Not really a question, more of a vent.
Mother (90) and father (91) both with dementia...had to move 200 Mile's away from their wonderful senior living situation due to extremely painful compression fractures of her back...
-Now our house has to be too hot for anyone else degree.
-I have to make three meals and snacks every day. Plus clean up every meal...plan and do all that entails
-Keep the coffee and drinks to keep them hydrated otherwise self neglect..
-Now the toilet is gross until I clean it.
-we get the joy of seeing her sitting on the pot with the door wide open day and night. Door is too heavy to pull closed.. picking nose, wiping it in everything, nosebleeds, blood on my sheets, chairs, all nice things now getting gross...
-Crying and sobbing daily about being a burden and yet need and wants me to be her nurse 24/7.
-No more alone time or quiet time for my husband and I as their need for company and companionship is what is important to them.
- pain med management all day long. Have to constantly oversee or they will be miserable..
-Wash all laundry because they are unable to do anything other than feed themselves And use the toilet...
-They are waited on for anything they want because of the level of pain they have w mobility.
-TV videos have to be playing loudly all day and evening due to hearing loss and boredom. We never had TV on ever... Gaaah.
-Have only been here in our home for a week but I'm severely regretting taking care of them.
I have compassion then anger and resentment... Compassion and anger. Husband with his own neurodegenerative disease pressuring me to send them back to get them out of our house...
There are NO .NO. GOOD ANSWERS. Since I'm an old nurse, parents think I'm the best place to be they are also very emotionally dependent on me.
Im already dying from this horrendous decision. Why did I do it.
How to get out of it. How long will this last. God have mercy on us all who have done this caregiving thing.
Thats all for now. Gaaah. Kill me now. My life is over.
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i think it's verrry kind of you, to have done it (living with your parents, to help them in their old age).
i really don't know many examples where it works out.
i suppose it's really a combination of things for it work ("it" meaning living with one's parents):
--there must be more people helping (caregivers, other family members) (how can it work, when it's loaded all on 1 person...)
--hopefully the elderly parents aren't abusive towards the adult child who's helping them
--money. some problems can be solved with money. hiring even more in-home caregivers, etc.
--the age of the adult child. at what point are they, in their own life?
--there must be time/energy for the adult child to live their life/goals/dreams
--luck
well, that's the ideal...
i personally don't know of any success stories. but i see from the website, that there are adult children where living with their parents worked out -- they were able to help AND live their life.
i wish us all courage.
----
in some ways, i feel like it's a war zone.
of course, war is different in mannny ways.
but the feeling, of helping our elderly parents...the trauma...
people helping the wounded in war...
of course, it's different. but please try to understand my general gist.
we go on this website and hear terrible stories.
i do feel like it's a war zone.
----
hugs, patti!!
i think it's verrry kind of you to have done it.
i wish you and your parents, good ways forward!!
bundle of joy :)
Your parents trusted you to be their nursing home. You tried it. Found that one person cannot actually BE a complete staff of cooks, cleaners, aides & nurses however skilled, loving or dutiful they be.
So. After the hot relief anger of this vent cools completely.. use this energy towards CHANGE.
Coz Sister, your shift is done.
Don't feel bad about saying you can't continue and mom and dad need to go somewhere more appropriate. My sister is a nurse -- doctorate degree -- and does not do any hands-on nursing. She works at home for the government. She leaves the personal care / bedside nursing to the younger folks.
You sound like a person whose situation cannot continue the way it is.
Tomorrow morning, get up and say the following to yourself:
-“I matter, too.”
-“Caregiving has to work for both parties. The current situation does not.”
-“I cannot POSSIBLY continue the way things are right now.”
Repeat them all, until you have put Plan B in place.
The above wisdom comes from this forum, and the many people who have been down the same road as you.
Report back and let us know your progress. 😀
Tell them you're concerned for THEIR health, and that as a nurse, you want to stave off any crises before they happen. Your professional opinion is that they need more care than one person can provide, so we'll be making a change in the next week or so.
Then do it.
I haven't really found that just b/c someone was a nurse means that they are necessarily better at LT caregiving. In fact, they are often exhausted from years in the profession and don't want to bring it home.
Find another facility that meets their needs. If they could afford one 200 miles away, then they can afford one near you. Maybe they can share a room--I imagine they did before.
Then YOU simply become their advocate and do what you can but not more. You'll burn out and then you'll be useless.
How long will this last? I have a mother and MIL who are both 92 and both likely to live to 100 and beyond. Neither is happy or enjoying life and require a lot of care. You could have your folks for 10 more years. I know that's a little daunting, and they aren't going to get better, they are on the slow slide into sensence---it's a one way slide, too.
Don't feel guilty. I can't be with my mom for more than 2 hours before I start getting a migraine, no matter how hard I try to be calm and not let her get to me.