OMG!!! The Wallet Mishap


It doesn't end... I just had to rush to Dad's ALF to retrieve his wallet from the trash.

Yes, I know he shouldn't have one, but up until he moved, Dad knew it was in his jacket pocket zipped up. Since moving, it's like he's at an entire new stage of dementia... the stage that I hope (sorry if this is mean) doesn't last long. It is beyond sad.

Anyway, I made the mistake (or maybe this was actually a blessing) of calling him to check in -- something I can't do during the workday anymore because it WRECKS my nerves, and Dad told me "I threw away that old wallet."

I got Dad a new wallet a while back and we put all of his "things" in it, but today I guess something got crossed up. Long story short, he threw away his wallet! I made a mad dash to the ALF to get it, and sure enough, all of the contents were all over his room (I found the ID's in the bathroom) and the wallet was in the trash with cash. I have no idea where the extra cash came from. He said someone gave it to him.

This was a HUGE blunder on my part. I should have taken the wallet some time ago, but I didn't want to deal with the same meltdown I endured today. I was called names. He screamed, he cursed, he cried, but I couldn't back down.

He'll probably forget the whole ordeal, but it was SO painful (and I had to take MORE PTO for Dad's stuff...).

So I am going to make copies of his ID and cards and laminate them and stick them in the wallet to make Dad think I didn't completely take it from him. As for the cash, I don't know what to do.

Dad really doesn't need cash, but he wants to have it. I was thinking of giving him ten singles or maybe some fake money.

It's like he's become a different person overnight. It's hard enough with the COPD and lack of sight, but I'm not sure I can endure seeing him turn into this shell of a man.



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Way to go, Tiny!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny you mentioned that surprise! I went to a meeting last night! Thank You!!!!

Tiny, I don't mean to diminish what you've lived. It was brutal and I know that's just the first example you could think of. I get what you are saying. Listen, I have an idea.

By pouring yourself out for this man by worrying, fussing, and fretting all the time, you are STILL allowing him to control your emotions. I won't take that.

He can live without his wallet. Remember, he himself threw it away. It's ok if you take it over there next week, whenever it is you have your next visit planned (not tomorrow I hope). He can live without it that long - he did make that choice already.

Wish you were next door. We could go to Al-Anon together.

Hugs Tiny💜


There's one thing you are not.

Stupid. You use that word again about yourself....Im gonna have to find you and thrash you!

You are incredibly smart and perceptive and loyal to a fault.

Can you give yourself 2 weeks off? Two weeks of no contact? Just say "I'm under doctors orders to rest and get well"?

Your dad is dying, Tiny. Nothing can fix that or change the time line. It will happen with or without you. And he's not dying imminently, he's dying eventually.

If you don't want to end up permantly disabled or prematurely dead, you need to "just " work, rest and recharge.

For right now, til you get some help, relief, time to yourself, try NOT to react to less than perfection like your Dad.

There will not be perfection within an ALF or Nursing Home.

Your Dad was not perfect. Yet, you are trying to create perfect for him.

Give yourself a break. Try to take better care of YOURSELF.

Don’t expose yourself to the anger and abuse your Dad exhibits. Stay away. Protect yourself. Let the professionals handle Dad.

Thanks guys. It's good to know that people really do understand what I've gone through and empathize and provide constructive advice.

I am going to work on not making everything a "fire drill" and just staying away more. It's like being in Dad's presence takes me to this awful place. It is my hope that once Dad gets settled that I will finally be able to get rid of the second job and just... breathe. Maybe then I can find the time and money to seek the therapy that I know has value (too bad it ain't free).

I've been in tears all day. Oh, how I wish I had a family to distract me from all this, but caregiving takes ALL of my energy. I haven't dated in two years, and the last guy was awful and abusive (hmmm, that's familiar). I only stayed with him because he helped with Dad. I don't even care how I look anymore. I just go through the motions. I'm only 40, but I feel 60.

It was incredibly stupid of me not to think of the "fake wallet" idea earlier. I just didn't want to get called names or cursed at. Looks like I chose the wrong battle, huh.

Well, I made the copies on card stock, in color and laminated them so they feel more like real ID's and cards. I ordered some double sided fake money that should arrive tomorrow which I will use for the larger bills and just keep the ten singles for Dad.

I am going to stop and breathe before making a decision as well.

I just want this all to be over. Catastrophic or not, NO ONE should have to endure this... especially alone when the man has 9 more living-able bodied children.

Maybe if he wouldn't have single handedly beat the SH** out of each of his seven ex wives (I was an expert at cleaning busted lips and bloody noses at 10 years old) and abandoned his other children (the daughter next to me ran away. I'm SO jealous), he wouldn't be where he is now.

My bio mom stuck a needle in her arm and poisoned herself (overdosed on heroin) probably because of HIM. I wouldn't know because she was gone by the time I was two and dead by the time I was six. Baby brother couldn't take our family and committed suicide. This is just a HUGE MESS, and for whatever reason, I'm the loyal, good daughter...

This whole thing is bringing up such resentment and anger. Sorry to unload all of this. I'm really not having a good week.

Anyway, the wallet situation is fixed. Now I'll just wait for the next catastrophe and make an excuse for why solutions don't work. That's me... all drama!!

Tiny, mthr was extrordinarily evil. What you described is what she would do in public to shame me. I won't go into my private he!!.

I had to separate myself from her for awhile and get counseling. This taught me how to react better to her, and where to draw the line. Eventually, she chose to behave in a way that she knew would  prevent contact with us, and I was good with that choice.

It made it easier for me to learn that I was priority #1, and she was not. When we rescued her, it was very hard. Like you, I wanted to give her the best I could to make it so pleasant for her, but I quickly remembered that fantasy would not earn me her love. I do what needs to be done, and nothing else. She is a pitiful old woman who ran off everyone who might have had a connection to her, including her only child (me). I'm just a generous onlooker, emotionally detatched because I know the past can't be undone. Genes are not the basis of love, kindness is.

Stay strong and stay true to you and your family, not your abusive dad. Acting as if you had a close loving relationship is just acting. Forgiveness takes many forms, and just taking care of basic needs is one form. That's more than either of our parents deserve, and that is living out forgiveness.

Hugs, Tiny.

Tiny is working two jobs so that she can keep her Dad in better accommodation than he might otherwise get.

Tiny, you know this is early days. You were anxious about the move, and you are - if I may say so - engaging in the creation of a few self-fulfilling prophesies.

Making sure your father does not have the originals of important documents is obviously sensible.

Ten one dollar bills, should they get lost, really won't matter very much. If they do go astray, maybe replace them with something like old Francs or Marks (I bet you can get them on eBay) or some other defunct or very distant currency that your Dad might have come across during his career.

Perfectionism can become paralysing and destructive. I know you know that. Try a new mantra: "that'll just have to do." You just need to get through the next couple of weeks to give things a chance to settle.

Tiny, one more thing.

You had an abusive childhood. You don't have a " complex". You have a diagnosable and treatable condition that is the result of abuse. You can get help if you choose.

Or, you can continue to try to gain the love of your abuser, causing yourself more physical and psychic damage than he's already done.

I'm not telling you not to care for your dad. Just understand that there are ways to arrange care that don't involve YOU dying first.

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