My Uncle (Mom's brother), who lives on the other side of the country, started emailing me yesterday about how he wishes he could rent a Winnebago and take Mom out there. I told him I wish she could also, but I didn't know if would be feasible. Then he emails me a link to a nursing home out there, and also a company called Medcoach so I take that as a hint that he wants her out there. I told him I would look into it but that if he mentions it to Mom he better be truly prepared to follow through with it. Mom is like a child in that if you tell her you are going to do something you better do it or she will pout.

This is what he said: Obviously I have kicked up a bees nest. No have no plans no wants, it was just I was getting the impression you are feed up. (I think he meant fed up.)

I am happy say that we forget I emailed you. I just wanted her to be able see pictures from us. That is it. Why I emailed you.

So, being the person that I am, I emailed him back and asked him why he feels like I am fed up taking care of Mom. His response? Just instincts.......... your tone. So in the future just ignore me

Well, I called Medcoach and they called me back with the quote. $16.443.00!!! That is a 25 ft motorcoach and it is 2 drivers and a nurse. They would drive straight through.

I am going to ignore him from now on. Just had to vent to people who understand!

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When he first mentioned getting a Winnebago and driving her out there for a visit I thought, this might work BUT their home is not set up for someone who cannot walk. They would have to find a hotel, etc.

When he sent the links to the nursing home that is when I thought he was thinking of her moving out there. Mom says all the time she doesn't want to die in the town she is in, but when I ask where she wants to go, she says Oregon...we don't know anyone there. I know she doesn't know what she is saying, and I am trying my best to keep her happy, but I can only do so much...

Perhaps I'm the one who misunderstood! I thought he was referring to a visit, not a move. I would agree that a move would be too stressful on your mother.

And it also sounds as if he doesn't intend to participate in her care but would rely on his wife, so that's not a good situation - she would develop burn-out as well.

Sometimes people are well meaning but really don't understand what's involved. I get that too and sometimes it irks me as well. It's easy for others to suggest work that they expect someone else should do, as in "why don't you ...(a)..... (b).....(c)....?"

Garden, she is close to her brother and he was just here in April. He does call and send letters, pictures, emails, etc. She is showing signs of dementia and has Parkinson's and is wheelchair bound so I don't know if she could handle a trip across the country. Believe me, if I thought she could, I would try to take her myself. I was born in CA and haven't been back since 1983.

I guess my main issue with him is why bring this up, and give me the impression that he is willing to have her move out there (and if I thought it would make her last years happy I would be glad to help and get her out there), but he isn't on the "front lines" and I don't think truly understands what her day to day care entails. Even when he was here in April he didn't seem to grasp what it entails; his wife, who is a nurse, did all the "dirty work" and he just got to visit. Don't get me wrong, I am glad they came out, and hope they can again.

I see your point, and maybe I just read it wrong.

Well, I think there's a different approach that could be taken. The cost of a coach is clearly astronomical, but I am impressed that your uncle had the insight to recognize that you were experiencing some level of burnout and reach out to you.

I don't recall if your mother has dementia; if she does, that kind of long trip might be too taxing on her, especially if she has some medical problems as well. Explaining that might smooth over any hurt feelings your uncle may have had.

Could your uncle visit her instead? If not, can he keep in touch by phone or through Skype? Send pretty cards? Elders enjoy opening lovely cards, even if they can't read the sentiment. Sometimes just the artwork can be pleasing and help boost someone's mood.

I really think that was a very magnanimous gesture (even if he wasn't offering to pay for the transport) and would find a way to reach out and bring him into her life.

Think also of how this would benefit her - if she misses her brother, it would be a good bonding experience and might even give her an emotional boost otherwise lacking.

I wouldn't pass up that gesture or just forget about his offer. At least he was considerate enough to offer. Think how he can help in other ways, send him a conciliatory e-mail and suggest you work together on finding ways to (a) help relieve you of your stress, and (b) allow him to participate in your mother's care, or at least be in her life more


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