his mother she should just give him custody since she didn't want to have kids anyway.

My SIL was a good mother, despite ambiguous feelings about actually being pregnant so soon after her first child's birth or unexpectedly in her late 20s. Because the number of children was an issue in his parents' marriage, my nephew was exposed to "too much information" at times when his parents said too much during arguments. What never changed is both his parents and extended family loved him and wanted him. Please don't let mere words age and aggravation or dementia have allowed to surface change your basic view of yourself.
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Nobody is a mistake. If you were born and are living you were meant to be irregardless of what your parent's role in your existence was or is.

I know you are all intelligent women and instinctively know that.

You are loved and wanted by others whether it be your parents or not.

((((HUGS)))) to you all!
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I was born nine months after a Christmas party. My parents, when I figured this out and narrowed my eyes at them, blathered some consoling tosh about how they had wanted to even up the boy:girl ratio; but my siblings never left me in any doubt that I was a terrible, drunken mistake.
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Golden: I am so sorry to hear that.
BIG HUGS.
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shell - I was a "mistake" too. Mother was very happy with my sister - the golden child, then I came along and was all wrong in her eyes. She cared well for me physically, but I don'r remember any warm touches, hugs or words. Thankfully my father gave those. I am sorry for what you went through and are going through. I like cwillie's explanation.
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Oh Shell, maybe instead of believing she is only using you you might consider that she has seen the error of her ways and now realizes your true value. 🤗🤗
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Oh Send if only it was out of confusion or angrier. She said it as a matter of fact!

Through therapy I come to realize that she couldn't be bother by me. She was a loving and caring mom when we were around my dad, family friends or Drs and nurses, but when it was her and me or her, my brother she was mean to me or just ignore me. It was always about my brother when it came to her.

The other night, I told her that she just never bother with me and that I never felt loved or wanted! She said, "she didn't realize I felt that way and she didn't know why." As we were talking she just looked at me and said, "she wanted a family and after she had my brother she was told she couldn't have kids anymore and she was find with that. But 6 yrs later she got pregnant with a baby she didn't want and she really didn't want me! That the minute I was born, I was the apple of my dad's eye. She went on to tell me I ruin her family, her marriage, her life!" She knew what she was saying to me. This was a time when she was "all there." I can tell when she is out of it and she wasn't! She was all there.

Awhile ago, there was a thread that talked about if dementia changes a person's personality and I thought maybe dementia was responsible for making people mean, hateful, and selfish, but lealonnie stated "dementia shows us who the person really is because it removes the person's social mask and lealonnie was/is right!

My mother did state that "she was now happy she had me because I take good care of her and the house. In other words, she is using me, which I already figured she was.

When I asked her why she didn't want to give me the things my dad wanted me to have she said, "because I don't think you should have them, but now you can!" These things are my dad's knives and his restaurant pans that he bought and the travel trailer and the house. He paid for everything not her! He bought this house before they were married. It was his house and we all knew it.

I wish she was further long the dementia highway so I could put her in a MC! I had 3 Drs tell me that she can no longer live alone or handle her finances, but that she doesn't belong in a MC right now because she can still make that kind of decisions. So I guess, I just wait!

I know God must of wanted me here; I just don't know why!!! I feel like a mistake and maybe I am!! But like I said, "now I understand why I felt the way I did. My life with her makes sense to me. She couldn't bother with me because she never wanted me.

Thank you Send for your words of kindness.

Hugs!!!
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Shell,
You are wanted here.
Your mother might not have planned you, she might not have wanted children, or more children, but that has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Did she take any kind of care of you?
Did she, or someone say this recently to you, but they might have cognitive decline? People can say some awful things and they are mostly sick. People also say things they don't really mean,

I wonder, as a child, did you ever have a tantrum, and yell "I hate you" to anyone? Maybe it's like that, something like that, and should be just discarded from your mind and heart?

And we know, that God wants you.
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Shell: Oh, I am so sorry. That's hard to have heard. Big hugs ((( ))).
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Thank you Golden. Hugs back!
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((((((hugs)))))shell. That must hurt a lot. Yes, God will use it for good.
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Just found out yesterday that my mother never wanted me...now it all makes sense and the pain is very deep with many layers. I have no idea what to do with this information! I just have to keep telling myself "what she means to harm me God will use for my good!" Heavy sigh!
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Gershun: You're welcome.
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On my mind...

I hate Mother's Day and Father's Day for two very different reasons!

Mother's Day just reminds me of what I didn't have and it makes me feel bad for not giving or doing anything special for my mother, because (I guess) no matter what your mom does to you is okay and as children we are suppose to give mom a gift...for what? For making my life h3ll...for being selfish and hateful!

Father's Day because my dad isn't here for me to wish him a Happy Daddy's Day. So it is just a reminder on how much I miss him! 💔
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Thx everybody for your kind good wishes!
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Gershun: Sending you big hugs ((( ))).
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Thank you shell,but someone else originally wrote them,not me.
It was in the newspaper one day and touched me so much,I cut it out and taped it on my bathroom mirror.
It brings me comfort.
Tomorrow marks my 5th Mother's Day without Mother here beside me and it's awful but I wish all the wonderful Mother's on here a Happy Mother's Day and hope you have a good one.
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luckylu,

What beautiful words! 🎶
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Gershun,my friend~I'm so sorry for your pain~

Those we love don't go away
They walk beside us everyday
Unseen,unheard
but always near
Still loved
Still missed
And very dear

Many {{{hugs}}}
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I am so so sorry Gershun.

Sending you lots of hugs my dear friend! 💗💕
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So sorry for your loss, Gershun. 🌹
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(((((((hugs)))))) gershun
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Thinking of my Mom who died on this date May 9, 2015.

Mom, I love you so much and miss you dearly.

Gershun
xxoo
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Send: Thank you for those #s. Sorry you had the Hong Kong flu in '68. I had read about the classification of #s & letters, e.g. H1N1 but now forgot what they signify.
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Worldwide Influenza Pandemics
PANDEMIC INFLUENZA OUTBREAK-FINISH TIME-DEATH TOLL
SUBTYPE INVOLVED:

1)Russian Flu1889–1890
1 million
H2N2
2) Spanish Flu1918–1920
50 million
H1N1
3) Asian Flu1957–1958
1.5 to 2 million
H2N2
4) Hong Kong Flu1968–1969
1 million
H3N2
5) Swine Flu2009–2010
over 18,209
novel H1N1

Source: sinobiological.com

We can learn from history.

In 1968, I had the Hong Kong flu. It is said that it was brought to California by returning servicemen from Vietnam. My husband at the time had no illness. All the facts were not in, no one had said it was the Hong Kong flu back then.
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Arwen posted that in Italy they reported that 90° temperatures kill the virus.

I am hoping that is true, because we will be seeing a huge decrease in numbers since we have been over 100° with more of the same on the way.
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Not out in the open under the sun, the risk is extremely low as the sun kills viruses in minutes.

Send, I have no desire to pick fights with anyone here as we are all caregivers, but I will speak up when I read something that is SO WRONG.
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Ways to preserve our sanity:
1) Less news on T.V.
2) Less judging others.
3) Acceptance of ourselves and our emotions, or lack of emotions.
4) Get busy in the kitchen, distract ourselves.
5) Take a walk outside.
6) Write it all out, like a journal, but honestly.
7) Take a shower.
8) Focus on something other than ourselves.
9) Build, repair, or accomplish something.
10) Keep wild imaginings to a minimum.
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