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I heard mom’s phone ringing. She was napping. It was my brother. I texted him saying that she was napping. No response from him.


A few minutes later I hear a knock at my door. It’s both of my brothers who were never close to mom for years unless it was for a meal or to get money from her.


Mom has been pissed because I have been standing up to her. The crap stirrer that she is, she has been telling me that she wants a ‘meeting’ with all of us. She has been ‘tattling’ on me. I told her no meeting without my husband. I told my brother that too. They only want to trample me. I am not up for this crap. Nerves are shot to hell!


I am not close to my brothers for good reasons. I tried over and over to have a good relationship and finally gave up.


We just don’t have very much in common and to put it bluntly they and mom are sexist, among other things.


What goes on in my house is my business, not theirs but mom has never been one to respect my privacy which is why I don’t confide in her. I don’t have a clue what goes on in their homes and furthermore I don’t care!


My brothers walk in my house today, no phone call to tell me they are coming. Pretend to be friendly with me. It’s fake, trust me. My nerves are frazzled from mom involving them in petty arguments that she starts.


I don’t trust my emotions so I walked outside and stayed there until they left. I called my friend to talk. She said to me not to be around them if I didn’t trust myself because I shouldn’t lose my temper because they would use that against me and not to give them the satisfaction.


That’s how they are, three against one. They left. Waved goodbye and pretended to be friendly again. I know they are plotting some crap and I just can’t tolerate this anymore. They have been sneaky before. They purposely came during the day when my husband wouldn’t be home and I would be vulnerable.


It was lunch time when they left. Believe me, I am so furious that I wasn’t about to cook a nice meal for her. She got a hot dog! I made her a nice breakfast earlier. Had no idea they had this cooked up!


I want to know what they discussed and I don’t want to know. I’m sick of this crap! They do nothing and criticize me! Never ask for my side. Hail Mom! She’s the queen and I am dirt!


I know I sound ridiculous. I’m sorry about that. I wanted to leave my house while they were here. My brother had me blocked in. I knew one brother would have to get back to work so I couldn’t have stayed out long.


I am afraid to talk to mom because it will turn into a huge fight. If I ignore her she will be furious too. But I am not going to speak to her. Not now. There is no way I want to speak to my brothers. They are both ‘know it all’ blow hards that believe her freakin BS!


Called my husband and he feels they are cowards because they never speak to him. He is annoyed at their shenanigans! I sort of want my husband to speak to them but not sure. Okay, enough of my rambling. If I could get her out of my house today I would!


My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad. I do not plan on having a relationship with my brothers when she dies. I hate the thought of making burial arrangements. It will be just going through the motions being with them. It isn’t a genuine relationship.


Who knows, maybe my mom is giving them total control over everything now because she’s upset with me. Not that I have any control now, only medical power of attorney. My brother is executor if her will. The will she made with my brother, of course! I’m only good enough to be her servant!


If no one wants to respond to my stupid broken record, I completely understand. Trust me, I am sick to death of living it!

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"Kind of makes you think it might have been nice to have been nice if we had been born an ‘only’ child, right?"

Sometimes I feel like one... My luck was to be OB's first birthday present... Still trying to trade me in for something else... :-D

For the most part, I am done with him. That last visit is when he showed his true colors (reverting back to his abusive self from childhood - I missed the warning signs from the previous trips to help cleaning out mom's condo. That last visit, I had to tell him to get the F out of my house. Funny thing about these types, after it's over, they get 'over' it, like it never happened. This time for me? No way. I will NOT allow him anywhere near me in the future.) I had to respond a few times (email/text) regarding the handling of the proceeds from the condo sale, but after that I was done. Funny he hasn't made contact, not even to ask how she is doing. Thankfully he does live 2 days away and isn't likely to visit mom since he 'doesn't know what to do with her'! Not likely to fly up or drive 2 days each way for that.

Hopefully he will be a no show when it's time for burial too. Didn't show for dad's and THAT was delayed due to weather/schedule of Marine burials - he was cremated, so it could wait. That gave OB plenty of time to make arrangements to be here for his mother. Like you and others have said, there's always a 'golden child'. HE is it. Oh, he calls me EVERY Sunday... BFD. 10 minute call once/week and sends flowers on B'day and Mother's day vs we two who have long drive to help her, and I also made calls multiple times a week, when she was still living on her own. Sucks, but it is what it is. I really don't care about all that, just do what I can to be sure she has what she needs, gets some visits, and is taken care of. It does irk me that those like him are SO lovey dovey but do nothing.

(BTW, after the incident, I did poke around asking questions and found out that he has been like this with others, including mom when she wouldn't cooperate. We can be thankful that neither brother followed through with taking her in!)
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It hasn't been clear and there is never a response to anything directed to Riley, so who knows? I have tried to keep it neutral, not knowing, but everything posted about this person (jobs, animals, caring for (at least being POA) for people) leads me to think female. Then again, perhaps the rude uncaring recommendations ARE more like a male might give? Who knows? Not like I haven't been wrong before!!!

Whatever gender Riley is, most of the posts made by him/her are just soooo wrong.

Oh wait... I'm right, I'm right, I'm always right... Thought I was wrong once, but I was right!!! :-D
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I thought Riley 2166 was an 86 year old man. I know he said he was 86 years old and I thought he referred himself as he. (Man).
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Disgusted too,

Please allow me to tell you that you said a mouthful. Really! I could not have said it better myself. My brother would pop in my house a few times a year for holiday meals that I cooked for my family because it made mom happy. The dinners were always miserable for me.

Any other time he or other brother came to see mom it was maybe for 15 minutes tops, usually to get money from her. I had to hear from her about all of their freakin BS sob stories.

Another thing that you said rings so very true is that I certainly did do my time. If I were standing next to you I would hug you! Seriously, it means so much to me to have everyone’s support. Thanks so much.

So I totally get your stories of your brother. Kind of makes you think it might have been nice to have been nice if we had been born an ‘only’ child, right?
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NHWM - maybe you can consider you've already "done your time" and the governor has commuted your sentence... you are now free to move about the cabin, and even step outside of it!
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Sorry lealonnie1, I suppose not everyone knows Riley (2166 is the rest of the screen name I think.) I believe that is a woman, but the comments from that one are really awful! I was loosely quoting one or more of her comments there... the 'he/him' I referred to was OP's brother... He's so smart he can now deal with it all... Hindsight and all that...
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Disgusted............is Riley a MAN? Okay, now the comments are starting to make sense. Finally. UGH
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NeedHelpWithMom, soon to be... FreeBird!

Poor thing my ass... No sympathy for people like that. Disgust maybe, but not sympathy. Personally I don't EVER want anyone to feel sympathy for me! Hopefully not disgust either...
This is one time we need Riley to pop in and say he made his bed, let him lie in his sh*t!!! AHAHAHHAHA
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lealonnie1 - Oh you evil nasty woman you!!! Oh, wait, is that me I see in the mirror? ;-D :-D :-D Gotta love those who think they know it all, especially when they get their comeuppance.

My OB one time told the EC attorney that mom and I fought like cats and dogs... I gave him a look and said no we didn't/don't, I don't like fighting and if she started something, I would just leave. I don't even know why he said that - he moved away after college and only visited here and there, so he wouldn't even be here to witness anything! We never lived together as adults, thankfully. I probably wouldn't be here now if I'd had to live with her!!! HE is the one who has the chip on his shoulder (never really used it on mom, except during some visits after dementia kicked in, trying to get her to do something she didn't want to do) and has no patience for anything! He is also abusive, physically, verbally and emotionally, so it would be a BAD idea for him to take mom. I was glad I wasn't eating yet after our first look at an AL place, as both brothers got sticker shock and said Gee for that price I'll take her in! Sure you will. The last time OB was here (over 1.5 years now!) he couldn't even make a second short visit alone with mom, because he 'didn't know what to do with her.' Annnnd, you were going to take her in, 24/7, two days drive away from us so you are on your owwwwnnnnn?????

Yeah, they deserve everything they get. Wait until (should be soon!) they decide she needs to move to a facility and they figure out she doesn't have enough income to pay for it!!!!! Oh, to be that fly on the wall....
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lealonnie,

I know. It’s sad. ‘Mr. Know It All’ can’t handle it. Poor thing, right?
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NHWM, I just spit coffee out all over my desk when I read your comment about your brother already getting annoyed about your mom keeping him up at night! Oh tsk-tsk-tsk! Ain't that too bad? I can hardly wait for him to see and FEEL what it's like to experience the 'situation' 24/7!!!!!!! Rubbing my hands together in a very evil way over here..........:)
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Polar,

I forgot to tell you that my husband changed the locks on all doors. He was horribly upset by all of this. He was more of a son to my mom than my brothers ever were.
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Polarbear

What great advice to NHWM!☺
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Polar,

Thanks so much for your kindness and support. Great viewpoint on all of this. I like the idea of having documentation. I can easily print out everything and a new name would help me to move forward. I don’t have to do that immediately though. I am planning on doing so at some point.

I have chosen to close the door to any communication with them.

They have all of mom’s belongings now. They did not take important things when she left with them. They took their time collecting them.

They will find out how difficult it is caring for a parent. Isn’t it odd how those who criticize the most do the least?

My brother’s sons are nothing like him. They are compassionate men with children of their own now. The older one is my godson. We love our nephews dearly. They are close to my daughters too.

My godson has reached out to my husband and me with love and support. He recently told my daughter that my brother is already complaining that my mom is keeping him up at night.

My nephew told his dad not to complain because I had done it for well over a decade in my home and years before that too for both my mom and dad.

I am truly hoping that he has reconsidered his actions. He has always been a bully. Younger brother is the same way. Both hurt their children endlessly. Neither have close relationships with their kids. He even told his son’s wife to stop emailing photos of their children and cluttering his email. That’s his grandchildren! He never sees his grandkids. I see them. My great nieces and nephews are adorable children.

Of course all parents make mistakes but I am taking about their core personalities. When situations become chronic it’s too hard to stomach. My brother is the type that if people aren’t like him then they are trash to him. Very sad.
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Barb- Thanks for sending me the link to this thread.
NHWM - I'm sorry you're so stressed about your brothers' threat to file charges against you. Take a deep breath.

Your brothers have NO proofs of any elder abuse except the lies from your mother. And they did not witness any abuse because there was none. You have written on this forum for many months, hundreds of posts. Everything you have written here is proof of your care. Your posts document your situation, what you did for mom, what she did to you, the stress you went through, what your absent brothers didn't do and did do when they finally showed up. All of that supports YOU, your side of the story and shows that you did everything to care for your mom and there was no abuse. What do your ingrate brothers have? Nothing except lies from mom. But you, you have a diary of everything you did.

About your screen name, don't change it just yet. The name in itself shows how stressful, and difficult it was to care for your mom. It supports your side of the caregiving journey. Don't change it yet.

If I were you, I would write your brothers a letter, and send it certified with return receipt requested to each of them, and send a copy of the same letter to yourself in the same manner, and keep it unopened,, for your records in case you need it to protect yourself.

In the letter, I would write to tell them about all the things your did for mom in the last 15 years, and how mom lied to them, and them not listening to you, and them not doing a damn thing for mom in all those years except believing her lies and criticizing you.

In addition, you should tell them that they and mom decided to move mom out of your house freely and willingly to your brother's house. You should also tell them that your mom's care is now THEIR responsibility, and no longer yours. You are no longer responsible for her care from the day she left to go live with them. And you will not be taking mom back to your place to care for her. She's theirs from now on, and for good.

Also, you should mention about the necessary things that mom needs which they failed to pick up. Give them a deadline to come and pick up those things. If they don't, it will show that they didn't want those things, and not that you didn't hand them over.

Please write the letter soon. It will come in handy if ever your brothers want to press charges.

Take a deep breath. This is a blessing in disguise. Your brothers will soon see the truth for themselves with regards to mom's care. Just don't leave your door unlocked in case they want to drop mom off and ditch.
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Martina,

Yes, I agree with all that you said. We don’t get to choose our family. I used to think distance was a horrible thing. You know, that families were meant to be close. Nice if that works out. But I am letting go of the ‘fairytale’ ending.

My husband keeps telling me that I did more than my share. He is right. I am so grateful to him for his compassion and support. I am grateful to my lovely daughters. I am grateful to my friends. I am grateful to all on this forum. You have lifted me up in one of my darkest hours and I sincerely thank everyone.
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Lealonnie,

Thanks, I like it! I do kind of feel like it’s a ‘new’ life. I guess I am a very sad ‘late’ bloomer, huh? Oh well, better late than never, right?
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Hi NeedhelpwithMom - I understand what you're saying  and empathise with you  there is so much going on around you. Please remember all you ve done and how much you ve helped and  take some guilt free time for yourself, an hour here or there to release and connect to yourself ,  Families are so, so difficult and there is no answer, no solution to the puzzle why people behave one way or another. We will exhaust ourselves trying to figure it out. In the end it comes back to  ourselves every time.   We forget we grow up and are separate people with separate lives and come together in the strange world of caregiving. Some people are not interested at all in this and it is black and white like a business deal and other give too endlessly and we have to do live in the twilight zone of family dynamics. Do the bit you are happy with and try to give to yourself, you deserve so much but family won't be who gives this to you. It's hard, I have a sister but felt so manipulated thoroughout the caregiving years by her, my brothers were more detached and I had to work so hard letting go of  my anger during and afterwards and am getting there but I understand . Be kind to yourself, it is all part of this difficult road and look outside of the family for the kindness and support you need and deserve. Sending you warm hugs
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Hi NeedhelpwithMom - I understand what you're saying  and empathise with you  there is so much going on around you. Please remember all you ve done and how much you ve helped and  take some guilt free time for yourself, an hour here or there to release and connect to yourself ,  Families are so, so difficult and there is no answer, no solution to the puzzle why people behave one way or another. We will exhaust ourselves trying to figure it out. In the end it comes back to  ourselves every time.   We forget we grow up and are separate people with separate lives and come together in the strange world of caregiving. Some people are not interested at all in this and it is black and white like a business deal and other give too endlessly and we have to do live in the twilight zone d ( or family). Do the bit you are happy with and try to give to yourself, you deserve so much but family won't be who gives this to you. It's hard, I have a sister but felt so manipulated thoroughout the caregiving years by her, my brothers were more detached and I had to work so hard letting go of  my anger during and afterwards and am getting there but I understand . Be kind to yourself, it is all part of this difficult road and look outside of the family for the kindness and support you need and deserve. Sending you warm hugs
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Emma........."She must really have a load of money to bequeath, for you to abase yourself so routinely. If she doesn’t, you’re doing all this for nothing. Unfathomable."
Your remark is what is unfathomable! What a terrible thing to say to a woman who's been through so much. Some people take care of parents, even when they're mean and miserable, with NO promise of a monetary inheritance. News flash.
Your entire comment is one of the ugliest I've ever had the displeasure to read on this site.

NHWM: Welcome back!! So glad to 'see' you!!! Suggestion for a new screen name: MY NEW LIFE!!!! Yessssssssss mam!!!
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NHWM,

Of course we can be sisters in spirit! I had one older brother, but my parents help raised 3 other boys all older than me, which one of them I was very close to and like you I wanted a sister!

Yes, we are lucky to have someone like Barb who not only understands, but can put into words for us that we can't furthermore, help us to understand ourselves. Everyone's voice is important on here!
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Thanks, NY. Means a lot to me.
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Need,

So glad you got up off the floor! I'm still here for you. Let us know what your new screen name is. Peace.
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Shell,

I can’t add to anything you just said because you covered it all so very well.

Nice input, thanks. I have faith in you. You will come out of this on the other end. We both will.

Yep, it’s nice to have someone like Barb on the forum. Isn’t it? Everyone’s voice is important. Some though, speak to us in a personal way. You and I certainly heard what Barb had to say because ‘we lived in that FOG.’

I never had a sister growing but I always wanted one. With brothers like mine I longed for another girl in the house. I feel like we could be sisters, so if you don’t mind we can be sisters in spirit.
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Here is just my point-of-veiw: As a kid who was programmed to take care of my mother and what I mean by this is to1) fight for her 2) to always be there for her emotionally 3) put my own needs to the side because her needs are first and what I needed wasn't important 4) my life wasn't as important as hers because she was my mom and it was my job to take care of her even if I was just nine years old 5) to clean up her messes 6) she gave me just enough emotions and (so call love) for me to believe that she really did love me, but then went behind my back and stole things from me making me believe that it was my brother and if she could not get what she wanted or needed from me then she guilt trip me and made me feel worst about myself and being a bad daughter. She was very good at that and playing the poor me card! Barb is right about the whole FOG program buttons!

As a kid I didn't know what she was doing and just figure it out a few years ago...I as others here was born with a job...take care of our mothers...not of ourselves! My life has been turn upside down for years wanting the one thing my mother could never give me--love and a mother support! However, us kids in this FOG never see it until we are much older and it is to late!
I have a lot of resentment for my mother from all that she stole from me not just material things, but my love, energy, time, perhaps even the best part of my life and I could have done more with my life had I just left her behind! Trust me, if I knew than what I know now, I would had made different choices!

But now I see it all to clearly as does NHWM and the reprogramming has begun!

Emma, Barb is right unprogramming those buttons are hard. We were kids and trusted our parents because that is how it should be; unfortunately, the parents just see another person to be used! Sigh!

I have little compassion for my mother and I am in a fight every day over not feeling guilty--I did nothing wrong (just loved the wrong person)--and I owe her nothing--I have paid the price to be her daughter--A price that prehaps was to big, but I didn't know it at the time! Now, I do what I can for her, but I put me and my sig others before her--I am learning and so is NHWM and others!

So Emma give us a break--we are learning and trying to change the way we see our mothers and the way we see ourselves!
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Emma, some "kids" are raised in homes where Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is used to install buttons that parents can use throughout life to shame their children into doing their bidding. Unprogramming those buttons is quite difficult.

We try to be compassionate on this site. This woman has had a long journey towards getting clear of her mom's abusive behavior. Give her a chance.
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Emma,

Mom has very little money. My father was very hard working but we were by no means wealthy, simply an average middle class family.

Mom is no longer living in my home. I did set boundaries after being burned out. Yes, some caregivers, myself included, make mistakes and put up with more than we bargained for because we have tried to please those we are caring for. It happens.

Things aren’t always black and white. Caregivers can feel lost and confused in certain situations. There can be extenuating circumstances and we come to this site to vent and find comfort.

I sincerely hope all who are caring for others either in their home or monitoring the situation while their loved one is in a facility is able to achieve a healthy balance of peace and harmony. Meaning, when situations arise as they always do even in the best of circumstances, no one has a problem free life, that issues can be resolved peacefully.
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You are her servant because you chose to be. Full stop. Too late now, but you should have seen this coming a long time ago, and taken steps to remove yourself from the equation, set some HIGH boundaries, and let the brothers deal with her. She is lucky she even got a hot dog from you. But every time you do anything for her, you have as good as given her permission to treat you like trash. “She will die and I will regret being mad”? What the—HUH? If I were you, my big fear would be that she WON’T die—just go on until she’s 100, being a worse bitch each day. And the mean ones always live for-effin’-ever. Is this the way you want to spend the beginning of your old age? Then, quit! Pick a fight, manipulate her into saying or doing something unforgiveable, and declare the whole thing OVER.

She must really have a load of money to bequeath, for you to abase yourself so routinely. If she doesn’t, you’re doing all this for nothing. Unfathomable.
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Thanks surprise,

I like NewDay. It has a very positive vibe to me, resonates happiness as well.
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NHWM, I understand about when we were young that surprises were fun. Then came the sandwich years! Surprise!

Glad you are taking care of yourself. NewStart or NewDay seem appropriate usernames.

(((((Hugs!!)))))
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