Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

Shane,

I know you’re right. I am working on getting funds through vets. Daddy did serve during WW11.

You know how that generation is, mom doesn’t like to easily let go of her money, save for a rainy day, due to being part of the depression era. What annoys me so is that she hands out money right and left to my brothers. I was always different. I never asked them for money. I did without or worked two jobs when needed. I also didn’t live above my means.

I did suggest spending her money to her for help. She responded by saying she wants my brothers to have a little help or boost after she dies. Infuriated me. They have never managed their money well. She continues to feel sorry for them.

I was the kid who visited often, weekly, brought my children to see grandparents often. My brothers only went when my served a big meal and so forth. They were always treated the best. I was looked at as the independent one. Just a weird relationship. Hard to explain fully.

NHWM why won’t mother use her SS $ to fund caregivers for herself?

You’ve said she prefers you to hired CG’ers. That’s not fair to you.

Why do folks think it’s ok not to expect the person needing care to pay? Mother “sits” on her monthly checks while you struggle keeping your sanity?

If she has money saved, make sure you contact a funeral home and pre-pay her funeral if this hasn’t been done already so that will NOT be an unknown.

Otherwise if your mother is sharp as a tack with no dementia as you say then she should understand she is a guest in your home and care enough that her daughter (you) are well physically & emotionally. She can’t take her money with her. Sounds like she already has enough clothes that she pays for and doesn’t need anymore material things, so redirect her $ (with her permission) to hire home aides. She is the Queen of your home and you are her lady in waiting. This needs to be reversed.

Gsc1964, a threat to kill is not to be taken lightly. That is grounds for calling 911 and having them taken to get a full psychological evaluation. As far as money goes, would he qualify for Medicaid or is he a Veteran who could draw benefits? He could go to a memory care place that takes Medicaid pending residents. His dementia, I'm sure the doctor has told you, is only going to get worse which reaches if it has not already reached where you can't take care of him 24/7. I'm glad you are getting some breaks, but I'd use some of that time looking into Medicaid for him to go to a memory care place as well as any Veteran's benefits.

You're not alone! Get some help from your doctor, and also get some in home respite care for your mom, so that you can keep your sanity. A little over a year ago, I moved from Arizona to NC with my husband and my 86 y/o dad. My life was turned upside down. He had previously been in an assisted living home for the last 10 years. I would go once a week and visit him and do laundry. Now he lives with me. For the first time in my life, a doctor has put me on antidepressants. His dementia, incontinence, refusing to use his walker, moonlighting, etc. are driving me crazy! On top of that, he tells me to shut up, calls me names, and has threatened to kill me. I have talked to his son and daughter from a former marriage, about sharing the burden. They have said no. My brother's response was "throw him in a home". It's not that easy now.! He needs Memory Care, and it's $5k or more per month. He does not have that kind of income, and neither do we! Sorry, for my rant, but my advice is get help asap! I now have Home Instead come twice a week for 4 hours, and it has changed my outlook on life! Yes, you must eat, or you will get sick!

Thanks, Mary.

I get to see my grand dog. He’s so cute but he is one of those dogs that doesn’t know he’s a dog! I just love him so much. I swear when he is snuggling in my lap I forget my troubles.

I connected with that pooch immediately, as soon as he entered my house after she adopted him. He’s a senior dog now. She got him when he was five years old.

Becky,

Good idea to have someone look over everything. I like that. I think I will do that too. Just to make sure.

Tiger,

I guess I have been overdoing the coffee. Bad habit, I suppose. When I get upset I just don’t feel like eating much. I nibble a little. I ate a few bites of hummus yesterday with carrots and a couple of triscut crackers. I love those.

My mom stresses me out with wanting everything just so. Maybe some of that is a bit contagious at times.

NY,

Yeah. I am really stressing. I do want to try to relax a bit.

Polar,

I know I have been stuck in a rut. I know I must confess to procrastinating. I am trying now though. Struggling a bit. Please keep me in your thoughts and send we good thoughts. Thanks.

Shame,

I realize that I have had difficulty focusing recently. I’m just overwhelmed. Also, please understand this. I think part of this is feeling guilty about wondering how long mom will live. Does that make sense? Then I hate myself for having those thoughts.

I think mom is even sensing I feel like that because she said to me, “Well, it won’t go on forever. It will be soon enough.” She was talking about when she dies.

I didn’t hear a cruel tone when she said it and it kind of jolted me into realizing how I am behaving. It upset me so much that I didn’t know how to respond.

I like your suggestions and God knows I can benefit from what you are telling me to do. Thanks. I will try. I have to.

Can’t your mother pay for aides to come in for a certain amount of hours weekly? She makes enough to contribute to that. Maybe paying for her own caregivers would help take the amount off her $1700 so her contribution won’t hurt your SS benefits?

I would ask your mother if she would consider hiring CG and truthfully let her know it’s too much on you. Ask your husband and kids to back you up.

14 years is enough. You deserve a life, as does your husband.

NHWM your thoughts are all over the place. I suggest you sit and make a list, set priorities, and proceed. Give yourself a time limit to complete your goal for the list .
Set REALISTIC goals - they don’t have to be lofty. For instance: today I will go online to retrieve ppwk like birth certificates and complete the process.
End of story. A goal you can complete in a timely manner.

Goal #2: everyday NHWM gets “me” time. 1 hour to yourself. Keep that goal. Work to make it happen.

Etcetera. I really don’t know how I would have reacted if I were on the phone on hold waiting to complete something for someone who was at that time squawking about needing wipes. I think I would have lost it.

I don’t think you even know how to look out for yourself after having her there 14 years. You’ve become secondary to everyone in YOUR home. Unacceptable. Enough is enough.

Its time, NHWM. Continue to gather resources but if all else fails have mother apply for Medicaid and find her a SNF. Louisiana or not.

Take baby steps, yes, but work up to speed to achieve the goal of 1. Paying for in home caregivers 2. Apply for Medicaid and then SNF.

I hope you enjoy your Saturday out and about with your daughter. The weather here in MD has been beautiful lately. It’s a lovely time of year.

NHWM - I am encouraged to read that you're applying for Aid and Attendance, something concrete to help you help your mom. I was concerned that all the venting you do just served to pacify you temporarily and prevented you from taking steps toward change.

Please keep your eyes on the prize: FREE yourself from a life time of servitude.

NHWM, Everything was mailed to me. I used the Dept of Vital Statistics in West Virginia. Had a Little trouble with her birth certificate. Everything had n official stamped seal. The county courthouse where she was born had flooded and a lot of records lost. But they found a doctor’s records and created her a birth certificate. It was pretty quick - under 10 days. I had dad’s official discharge. And I had an official copy of all his postings during his entire time in service., including WWII. When it was proved after about 2 months she got her first regular direct deposit and a check payable from the date she applied. Before I mailed everything in, I had a man at the local VFW look everything over to make sure I had it all in order.

"I know I can come through this okay if I see that I can make this happen..."
"I have to make this happen..."

I agree with Tiger - "Your urge to complete every task sounds compulsive" and I think you've lost sight of what's really possible.

NeedHWM, enjoy your time out tomorrow! Enjoy your daughter and your coffee, and don’t rush home afterward!

Dear NHWM, I'm quite worried about u. Your urge to complete every task sounds compulsive, & it is harming you. (When we were young that worked for us, we could be perfectionists & not blow up). Not true anymore friend. As you continue to take responsibility for all this, your mental state breaks down. You will become sick (& thereby get the rest your body is telling you to get now). Starving yourself while under stress is very stupid, (& you don't strike me as a stupid person), so what the hel# are you doing? Stop drinking coffee & acting like a maniac. (Tell ur family nothing, just go do what you want with ur hubby & enjoy!) I hope not to offend anyone when I say: you need some xanex asap. Love 🐯

Becky,

That is certainly encouraging to hear! Thanks. Mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina so I am starting from scratch. How long did it take for vital stats to come back to you? Do they email or send certified copies or what? Did you use a specific website?

It's been a lot of info to turn in. You had to give them your dad's discharge info, right? They are requiring that from us. I'm stressed too so I am sure that is making it a pain for me. I am getting out Saturday. My daughter is driving to pick me up. My husband will look after mom for us to go to my favorite coffee house and we can visit for awhile. I hope nothing comes up and we have a good time. I need a break.

Did everything for my Mom’s A&A on line. Dad had saved all of his Navy paperwork in a folder in order. Didn’t have to do anything with it.

I paid all of the Dept of Vital Statistics stuff on line used debit card to pay. I found the process easy and didn’t have any long waits. This was a few years ago.

Has anyone applied for death certificates or marriage certificates from vital statistics? Have you done it online or in person? Was it easy to do? What was the wait time? Just stressing about the paperwork for aid and attendance. Can anyone else do it for me like my husband or do I have to as the blood relative. My husband works near the building where archives are. I am always with mom.

Thank you, Barb.

Yep, that answers my question. She earns just under $1700, They did tell me that I can probably still get approved if mom pays a little less than her whole check but then they can't apply for the max of $1209. So, that is something to consider. I appreciate your helping. I really do. Not just lip service. Every bit of info helps and I am trying my best but being tired and stressed can cause things to be overlooked.

I can't help it I am nervous about getting this paperwork done correctly. And oh gosh, I have always done everything on the up and up. My dad taught me that. He always said to study hard, work hard, be honest, don't burn any bridges behind me. Typical dad stuff. Oh, and to do it right the first time! hahaha.

One time my boss came by my desk and asked me where did I get the stamina to work so hard. I told him that my dad drilled it into my head. He asked me to tell him how my dad motivated me. I told him he always told me to "Do it right the first time!" Oh my gosh! My coworkers got so upset with me because my boss put up signs all over the office to "Do it right the first time!' I was so embarrassed.

Thanks, Miss Everything

Very sweet post. Thanks for your warm wishes. I can see you need help too. I hope you get relief soon.

Polar,

I'm trying to get things situated. I've been emotionally stuck. I admit it. I am really trying now. I'm not in the best place emotionally. I'm trying to visualize the future in a positive way.

You know what I want? I want to take a little trip. Doesn't even have to be anything fancy. I know we can't afford that now. I just want a little weekend getaway with my husband.

It's only four hours to drive to Pensacola or just a little farther to Navarre, Ft. Walton or Destin area. I don't know if it's foolish for me to dream about being alone with my husband for a weekend in Florida or not but I would absolutely love it.

OMG first Hugs ❤️ hugs hugs! NHWM. My heart is breaking for you. It's like what kind of live is this. And it's not fair period. I see your doing everything for your mom and no one is helping.. but your brothers can criticize and feel comfortable not helping. Just like mine. Do they realize how hard it is taking care of someone who cannot do anything but complain and act like a baby? My mom cannot even snap her buttons but she ask for my younger brother every day. My older brother is more aware of her condition but never helps me or bring her a morsal of food. What's helping me a little is small things like walking our dog and getting my son to watch my mom a couple of hours going to church and usually lunch and having my mum in law or her sister watch her. I too am a prisoner in this house I'm weary and worn down no sleep and was so depressed. And mom's minds getting worst. She and I never got along really well. She always loved my brothers more. And still does. But here I am attached to her doing everything for her. I cannot afford a caretaker..I figure GOD put me here to straighten things out between she and I. It worked Im very close to her and love her to death. BUT it's hard. She still say sarcastic things and won't listen to me. You need help like me. I called SCAN they are supposed to be sending a home health aide six hours a week. X2 a week. It's not set up yet but I'm waiting. Just so I can get out a little more. It's hard to get my mom clean dressed and out the house. I wish my brother who is a firefighter could keep her a weekend. Then he would see my pain. But what u need is some me time. Someone has to watch your mum. I am in the same situation. I feel unhealthy cannot sleep depressed and wasting away. My weight goes up and down. My faith is my salvation saving me I do pray alot. I pray for tolerance peace and understanding so I can calm down. I listen to Dr Charles Stanley he has helped me personally to connect to GOD and be strong not to give up, So who ever and what ever brings your soul peace you connect to. I started gardening I'm decorating a powder room in the house.. for me to sit in and closed the doors and relax. I lite candles and pray for my mom's mind . I cannot even have a up to date conversation with her. All old stuff. So I am praying for you and your health and mind. Just last week I was so depressed everybody expects so much from me. I almost felt like my my mom would outlive me. Also I've have sciatica for 2 years now. I refused surgery. So in alot of pain too. I had to get myself and my mind together and not perish. Also I pray for strength and spiritual healing inside and out for us and all the caregivers on aging care. This site has helped me alot. We're far from alone. So don't dispair your a beautiful person. Try your best to get some help. You deserve it and joy in your life. Many blessings.

You're not screwing up anything! I just wanted to make sure I answered the correct question. So according to this:

The Social Security earnings limit is $1,470 per month or $17,640 per year in 2019 for someone age 65 or younger. If you earn more than this amount, you can expect to have $1 withheld from your Social Security benefit for every $2 earned above the limit.Jun 5, 2019
What Happens if You Work While Receiving Social Security | Social ...

https://money.usnews.com › money › retirement › social-security › articles

you can take in $1470 per month without being penalized by SS. Is mom's SS payment more than that each month?

It's not that you CAN'T make more than that, it's simple that they will reduce your SS benefit by a formula if you earn more than that.

Barb,

She was asking me to get her new box of wipes out for her to use. I forgot to place them near her bedside commode. So yeah, legit reason to call me this time. Not her crazy crap like a couple a days ago, lost hairbrush, fancy underwear request, nail file, geeeez.

Sorry, Barb.

I knew I would screw up in communicating because I am pretty wiped out. Didn't have a good night's sleep. What I meant to say is I am currently collecting my social security. I chose to do it at 62 because we have had to help my daughter a lot. Kind of wipes out finances, it's a long story. She's actually had many health issues. She can no longer work. The other one is still in school. Has been hard.

NHWM:

One more thing; when you says mom "needs my help", what is it she needs you for?

Is she calling out to you while you are trying to complete paper work the way a two year old interrupts when you're on the phone, or does she really require that much supervision?

Other than getting her meals, what does she require assistance with that can't wait?

I am using a service because it was actually cheaper than the local veterans organization. It is a service that one of the AL facilities recommends. They said it has been successful for others and they expedite the process where going the free route will take much longer. Even with the service I still have to do a lot of the leg work. I am trying to remain positive. Mentally, I cannot afford to remain in a negative state. I have to go on autopilot to get this done.

NHWM;

Did you take Social Security at age 62 or are you getting SSI? Those are two different things with different rules.

Here is a SS calculator for maximizing benefits:

https://obliviousinvestor.com/new-free-open-source-social-security-calculator/

NY,

I know. I really am trying to figure this all out. I'm so tired of this. It's just confusing. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells. I hate that feeling. Just too tense, can't relax. I just need to see an end in sight. I know I can come through this okay if I see that I can make this happen,.

I just can't lose hope. I can't fall into despair and freeze up. I have to make this happen. Couldn't reach mom's doctors, either. Holidays screw up things sometimes. They plan vacations. Things get delayed. I need to touch base with them too.