I'm not my mom's caregiver. I have a number of chronic illnesses and mental health issues and can't afford the stress of taking care of anyone. So my 94-year-old dad is my mom's full-time caregiver. He does this out of love and he's done a great job for the last several years, since Mom (now 93) broke her arm and later had some stress fractures and pretty much just took to her bed. (I feel really guilty for not being able to help much because we live literally down the street.)
Neither parent has dementia of any kind.
My mom had a "small stroke" (not TIA) in mid-August and has been in rehab for about 2-1/2 weeks. We were told insurance would likely kick her out soon, and we're looking at next steps. She can't stand on her own or walk right now, and that means she can't get to her toilet chair without help. My dad can't lift her, so going home isn't as easy as we'd hoped. We're now having to look at other options, and my mom is adamant that she wants to go home, and that she CANNOT be separated from my dad, even for just nights. (He's been sleeping on a cot in her room at rehab.)
Yesterday my dad and husband got together to discuss options, and I went in to sit with Mom. She asked what they were talking about, and we got into a discussion about it -- and somehow, despite trying not to ruffle her feathers, I ended up the "bad guy" for suggesting that a) she would need 24-hour care from a professional (she knows this is $$$$$), b) no, her kind friends *don't* actually want to wipe her behind (her assertion that friends who have been sitting with her would continue to come over and actually even help with toileting), and c) even if she has to move to skilled nursing, Dad could come spend the day (like his dad did with his mom), and she would be all right at night.
Mom and I are very close, always have been, though I'm beginning to see enmeshment and working on that in therapy. I was super careful how I presented these things to her, very empathetic, assured her we wanted to keep her and Dad together if at all possible. She started accusing me of "not understanding" (I agreed with her that I couldn't know what it was like to be 93 and bed-bound, but I could empathize with her situation). I got the "just wait until you're 93!) line, etc. I won't go into all the details, but she has turned on me and I am now the Person To Hate.
I care so much about Mom and Dad and what they're going through. I have enormous empathy for her situation, and if I could see ANY way to keep them at home, that is EXACTLY what I (and my husband) would be pushing for. We're not "pushing" for anything right now, just laying out the realities and options and trying to give guidance (at my dad's request).
But Mom has a history of refusing to see reality, and of being emotionally manipulative and getting her nose out of joint easily. I was already trying to pull away from that, but now --
Y'all, I don't know how to handle this. I know this isn't my "real mom" -- it's the ugly side of a lovely, sweet woman in pain and fear. So on the one hand I can hold her hurtful comments and facial expressions aside and be logical about them.
OTOH, I'm her daughter, I love her, and I am deeply wounded by being the chosen Persona Non Grata. We literally moved her to be available for them before I got sick. (Suddenly my brother, who lives 3 hours away, can do no wrong.) How do you deal with these feelings? I feel like, for my own mental and physical health I can't be under this kind of stress, I can't keep even just going up to visit her. But my dad really needs what little help I can give him, he needs the emotional support.
I'll obvs be talking to my therapist, but I know many of you have been through similar and just hope to get some "been there" empathy.
If I tell my mom, "Hey, we need to make sure Dad gets some rest. You don't want something to happen to him," she cries and says, "No, we don't!" But still she goes on talking all night and crying and moaning about her pain (she has had back/neck/head pain for decades). Dad finally got the nurses to give her something to help her sleep and that's made some improvement. But yes, I think this stroke has altered her mentally in some ways for sure. She can't seem to understand that her all-night nonsense keeps Dad awake. She says, "Well, he can't hear me." He may be nearly deaf as a doornail, but he's alert to her needs, so of course he hears her all night. He's said he does. She still won't say "Oh, goodness, I'll try to stop."
Before this happened, there were so many times she would say, "I needed [something] in the night, but I didn't want to bother your dad, so I tried to get it and nearly fell." This is a complete 180 -- "I'm not bothering your dad by talking all night." Or, "I can't help it." (Which may be true, due to stroke or meds.)
Today my dad dropped by to give my husband a pile of his paperwork so hubby can help Dad understand about insurance and options (hubby is very willing to do this, this was at his request). When I mentioned that Mom had gotten mad at me the night before, and that I had decided to take a break from going to see her, so she wouldn't get upset (me framing it that way, it's really me not wanting to get upset), he said, "No, now, you come on. I don't want you and Mom to end up like this, mad at each other. Don't stay away, we don't want that."
My boundaries wobbled. But after he left, I realized that, despite what they want, I can't go up there right now.
Also, he told me she gets mad at him several times a day, and he "just brushes it off" because she's afraid and also it might be the stroke, and "she can't help it". I didn't know how to say, "Dad, it's still abusive, even if she can't help it. You can take a break, you can go home (5 minutes away) for a couple of hours without someone being there with her." They have their pattern, and I'm just going to have to break my part of it and let them be as they are.
Anyway, y'all don't need to hear every detail, but it's very helpful to get your insights. I did have a good session in therapy, and I have an extra one scheduled for tomorrow. My therapist is all about drawing boundaries, so she's been helpful.
I'm just not going to be the one to give Mom the "come to Jesus" talk about her situation. I tried that, I am the scapegoat (good word), and someone else can do that now. We'll be having a caregiver company case manager come up in the next couple of days to assess her and give them options, and that person can be the bad guy. I'm not willing to do it anymore.
As I told my son today -- being a human is messy and hard.
Let’s face it, your dad is old and likely needs a break. Your mother has to enter 24/7 care and yes it sucks for her and I’m sure she is mad about it but thems the breaks. Nothing you can do about that.
I wouldn’t discuss it with her anymore since she turns it around in you. Let the hospital staff explain it to her.
Honestly, your parents are lucky they lasted as long as they did on their own in their home.
You have done nothing wrong and I absolve you of any sins your mother is laying on you.
"Neither parent has dementia of any kind." I would rethink this about your Mom, especially after a stroke. Maybe she should be tested for a UTI?
"...Mom has a history of refusing to see reality, and of being emotionally manipulative and getting her nose out of joint easily."
So, you know how she is, yet you keep thinking if you just do enough for her, she'll treat you better. You see that all it takes is not getting her way and... kapow.
I'm not scolding you, just wanting you to take a good long look at your own words and how you may be deluding yourself about her and the situation.
You say you aren't her caregiver, yet it seems you are by proxy (through your Dad and all the support you and hubs are needing to give him). You visit your Mom every day, for your Dad's sake. Or what? Does she lay into your Dad when you're not there to be the punching bag?
If I were in your shoes I'd hire an in-home aid who will both help your Dad and entertain/distract your Mom. Then you keep a healthy distance because she will be angry for a while untill she sees that you're not coming back in to apease her.
Hopefully your therapist has been helping you identify and defend clear boundaries. If not, you need a different therapist.
My single, bossy, unrealistic 96-yr old Mom lives next door to me and I'm an only child. I've told her in no uncertain terms that as her PoA I will do my best to manage her medical and financial affairs but I'm not going to be wiping her or doing hands-on care. She didn't even do it for her own Mother, but wants me to be assumed into that role. Nope.
When my Mom starts getting paranoid, blaming, ungrateful, I pretend I'm getting an important phone call and I leave her house and don't return until I have to. Things with your Mom will only continue to devolve. What's the plan if something happens to your Dad? It eventually will. He is on a path to burnout unless he gets daily help.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find and defend your boudnaries.
I know from my experience this is a house of cards. It will fall apart soon. Your parents can't take care of themselves let alone their spouse. My parents were in their 90s and were fine for a long time, but at 94 it just fell apart. They had lots of health issues and everything started going wrong with the house. We were living in crisis mode for several years because they refused to consider any option other than living in their house.
I was the scapegoat because I traveled in for month long visits and was around a lot. I was the one who made my mother confront the direness of her reality and she did not appreciate it. She began to refer to me as "that one over there". Her last years were very ugly ones.
In hindsight I learned that this is going to play out in its own way, there is nothing you can do about any of this. Try not to worry so much. I know it is easier said than done. But find a way to channel that worry energy into some other task or project.
Something will eventually happen and when it does you will deal with it.
Let's start with "this isn't my real mom." You're seeing the side of her that you'd rather not see but you always realized was there. Thing is, this IS your real mom. You'd rather not think so, and you want to cling to the "good" side of mom….but no Pollyanna allowed. Mom is who she is in total - all of this is your real mom. You will need to adjust your thinking, understand that she's not Bad Mom and Good Mom, she's All Mom. This would be a good thing to discuss with your therapist.
Why did All Mom choose you to be the scapegoat? Because she needs one. The scapegoat can't be dad because she relies on him for her care, and if he bugs out of this (and he must want to by this time), she knows she's in trouble. It can't be brother because he's too far away and she can't berate him in person and make him say "poor mom, I'm going to make everything better and I will sleep in your room forever and I will make sure bad sister doesn't keep your friends from wiping your intimate parts and I'll tie dad to your bed if you want because you're right about everything and, yeah, everybody is out to get you." You are the vulnerable one with your history of being close to mom, your mental and physical issues, and you're less likely to say, "Mom, stop. You're hurting me."
It looks to be like she'd be best off in skilled nursing. Bringing professional care into her home seems like big trouble. Your dad would have to put up with her carrying on 24/7. You'd all be expected to hover and hoist. You'll still be the scapegoat. Brother will still be hours away. In skilled nursing, the professionals know how to handle people like your mom. Dad can come and go as he pleases, and so can you. You could stay away for days if you like, and that might be beneficial to all of you. She'll have her aides to blame, and they will smilingly brush off her complaints as they work hard to keep her comfortable.
Also, you don't want dad to have a stroke or heart attack when he just can't take anymore, which is probably like yesterday. Then you'd have two sick parents to deal with, ugh. Best to back away for a while and lick your wounds. You don't have to put up with her anger and manipulation if it's harming you. Repeat: You don't have to put up with her anger and manipulation if it's harming you.
Get her medical team onboard with recommendations that she go to skilled nursing. She can get mad at them, and they won't care. They put their all their foots down, insist that it's where she belongs, and they can give her an out - as soon as she's well enough, she can go home! She might believe it. And she won't be able to manipulate them like she does her family.
Wishing you luck…..