Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
Love that quote by Julian of Norwich.
I am so sorry about your brother.
Please do not feel guilty. How would you understand as a child brother’s mental state.?
Of course you were afraid of him and stayed away.
I know many who lived in East Vancouver, one co-worker was found there as well. Not many survive that scenario.
Your brother was lucky to escape it and get some decent place.
Your brother was sick and he was also a person you needed to protect your mother from. Two things can be true. It is hard to separate the disease from the person and to know what separates helping someone from enabling them.
It's still a hard loss no matter what and I hope you have a good support system and are being kind to yourself.
Burntcaregiver, all that you say is very true. I probably have less to feel guilty about than I think. It's hard though sometimes to separate the disease from the person isn't it? When I was young I forgot sometimes that my brother was sick and just thought of him as someone I needed to protect my mother from.
It's a blessing that he is now free of his illness.
My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your brother, but you have zero reason to feel guilty about anything because you did nothing wrong.
At the end of your brother's life you saw a man ravaged and destroyed by cancer. You felt pity and sadness for him as you should. As any person with compassion and humanity would.
Your brother was also a violent, schitzophenic drug addict who was abusive to your mother who you loved and tried to protect. Anyone would avoid such a person and shun them out of fear for their own safety.
No doubt your brother put you and your family through years of strife and pain. You loved him as a brother and pitied him. You also feared and dreaded him. All of these things can be true at the same time and will cause some very complicated feelings when a person like this passes. You need time and peace to do this. Please don't add guilt to those feelings when you've done nothing to feel guilty about.
My sibling was an addict. My first husband was an alcoholic. Both of them lost their lives to addiction. So, I totally get where you're coming from. When the people who love an addict or alcoholic stop enabling that person, and a tragedy or death happens they will often blame and punish themselves for it when none of it is their fault.
You did not make your brother a violent, drug-addicted schitzophrenic. You did not choose how he lived his life, and you did not give him cancer.
I believe my brother accepted Christ when he was younger, before he got sick. That is a comfort.
I like to think the same about your brother.
Definitely, it could be your mother's hands on your brother's head - a vision given to you to give you peace.
At times like this I like to recall the saying by Julian of Norwich, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"
I like to think that now my brother is free, in his right mind and reuniting with my mom.
I had a weird moment this morning. I was trying to sleep and suddenly had this image in my mind of old hands placed on someone's head. They looked like my mom's hands. Or at least how I remember her hands. Could it be her hands on my brother's head? I hope so.
Please don't punish yourself with guilt. As a child and young person you did what you could to protect yourself. As an adult, he was an addicted and mentally ill person and you still needed to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong in that.
The "should haves" are common after a loss. We all are human and feel we could have done better in our relationships, but at the time we did the best we could. We have regrets about the past. That's normal grief as is guilt.
My sincerest condolences on your loss. Your other brother found him a decent place to be cared for after his accident, That was a blessing. Your brother is now at rest. I pray that you find comfort and peace too. Thank you for letting us know.
I haven't posted on here in a while. Wasn't sure which thread to post this one on.
My brother died today. He was 71.
We were estranged. Due to his mental health issues. He had schizophrenia since he was a teen. I must admit I have so many mixed emotions about this. You see, most of my life I was terrified of him. He could be quite volatile and violent at times. He directed a lot of his anger towards my mom. Since I was always so protective of her, he kind of became someone I felt I needed to avoid and shun at all costs.
He spent most of his adult life living on the streets and doing hard drugs. As I'm sure a lot of you know the mental health issues and drug problems often go hand in hand. He smoked crack and lived in a halfway house on the downtown eastside here in Vancouver until a few years ago when he suffered a bad injury and my other brother found him a more decent place to live. Kind of a long term care facility for people like my brother.
I saw him for the last time yesterday afternoon. He definitely wasn't the monster I thought of him as in my youth. The cancer took it's toll. He was skin and bones.
The pain meds had him pretty much unconscious so I wasn't able to communicate with him at all. I did stroke his head and told him I love you. But..........it didn't seem like enough and I doubt he heard me.
I guess the reason I'm posting this is cause I feel wracked with guilt about how I treated him when we were young. I know what he put us through as a family wasn't him. It was schizophrenia. I should have been kinder to him. But I was so afraid of him. Now, he's gone. I'll never have that chance again to say I'm sorry.
I feel sort of empty right now.
Anyway, thx for listening.
I totally get what you mean about teaching kids (and adults) some basic manners.
I think my generation (Gen X) is the last one who learned basic manners. Like when there's food, you take only one of something and never take seconds unless you're been invited to. If you've been offered something and you don't like it, never be rude about it. Graciously accept a gift no matter how small it is. Treat a person's home like it's a palace and appreciate any hospitality anyone offers. Never show up to someone's home on a social call empty handed. Write and mail a thank-you note when appropriate.
People don't have these most basic manners anymore and they sure don't teach them to their kids.
I hope you get the food allergy figured out . That can be challenging .
cwillie,
I understand wanting Tim Bits as a reward . I like the sign idea from Golden.
I was using house wash ( attached to my hose ) to our covered porch today and shorted out the doorbell button 🙄. Hubs said “ Just another one of your cleaning accidents “. I’ve had many btw. 🤦♀️.
cw - such a worthwhile cause. Sounds like they need a supervisor or at the very least a big sign saying "Only 3 (or whatever) Tim Bits each - leave some for others!"
I've been lying low working on sorting out my allergy issues . I had a major reaction to something I have been able to eat before. This is not the same as my usual allergy reactions. After much reading, I've come to the conclusion that it's MCAS - mast cell activation syndrome which apparently is very common with CFS/FM. I was wiped for days. Llama - the headache after eating deli meats is part of this.
So once again I am going through an elimination process to identify the foods causing me the problems. The good news is, as with FODMAPS issues, once you have done that and can avoid the offending foods, you are fine. Other things than foods can set it off, but my triggers seem to be what I eat. I'll check with my dr when I next see her
I googled low carb, low FODMAPS, low histamine foods and A.I. came up with a list very similar to what I do eat, with a few exceptions. Everyone has their own triggers so I may be able to eat some on the No No list.
Thankful it is something that is fixable.
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I am sick of the buy these frames - but then! Add progressive lenses + anti-scratch + anti- fog = $$$$$
So I am making do with off the rack readers for now but it IS a pain putting on & off all day :(
I have thought of that as well . Nice readers will still be cheaper than my progressives .
I’ve thought about asking the doctor about giving up my progressives as I’m not on a computer at work on and off all day anymore .
I was also told I will need cataract surgery in 7 or more years.
Re: Glasses. I used those cheap readers they were always scratched, broken, foggy, lenses falling off.
Finally I got myself two pairs of nice looking ( kind of Iris Apfel style) super cool, one reg and sunglasses for reading in the sun,
$ 200 for both. Better for my eyes and cheaper than replacing them constantly,
That’s where I am at too. I go every year to the eye doctor . Everything looks good too , no glaucoma , or macular issues .
I know that IF those issues or others come around the cataracts will need to come off sooner. But he says I look good !! His estimate is just that an estimate . If things change , they grow faster , it could make it wise to remove cataracts sooner .
I’m not in a rush . My vision is good . Cataracts are not thick .
Maybe you won’t ever need them done . Some grow really slow .