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It's frustrating, but there's only so much you can do here. PT is painful, and he has to choose to deal with the pain of PT to get better. Hopefully, he'll come to see that his future mobility will be affected by what he does now. But you can beat your head against the wall ( with a helmet ) and he's still going to do as he chooses.
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Thanks, due to my moving him 7 hours away from family and friends it makes it tough for people to visit. Some of my friends have visited him which I am forever grateful! His sisters have called and sent cards. He has a few cards I have to take over. He seems to like his bed and doesn't want to move much due to the pain. I and the PT people have told him to move or this will all be for naught! Scar tissue will develop and nothing will heal properly. I am now on the road to being the person to be very strict with him. He knows he can play the game with the nurses but not with me. Has anyone experienced this with their parents where they wont do what they are told to do? I do the basics for now for him but while I am there I make him get moving. Once I leave he goes back to just paying there.
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The first thing you might consider is how much you NEED to do vs how much you THINK you should do. Often, when we care for our parents, we seem to fall into the old "If I do everything you want of me, you'll love me" mode of our childhood. Unless they have dementia(meaning their mental capabilities are no longer 100% functioning adult), our parents are still adults and should do everything for themselves that they possibly can. Your father should be able to get his own meals, or come to the table to have meals with you. He should be able to do his own laundry or at least help with it. I don't care if your mom did that for him before. He's an adult. My mother plays the 'I can't do anything" card with my sister BECAUSE MY SISTER LETS HER DO IT. My mom does not pull the same garbage on me anymore, although she did at first because I didn't see what was happening. And my mom is just as happy to see me after I set the boundaries. Your dad can manage for a few days without you visiting. Or anyone visiting. He can call his own friends and if they want to visit, they can. You aren't required to put your entire life on hold (especially while he is being taken care of by someone else-go play!) While he is in rehab, if he calls you about ANYTHING, ask one of the nurses/caregivers there if he needs whatever that is. None of us gets everything we want, when we want it, exactly how we want it. It's life. You are not required to be at his beck and call, unless you desire to do so. Your mileage may vary.
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I think this is an opportunity to reset the boundaries you have established with your dad. You need to make it clear that things are going to be different going forward, that he needs to work hard in rehab because you will no longer be catering to his every whim and you expect him to contribute to his own care. Make it clear that if he refuses to change his behaviour then he can't come back, plain and simple. This time away has given you the opportunity to see just how much his presence in your home has affected your family.
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Dad seems to be doing a little better, looks like he will be there for 4 weeks. TBH, even tho I am running there every day and doing his laundry and taking him some food things have been pretty much normal around the house. My wife and I can relax a bit and even the dogs are chilling! It is amazing how much just one person can change a house hold. My wife wants me to see if he can go to my sisters for a month this summer. Hopefully we can arrange that. I love my dad I really do but the past year and a half has been tremendous and I am enjoying a bit of free time before things go back to "normal"? I would like to take my wife away for a couple days while he is in rehab. I know he will be just fine but I don't have any family here to visit him while I am gone. Should I ask a couple friends he knows to visit him while I am gone? The only outstanding issues is part of his PT/OT is doing things for himself. He is dressing and cleaning himself but when I get there he tends to revert and I have to be the tough guy and make him do it himself.I guess this is all part of it..... Anyway thanks for all the support, it is nice to vent and get smart advice when there is no around that understand!
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So we are into week 2, dad is still in rehab. His sugars have been up and down. For the first week he was like a baby not being able to do anything. He tends to try to do thing on his own but a mess ensues.... This AM he called, he used his urinal on his own "didn't realize" it was full and proceeded to dump it all over him and his bed. So he calls me to go get him new clothes. I have brought him 2 weeks worth of clothes! They are there. In the middle of a 2 foot snow storm where he can clearly see traffic moving slowly outside. He wants me to buy him new cloths and bring them. So after getting all my stuff together and plowing 2 driveways (Not my own yet mind you) I got new clothes and low and behoid he was wearing what we bought him before. But i did notice he is really good now at getting people to bring him his food to his bed vs going to the dining room where everyone else is. He got right back in bed after I got there at 11 AM vs being in his wheel chair to eat lunch and making demands on people to get him things. He is in my mind getting out of control and not making things better for himself. He said the "the PT was h*ll this AM", "Good I said, that is what it is supposed to be".

My concern is that he is melding into this everyone will do it for me and getting used to the wheel chair and bed.
I figured the sugars had something to do with it over the weekend. Should I be concerned to have a mental health pro talk with him to see why he is avoiding working this out?
I have motioned to family to call him and friends. I am just afraid that he will not take this seriously and I will be the one who will be doing all of this in the future. Is this normal after knee replacement? The 94 yo that had his done the same day is itching to get out and going. I see him sliding backwards....... I see him once a day, I call him once a day or he calls me. Not sure what to do here.
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tgengine, sounds like you were on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride... take a deep breath. Now make a list for things you are doing for Dad and cross off half of those items. Yes, sometimes we need to use tough love, I am trying to do that with my parents. Oh my gosh, your Dad's recovery will probably take him a year, it takes longer the older one is, and since he is overweight, it's going to be a long climb for him. He might think twice about the other knee.

If surgery was just on Monday, your Dad will have brain fog for awhile. For every hour under, it will take a month to clear. If surgery was 3 hours, 3 months for the fog to lift. If your Dad is concerned about how his mind is reacting, tell him that is normal after surgery.
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He's in rehab. They are taking care of him. Give yourself a breather, dear.
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Went over w dad today, spent about 2 1/2 hours. Took his clothes, he had all sorts of intake questions. Did some PT for about 20 feet. Its a lot of work for him. He will get through this, it will take longer than he thinks. After I vented my aunt sent me a very nice email, it was very timely and well received, I was having a tough day with all of this. It will get better. I told him I will be back in the AM, I need some reprieve tonight and get some work done.He will settle in. He has a nice room with a view of the mountain and snow so its not that bad a place! The food is good and the people are very nice! I am good with where he is at. I did notice whether it is the meds but he is having some issues remembering things, I am sure it is all confusing. I'd like him to do some things that take brain function. The activity person was in but he is not really interested. So I have to find things to occupy his mind. Lots to do, right now I need a break................
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The thing that crosses my mind is "reasonable". Is a particular request, expection, behavior reasonable. Bringing him a food that he likes when you're going to visit is reasonable, taking meals twice a day is not. People think when you're working from home or self employed that you have the latitude to drop everything during the day. Work is work, regardless of location. Someone once told me that when you're self employed, you can work parttime - any 12 hours a day you want.

I wouldn't be concerned about your sister trying to tell the nurses what to do - they know how to handle people like that.

And I agree with babalou's suggestion - it's easiest (by no means easy) to transition from rehab than home.
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So, when rehab starts talking to you both about discharge, you ask discharge planners about Independent/assisted living facilities. Your house/life/family are not well suited to having someone as self-centered and non-electric aware as dad is. If he goes to a facility, he will likely be the life of the party and maybe even find a lady friend to lay out his clothes. Stand firm on this. My opinion only, of course.
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tgengine, it sounds like you're going through a challenging time. We do so much, but end up feeling like we're so mean because we don't do more. But we know if they don't use it, they'll lose it. So the caregiver has to stay a bit tough, with everyone else looking on like "you're so mean."

Your dad sounds like a determined man. I hope you can get him to wait a while on the other knee.
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