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I am 79, and my husband is 77. He has had vascular dementia for 4 years. I thought I would feel a great sense of relief after moving him to the nursing home assisted living, but all I feel is remorse.

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iI meant in the nursing home I've been here for five years and everything everything's going good we got dietary, linen service, activities,
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I'm right behind you, Sharmont. I've done the research, listened to his doctor's recommendations, picked a nice MC facility and next week we'll be meeting with them for an official assessment. This morning I woke up feeling incredibly sad and overwhelmed. I have prayed for God's guidance and feel strongly that this is the only way to go to keep him safe and protected. I'll pray for both you and me - that God will give us peace and a clear path to follow. ((Hugs!))
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Choosing to place your husband in a care facility was certainly the proper, but very difficult, decision. Making that choice for a LO, especially a spouse, leaves the flood gates open for all of our emotions to pour out. You were hoping for relief and you feel remorse. We never know what emotions will surface. We make the best decision we can for the best care for our spouse.

Emotions at this time can be conflicting. For me it was relief, along with sadness, worry, concern for my wife's well being, etc., etc., all spilling over at once. No one can tell us what our own experience will be. Although some in this forum have had to make the same decision, each of our experiences were different, and our coping with that decision was different. Your remorse is certainly a valid feeling. All you can do is accept it and continue your caregiver's journey.

We often hear to trust your heart. You, like myself, would rather have been able to care for your spouse at home until the very end, but sometimes our head must overrule our heart.
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When I placed my husband I felt about two days of relief before the other, awful emotions set in. It is so hard not to be able to see them all the time and know how they are doing. I have tried to stay busy and also connected with my other loved ones to cope - I hope you can find ways too to get through this terrible time.
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I think just about everyone feels remorse and even guilt, grief, anger, and sadness when they have to put someone they love in a nursing home. No one is ever happy about having to do it. Putting a spouse in a nursing home is different from putting a parent, sibling, or relative. It's different because we chose these people. We swore to care for them for life too. When circumstances come and we can't take care of them if feels like a failure or even a betrayal. We know it's not, but the feelings are the same.
How about if you talked to a therapist to help you work through your feelings? There are even support groups for spouses going through the same thing as you and they're a big help. Good luck to you and I wish you peace.
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Obviously I don’t know you, but I wonder if the remorse is more sadness. It’s natural to be sad for what has happened, for what you don’t control and can’t change, sad for being lonely, sad for the changes no one wanted. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It broke my heart to see my mother in a nursing home, but I also knew without doubt that her care wasn’t doable in a home setting. You’ve looked out for your husband’s best interests, clearly you wouldn’t have taken this step without careful consideration and love. He’s blessed to have you in his corner
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